Since all of the surgeries were cancelled for the Surgeon, which includes my knee replacement, I'm starting to see that it was probably good for me.
Although, it sucks because I still get to deal with the pain from the knees on a daily basis.
It does seem like providence, that it happened.
During the time between when I got the bad news and now, Ellie and the Misses have been sick with a fever/cold/flu thing.
Then the past 5+ days I've been sick myself.
Mostly with a cold, which turned pretty ugly Sunday through today.
It started with the usual cold, congestion, cough, etc. Nothing major.
My eyes were having problems when I woke up on Friday and Saturday, because they were crusty with stuff. Also, my ears have been really been FUBAR. Everything was muffled and I had lots of pressure.
Saturday before Easter Sunday, I barely had any sleep.
We went out to Ellie's folk's place I started to get a lot of sinus pain, and it managed to get better by the time we ate dinner and finally sat down to chat.
After a bit, I got really drowsy, so I laid down in the spare bedroom to nap.
It wasn't good sleep because things were noisy, which they always are with all the nieces and nephews around.
When I got up a bit later, my eyes were really goopy.
In the bathroom, I cleaned and cleaned my eyes out.
When I was done, I went back to the bedroom put on my glasses.
By the time I got back to the bathroom, only a few feet, my eyes were goopy again.
I showed this to Ellie and she decided it was time to go.
Ellie's sister called out "Everyone! Wash your hands!"
Now, I had been doing that vigilantly since I had this nasty cold going on.
On Monday, I went to the walk-in clinic early in the morning.
The Dr. there said that the eye, cold, ear stuff should clear up soon if I kept things clean, which I had been doing.
Except he did say that the eye stuff was pink-eye and was most likely caused by rubbing my eyes after wiping my nose.
Basically, I gave it to myself by infecting my own eyes.
This Dr. also gave me an Rx for an antibiotic because of my frequent sinus infections.
(wow, does this post just keep going or what!?)
Monday Night, I took the Antibiotic, and "slept" which didn't really work because I got one of those nasty sinus pressure "headaches" that lasted all night, and most of Tuesday "morning".
Actually, after everyone went to school, I waited to take the antibiotic for a bit because I was feeling a bit queasy.
Well, it happened and I emptied my stomach and flushed my breakfast down the drain.
An hour or so later, I finally started to feel better, and I took the antibiotic.
I slept most of the day on Tuesday. In between, I watched these REALLY cheesy B rated movies I bought on a DVD I bought for $6. (I'm going to toss the disc. None of the movies were really that great.)
Well, today I'm feeling better, but my ear still feels like shit. I have stuff dripping down my throat.
I don't hurt, but it still sucks.
I guess where I'm going with this post (finally!) is that I don't know if it's really been a curse that the surgery was canceled.
My only major problem with the cancellation is that I'm not certain when/if it will be scheduled again.
The current time frame I have for the actual surgery might be in August.
This morning Ellie said she's going to push for a bilateral replacement. Which is replacing both knees at one time.
It'll be a lot of work for me, and possibly hurt like hell, but at least it'll all be over with in one shot.
Then I'll be two joints closer to being a Cyberdyne Terminator. :)
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Monday, March 28, 2016
Perhaps she's just temperamental?
Things went really well with Ellie's mom.
I mean, when she's not acting/being icy, she's actually a very nice person.
Perhaps I got myself psyched up for no reason.
At any rate, I got her laptop figured out.
While it didn't yield anything, I went through the running processes and applications looking for a possible threat.
What she was running into was that she kept getting redirected to/through the ASK web page/sites/etc.
I went into Firefox, reset the homepage, manually reset all of the specific ASK settings using about:config.
When restarting Firefox the damn thing had already modified the homepage and other settings back.
I looked at the shortcut for Firefox to make sure that something else wasn't launching with it.
Only the Firefox executable was being launched there and it was from the right directory.
In the Add/Remove or "Programs & Features" part of the Control Panel, there wasn't any program/etc that indicated that ASK was a separate installation/application.
At this time, I wished I had my personal applications and tools.
One of the tools I wrote gives me information on all MSI applications and MSI files in Windows.
I backed up her bookmarks out of Firefox, and was getting ready to just reset it or remove all plug-ins,etc.
What I found when I went to plugins, was a map assistant one.
Now, she told me she installed something when she was looking for driving directions.
I removed this plugin, and it then asked me if I wanted to remove the ASK plug-in...
I didn't even SEE an ASK plugin!
Needless to say, that fixed the ASK plugin problems.
What shocked me though, is that there are STILL people piggy backing these damn applications into their installers.
I don't think that the ASK stuff was embedded and hidden, but..
Like a LOT of users, when they're installing something that they wanted to, they just keep clicking OK or NEXT.
Which is how a LOT of this shit keeps getting installed.
Although, in the way-back-machine, these apps were just installed without any indication.
These days, they will prompt a user to install.
Again, keep clicking NEXT, and you'll get crap you don't want!
Anyhow, I'm digressing big time.
The other thing she had going on, was that she said her CD-ROM drive wasn't reading data correctly.
She has this CD that she couldn't read.
Looking at the physical disc, it showed that data had been burned to it.
Ellie had already tested the drive earlier that week with an audio CD, which worked fine.
I put the disc iinto my Majaro laptop and it didn't mount it up nor did it recognize the file system.
So, I put a different data disc into her mom's laptop and it read it fine.
Which means this CD is hosed.
Whoever wrote/burned it probably did not close the session correctly.
Luckily for Ellie's mom, she had another computer that could actually read that data.
Overall it was good.
Unfortunately, it does seem that Ellie's mom has some sort of spells where she kind of icy uncaring state.
During part of a large family discussion we were all part of, she said that she doesn't deal with sick people very well.
Not even did she deal well with her own children when they were sick.
I think this explains WTF she seems icy towards me...
Really hard to not limp or grimace while I'm walking these days...
I mean, when she's not acting/being icy, she's actually a very nice person.
Perhaps I got myself psyched up for no reason.
At any rate, I got her laptop figured out.
While it didn't yield anything, I went through the running processes and applications looking for a possible threat.
What she was running into was that she kept getting redirected to/through the ASK web page/sites/etc.
I went into Firefox, reset the homepage, manually reset all of the specific ASK settings using about:config.
When restarting Firefox the damn thing had already modified the homepage and other settings back.
I looked at the shortcut for Firefox to make sure that something else wasn't launching with it.
Only the Firefox executable was being launched there and it was from the right directory.
In the Add/Remove or "Programs & Features" part of the Control Panel, there wasn't any program/etc that indicated that ASK was a separate installation/application.
At this time, I wished I had my personal applications and tools.
One of the tools I wrote gives me information on all MSI applications and MSI files in Windows.
I backed up her bookmarks out of Firefox, and was getting ready to just reset it or remove all plug-ins,etc.
What I found when I went to plugins, was a map assistant one.
Now, she told me she installed something when she was looking for driving directions.
I removed this plugin, and it then asked me if I wanted to remove the ASK plug-in...
I didn't even SEE an ASK plugin!
Needless to say, that fixed the ASK plugin problems.
What shocked me though, is that there are STILL people piggy backing these damn applications into their installers.
I don't think that the ASK stuff was embedded and hidden, but..
Like a LOT of users, when they're installing something that they wanted to, they just keep clicking OK or NEXT.
Which is how a LOT of this shit keeps getting installed.
Although, in the way-back-machine, these apps were just installed without any indication.
These days, they will prompt a user to install.
Again, keep clicking NEXT, and you'll get crap you don't want!
Anyhow, I'm digressing big time.
The other thing she had going on, was that she said her CD-ROM drive wasn't reading data correctly.
She has this CD that she couldn't read.
Looking at the physical disc, it showed that data had been burned to it.
Ellie had already tested the drive earlier that week with an audio CD, which worked fine.
