Must be "that" time again.

Well, maybe not the time you think it is, but perhaps it's the time for the monthly cycle sales...

Oh well.

Ellie has been getting pushed under a lot of stress, again, and she usually freaks out and starts to go totally berserk when this happens.

Don't think I'm over exaggerating, because while I am a little bit, but it's pretty true.

Yesterday, when she got home from work, she said she was absolutely tired and wanted to sleep/nap really badly.

Well, she couldn't.  The Misses are in two different sports right now, so they're on two different practice and game schedules.

So, she couldn't sleep because of that, then she started flipping out on me about something I did on Friday, which I shouldn't have done, but I didn't think anything about it when I did it.

I gave what I thought were a couple of "idle" threats to the physical therapist.  (I said I was going to punch him in the face if he didn't stop something because it was making my pain much much worse.)

What he did to warrant me saying this was that when he kept pushing my leg beyond where I could handle it, even after I said I couldn't do it and that the pain was already beyond what I could handle for the day!

So, on the way home, I got scolded by Ellie like I was 12.  That was not good enough, because she brought it up again yesterday.

Then on top of things again, she brought up, how she can't wait until I was off "the medicine", meaning pain killers.  Ellie said how she didn't want me to find a "new" way or "pain" so that I could keep using them.

You know what, that's a hell of an insult to me.

I'm the one who's cutting back on the pain med usage after the surgery right now, not her.  Not even the doctor is giving me suggestions of how much to cut back to.

When I cut back for about half a day, then I get nailed hard when my body's saturation level depletes and the pain completely hits me again.

Here, Ellie says, "Maybe you shouldn't have cut back so much?"

WTF!?

Ellie suggested that we go and see the marriage counselor again, which I am open to, because the marriage counselor is the same counselor I see in general.

When Ellie said I had to do it, I said that she could call the number on the back of the insurance card because it was the same phone number.

For whatever reason, this made her flip out some more.  "I don't want to do it!" she practically screamed at me.

Now, I wasn't telling her she had to do anything, I was just explaining how I do it.

I think Ellie just needs to see the counselor by herself.  Ellie doesn't handle stress well, and has bad anxiety problems...  Ellie will NEVER admit she has anxiety problems related to stress.  Nor will she ever take medication because of it, because "she's not crazy!"

I guess I'm one loony mother fucker then.

Now, I've been ragging on Ellie for most of this post, and it's only because I'm upset with her.

Mostly, I'm concerned about her more than anything else.

I Love Ellie!

Since I lost my job she's been riding on the edge.

Now going through the healing process of knee replacement has made this edge thinner.

Finally, working, and the kids going to school and sports, has made that edge a virtual piece of hair!

Yesterday, apparently, the thread she had been on snapped.

I love her, and I can't wait until I am recovered from the knee replacements and have another job.

The job can be any sort of hours right now, mostly because I want Ellie to struggle a little bit just for me to be employed.

It would be really good for her to struggle while I'm not at home to hear about it.

I'm sorry to say all of that Ellie.

I really, really love you!

I saw it coming... It still doesn't mean it's not FUBAR.

I don't know if I previously posted my thoughts about wanting to retire and actually hoping it happened, in some sort of secret, good way.

I didn't actually retire, but I was retired, if you will.

My employment with my company after almost a full 20 years has been ended.  I didn't do anything to warrant getting laid off, except I think I did... sort of.

I was laid off as part of a reduction in force, which is better than just getting fired.

It means that I was laid off with approx 6 months of pay and benefits, and they had to cash out all of the paid time off I accrued.

Now, I wasn't trying to get laid off on purpose, but I wasn't trying as hard as I might have been able to.  Although, I was trying damn hard to keep my job.

I dunno, it's hard to say.

With sleeping problems due to bipolar and arthritis that was #1 against me working really well.  Then #2 the heavy use of opiod pain killers.  I'm not addicted to them, wherein I'm not taking them for any sort of  a buzz or high.  I need them physically due to the pain.

I know when I no longer need them for pain, I'm going to have emotional problems weaning away from them, because of all the years that I've been taking them.

Then again I might not.

So here's the skinny of the work situation:

• I was not trying to get laid off on purpose.
• I was having problems working due to pain & bipolar sleep patterns.
• Emotionally, I was cracking because of the problems with sleep, etc.
• I needed to get away and take a break from things and taking vacation time wasn't going to be enough.
• Knee replacement was a HUGE deal with me.  (See sleep & emotional notes above.)
• If there was going to be a reduction in force, I was considering telling my manager to put me on the list...

See, I didn't want to be laid off, but I wasn't going to discourage it if it came to it.

When it comes to a business decision, it was what I was expecting.

I'd seen this same behavior before from this employer.

