Being unemployed is a lot of work..

I never wanted to use social media.  I still feel that it exposes you to the world, and then you need to watch what you post and what other people post about you.

Previous to being unemployed, I was almost completely missing, even though I've had a huge presence through my coding and technical documents I wrote for my employer.

Since my name was never published with my technical articles or my applications and utilities, I really don't have any proof for new employers of what I've done.

The source code I wrote for those utilities belongs to my last employer, so I cannot even share it or possibly even use it with a new employer.

So, what do I have to show for my work?

"Hey, I have written lots of technical docs, busted out hundreds of thousands of lines of code... but I can't prove it aside from just saying it."

Kinda fucked up when you're working with the intellectual rights between employers.

Going back to all the work, I spent many hours setting up a Facebook account ot use for promoting my books & stories.

It turned more into a shit fest of: "Oh, look there's my brother... oh look there's my little boy... oh look there's...  Oh, that picture is Awesome!  45 people "liked" your photo(s)..."

So WTF?

Why do I need to be notified that someone liked a picture of my bare ass?

I mean seriously?

Who cares?

I updated my profile photo with a picture taken 5 years ago, and everyone is like, "Wow, that's a great photo.".... and all I want to say is... "yeah it is... All of you have copies of it from the same damn family reunion we were all at!"

Then there's my mom... "I need you to call me..."  "That's a great photo of my "little boy""... Holy shit!  WTF would someone post shit like that to a site where most of that shit is public?


I should post something like, "here's the damn bitchy lady who used to yell at me about how poor my fucking grades were"  OR "Thanks for yelling at us kids for not putting the fucking lights on the Christmas trees correctly, when you wouldn't do it or even show us WTF you wanted done!"  OR  "WTF didn't you get an idea that I was depressed and my grades were bad about it.... Why couldn't you try and help me, instead of yelling at me!?"

Now, enough with bitching about Facebook and the idiots who use it.

Getting back to working hard being unemployed.

I setup a LinkedIn account, and spent several days filling in the various parts of the forms, and employers, and work experience, and projects I worked on, and then "connecting" with all the people I worked with over the years.

Now, the people I connected with are those that I trust.  There are shit loads of others from my last employer that I really, REALLY don't want to be associated with.

Hell most of the people aside from those I actually like are complete assholes!

Some of them are idiots and can't pour water from a boot with instructions on its heel.

A lot of them are heavy drinkers and drug users...  Yet, since this employer didn't do any drug screening, nothing was found, even though they were pretty damn fucked up sometimes.

So, getting back to LinkedIn (again), I think that I am now publicly visible through Google searches... Whoopie fucking deal.

Actually, I did several searches on my first & last name, then first name, middle initial, last name.

I found only "public" phone records, and a reference to my Facebook profile.

Otherwise, I am going to be confused with LOTS of other people with the same name, including several sports stars.

In short, it seems like a lot of fucking work for almost nothing...

Except that I had a great phone interview for an IT position, where the interviewer said she wants to meet with me and their other IT people for a formal interview.

w00t!?

I need the job... but I'm not sure how excited I am yet..

At least today I'm not feeling very excited.

I haven't been sleeping good for a variety of things.. one might be the pain in my legs still... (duh)  Another would be heavy caffeine use from not sleeping... (duh, again)  another could be the drop in pain medication.

The pain I have is being controlled almost completely with Acetaminophen these days instead of the opiods I had been taking.

It's a great thing to be off of them, for the most part... but it's also a possible reason why I'm not sleeping good.. it's allowing the pain to hit me harder at night, when the small doses I took through the day have worn off.

Right now, I am taken less than 1/8th of what I was taking three weeks ago.  In fact, I'm taking less than 1/2 of what I was using last week.

Hell, I'm not even using the muscle relaxers on any sort of regular basis.  I took some last night because I hurt my back on Saturday... and to hope they'd help put me to sleep... (HA!)

I did manage to sleep 4 hours last night, and if it continues with caffeine use the rest of the week... can anyone say... "Welcome to the Himalayas?"  I mean... "Welcome to a good old mania time?"

Oh fucking well.

Must be "that" time again.

Well, maybe not the time you think it is, but perhaps it's the time for the monthly cycle sales...

Oh well.

Ellie has been getting pushed under a lot of stress, again, and she usually freaks out and starts to go totally berserk when this happens.

Don't think I'm over exaggerating, because while I am a little bit, but it's pretty true.

Yesterday, when she got home from work, she said she was absolutely tired and wanted to sleep/nap really badly.

Well, she couldn't.  The Misses are in two different sports right now, so they're on two different practice and game schedules.

So, she couldn't sleep because of that, then she started flipping out on me about something I did on Friday, which I shouldn't have done, but I didn't think anything about it when I did it.

I gave what I thought were a couple of "idle" threats to the physical therapist.  (I said I was going to punch him in the face if he didn't stop something because it was making my pain much much worse.)