I put the disc iinto my Majaro laptop and it didn't mount it up nor did it recognize the file system.
So, I put a different data disc into her mom's laptop and it read it fine.
Which means this CD is hosed.
Whoever wrote/burned it probably did not close the session correctly.
Luckily for Ellie's mom, she had another computer that could actually read that data.
Overall it was good.
Unfortunately, it does seem that Ellie's mom has some sort of spells where she kind of icy uncaring state.
During part of a large family discussion we were all part of, she said that she doesn't deal with sick people very well.
Not even did she deal well with her own children when they were sick.
I think this explains WTF she seems icy towards me...
Really hard to not limp or grimace while I'm walking these days...
Saturday, March 26, 2016
I have to write this down before I leave.
This last week, I've started to have that fight or flight type of feeling, with my heart racing off/on. Or at least it feels like it's racing.
It was also because of the depression and anger from my cancel knee replacement.
The last few days, I've taken half of 25mg of Seroquel at night.
I know, I know, I know.
It messes with my blood pressure, but it's the only thing that can calm down what's happening to me.
Today, I'm going out to Ellie's folk's house with the Misses.
Ellie's mom asked for some help with her computer.
Well, I asked for the computer to be here, so that I can backup/image the drive.
Then I could start work on it...
Or
Get it ready to do a system restore, patch & upgrade everything, then restore her individual files.
She didn't want to do that.
She "needed" her data there too much to let me have it.
Well, I'm not certain what's up her butt about it... but there is.
Of course, she's still acting cold towards me...
That is...
Until she needs/wants something from me.
Then she's all buddy/pal/pal with me.
Well, I am still having trouble with the fight or flight problem...
AND
I've had a nasty sinus attack in the last hour.
The last few days I've been battling a nasty cold.
Today, I thought I'd use a sinus rinse with a nose "douche" to wash out my sinuses.
I got a lot of green goo out, but it also triggered my sinus attack.
Just now, I'm starting to feel better, but that's probably from the pain killer I took and the Claritin.
Which means it's more than likely allergy related and not a cold.
Or perhaps it's a sinus infection.
Or perhaps, again, what got washed up into the upper sinuses that's causing the pain finally moved/released/drained/etc.
I just hope that whatever is giving me the fight or flight is calmed down now.
It usually agitates me into an angry state and I tend to lash out.
That and I usually just become the worlds biggest asshole.
God bless, and remember this Easter that Jesus lives!
It was also because of the depression and anger from my cancel knee replacement.
The last few days, I've taken half of 25mg of Seroquel at night.
I know, I know, I know.
It messes with my blood pressure, but it's the only thing that can calm down what's happening to me.
Today, I'm going out to Ellie's folk's house with the Misses.
Ellie's mom asked for some help with her computer.
Well, I asked for the computer to be here, so that I can backup/image the drive.
Then I could start work on it...
Or
Get it ready to do a system restore, patch & upgrade everything, then restore her individual files.
She didn't want to do that.
She "needed" her data there too much to let me have it.
Well, I'm not certain what's up her butt about it... but there is.
Of course, she's still acting cold towards me...
That is...
Until she needs/wants something from me.
Then she's all buddy/pal/pal with me.
Well, I am still having trouble with the fight or flight problem...
AND
I've had a nasty sinus attack in the last hour.
The last few days I've been battling a nasty cold.
Today, I thought I'd use a sinus rinse with a nose "douche" to wash out my sinuses.
I got a lot of green goo out, but it also triggered my sinus attack.
Just now, I'm starting to feel better, but that's probably from the pain killer I took and the Claritin.
Which means it's more than likely allergy related and not a cold.
Or perhaps it's a sinus infection.
Or perhaps, again, what got washed up into the upper sinuses that's causing the pain finally moved/released/drained/etc.
I just hope that whatever is giving me the fight or flight is calmed down now.
It usually agitates me into an angry state and I tend to lash out.
That and I usually just become the worlds biggest asshole.
God bless, and remember this Easter that Jesus lives!
Monday, March 21, 2016
...for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
I wanted to write this up, because this has been driving me a little nuts and it poses me more questions than answers right now.
Perhaps by writing up what I know and understand will help me with my answers. Or at least ease my mind about these things.
Recently, if I haven't posted info on this recently, a "friend" of mine confessed that he had inappropriate sexual conduct with his daughter. He & his wife adopted this child as an infant.
I'm surprised and shocked at what he did!
Obviously.
Well, my thoughts have been circling around and around about forgiveness and justice for his sins.
Let me back up a second or two here.
This last Christmas, I really noticed the theme behind Christmas movies and stories, including The Story.
All of these stories are almost all about redemption.
Christmas Carol, is about redemption. Scrooge's friend Marley warns him about his sins and gives him opportunities to learn about his errors and in general path towards redemption.
When Christ was born, this is the start of mankind's redemption.
While He was alive, Jesus taught us the rest of the Gospel and fulfilled the Judaic Laws.
Men could repent the whole time before His birth, but it wasn't until His death and resurrection, that we could receive a full remission of our sins.
God gave us the laws.
These laws exist to help us live our lives as He would have us.
However, if Laws are to exist, there must be a punishment for breaking these laws.
Without some form of redemption or repentance, the punishment will be given.
Jesus died and atoned for our sins.
What this means, is that when we fully repent of our sins, he will take our punishment.
In essence, he will atone or take those lashes meant for us.
Everyone has a chance at redemption.
EVERYONE.
Where does this head with regards to my friend?
Well...
There are many, many forms of sin.
What he committed is horrible!
In my opinion, all sexual and abuse towards non-adults is an abomination before God!
With the exception of punishment for those breaking laws, I believe that any form of abuse towards ANYONE is a sin!
Abusing someone is taking away their rights & freedom.
The abuser performs actions against the victims by taking away their rights & freedom.
Whether verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual, it's all WRONG!
Now, vengeance...
I really, really hate knowing, hearing and learning about things like this.
My memory has a been really good tool for me, but it is also a cruel curse. I remember and can recall terrible things I've done and things I've seen & heard.
For me to learn that a friend has done this terrible deed is very hard on me.
Emotionally, I want to cry, shout, throw things and in short, throw a tantrum because of his actions.
Getting to the message here:
What should happen to him?I cannot say.
There are lots of things that I would like to have or heard done to him.
Yet, it's not my place.
Since he also has a chance at redemption...
Should he forgiven?
Will he be forgiven?
Can he find a true repentance for this sin?
Or does his repentance for this sin only lower the punishment?
With his repentance, is it going to be where he's "paroled for good behavior"?
Will he get punishment, but not the full brunt of it?
I don't know.
Should I be worried for him?
No.
Well, as a Christian...
And just in general for who I am...
I do worry for him...
BUT
I want justice and punishment to be delivered for this abhorrence!
Here's my problem.
He's not my family.
I'm not related or connected to his family in anyway, but by him.
Yet, why I do I feel so much pain for his family over this?
After I learned that this happened, I offered to help his wife with their computer needs and try to liquidate his radios & equipment.
While, I am going to buy & trade work for his HF radio & associated equipment, it's not the reason why I'm doing this.
My intent of helping them was not to buy or take his stuff...
I don't know, I feel that they need my charity.
I cannot afford to give them any finances, I can give them my time...
In short, since I am not going to get any sort of Vengeance for this, and it's not really my place...
I can get peace...
More importantly.
I can give of my services to his family.
I don't necessarily know why I need to do this...
I just need to.
WTF ME?
I'm glad Ellie is here as my emotional support, but I really feel like a kid sucking on his mamma's tit some days.
I don't want to burden Ellie with my emotional baggage... but dammit.
It's hard to know where to turn.
Perhaps "The Standard Mormon Answer"?
It's the answer for every religion that I can think of.
My personal belief is that God doesn't punish people because they've done something wrong, because that would be jacked up.