Their budget is too high and they need to reduce, this is how they do it:

1. They look at the top level/higher paid groups.
2. If they see that they have "too many" individuals that are on a team, they skim them off.
3. Managers are more expendable than grunts.
4. IT and other infrastructure staff are expendable.
5. By cutting higher level managers/staff, more grunt positions can be saved and customer facing work doesn't "change".

Well, I was a developer for a Tech Support tool, and they saw "too many" in the USA that were employed.

As a developer though, once you come up with a working concept and the infrastructure is in place, they can outsource your code and project to India and can your ass.

In truth, I was glad to get laid off, and I'm not worried about the future in any sort of sense.  I'm at peace with things and I expect to pick up the pieces and keep going.

Well...

I suppose that there is to say about the work situation.

My first knee surgery is coming up next week.

I'm excited to get it fixed...

but I'm also a bit anxious... I want it to be successful... Not the recovery, but the whole procedure, where they put me to sleep and then the cutting/shaping.

OK, it's not the cutting.  It's just the scenario that I might not wake up.

I don't want to leave my family yet.

I love them.

"I'm bored", Francis said, "Let's steal a car"

That line is from one of my new favorite quirky songs, Old Friends by Ylvis. (

https://youtu.be/D2NtlTFQznA)

 

If you haven't seen the video, take time to watch it.

You'll either laugh at it, or stand aghast.

I'm not going to do anything in that video...

I'm just bored.

I can work, but I want someone to talk to.

It's hard for Ellie to understand it sometimes.

Recently, Ellie wants me to perform like I did when I was in my 20s.

Well, things just don't work like anymore.

I am thinking more and more about just moving all my work hardware back to the fucking corporate site and driving there day or night whenever I need to work.

For the past 7 years, I've worked at home 99.9999% of the time.

It's gotten old, and I want my office & desk back.

I really don't like coming in here after I'm done working.

It kind of defeats the need for my office or desire to do anything with my other hobbies.

Since I was put on Zyprexa, I'm now very fucking tired for half of the day, until it wears off.

Working from home makes this hard to deal with.

Ellie will basically ride my ass until I'm out of bed.

She doesn't say anything, but instead, makes the bed while I'm still in it.

When she does this, she isn't really considerate about it.

She flips the blankets all over, turns on the fucking overhead light fairly bright everytime.

Whenever I worked at the corporate office, I usually showered and dressed in as low of light as I could.  That way she could sleep longer.

These days, it seems that she's just not being considerate or compassionate towards me or others.

Hell, I don't know if she's even nice in the classroom with the special need kids these days.


I love her, and I think that she's getting burned out from working.

One or more of the children in their classroom has been much more needy these days.

Ellie's not the teacher for the classroom, so I don't know if she's being assigned to work with the kid(s), or if she's volunteering.

Now Ellie will usually volunteer and try to fix and patch things up.

That's why she's started spending a lot of time at Sally's house.

Sally and her husband are hoarders.

There's so much shit in their house, that they were given new kitchen cabinets and they might not be installed.

I remember seeing the new cabinets in their kitchen years ago.  I couldn't help them do it at the time, and I'm not sure if anyone else I know with skills helped them.

Ellie and the Misses spend 4+ hours the Friday of Memorial Day weekend and brought down an old couch and shit loads of other trash & junk.

That was only from ONE room in their upstairs.

They also have several other rooms and attic spaces crammed full of junk!

We know when Ellie has finished helping them clean up everything, that the hoarding will go back to usual.

See, the reason why Ellie is helping them, is that Sally & Husband need to get a loan to get their electrical system update.

The house is so messed up, it should be condemned.

Plumbing in there is old and messed up, walls have mold, attics are full of old mattresses & rags, etc, that there are probably mice, opossums, etc living in them, and their electrical wiring is FUBAR.

But...

Sally's husband inherited the house that was all paid off.

All Sally & Husband need to do is maintain insurance and Taxes for the property.

They both have mental health issues.

Sally is one of those "bat shit fucking crazy" Bipolar people.  Ok, she's not completely crazy, but she's definitely not firing on all cylinders.

Her husband has... I don't know, nor do they really have a 100% idea of what's wrong.

I think it's crazy shaken (not stirred) cocktail of schizophrenia, ADHD, and depression.

For me though, I am bored because I just want someone to chat with.

Ellie was sick over the weekend, and whenever I felt the possible urge to be intimate with her, I refrained from trying to get worked up.

The rest of the time Ellie wants to do it, it's really late at night, I'm tired as hell from the Zyprexa side affect...

That and I'm not feeling very close to her, because we just don't spend time with each other.

Last week, she put on a movie in the front room to watch it, instead of hinting that spend time in the bedroom.