What he did to warrant me saying this was that when he kept pushing my leg beyond where I could handle it, even after I said I couldn't do it and that the pain was already beyond what I could handle for the day!

So, on the way home, I got scolded by Ellie like I was 12.  That was not good enough, because she brought it up again yesterday.

Then on top of things again, she brought up, how she can't wait until I was off "the medicine", meaning pain killers.  Ellie said how she didn't want me to find a "new" way or "pain" so that I could keep using them.

You know what, that's a hell of an insult to me.

I'm the one who's cutting back on the pain med usage after the surgery right now, not her.  Not even the doctor is giving me suggestions of how much to cut back to.

When I cut back for about half a day, then I get nailed hard when my body's saturation level depletes and the pain completely hits me again.

Here, Ellie says, "Maybe you shouldn't have cut back so much?"

WTF!?

Ellie suggested that we go and see the marriage counselor again, which I am open to, because the marriage counselor is the same counselor I see in general.

When Ellie said I had to do it, I said that she could call the number on the back of the insurance card because it was the same phone number.

For whatever reason, this made her flip out some more.  "I don't want to do it!" she practically screamed at me.

Now, I wasn't telling her she had to do anything, I was just explaining how I do it.

I think Ellie just needs to see the counselor by herself.  Ellie doesn't handle stress well, and has bad anxiety problems...  Ellie will NEVER admit she has anxiety problems related to stress.  Nor will she ever take medication because of it, because "she's not crazy!"

I guess I'm one loony mother fucker then.

Now, I've been ragging on Ellie for most of this post, and it's only because I'm upset with her.

Mostly, I'm concerned about her more than anything else.

I Love Ellie!

Since I lost my job she's been riding on the edge.

Now going through the healing process of knee replacement has made this edge thinner.

Finally, working, and the kids going to school and sports, has made that edge a virtual piece of hair!

Yesterday, apparently, the thread she had been on snapped.

I love her, and I can't wait until I am recovered from the knee replacements and have another job.

The job can be any sort of hours right now, mostly because I want Ellie to struggle a little bit just for me to be employed.

It would be really good for her to struggle while I'm not at home to hear about it.

I'm sorry to say all of that Ellie.

I really, really love you!

It's been a while, but the new parts are installed. I just need to work 'em out.

Last month I finally had my first knee replacement.

Sounds great right?

It actually was great... but...

Nothing bad happened, just unexpected!

When we arrived to the hospital, the surgeon informed us that he had the parts for the left knee not the right one.

Since I was already scheduled to have both knees done, we changed the paperwork over right then and there to have the left one replaced.

So, how was it?

It wasn't all that bad.

For anesthesia, I went with the spinal block.  What I didn't know about this procedure, was that it requires a urinary catheter.  I don't know if I ever had one in my life.  I mean, I had kidney stones, etc, but... well, nothing that tied my piss production to a bag.

The spinal block went well, and as far as a I can tell was that the catheter was "ok"... rather not a great inconvenience and painful...

That is...

Until the freakin' spinal block wore off.

It went from "OK"
to

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT THINGS HURT LIKE HELL!"
"GET THIS DAMN THING OUT OF MY DICK!"

Unfortunately, they weren't going to take that damn thing out of my piss pipe, so I wound up waiting for IV pain killers to kick in and work, and taking more oral pain killers.

They did use lidocaine or similar surface medication to ease the dick discomfort.

It took almost 30 minutes before it got better.

What I hated was that they were going to leave that freakin' thing in there for more than 24 hours.  I had to threaten pulling it myself for them to get another doctor's approval to remove it sooner.

See, the thing was... I was embarrassed about the presence of the damn thing up my dick, so I didn't really want to get up and walk.

Actually, the pain was pretty fucking significant, so I didn't really want to get up except for those times I needed to pee, which hurt like hell anyway.

Now, I'm not ignorant, nor did I think I was unprepared, but the spinal block, catheter and type of muscle changes along with the intensity of pain really surprised me.

Putting the spinal block and catheter aside, the pain and muscle changes really, really surprised me.

I expected a great deal of pain, but not so bad that I was on almost 4 times the amount of pain killers as I was prior to the surgery.

Even now, just over 3 weeks later, I need to keep a certain level of pain killers in my system to help me to sleep and keep the pain at bay.

The muscle changes, which I was expecting, surprised me.

I knew that the quadricep muscle was going to be cut & resewn together... but what I was not expecting was for it to bundle/bunch up so much that I really couldn't extend my leg very well.  It was bunched up that when I extended the leg, I couldn't straighten it out very good.  It felt like I had a bunch of rubber balls above the knee cap, which were allowing it to flex, but not keep it that way and wants to push right back down.

At this point, the range of motion has greatly improved.

I can almost get it 100% straight and bend it fairly close to the range of the right one.

Not too bad for three weeks.

What I really need to do, is work on the entire knee's muscles groups and stretches.

My knee wants to buckle if I'm not careful and concentrate on what I'm doing.

I'm serious!