I also don't believe that mental illness or emotional problems are also a punishment and that you've done something wrong, which is why you're fucked up.
However, I do understand that the Holy Ghost isn't as close when you're not attempting to be closer to God.
Maybe I just answered my own question...
I don't want to burden Ellie with my emotional baggage... but dammit.
It's hard to know where to turn.
Perhaps "The Standard Mormon Answer"?
Pray and read your scripturesI know that's not just a Mormon answer.
It's the answer for every religion that I can think of.
My personal belief is that God doesn't punish people because they've done something wrong, because that would be jacked up.
I also don't believe that mental illness or emotional problems are also a punishment and that you've done something wrong, which is why you're fucked up.
However, I do understand that the Holy Ghost isn't as close when you're not attempting to be closer to God.
Maybe I just answered my own question...
I'll have to settle for a snowball because the consistency of shit varies too much.
At the time where my surgery was canceled, I was communicating with the short term disability company and HR.
When it was cancelled, I told them to cancel things and that I'd deal with the pain until the doctors could fix it.
Well, the HR chick got a bug up her ass about the "pain", and in her effort to "help" me, she actually made things worse.
On Friday, she asked that I call.
During the call, she started into how I should fill out this form, and that form, etc.
Then she started asking for more information that I really shouldn't have given her.
It really, really felt like a fucking ambush.
Today, I really, really regret talking to her.
I told her this in an email today.
She replied and asked if she should transfer this to another person.
DO YOU THINK?
Shit.
Then I sent her a reply that the email started out cancelling the Short Term Disability, and turned into a huge mess.
My anxiety already pretty high and my emotions are really fucked up.
Hell, a few hours ago, I left a message with my shrink about the possible need to start on antidepressants again.
I asked for Zoloft, because I know that doesn't fuck me up too much.
It's been over an hour since I sent the reply and she hasn't replied yet.
I think I'm just going to ignore her for a while and see what happens.
Perhaps this chick will just drop it.
Because I really don't know how much longer I can endure this stress.
When it was cancelled, I told them to cancel things and that I'd deal with the pain until the doctors could fix it.
Well, the HR chick got a bug up her ass about the "pain", and in her effort to "help" me, she actually made things worse.
On Friday, she asked that I call.
During the call, she started into how I should fill out this form, and that form, etc.
Then she started asking for more information that I really shouldn't have given her.
It really, really felt like a fucking ambush.
Today, I really, really regret talking to her.
I told her this in an email today.
She replied and asked if she should transfer this to another person.
DO YOU THINK?
Shit.
Then I sent her a reply that the email started out cancelling the Short Term Disability, and turned into a huge mess.
My anxiety already pretty high and my emotions are really fucked up.
Hell, a few hours ago, I left a message with my shrink about the possible need to start on antidepressants again.
I asked for Zoloft, because I know that doesn't fuck me up too much.
It's been over an hour since I sent the reply and she hasn't replied yet.
I think I'm just going to ignore her for a while and see what happens.
Perhaps this chick will just drop it.
Because I really don't know how much longer I can endure this stress.
I hate being bipolar!
Being bipolar and successful is not for pussies.
Right now, I don't know how I'm surviving like I haven't been.
I am or was a successful software developer.
Seriously.
What I have going on right now, is scaring me again.
I don't honestly know where to go or what to do.
On Thursday, I spoke with a gal in HR, since she was concerned with my pain.
She pushed at me pretty hard about my working arrangements.
I'm worried by the way she was acting/talking to me.
Remember, I work from home for MANY reasons.
These days the #1 reason is because of the pain and associated lack of sleep from my arthritic knees.
The other reasons are also associated from the knees.
Should I be driving because of my pain medication intake?
Stereotypically, no.
Doctors and law enforcement don't want people driving who are under the influence of pain medication.
I'm worried and scared.
Yesterday, Ellie fed my anxiety and depression, without meaning to.
She started the conversation with, "I need to talk to you about something."
Her sister, who works at the hospital, told her in a very, very helpful way that the Surgeon we were going to see might only perform surgeries at a hospital that my insurance might not 100% cover. That perhaps, we should call and see if this is true, then to reschedule with another surgeon who does.
After hearing it, I was very upset and almost started to cry.
So I got upset and got ready to leave.
I actually needed to go shopping to get a few things for dinner.
At the store, I really really just wanted to buy lots of food and junk to feed my anger and depression.
No wonder so many of us with mental health issues are fat fuckers.
Even today I'm worried and scared.
I know taking Xanax can help, but then I'm drowsy as all fuck.
Then it's even harder to work.
Working is a big problem for me these days again.
I just can't always seem to work.
Today, I also have an appointment with my doctor for my quarterly pain medication refills.
I invited Ellie along, and now I don't think I wan her there.
I really want to ask the doctor for something to help me focus on work.
I'm really having a hard time focusing.
Even when I take caffeine, sugar, etc. to try and boost my alertness, I can't seem to work.
These days, I'm thinning out, but it's also because it's driven by emotions.
Well, I'm off to try and work some more...
Right now, I don't know how I'm surviving like I haven't been.
I am or was a successful software developer.
Seriously.
What I have going on right now, is scaring me again.
I don't honestly know where to go or what to do.
On Thursday, I spoke with a gal in HR, since she was concerned with my pain.
She pushed at me pretty hard about my working arrangements.
I'm worried by the way she was acting/talking to me.
Remember, I work from home for MANY reasons.
These days the #1 reason is because of the pain and associated lack of sleep from my arthritic knees.
The other reasons are also associated from the knees.
Should I be driving because of my pain medication intake?
Stereotypically, no.
Doctors and law enforcement don't want people driving who are under the influence of pain medication.
I'm worried and scared.
Yesterday, Ellie fed my anxiety and depression, without meaning to.
She started the conversation with, "I need to talk to you about something."
Her sister, who works at the hospital, told her in a very, very helpful way that the Surgeon we were going to see might only perform surgeries at a hospital that my insurance might not 100% cover. That perhaps, we should call and see if this is true, then to reschedule with another surgeon who does.
After hearing it, I was very upset and almost started to cry.
So I got upset and got ready to leave.
I actually needed to go shopping to get a few things for dinner.
At the store, I really really just wanted to buy lots of food and junk to feed my anger and depression.
No wonder so many of us with mental health issues are fat fuckers.
Even today I'm worried and scared.
I know taking Xanax can help, but then I'm drowsy as all fuck.
Then it's even harder to work.
Working is a big problem for me these days again.
I just can't always seem to work.
Today, I also have an appointment with my doctor for my quarterly pain medication refills.
I invited Ellie along, and now I don't think I wan her there.
I really want to ask the doctor for something to help me focus on work.
I'm really having a hard time focusing.
Even when I take caffeine, sugar, etc. to try and boost my alertness, I can't seem to work.
These days, I'm thinning out, but it's also because it's driven by emotions.
Well, I'm off to try and work some more...
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
I'm watching you, Wazowski. Always watching.
I got a text from Ellie's sister today.
She said that all of the surgeon's total joint surgeries were suspended & cancelled.
It's very suspicious as to why a surgeon would suddenly have to cancel ALL of the surgeries that were scheduled.
Now, I hope it's for a good reason and not that he's being a dick or something.
Since all future surgeries were cancelled, he must be in some sort of trouble, family or otherwise.
Anyhow, the mystery continues.
She said that all of the surgeon's total joint surgeries were suspended & cancelled.
It's very suspicious as to why a surgeon would suddenly have to cancel ALL of the surgeries that were scheduled.
Now, I hope it's for a good reason and not that he's being a dick or something.
Since all future surgeries were cancelled, he must be in some sort of trouble, family or otherwise.
Anyhow, the mystery continues.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Someone had better be dead, deathly sick, suspended or on their way to prison...
My damn knee surgery has been cancelled!