Even if we don't do the humpy-dumpy, it's nice to just spend time interacting with each other.  Like playing cribbage or backgammon or even just chatting about stuff we did or want to do.

I love Ellie and several months ago we were really going at it, I felt so much closer to her than I do now.

Just seems that I can't get her to slow down and spend time with me.

I've bitched, moaned and ranted enough time.

Keep your stick on the ice.

Don't worry.... Be Happy... BE WHAT?

One of my recent posts went into an argument that Ellie and I had.

Part of what I was thinking about while writing that post, I wanted to continue in another post.

It was regarding the use of pain meds...

But...

More importantly, it's being or becoming your ailments.

What I mean, is that I often become my pain.

Almost EVERYONE becomes their pain or ailments.

I know this, because as I was reading through my old journal entries, I noticed that a LOT of what I was feeling like.

Even over the past few years, I noticed that one of the first things I've talked about with people, or where things go is towards the pain I experience.

In the past, without the pain, I was always discussing thing I did, or things I saw, things I wanted to do...

Instead of

"Oh HOLY CRAP this HURTS!"

Or

"I just hurt all the time!"

Now that I look at it and think about it, it sucks, and I'd rather not chat with people who are like that.

It's boring and makes that person just seem unlikable.

I notice that Ellie does this about school/work/woman's club stuff.

Ellie's mom does this ALOT about the same things.

There was one night, they stopped by to take us out to dinner.

I hadn't had a chance to talk to Ellie that night, and I never, EVER got a word in until they left the house to go get into their car.

Then I was upset and talked to Ellie for a few minutes before we got there.

I really feel sorry for Ellie's dad.

He's a really, really good guy.

He's not quite like my father, but he's someone I greatly admire.

There are times, I wonder how much he actually says.

Don't get my wrong.

I love Ellie's mom.

Recently though, it seems that she's always giving me a cold shoulder, no matter what the situation is.

Then when she needs something she's over friendly, etc.

I'm really tempted, if this doesn't change, to just tell her no.

No matter how nice you can be, if I'm constantly getting the cold shoulder from people, I just don't want to help them anymore.

WTF help someone who's just ignoring you?

Anyhow, going back around to the start of this post.

You, me, myself and I, should think about who we are, more than what we're going through.

It's not fun to become your ailment, and definitely not fun for anyone to talk to you.

I know it's really hard to not be what's hurting or bothering you.

Like, I need to back off talking about being Bipolar and how bad the pain in my legs hurts.

Here's the last part of a sermon/talk from a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I call it the "Salad" part of his talk:

Elder James B. Martino taught, “In our trials, let us not become bitter or uncommitted, but let us follow the Savior’s example of becoming more earnest, more sincere, and more faithful. ... Let us not complain, … let us serve others, and let us forgive one another. As we do this, all things will work together for good to us that love God.”

It's a Salad, because of the number of times he says: "let us"

I only think about his words from a video I found several months ago, when I was struggling called "Reflections". (https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/reflections)

When I watch or hear it, it really gives me something to think about.

Being upset with a foul mouth like mine can really get you into trouble.

Friday night, Ellie, the Misses & I went to a local food place to eat "in".  It's kind of a fast food place, but it makes almost full meals, and you order and bring it home.

I didn't necessarily feel good at first, mostly because it almost always seems that no one can just getup and go out somewhere.

Well at the place we were ordering from, I couldn't really read their freakin' menu and what I ordered was supposed to be "mini" because I wasn't really hungry.

On the way home, Ellie started into her tirade about how my car makes this noise, or that noise and that she didn't think it was safe...

blah
blah
blah

Well, I got pissed when we got home and I left the car telling her that perhaps she should get it fixed and quit complaining about it so much.

Maybe I didn't say it, but I sure as heck thought it.

Well, when we got inside, the kids were trying to distribute the food and I was doing something else.

When I saw the size of the "mini" thing, I got pissed.

I thought Ellie had ordered it and I didn't want anything that big at all!

I tried to cut it in half, then decided I should quarter it.

When I couldn't do it easily I gave up on the thing.

We had been watching the "Heroes" TV series on DVD's recently.

I told them to just start it and that I didn't care.

Ellie started to push me to sit down and watch it, even when I said I didn't care and that they should just watch the shows anyway.

I was tired, but Ellie really cornered me out there in front the Misses and I got mad and told her that I was going to sit here, even though I didn't want to.

Then she went into how I should take a pill...

Well, I got mad and told her that I was OK and to just leave me alone.

So, I sat there and knit a few rows of this nightmare of a project.

Then I got so tired I told her I was going to bed.

I wasn't mad, I wasn't upset...

I was just TIRED.