The mother fucker's office, called me right out of the blue on Friday telling me that the surgery was cancelled and that they weren't scheduling any further things with this doctor.
So WTF!?
I'm glad Little Miss was home from school sick that day.
I don't honestly know what I would've done.
Today, I'm fairly calm compared to the swearing and crying I did on Friday and Saturday.
It was complete shit for me to go through.
All weekend and even last night, I didn't sleep good.
Over the weekend, Ellie's sister suggested that I call and get the records in any form possible, including X-Rays/images, and a letter/statement why the surgery was cancelled.
The records department was very good about getting me the info I needed to fill out to get the records requested.
Then I had to speak to the main desk at the surgeon's office and ask them for an official letter,which they said would be mailed to me soon.
I also told them to get it to the other surgeon's office so that I could avoid having to go through all of these tests again.
Last night, I believe I averaged about 2 hours of sleep before waking up in a great deal of pain, rolling over then eventually falling to sleep again.
I have been thinking about my sleep patterns for the past few months.
It's a freakin' miracle if I sleep completely through the night,1-2 nights a month.
It's freakin' lucky if I sleep 4-6 hours straight 1-4 nights a month.
I'm lucky if I sleep 2-4 hours straight the rest of the time.
Completely fucked, if I sleep 1 hour at a time, or at all.
Thinking about all of this shit...
Needless to say, I'm not sure how I really feel about my last post.
After all, that salad dissertation has been in the back of my mind a lot right now.
I really don't want to be known or think of myself as:
The mother fucker's office, called me right out of the blue on Friday telling me that the surgery was cancelled and that they weren't scheduling any further things with this doctor.
So WTF!?
I'm glad Little Miss was home from school sick that day.
I don't honestly know what I would've done.
Today, I'm fairly calm compared to the swearing and crying I did on Friday and Saturday.
It was complete shit for me to go through.
All weekend and even last night, I didn't sleep good.
Over the weekend, Ellie's sister suggested that I call and get the records in any form possible, including X-Rays/images, and a letter/statement why the surgery was cancelled.
The records department was very good about getting me the info I needed to fill out to get the records requested.
Then I had to speak to the main desk at the surgeon's office and ask them for an official letter,which they said would be mailed to me soon.
I also told them to get it to the other surgeon's office so that I could avoid having to go through all of these tests again.
Last night, I believe I averaged about 2 hours of sleep before waking up in a great deal of pain, rolling over then eventually falling to sleep again.
I have been thinking about my sleep patterns for the past few months.
It's a freakin' miracle if I sleep completely through the night,1-2 nights a month.
It's freakin' lucky if I sleep 4-6 hours straight 1-4 nights a month.
I'm lucky if I sleep 2-4 hours straight the rest of the time.
Completely fucked, if I sleep 1 hour at a time, or at all.
Thinking about all of this shit...
Needless to say, I'm not sure how I really feel about my last post.
After all, that salad dissertation has been in the back of my mind a lot right now.
I really don't want to be known or think of myself as:
- the who's always in pain...
- the guy who's knees are really messed up...
- the guy who's always swearing and complaining.
Friday, March 11, 2016
Don't worry.... Be Happy... BE WHAT?
One of my recent posts went into an argument that Ellie and I had.
Part of what I was thinking about while writing that post, I wanted to continue in another post.
It was regarding the use of pain meds...
But...
More importantly, it's being or becoming your ailments.
What I mean, is that I often become my pain.
Almost EVERYONE becomes their pain or ailments.
I know this, because as I was reading through my old journal entries, I noticed that a LOT of what I was feeling like.
Even over the past few years, I noticed that one of the first things I've talked about with people, or where things go is towards the pain I experience.
In the past, without the pain, I was always discussing thing I did, or things I saw, things I wanted to do...
Instead of
"Oh HOLY CRAP this HURTS!"
Or
"I just hurt all the time!"
Now that I look at it and think about it, it sucks, and I'd rather not chat with people who are like that.
It's boring and makes that person just seem unlikable.
I notice that Ellie does this about school/work/woman's club stuff.
Ellie's mom does this ALOT about the same things.
There was one night, they stopped by to take us out to dinner.
I hadn't had a chance to talk to Ellie that night, and I never, EVER got a word in until they left the house to go get into their car.
Then I was upset and talked to Ellie for a few minutes before we got there.
I really feel sorry for Ellie's dad.
He's a really, really good guy.
He's not quite like my father, but he's someone I greatly admire.
There are times, I wonder how much he actually says.
Don't get my wrong.
I love Ellie's mom.
Recently though, it seems that she's always giving me a cold shoulder, no matter what the situation is.
Then when she needs something she's over friendly, etc.
I'm really tempted, if this doesn't change, to just tell her no.
No matter how nice you can be, if I'm constantly getting the cold shoulder from people, I just don't want to help them anymore.
WTF help someone who's just ignoring you?
Anyhow, going back around to the start of this post.
You, me, myself and I, should think about who we are, more than what we're going through.
It's not fun to become your ailment, and definitely not fun for anyone to talk to you.
I know it's really hard to not be what's hurting or bothering you.
Like, I need to back off talking about being Bipolar and how bad the pain in my legs hurts.
Here's the last part of a sermon/talk from a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I call it the "Salad" part of his talk:
It's a Salad, because of the number of times he says: "let us"
I only think about his words from a video I found several months ago, when I was struggling called "Reflections". (https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/reflections)
Part of what I was thinking about while writing that post, I wanted to continue in another post.
It was regarding the use of pain meds...
But...
More importantly, it's being or becoming your ailments.
What I mean, is that I often become my pain.
Almost EVERYONE becomes their pain or ailments.
I know this, because as I was reading through my old journal entries, I noticed that a LOT of what I was feeling like.
Even over the past few years, I noticed that one of the first things I've talked about with people, or where things go is towards the pain I experience.
In the past, without the pain, I was always discussing thing I did, or things I saw, things I wanted to do...
Instead of
"Oh HOLY CRAP this HURTS!"
Or
"I just hurt all the time!"
Now that I look at it and think about it, it sucks, and I'd rather not chat with people who are like that.
It's boring and makes that person just seem unlikable.
I notice that Ellie does this about school/work/woman's club stuff.
Ellie's mom does this ALOT about the same things.
There was one night, they stopped by to take us out to dinner.
I hadn't had a chance to talk to Ellie that night, and I never, EVER got a word in until they left the house to go get into their car.
Then I was upset and talked to Ellie for a few minutes before we got there.
I really feel sorry for Ellie's dad.
He's a really, really good guy.
He's not quite like my father, but he's someone I greatly admire.
There are times, I wonder how much he actually says.
Don't get my wrong.
I love Ellie's mom.
Recently though, it seems that she's always giving me a cold shoulder, no matter what the situation is.
Then when she needs something she's over friendly, etc.
I'm really tempted, if this doesn't change, to just tell her no.
No matter how nice you can be, if I'm constantly getting the cold shoulder from people, I just don't want to help them anymore.
WTF help someone who's just ignoring you?
Anyhow, going back around to the start of this post.
You, me, myself and I, should think about who we are, more than what we're going through.
It's not fun to become your ailment, and definitely not fun for anyone to talk to you.
I know it's really hard to not be what's hurting or bothering you.
Like, I need to back off talking about being Bipolar and how bad the pain in my legs hurts.
Here's the last part of a sermon/talk from a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I call it the "Salad" part of his talk:
Elder James B. Martino taught, “In our trials, let us not become bitter or uncommitted, but let us follow the Savior’s example of becoming more earnest, more sincere, and more faithful. ... Let us not complain, … let us serve others, and let us forgive one another. As we do this, all things will work together for good to us that love God.”
It's a Salad, because of the number of times he says: "let us"
I only think about his words from a video I found several months ago, when I was struggling called "Reflections". (https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/reflections)
When I watch or hear it, it really gives me something to think about.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
I'm a bit anxious... but I don't know why...
Ellie and I have a great relationship...
I think.
I mean, I love her and she says she loves me.
But today, I'm anxious about it.
It's probably nothing...
...again...
It's only founded on the idea that she might not want the Misses here after I return home from the surgery.
I'd like to have them home on the Friday or Saturday after the surgery is over.
I want to see and spend time with my girls.
Granted, it might only be for watching movies, but perhaps we can dye our Easter eggs that day.
We like to do silly stuff like that.
In fact, I'd like to take them out today to shop for our Easter dying kits, just to see what is out there.
I've made up my mind...
I'm going to take them out after I pick them up from school today to look for the dye kit.
Maybe it'll be a local pharmacy chain, because Wal-Mart & the other store we go to in town have basically the same kits.
The pharmacy usually has different things, and more novelty items. That and they'll have seasonal treats that we'll buy as part of our monthly treat "program".
Big Miss and I started this tradition last year.
We decided that we were going to go out once a month when I pick her up on Weds' early release day and get a treat.
It could be ice cream treat from DQ or a milk shake from the local burger joint... or some sort of candy treat from the stores we shop at those days.
So today, I think it'll be something from the pharmacy when we pick up the egg dying kit.
As for Ellie and I...
It's probably nothing at all...
I just don't like it when she starts talking to her parents about when/where the Misses might be/go without talking to me first.
I just love being with my daughters.
Just as much as I love being with Ellie.
It helps me to be calm and strong.
Even though, in the past, before I got help & treatment for Bipolar Disorder, I was a complete asshole at times.
I love them all.
I think.
I mean, I love her and she says she loves me.
But today, I'm anxious about it.
It's probably nothing...
...again...
It's only founded on the idea that she might not want the Misses here after I return home from the surgery.
I'd like to have them home on the Friday or Saturday after the surgery is over.
I want to see and spend time with my girls.
Granted, it might only be for watching movies, but perhaps we can dye our Easter eggs that day.
We like to do silly stuff like that.
In fact, I'd like to take them out today to shop for our Easter dying kits, just to see what is out there.
I've made up my mind...
I'm going to take them out after I pick them up from school today to look for the dye kit.
Maybe it'll be a local pharmacy chain, because Wal-Mart & the other store we go to in town have basically the same kits.
The pharmacy usually has different things, and more novelty items. That and they'll have seasonal treats that we'll buy as part of our monthly treat "program".
Big Miss and I started this tradition last year.
We decided that we were going to go out once a month when I pick her up on Weds' early release day and get a treat.
It could be ice cream treat from DQ or a milk shake from the local burger joint... or some sort of candy treat from the stores we shop at those days.
So today, I think it'll be something from the pharmacy when we pick up the egg dying kit.
As for Ellie and I...
It's probably nothing at all...
I just don't like it when she starts talking to her parents about when/where the Misses might be/go without talking to me first.
I just love being with my daughters.
Just as much as I love being with Ellie.
It helps me to be calm and strong.
Even though, in the past, before I got help & treatment for Bipolar Disorder, I was a complete asshole at times.
I love them all.
Monday, March 7, 2016
This was my first time, and I'm nervous...
On Friday, I returned my old corporate laptop after I wiped the disk with a DOD standard wipe.
I went into the foyer and asked the receptionist to see if one of the "IT" guys would come down and pick it up, because I couldn't walk very well.
Without going into great detail, she essentially embarrassed me and forced me to walk part way down to deliver this laptop.
I'm pretty pissed and upset about this.
Today was the first time that I've ever submitted a harassment complaint through my manager to HR.
The boss said I should've gone to HR directly, but since I got him involved he had to take action and asked me to email summary.
I did this, and now I'm not sure WTF will happen.
I know this person didn't do it on purpose...
but dammit...
Why should all of my disability circumstance information be given to a security guard?
Why wouldn't this person offer to just have me sit...
Instead, she started giving me a bit of crap because I wanted to sit down on a chair with arms, instead of a couch where the arms are too far apart for me to use...
Wish me luck...
I guess.
I went into the foyer and asked the receptionist to see if one of the "IT" guys would come down and pick it up, because I couldn't walk very well.
Without going into great detail, she essentially embarrassed me and forced me to walk part way down to deliver this laptop.
I'm pretty pissed and upset about this.
Today was the first time that I've ever submitted a harassment complaint through my manager to HR.
The boss said I should've gone to HR directly, but since I got him involved he had to take action and asked me to email summary.
I did this, and now I'm not sure WTF will happen.
I know this person didn't do it on purpose...
but dammit...
Why should all of my disability circumstance information be given to a security guard?
Why wouldn't this person offer to just have me sit...
Instead, she started giving me a bit of crap because I wanted to sit down on a chair with arms, instead of a couch where the arms are too far apart for me to use...
Wish me luck...
I guess.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Being upset with a foul mouth like mine can really get you into trouble.
Friday night, Ellie, the Misses & I went to a local food place to eat "in". It's kind of a fast food place, but it makes almost full meals, and you order and bring it home.
I didn't necessarily feel good at first, mostly because it almost always seems that no one can just getup and go out somewhere.
Well at the place we were ordering from, I couldn't really read their freakin' menu and what I ordered was supposed to be "mini" because I wasn't really hungry.
On the way home, Ellie started into her tirade about how my car makes this noise, or that noise and that she didn't think it was safe...
blah
blah
blah
Well, I got pissed when we got home and I left the car telling her that perhaps she should get it fixed and quit complaining about it so much.
Maybe I didn't say it, but I sure as heck thought it.
Well, when we got inside, the kids were trying to distribute the food and I was doing something else.
When I saw the size of the "mini" thing, I got pissed.
I thought Ellie had ordered it and I didn't want anything that big at all!
I tried to cut it in half, then decided I should quarter it.
When I couldn't do it easily I gave up on the thing.
We had been watching the "Heroes" TV series on DVD's recently.
I told them to just start it and that I didn't care.
Ellie started to push me to sit down and watch it, even when I said I didn't care and that they should just watch the shows anyway.
I was tired, but Ellie really cornered me out there in front the Misses and I got mad and told her that I was going to sit here, even though I didn't want to.
Then she went into how I should take a pill...
Well, I got mad and told her that I was OK and to just leave me alone.
So, I sat there and knit a few rows of this nightmare of a project.
Then I got so tired I told her I was going to bed.
I wasn't mad, I wasn't upset...
I was just TIRED.
After all, I haven't slept good in weeks! or more!
Well, I went into the bedroom, laid down.
I woke up on Saturday...
I mean, I woke up only on Saturday morning, and I was still mad about the car.
So we started talking about it.
Now, I had talked to a mechanic several times about it, and it's a noisy power steering pump.
I talked to the mechanics several times.
Ellie just knows that it makes noise and said that the mechanic said it needed to be replaced.
Well, this got to be a "I'm a better expert" or "I know more than you do" conversation... again...
I got mad, and pissed, so I told her if she knew so f-ing much then she should get it fixed.
Well, Ellie flew into a pissed off tirade and said that she should leave.
I told her to go.
I was mad, and she was mad.
I am just mad that she can't just stop and listen sometimes.
Seriously, I know she hears me, but doesn't always listen.
She left, really, really pissed off.
Before she left, I asked her if she was going to wake up the Misses and drive being as pissed off as she was.
She stopped for a second and then left.
I got worried, because she didn't take her phone.
Finally, I looked at the calendar and realized she had a nail appointment around the same time.
Ellie did return home and showed me her nails, but she was still really pissed off.
A bit later, I decided I was going to crawl under the house to spread some insecticide around the kitchen area.
During my crawling endeavour, I hurt my knee several times, banged my head and started to really feel suffocated from all the gear I had on. (Gloves, long sleeved shirt, bandanna around my mouth, etc)
This didn't help anything.