After all, I haven't slept good in weeks! or more!

Well, I went into the bedroom, laid down.

I woke up on Saturday...

I mean, I woke up only on Saturday morning, and I was still mad about the car.

So we started talking about it.

Now, I had talked to a mechanic several times about it, and it's a noisy power steering pump.

I talked to the mechanics several times.

Ellie just knows that it makes noise and said that the mechanic said it needed to be replaced.

Well, this got to be a "I'm a better expert" or "I know more than you do" conversation... again...

I got mad, and pissed, so I told her if she knew so f-ing much then she should get it fixed.

Well, Ellie flew into a pissed off tirade and said that she should leave.

I told her to go.

I was mad, and she was mad.

I am just mad that she can't just stop and listen sometimes.

Seriously, I know she hears me, but doesn't always listen.

She left, really, really pissed off.

Before she left, I asked her if she was going to wake up the Misses and drive being as pissed off as she was.

She stopped for a second and then left.

I got worried, because she didn't take her phone.

Finally, I looked at the calendar and realized she had a nail appointment around the same time.

Ellie did return home and showed me her nails, but she was still really pissed off.

A bit later, I decided I was going to crawl under the house to spread some insecticide around the kitchen area.

During my crawling endeavour, I hurt my knee several times, banged my head and started to really feel suffocated from all the gear I had on. (Gloves, long sleeved shirt, bandanna around my mouth, etc)

This didn't help anything.

I finally decided after I couldn't really get to where I wanted to get easily, I crawled out.

When I got out, I stepped into the shower full dressed.

I did this because the knee surgery process is highly focused on an almost sterile process before the surgery.  I wanted to minimize the amount of "non-normal" dirt in the house.

The shoes got rinsed/washed out well, the socks, long sleeved coat, pants, shirts, etc...

As I did this I tossed them onto floor.

When I was done, and dried, I went into the bathroom, threw them into a hamper and drug it back to the utility room.

Swearing and using the f-word most of the time whenever things really hurt.

When I finally sat down, it hit me that Ellie had been avoiding me, with the exception of any direct questions.

It was shortly after that, when Ellie and I talked about things.

We discussed how the F-word was, really, really bad... and Ellie is VERY offended that it was used towards her.

We talked about the car, which I reminded her was possibly the 4th or 6th time we had this discussion about the car in the last 4 months.

Part of this discussion went into things that we hadn't been doing, which turned out that we're not communicating about very good (figures right?)...

Ellie said that she had to be able to express her feelings or she would feel controlled.

I told her the same thing and that I, more often than not, don't do and usually feel that she never let me do...

She thought about it and I think she did understand that it did happen.

Finally, we got to how I was being cornered the night before about the damn TV show.

She apologized for it.

Then we discussed the Bipolar Disorder problems.

Bipolar is a terrible thing to deal with.

It's not for sissies on either side of it.

You can't be a sissy and suffer with it...

Nor can you be a sissy and be married or involved with a Bipolar person.

If you've been following this blog, you know that I am abhorred by the actions that have happened in the past and even recently because of the problems being bipolar causes.

Ellie thought I was using being Bipolar as an "excuse" for things, but I told her that I don't hide behind it and I really don't think it was fair.

I accept the actions that I took, although I can say that being Bipolar influences a lot of my actions.

I pointed out those journal entries that I recently added to this blog... How I realized the problem was there and I had to do something.

It was a real big problem trying to figure out how to deal with things...

I never tried to hide and excuse my stupid actions as... "I'm sorry, my bipolar made me do that".

Bipolar does affect things and at least these days, I realize that a problem is happening...

Unfortunately I might not realize it right away....

But I AM trying really, really hard to recognize when a problem is happening and to think, why am I doing this?

Am I really justified in my actions and thoughts?

As part of my journal entries, I told Ellie that the pain from those sinus headaches was also a very large problem and influence on my actions.

These days, I rarely get sinus problems, since I started using or have a cool mist humidifier running almost all the time I'm working.

Or I suppose, I am in an an environment with higher humidity.

My intake of pain killers for the sinus pain is almost 0 these days.

I'm very, very excited for this upcoming knee replacement.

It's part of the final steps towards the elimination of my major source of pain.

In short, because I'm rambling on and the ramble is going to be another entry...

I love Ellie!

It's not that we can't disagree.

It's just that I need to keep my dang mouth in check around everyone more often and keep away from the F-Word..

Which is really hard for me whenever I'm under great duress.

The duress/stress/pain only contributes to the problem...

It does not make me use the word.

I'm sorry my dearest Ellie!

I need more sleep... but...

I do need more sleep.

BUT!!!
That's a pretty big butt. -Pearl (Finding Nemo)

I feel like I'm going to miss something if I go to sleep before everyone else.