I finally decided after I couldn't really get to where I wanted to get easily, I crawled out.
When I got out, I stepped into the shower full dressed.
I did this because the knee surgery process is highly focused on an almost sterile process before the surgery. I wanted to minimize the amount of "non-normal" dirt in the house.
The shoes got rinsed/washed out well, the socks, long sleeved coat, pants, shirts, etc...
As I did this I tossed them onto floor.
When I was done, and dried, I went into the bathroom, threw them into a hamper and drug it back to the utility room.
Swearing and using the f-word most of the time whenever things really hurt.
When I finally sat down, it hit me that Ellie had been avoiding me, with the exception of any direct questions.
It was shortly after that, when Ellie and I talked about things.
We discussed how the F-word was, really, really bad... and Ellie is VERY offended that it was used towards her.
We talked about the car, which I reminded her was possibly the 4th or 6th time we had this discussion about the car in the last 4 months.
Part of this discussion went into things that we hadn't been doing, which turned out that we're not communicating about very good (figures right?)...
Ellie said that she had to be able to express her feelings or she would feel controlled.
I told her the same thing and that I, more often than not, don't do and usually feel that she never let me do...
She thought about it and I think she did understand that it did happen.
Finally, we got to how I was being cornered the night before about the damn TV show.
She apologized for it.
Then we discussed the Bipolar Disorder problems.
Bipolar is a terrible thing to deal with.
It's not for sissies on either side of it.
You can't be a sissy and suffer with it...
Nor can you be a sissy and be married or involved with a Bipolar person.
If you've been following this blog, you know that I am abhorred by the actions that have happened in the past and even recently because of the problems being bipolar causes.
Ellie thought I was using being Bipolar as an "excuse" for things, but I told her that I don't hide behind it and I really don't think it was fair.
I accept the actions that I took, although I can say that being Bipolar influences a lot of my actions.
I pointed out those journal entries that I recently added to this blog... How I realized the problem was there and I had to do something.
It was a real big problem trying to figure out how to deal with things...
I never tried to hide and excuse my stupid actions as... "I'm sorry, my bipolar made me do that".
Bipolar does affect things and at least these days, I realize that a problem is happening...
Unfortunately I might not realize it right away....
But I AM trying really, really hard to recognize when a problem is happening and to think, why am I doing this?
Am I really justified in my actions and thoughts?
As part of my journal entries, I told Ellie that the pain from those sinus headaches was also a very large problem and influence on my actions.
These days, I rarely get sinus problems, since I started using or have a cool mist humidifier running almost all the time I'm working.
Or I suppose, I am in an an environment with higher humidity.
My intake of pain killers for the sinus pain is almost 0 these days.
I'm very, very excited for this upcoming knee replacement.
It's part of the final steps towards the elimination of my major source of pain.
In short, because I'm rambling on and the ramble is going to be another entry...
I love Ellie!
It's not that we can't disagree.
It's just that I need to keep my dang mouth in check around everyone more often and keep away from the F-Word..
Which is really hard for me whenever I'm under great duress.
The duress/stress/pain only contributes to the problem...
It does not make me use the word.
I'm sorry my dearest Ellie!
I didn't necessarily feel good at first, mostly because it almost always seems that no one can just getup and go out somewhere.
Well at the place we were ordering from, I couldn't really read their freakin' menu and what I ordered was supposed to be "mini" because I wasn't really hungry.
On the way home, Ellie started into her tirade about how my car makes this noise, or that noise and that she didn't think it was safe...
blah
blah
blah
Well, I got pissed when we got home and I left the car telling her that perhaps she should get it fixed and quit complaining about it so much.
Maybe I didn't say it, but I sure as heck thought it.
Well, when we got inside, the kids were trying to distribute the food and I was doing something else.
When I saw the size of the "mini" thing, I got pissed.
I thought Ellie had ordered it and I didn't want anything that big at all!
I tried to cut it in half, then decided I should quarter it.
When I couldn't do it easily I gave up on the thing.
We had been watching the "Heroes" TV series on DVD's recently.
I told them to just start it and that I didn't care.
Ellie started to push me to sit down and watch it, even when I said I didn't care and that they should just watch the shows anyway.
I was tired, but Ellie really cornered me out there in front the Misses and I got mad and told her that I was going to sit here, even though I didn't want to.
Then she went into how I should take a pill...
Well, I got mad and told her that I was OK and to just leave me alone.
So, I sat there and knit a few rows of this nightmare of a project.
Then I got so tired I told her I was going to bed.
I wasn't mad, I wasn't upset...
I was just TIRED.
After all, I haven't slept good in weeks! or more!
Well, I went into the bedroom, laid down.
I woke up on Saturday...
I mean, I woke up only on Saturday morning, and I was still mad about the car.
So we started talking about it.
Now, I had talked to a mechanic several times about it, and it's a noisy power steering pump.
I talked to the mechanics several times.
Ellie just knows that it makes noise and said that the mechanic said it needed to be replaced.
Well, this got to be a "I'm a better expert" or "I know more than you do" conversation... again...
I got mad, and pissed, so I told her if she knew so f-ing much then she should get it fixed.
Well, Ellie flew into a pissed off tirade and said that she should leave.
I told her to go.
I was mad, and she was mad.
I am just mad that she can't just stop and listen sometimes.
Seriously, I know she hears me, but doesn't always listen.
She left, really, really pissed off.
Before she left, I asked her if she was going to wake up the Misses and drive being as pissed off as she was.
She stopped for a second and then left.
I got worried, because she didn't take her phone.
Finally, I looked at the calendar and realized she had a nail appointment around the same time.
Ellie did return home and showed me her nails, but she was still really pissed off.
A bit later, I decided I was going to crawl under the house to spread some insecticide around the kitchen area.
During my crawling endeavour, I hurt my knee several times, banged my head and started to really feel suffocated from all the gear I had on. (Gloves, long sleeved shirt, bandanna around my mouth, etc)
This didn't help anything.
I finally decided after I couldn't really get to where I wanted to get easily, I crawled out.
When I got out, I stepped into the shower full dressed.
I did this because the knee surgery process is highly focused on an almost sterile process before the surgery. I wanted to minimize the amount of "non-normal" dirt in the house.
The shoes got rinsed/washed out well, the socks, long sleeved coat, pants, shirts, etc...
As I did this I tossed them onto floor.
When I was done, and dried, I went into the bathroom, threw them into a hamper and drug it back to the utility room.
Swearing and using the f-word most of the time whenever things really hurt.
When I finally sat down, it hit me that Ellie had been avoiding me, with the exception of any direct questions.
It was shortly after that, when Ellie and I talked about things.
We discussed how the F-word was, really, really bad... and Ellie is VERY offended that it was used towards her.
We talked about the car, which I reminded her was possibly the 4th or 6th time we had this discussion about the car in the last 4 months.
Part of this discussion went into things that we hadn't been doing, which turned out that we're not communicating about very good (figures right?)...
Ellie said that she had to be able to express her feelings or she would feel controlled.
I told her the same thing and that I, more often than not, don't do and usually feel that she never let me do...
She thought about it and I think she did understand that it did happen.
Finally, we got to how I was being cornered the night before about the damn TV show.
She apologized for it.
Then we discussed the Bipolar Disorder problems.
Bipolar is a terrible thing to deal with.
It's not for sissies on either side of it.
You can't be a sissy and suffer with it...
Nor can you be a sissy and be married or involved with a Bipolar person.
If you've been following this blog, you know that I am abhorred by the actions that have happened in the past and even recently because of the problems being bipolar causes.
Ellie thought I was using being Bipolar as an "excuse" for things, but I told her that I don't hide behind it and I really don't think it was fair.
I accept the actions that I took, although I can say that being Bipolar influences a lot of my actions.
I pointed out those journal entries that I recently added to this blog... How I realized the problem was there and I had to do something.
It was a real big problem trying to figure out how to deal with things...
I never tried to hide and excuse my stupid actions as... "I'm sorry, my bipolar made me do that".
Bipolar does affect things and at least these days, I realize that a problem is happening...
Unfortunately I might not realize it right away....
But I AM trying really, really hard to recognize when a problem is happening and to think, why am I doing this?
Am I really justified in my actions and thoughts?
As part of my journal entries, I told Ellie that the pain from those sinus headaches was also a very large problem and influence on my actions.
These days, I rarely get sinus problems, since I started using or have a cool mist humidifier running almost all the time I'm working.
Or I suppose, I am in an an environment with higher humidity.
My intake of pain killers for the sinus pain is almost 0 these days.
I'm very, very excited for this upcoming knee replacement.
It's part of the final steps towards the elimination of my major source of pain.
In short, because I'm rambling on and the ramble is going to be another entry...
I love Ellie!
It's not that we can't disagree.
It's just that I need to keep my dang mouth in check around everyone more often and keep away from the F-Word..
Which is really hard for me whenever I'm under great duress.
The duress/stress/pain only contributes to the problem...
It does not make me use the word.
I'm sorry my dearest Ellie!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Manual Entry - Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Finally sitting down fro a bit. Dammit! I need to get the suit coat done.
Yesterday, I was a bit of a mess. I started OK, but I started to look at what needed to be done and I started to panic. I had almost everything under control except that I didn't know I had an eye exam at 2:15, which is before the girls get out of school.
The doctor office said I could be late, so we arrived @ 2:40. Afterwords we went home to have the kids do homework and ate the left over pizza for dinner.
Today was even crazier, at least I didn't freak out and need to take a Xanax, like Monday before the Dr. appt.
After stopping work, drove kids to school for literacy night, then to dance classes then to church activity.
I took the Dark Tower VII with me and read during dance class and practiced banjo during church activity.
Man, I need to practice playing more. My fingers need the work out.
I haven't taken any Ambien since Sat. night. I don't like to take sleeping aids when home alone with the girls.
Last night or should I say this morning my hips hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep for an hour or two, around 1:00AM.
I should've taken something for pain but, I didn't and I didn't sleep for a bit because it hurt so bad!
Tonight, I'll take something for pain if I need to, but it often wakes me up and I can't sleep anyway, at least the pain will fade faster.
Yesterday, I was a bit of a mess. I started OK, but I started to look at what needed to be done and I started to panic. I had almost everything under control except that I didn't know I had an eye exam at 2:15, which is before the girls get out of school.
The doctor office said I could be late, so we arrived @ 2:40. Afterwords we went home to have the kids do homework and ate the left over pizza for dinner.
Today was even crazier, at least I didn't freak out and need to take a Xanax, like Monday before the Dr. appt.
After stopping work, drove kids to school for literacy night, then to dance classes then to church activity.
I took the Dark Tower VII with me and read during dance class and practiced banjo during church activity.
Man, I need to practice playing more. My fingers need the work out.
I haven't taken any Ambien since Sat. night. I don't like to take sleeping aids when home alone with the girls.
Last night or should I say this morning my hips hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep for an hour or two, around 1:00AM.
I should've taken something for pain but, I didn't and I didn't sleep for a bit because it hurt so bad!
Tonight, I'll take something for pain if I need to, but it often wakes me up and I can't sleep anyway, at least the pain will fade faster.
Manual Entry - Monday, May 7, 2012
Dr. Bxxxx ordered that the Seroquel be stopped. Gave me some Xanax for the pain/anxiety.
I know that I didn't sleep well that night either. My legs & head hurt and the Xanax didn't put me to sleep. I slept for 3-4 hours before getting up and starting work.
We saw Dr. Txxxx on the 3rd. He really only seemed to think that I was depressed after talking to Ellie.
He didn't think much of the Xanax from Dr. Bxxxx, but it did help calm me down. I don't use it much though.
Ellie and the girls left Friday afternoon for their trip.
My Uncle and I watched "War Horse" and I stayed up watching a "House M.D." dvd.
Dr. Txxxxput me on Venlafaxine ER, 75mg. 1 for 3 days then 3 every day/morn.
Weekend w/o Ellie & girls was good. Except that I didn't sleep well Friday night.
Actually, here's what happened Friday:
I got up by 5:30 AM & started work.
I also started process of backing up Ellie's H.D.
I worked till around 9:00AM and felt so tired and didn't really do anything that I went back to bed and slept till 1-3PM.
That night after hours of TV, I couldn't sleep, so I went to work and really got a lot done.
I stopped @ 3:00AM Sat. morn.
Sat. I got up around 8:30AM, cleaned the garage a bit, put up another shelf and organized the tumbler grit.
I also sorted out the tire weights from the local tire company, I got for making bullets.
While doing it I got an idea how to mount my banjo & resonator.
I bought screws for it then felt really tired and took a nap.
When I got up, I started thinking about the banjo and changed my mind again and bought some different screws.
I worked on the banjo till it was done and went to bed around 9:00PM.
Today, Monday, I felt kind of on edge. Not fight or flight or nervous.
Rather, I felt on the verge of crying off and on all day.
I don't know why.
Maybe this Venlafaxine ER. wasn't working yet.
I got a lot of work done, caught up on my documentation for work, despite this problem.
Maybe I should use the Xanax?
For now, I will practice my banjo and rest.
I feel the need to apologize to almost everyone and to hug people.
Even my coworkers.
I don't know why.
I know that I didn't sleep well that night either. My legs & head hurt and the Xanax didn't put me to sleep. I slept for 3-4 hours before getting up and starting work.
We saw Dr. Txxxx on the 3rd. He really only seemed to think that I was depressed after talking to Ellie.
He didn't think much of the Xanax from Dr. Bxxxx, but it did help calm me down. I don't use it much though.
Ellie and the girls left Friday afternoon for their trip.
My Uncle and I watched "War Horse" and I stayed up watching a "House M.D." dvd.
Dr. Txxxxput me on Venlafaxine ER, 75mg. 1 for 3 days then 3 every day/morn.
Weekend w/o Ellie & girls was good. Except that I didn't sleep well Friday night.
Actually, here's what happened Friday:
I got up by 5:30 AM & started work.
I also started process of backing up Ellie's H.D.
I worked till around 9:00AM and felt so tired and didn't really do anything that I went back to bed and slept till 1-3PM.
That night after hours of TV, I couldn't sleep, so I went to work and really got a lot done.
I stopped @ 3:00AM Sat. morn.
Sat. I got up around 8:30AM, cleaned the garage a bit, put up another shelf and organized the tumbler grit.
I also sorted out the tire weights from the local tire company, I got for making bullets.
While doing it I got an idea how to mount my banjo & resonator.
I bought screws for it then felt really tired and took a nap.
When I got up, I started thinking about the banjo and changed my mind again and bought some different screws.
I worked on the banjo till it was done and went to bed around 9:00PM.
Today, Monday, I felt kind of on edge. Not fight or flight or nervous.
Rather, I felt on the verge of crying off and on all day.
I don't know why.
Maybe this Venlafaxine ER. wasn't working yet.
I got a lot of work done, caught up on my documentation for work, despite this problem.
Maybe I should use the Xanax?
For now, I will practice my banjo and rest.
I feel the need to apologize to almost everyone and to hug people.
Even my coworkers.
I don't know why.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Manual Entry - Monday, April 30, 2012
A lot has happened since the last entry.
My eyes are still kind of messed up, but are getting better it seems. I stopped Cymbalta and started into a hypo-manic episode that really kicked off the 23rd.
From waking up Monday through Tuesday around 1:30 Tuesday, I did not sleep.