I really should just ignore those feelings and change my mode of thinking.

If I did that, I would probably shower & shave more often.

I would also sleep better.

I really don't know why I'm not sleeping more, except...

Perhaps it's because I want to spend more intimate time with Ellie.

She's been sick recently and perhaps she's also been going through her cycle.

In case you aren't aware, she had a hysterectomy several years ago, but they left the ovaries intact.

This means, that while she doesn't have a "bloody" mess to deal with, she still has the emotional problems to deal with.

When she's not feeling well, she sleeps more and doesn't have any desire for intimacy at all.

These days, I try harder to be available and willing to be intimate with her.

Maybe I shouldn't...

but...

I don't want to get into a state where I don't want to do it at all again.

The last few manual entries from 2012 has shown that I really didn't want to do things at that time.

It appears to me, that it was due to whatever pain I was going through.

The pain affected my moods...

Without proper treatment for Bipolar Disorder at that time, everything was affected.

It really sucked, and I feel that it still really sucks.

So, I suppose I should get ready for bed earlier and try sleeping more.

Perhaps this will reinvigorate my intimacy hormones and I can become the "intimacy machine" I was last month.

Ellie and I really enjoyed that, and I want to get back to doing that again.

Manual Entry - Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Didn't sleep well at first.  Originally awoke @ 5:00 AM.  Used bathroom and though of staying up but felt tired enough that I went back to bed only to not sleep well until I got up at 7:00 AM.

Since my neck hurt, I took a hot bath, shaved & soaked till almost 8:00 AM.

I felt nauseated so I didn't take meds till after I was dressed.

For some reason, I felt really really "emotional" like I just wanted to cry.  I didn't have any rational reason for these emotions.  I started freaking out, starting having irrational thoughts of being like Billy the Kid or gun fighter.  At the time I was reeling and not certain what to do.  I had to go in for an MRI but didn't feel stable enough to go alone.  I asked Ellie to take me and she did.  I felt really bad asking her to take me.  I'm not a child.  I cried for a bit in my office upstairs.  I finally decided to tell my manager that I was having problems, they were emotional and that I was unable to work some days.  He was very supportive and was very understandable.  He asked if I needed anything and I told him I was already using the EAP. (Employee Assistance Program).  My manager, enforced my good skills and I told him I didn't want to be treated differently, only for him to understand I was having problems.

I took a pain killer for the first time, only as a possible mood enhancer.  30 min later, I took half a Zoloft and since my head started to hurt, I took another pain pill.

Ellie drove me in and I told her about my anger episode on Sunday, that I was able to control.  Even though I felt mad as hell, but I wasn't mad at anyone in particular and it wasn't personal.  I just felt extremely mad.

I made it through the MRI just fine and felt almost stable by then.  We went to DQ on our way to get the girls from the in-laws.

At my in-laws, I still felt a bit unstable but was able to function.

At home, and trying to work, my head hurt more and I was able to take the pain meds again as needed.  At least I took it for pain now.

My niece and nephews are spending the night tonight.  We're planning on playing Magic or maybe Fluxx.

We wound up playing a few rounds of Fluxx, a game where the rules & goals change based on the cards played.

After, I showed my oldest nephew how to start up Half-Life II.  I then tried to help Big Miss play Magic against Ellie, and my nephews.

My head started hurting again so I took a pain pill & laid down in bed and tried to read a bit.  I think I fell to sleep around 10:00 pm.

Ellie came to bed sometime around 11:00 PM, I think, because I caressed her for a bit and I aroused myself and we made love.  This was amazing because earlier in the day, I had told her I didn't always feel aroused or felt the need for intercourse.

I went back to sleep after 12:00 AM.

Manual Entry - Friday, March 23, 2012

Woke up not feeling well.  In fact abdomen hurt whenever cats walked or stepped on it.

Took shower, shaved and still felt bad.

Went to utility room for something, on way back my uncle said he had my birthday card.  Instead of stopping, I just said "I wasn't feeling well and wanted to eat."  So he brought it out to me a few moments later.  When he turned to go to his room my wife whispered, "Tell him thank you."

I dropped my fork, said "you're not my mom" and went back to bed.  I was angry & upset for two reasons.  First was that I didn't want to deal with that card/birthday thing yet.  Second is that Ellie has recently been telling me what to do instead of letting me deal with things my own way.  I hate being told what to do.

Ellie eventually came in and apologized and I got dressed.  I sat in the recliner in the front room and had to tell the kids I wasn't ready for birthday presents several times.  It took an hour before i felt good enough to start deciding that we would go see a movie.  By then I'd taken 2 pain pills for stomach & head pain.

We drove to the mall & watched "We bought a Zoo."  Ellie & the girls ate some lunch.

On the way home I got & drank a large McD shake.  McD shakes dont' have enough milk (if any) to upset my stomach.

While we were gone, my uncle bought some pork chops & I cooked them on the BBQ/Smoker.

After dinner, I finally opened my presents & we had cake & ice cream.

One of my presents was the movie "Puss in Boots."  We watched it, I laughed at a lot of stuff in it and went to bed after.  A few hours later, I awoke and Ellie and I made love.

I don't know how much hotter she can get!

As part of our continued intimacy, I've been thinking about purchasing Ellie a few pretty nighties for our use.

I found a two from Amazon that I finally ordered.

The first one came in yesterday.

Of course I opened it, and held it to myself to ensure it would fit Ellie.

It was even more pretty than the online pictures made it look.

I showed it to Ellie when she got home from work, and she also thought it was very pretty.

That night when we went to bed, Ellie put it on.

WOW!

It fit her great!

Without going into any further details, it was

A Hot Time in the Old Town

I got fished slapped yesterday, by a bout of depression.

Yesterday, I got up and found that Ellie had gotten up a few minutes before I did.

She was already using the front bathroom, so I went to the one in the back of the house.

I returned to bed before she did, and I expected her to return to bed shortly after.

Instead, she was decided to make omelets for the family instead.

This wasn't entirely bad until she screamed/yelled like some sort of banshee.

Yesterday I changed the water filter in the refrigerator on Saturday afternoon.

Turns out the damn thing started slowly leaking, for the first time ever after I changed it.

This distressed me because she cannot communicate worth shit when stuff goes down!

She's usually too busy freaking out and panicking to communicate.

I got up, and finally had to look myself what the problem was.

Turned out that the egg cartons were soaked, and the crisper drawers had a good amount of water built up in them.

After we got it all sorted out, I told her I was waiting for her to come back to bed for a little bit.

She told me she didn't want to do "anything"...

Now, I told her it would've been better if she'd have just told me and possibly snuggled with me for a few minutes instead.

When I woke up, I felt like I needed some emotional support from Ellie.

This whole process really set my mood back pretty badly.

I started to tear up and cry a bit.

Ellie originally thought it was because she didn't want to have relations.

I just needed her with me for a bit.

My leg also hurt like hell, and I really have problems with depression right now.

Things started getting really bad for me.

Finally, I took some Xanax to help me calm down.

Ellie offered to serve me up some of the omelet/eggs she was cooking up and I refused.

I think it was 15-20 minutes later that I started to feel calmed down, so I got up.

The eggs and meat she cooked up were just going into the fridge, so I ate them.

When the kids asked why I wasn't out originally when it was being cooked, I told them that I was really sad because of the pain in my knee.

Little Miss leaned over and gave me a big hug.

Big Miss didn't hear or was too preoccupied with things already.

Later on, I hopped into the shower, almost got froze out during the last half of my shower, but managed to survive.

If it wasn't for the recognition of Little Miss turning 12, I would've stayed home from church.

Instead, I waited till after the Sacrament and limped to the car and came home.

I didn't expect to sleep, so I watched Grosse Point Blank and worked on knitting my socks.

Over the last two weeks, I've been using up my pain medication more than I expected.

In fact, I've almost doubled it.

My use is not more than my dosage/prescribed use.

It's just that I'm using the maximum allotment of those pills through the day.

Unfortunately, I've typically been using the maximum by lunch now.

Today hasn't been too bad, but it still hurts.

I haven't taken any of my day-time / breakthrough pills yet.

Hopefully, I won't need to take any today.

Oh the pain! No seriously, it hurt!

Like usual, I dealt with a lot of pain yesterday.

My right leg got really swollen so that I could barely walk without dragging my foot.

Then going to sleep last night was a joke for the fist 30-45 minutes.

It really hurt!

Getting into bed, I almost screamed, if that was possible for me to do.

Then laying there, both knees hurt like hell.

The left one usually hurts all the time when I try to go to sleep after working, standing, "walking" on it all day.

This left me a bit frustrated on two fronts.

One, I wanted to spend some close time with Ellie

Two, Little Miss needed help on her paper and Ellie stayed up late helping her.

When Ellie did come to bed, she was too tired and I hurt too bad.

The pain was so bad, I couldn't roll over and snuggle with Ellie.

Yet, Ellie did roll over and snuggle with me for a bit.

That helped me and I did fall to sleep.

At some point between falling to sleep and now, I got up to use the bathroom and my knees didn't hurt so bad.

When Big Miss go up to shower, I rolled over and was able to snuggle against Ellie.

See, this isn't really for any sort of intimate reasons, just emotional.