I did work, from 12:00AM-6:30AM. Afterwords, I laid in bed, watched "Young Guns." Read some books, did a few crosswords and finally took a benadryl and slept for about 3-4 hours.
Tuesday night it happened again, instead of 12:00AM, I started at 11:00PM. Worked till 5:00AM or so.
While I was working, I was working hard. Really hard. Best that I could describe it is as though I was the character "Neo" from "The Matrix", when he realized he could see the code and the make up of everything around him. I too got to a point where the code base & framework that was new to me all made sense.
Weds. morn, after work, I took another benadryl and slept till 3:30PM.
I want to step back a bit, and mention that I started to step back into my mood/nasty state. Ellie and I agreed I needed a change. Dr. Bxxx upped the Gabapentin to 1 capsule twice a day. That was on Tuesday, I think.
Weds. night, I took half an Ambien and waited till close to 1:00 AM before I went out.
Thursday, I awoke OK, got a lot of work done. Noticed that I felt like I was enraged, but I didn't have a cause. I talked Cliff's ear off to/from our banjo class. Not normal talking, but high speed communications.
Since the increase of Gabapentin, I've been waking up early morning, taking a piss & then all but collapsing in bed to sleep again.
Friday morning wasn't much different except I awoke around 1:30AM.
While pissing, my knees buckled. Yes, I was standing and my knees rammed into the sides of the bowl and I collapsed all the way down and laid on my back.
I didn't think that I made much noise, but it got Ellie up. I don't even remember if I finished peeing or not, or if it just ran all over the floor.
Ellie managed to help me to bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. Ellie wanted me to go to the E.R.
I refused, since all I wanted was to sleep.
After a lot of moaning by me and arguing by Ellie, I had her take my B.P. It was very low. 84/52.
At that point, I consented to let Ellie call 911.
The E.M.T. measured by BP too and it was already a bit higher.
Since we paid for Fire-Med, I consented for them to take me to the E.R.
Before leaving the curb, they installed an I.V. line & did an EKG.
While at the E.R.:
Once more, I need to interject a missing tidbit here.
Thursday morning, I got a call in response to a message I left with Dr. Bxxxx on Weds. They suggested & urged me to see a Dr. that day (Thursday).
I saw Dr. Pxxxx, not the one I thought he was, but his brother.
I hashed out what was happening about insomnia, anger/rage, migraines, arthritis, that the brain/head MRI & blood tests were all normal.
SO WTF?
I cussed in front of him, I told him that I was really tired and that my dad was diagnosed as bipolar and I remembered some of his mood swings.
I further explained that I found a woman's bipolar video/youtube Blog and before I really knew it, I watched everyone of her videos and felt connected.
Dr. Pxxxx had been researching on his iPhone and said he agreed with me. He gave me samples of Seroquel.
Told me to keep taking the Gabapentin and take 2 Seroquel a ngiht.
So I did, and now, you have the full insight of what happened before my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.
The rest... WAIT! One more item! I used a few 10mg oxycodone pills Thursday and the last one was around 7:00PM.
The rest of the weekend, I pretty much did nothing else but slept. I did go to church on Sunday and stood when my name was called, to accept a calling as a Ward missionary. I didn't stay to be set apart, because I was tired and not feeling well.
I pulled out the banjo and sat practicing outside in the shade of the apple trees on the garden swing.
It was refreshing and the warm sun, combined with the cool breeze felt akin to heaven.
I took the Seroquel meds, fell asleep a bit after.
Monday I awoke earlier than anticipated, 7:30AM.
I started work around 8:00AM, but couldn't get into it until around 1:00PM.
We got a call from the Dr., about the E.R. visit, and Ellie & I will see him Tuesday morn.
Maybe things are finally working out. I need to tell the Dr. that I haven't had an Allergy shot since, January.
My eyes are still kind of messed up, but are getting better it seems. I stopped Cymbalta and started into a hypo-manic episode that really kicked off the 23rd.
From waking up Monday through Tuesday around 1:30 Tuesday, I did not sleep.
I did work, from 12:00AM-6:30AM. Afterwords, I laid in bed, watched "Young Guns." Read some books, did a few crosswords and finally took a benadryl and slept for about 3-4 hours.
Tuesday night it happened again, instead of 12:00AM, I started at 11:00PM. Worked till 5:00AM or so.
While I was working, I was working hard. Really hard. Best that I could describe it is as though I was the character "Neo" from "The Matrix", when he realized he could see the code and the make up of everything around him. I too got to a point where the code base & framework that was new to me all made sense.
Weds. morn, after work, I took another benadryl and slept till 3:30PM.
I want to step back a bit, and mention that I started to step back into my mood/nasty state. Ellie and I agreed I needed a change. Dr. Bxxx upped the Gabapentin to 1 capsule twice a day. That was on Tuesday, I think.
Weds. night, I took half an Ambien and waited till close to 1:00 AM before I went out.
Thursday, I awoke OK, got a lot of work done. Noticed that I felt like I was enraged, but I didn't have a cause. I talked Cliff's ear off to/from our banjo class. Not normal talking, but high speed communications.
Since the increase of Gabapentin, I've been waking up early morning, taking a piss & then all but collapsing in bed to sleep again.
Friday morning wasn't much different except I awoke around 1:30AM.
While pissing, my knees buckled. Yes, I was standing and my knees rammed into the sides of the bowl and I collapsed all the way down and laid on my back.
I didn't think that I made much noise, but it got Ellie up. I don't even remember if I finished peeing or not, or if it just ran all over the floor.
Ellie managed to help me to bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. Ellie wanted me to go to the E.R.
I refused, since all I wanted was to sleep.
After a lot of moaning by me and arguing by Ellie, I had her take my B.P. It was very low. 84/52.
At that point, I consented to let Ellie call 911.
The E.M.T. measured by BP too and it was already a bit higher.
Since we paid for Fire-Med, I consented for them to take me to the E.R.
Before leaving the curb, they installed an I.V. line & did an EKG.
While at the E.R.:
- I slept a bit.
- Swore/cusses/etc
- Managed to stand & pee again.
- With more swearing, because Ellie was too aggressive with the urinal
- Let them do an EKG, with the more precise machines.
Once more, I need to interject a missing tidbit here.
Thursday morning, I got a call in response to a message I left with Dr. Bxxxx on Weds. They suggested & urged me to see a Dr. that day (Thursday).
I saw Dr. Pxxxx, not the one I thought he was, but his brother.
I hashed out what was happening about insomnia, anger/rage, migraines, arthritis, that the brain/head MRI & blood tests were all normal.
SO WTF?
I cussed in front of him, I told him that I was really tired and that my dad was diagnosed as bipolar and I remembered some of his mood swings.
I further explained that I found a woman's bipolar video/youtube Blog and before I really knew it, I watched everyone of her videos and felt connected.
Dr. Pxxxx had been researching on his iPhone and said he agreed with me. He gave me samples of Seroquel.
Told me to keep taking the Gabapentin and take 2 Seroquel a ngiht.
So I did, and now, you have the full insight of what happened before my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.
The rest... WAIT! One more item! I used a few 10mg oxycodone pills Thursday and the last one was around 7:00PM.
The rest of the weekend, I pretty much did nothing else but slept. I did go to church on Sunday and stood when my name was called, to accept a calling as a Ward missionary. I didn't stay to be set apart, because I was tired and not feeling well.
I pulled out the banjo and sat practicing outside in the shade of the apple trees on the garden swing.
It was refreshing and the warm sun, combined with the cool breeze felt akin to heaven.
I took the Seroquel meds, fell asleep a bit after.
Monday I awoke earlier than anticipated, 7:30AM.
I started work around 8:00AM, but couldn't get into it until around 1:00PM.
We got a call from the Dr., about the E.R. visit, and Ellie & I will see him Tuesday morn.
Maybe things are finally working out. I need to tell the Dr. that I haven't had an Allergy shot since, January.