A lot of my emotional stability comes from being near, next to and knowing I'll see and be with Ellie.

She's really the emotional anchor and helps to keep me grounded and from drifting.

Was it really mania driving it or was the recent slow down another problem?

Ellie and I were intimating really frequently for several weeks.

The last few days, prior to last night, we slowed down for several reasons.

We were both really tired so we needed to sleep.

I needed to spend time with the Misses, because I hadn't been spending very much Daddy/Daughter time with them.

Yesterday I started worrying that it was due to a manic state...

I didn't want it to be from a manic state!

Dammit, I enjoy the activity with Ellie!

Yesterday, I was experiencing some pretty frequent urination.

So much that I had gone a little bit about 6 times in an hour.

After a bit of research, I realized that it was due to constipation.

With the pain in my knee sky-rocketing, I was using my pain medication very heavily over the past 3-4 days.

I also realized that I hadn't been eating the amount of fruit and vegetables that I was eating.

Yesterday afternoon, I started eating more potent fruit, juice and had some "poo potion".(MiraLax)

When Ellie returned home from work and picking up the girls, we made out for a bit and things moved.

Between the time she finished her exercise class and she returned from her meeting last night, the aforementioned "stimulus" worked and I was feeling better and the frequent piss pauses disappeared.

While we laid there, thinking that we were winding down, things wound up.

Needless to say, things happened.

The only problem, was that later on when she was asleep, the damn knee pain in the left one really nailed me hard again.

It was so bad, that I got up and took a couple of my break through pain pills.

Am I sorry because my knees hurt later on?

Hell no!

The love continues....

I guess you might as well gag with the outpouring of my love towards Ellie.

It's just that I do, and I feel that all husbands should treat and adore their wives as much or more than I do Ellie.

Ellie and I talked about the future relationships of the Misses.

I didn't want to brag how good/great I was..

Yet, Ellie agreed it would be great if they could both find men who adored and treated as I do Ellie.

We moved onto times in our decade + relationship where we didn't feel as loved as we should have.

I know that Ellie felt like that and I felt that too.

Over the past few weeks, I decided that I wanted to spend more time with Ellie, not for the purpose of intimacy.

Our intimacy sessions didn't start coming for several days or so after I decided that I needed to spend more time with her.

I did marry Ellie.

I decided that she was who I wanted to spend my entire life with.

So, why shouldn't I want to continue spending as much time with her as I could?

Sometimes, I only want to be in the same room as Ellie, or just to touch her by holding hands.

Maybe I'm insecure....

I have told her that she's my emotional anchor and that she holds me to reality.

Bottom line?

We still love each other and will continue to loving each other.

I'm as corny as Kansas in August... I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love...

Today, it's beautiful day with nice warm weather for January!

An even more beautiful is Ellie!

Our intimate moments have been bringing us closer and closer together!

We both agree that we feel like we're back in our 20's just after we were married.

Actually, it's...

I suppose it goes with that cliche', "I wish I was young, knowing what I know now."

Even beyond that, it's...

I don't know...

It's been amazing and I'm even more in love with Ellie!

If that's possible!

I'm tired... but it was worth it!

Ellie and I got into a discussion last night, which led to another discussion, which then led to an experiment that worked wonders!

Things neither one of us have done before.

I don't like to post details, but to say it was amazing is an understatement!

Our conversation started around 9:00 PM and by the time we finally decided it was too late to continue on, it was after 11:00 PM.

So I'm tired, but it's a good tired and WORTH IT!

I love Ellie! General bitching, and WTF is a post from June 2015 so popular?

Last night Ellie and I had a bit of a tiff.

Nothing bad.

No yelling, screaming, nor anything that I hear from others who argue.

I made dinner for the Misses and myself.

It was sausage gravy with mashed potatoes, beets for Big Miss, Ellie and myself.  Little Miss doesn't like beets, so I was expecting her to eat spinach, which she loves.

Well, Ellie's targeted diet is towards vegetarian/vegan.

She didn't want to eat the food with the rest of us, because of the meat...

But...

Instead she pulled out these yummy pasta shells & cheese from Schwans.

They're full of cheese/dairy and fat.

Cooked them all and was about to eat them all.

I got pissed and told her that I was confused that she was being a hypocrite in her diet...

She'd eat the dairy/cheese/fat like that, but wouldn't eat the food with minimal amounts of dairy/fat/meat.

The ratio of sausage to the rest of the food was very little.

We got into the discussion of how to adapt the diet she's targeting with the diet the rest of us are eating.

It's important that we share and plan out our meals so that we can satisfy everyone without going back to a diet with very little veggies and fiber.

So, we got a vegetable soup all made up and into the crock-pot, which I turned on this morning after adding some Quinoa to it.

Last night, Ellie and I skipped our new regular "intellectual discussions", because it was getting late...

Unfortunately, it turned to the pain in my knees because it hurt like hell trying to sleep.

Our encounters help, because I participate heavily despite the knee pain.

It seems the endorphin's & what not really help to deal with the pain during and last for a while after.

The pain though is really bad, and I started into my blue funk state because it hurts no matter how I lay on it.

Rather, I can lay on my back without too much pain, but when I need to move, it really, really hurts.

It feels like ground hamburger in there with 3/4 minus gravel mixed in.

When moving the knee, it grinds the gravel further into the hamburger of the knee joint & bones, and hurts something awful.

I complained that there wasn't anything else that modern medicine could do, because I've done it all.

1. I lost weight.
1. Almost 50 pounds from my heaviest a few years ago.
2. Another 20 pounds since October.
2. I exercise the knee.
1. I use a small exercise ball and resistance band.
2. I continue to walk when it's not too awful, which is still an 8+ on the pain scale.
3. I cannot take NSAIDs.
1. I pee blood.
2. They cause me diarrhea. 
3. They contribute to my kidney stones
4. I have done cortisone injects.
1. Done in both knees multiple times.
2. Had it in my hips just before Christmas without success.
5. My use of opiods for pain only masks the pain.
6. Knee braces don't help, because they cannot change the pain caused by just the movement of the knee.
7. The left knee is the one that feels like gravel infused hamburger.
8. My right catches and pops with almost every step.
1. The catching gets worse the more I walk.
2. The pain also gets worse the more I walk.

I used to only take 1 of my "breakthrough" pain pills a day or less.

This lead me to a large reserve. (Almost 2 months extra!)

Recently, because of my pain severity, I've been using all 3 of my allotted "breakthrough" pills a day.

Even worse, I've started to use more than the 3.

Earlier this year, I was able lower my need for the buffered pain medication, so that I had almost a month and a half extra.

I had to start using 3 of those a day instead of my normal morning/night use. (12 hour difference.)

Where is this leading with my love for Ellie?

She's my strength and anchor in life, and really understands that I am not an addict with my pain medications.

Ellie was able to help calm me down and settle the depression funk I dropped into last night because the doctors usually treat me the same... "Pat me on the head and give me another supply of prescriptions for these "hard" pain medications. Then follow up with 'sorry...'"


Now to the June 3, 2015 post..

The title of it is "and if I get melancholy, which can happen, I expect you to be my companion and solace me."

Now that I look at the content of that post, I'm not certain if it's the title or the content.

You'll just have to read it to see if it's that intriguing. (http://jaredstrider.blogspot.com/2015/06/and-if-i-get-melancholy-which-can.html)

Things are cruising along at "warp speed"... if you will.

Things are still going really good.

Ellie and I learned more things to keep moving along.

That's about all I'll say about our adventures...

Except, that we're enjoying it, we love each other.

I don't like to brag, detail anything that goes on between Ellie and I.

For several reasons:

1. It'd embarrass Ellie.
2. It's not appropriate.
3. I'd be worried that someone would get really bad perverted ideas towards Ellie.
4. Personally, as "guy talk" goes, I do have things to brag about.
1. BUT
1. See the items above.

Suffice to say!

Life is good!

It's been good to be... Well, you know...

Things have been really good since my last post.

Granted, I was in a mixed episode of sorts, where I was both manic and driven into a depressed state coupled by anxiety.

In other words, I was in an aroused manic state where I wanted to share myself with Ellie as only we could do together as a couple.

Then, I got depressed Thursday night when she said she was extremely tired and only wanted to sleep.

I had worked myself up really high to have intimacy with Ellie.

The next day, I was really, really tired from not sleeping and I felt that I was at fault for so many things.

I wound up taking as close to half a Seroquel as I could.

The damn thing just about knocked me completely out, and I had to stop working.

When I sat down in the recliner, I passed out for several hours.

After I woke up, I was still wound up so I took half of a Xanax and finally calmed down.

Ellie is off from work a half hour before the Misses are out of school.

She stopped by the house on Friday to get changed for her workout session, and we were both in such a state for intimacy that we ...

Well, you know...

That helped settle my freakin' mental & emotional freak out.

I believe things happened again that night.

Saturday morning things happened again, and again that afternoon I believe.

That night we were both exhausted and Ellie bruised her heel really bad, so we took a hiatus.

Sunday morning didn't stop us, neither did the afternoon, nor did the late evening session.

Needless to say, things went very well, and We feel like we're in our 20's again, and ...

Well, it's good to be ...

All I can say is that I love Ellie and we've enjoyed each other so much that we hope we can continue with everything at this rate!