I needed to concentrate and the first week and a half I had to literally tell my leg what to do.  "Get up" "Move" "Bend", etc.

What I am currently fighting is lots of muscle pains around the quadricep and down the calves/shins.

Ice doesn't work on the muscles, so I had to buy another 24" heat pad so that I can have it affect the large muscles groups better than the little heat pads Ellie bought several months ago when my original large one died.

The heat is great, usually.

My biggest concern and complaint that's not related directly to the knee is the freakin' foot!

My left foot feels like it's freezing when I have ice on it, and chilled 80% the rest of the time.

Rarely does it ever feel warm or comfortable, unless I'm wearing these fuzzy slipper/bed socks.

Even then, I need to watch out how tight the socks are around my feet.

It's not the whole foot really, it's concentrated across the top of the foot.

Having pain across the top of the foot isn't new to me, but it's not a great feeling when my leg is messed up and I can't keep the foot well supported unless I'm in bed.

I haven't slept in my bed overnight since the first couple of days home from the hospital.

It was just easier at first to sleep next to Ellie, but then it turned out to be very painful, because I couldn't lift my own leg back into bed.  So to the recliner I went.

I'm tired of the freakin' recliner now!

I tried going back to my recliner/couch/etc and it was worse on my legs than the one I've been using.

This morning, just before Physical Therapy, I setup my body pillows the way I normally did.  They kept my leg straight and I was comfortable enough to fall to sleep really well.

I'm going to try sleeping in the bed again tonight.  With my family gone, it'll be easier to do, because I won't have to dodge around the misses in my bed or kick them out of the bed or off the couch, etc.

They've been sleeping around Ellie a lot these days, which I don't care about, but I do care that I can't just pick up and move from place to place to lay down and try relieving the pain better.

Well, this is really long and rambling.

I'm also pretty damn tired.

If it wasn't for watering the garden, I would go to bed right now.

Well, they're gone... again... and the pain...

To start off with, I suppose it's the usual.

My freakin' legs hurt... AGAIN

I had a real hard time sleeping last night.

So much so, that I got up, listened to a radio show or two, while I was doing various word puzzles from a Puzzle Variety book that my uncle left behind.  My uncle bought those damn books by the case.

My pain medication use is skyrocketing right now.

I'm taking them 2-3 at a time right now.

I'm supposed to back off on these meds the month prior to the surgery so that the newer doses of the meds will be more effective.

Shit.. I don't know WTF is going to happen when I get there.

Damn.. I'm almost there already.

Only about 4 weeks before they replace the right knee, then at the end of August the left one will be done.

The last week or two, I've been pushing to get things done.

Like turning the large tree stump in the yard into a planter.

This afternoon, after work, I'm going over to a friend's house so that I can demo what Ubuntu 16 looks like on their daughter's touch screen laptop.

I need to do this, because the fucking Windows 8.x license is stored on a hidden partition of the original hard drive.

but...

The original hard drive froze up.

I mean literally froze up or seized if that's better for you to understand.

The damn thing wouldn't spin up.

I took the drive cover off, and tried to clean it up enough for it to spin, but it was pretty much damn stuck so that the platters & heads wouldn't move.

Since I owe this friend some time & money for some radio equipment, I ordered a new drive, and I will install it when it comes in next week.

I'm so freakin' tired right now, I really want to stop for the day and find out what's up with the car parts I ordered.  I need to replace the back spark plugs on the car, but this requires me to remove the upper intake manifold.

I figured if I took the manifold off and was going to replace the plugs, it would be worth the cost to replace the plug wires too.

As for Ellie and the Misses, they left early this morning for their annual girls club meeting in an adjoining state.

So I'm by myself all weekend.

So far, while I've been working and building/compiling shit, I've gone through my schematics & projects and organized them.

I suppose, I should start another post for what I'm doing with my radio & hobby building shit...

So there I go.

This isn't the first time per se'...

I take some pretty strong pain killers for my arthritis pain.

Today, I was in pain, and feeling a bit down.

So, I took two of my pills at one time, which I've done in the past.

I also took some caffiene which I've done in the past too.

This morning, for some reason I don't understand, I got a buzz.

It was the first time in a year or two that I actually wanted this feeling.

Right now, it does feel good to be in this state.

I am very, very cognitive, and able to write code & this blog.

Why not be like this all time or more often?

Well, while I do enjoy this feeling on occasions, I don't want to make it any sort of habit.

Especially before the knee replacement surgeries.

I don't need my body's pain receptors to become used to the level of medication I've taken today.

Granted, what I took is actually going to be less than I'm going to take after the replacement surgeries.

I dunno.

Perhaps I'm trying to say here, is that while I enjoy it, I don't want to keep doing it on any regular basis.

Follow up from my major melt down a few weeks ago.

It took me a while to really get calmed down, but it happened.

The week or two, I've actually been working!

I know, right? *grunt*
Big miss and one of her friends a few years back said that phrase ALL the time.

This is helpful.

Well, I still fought with this HR chick.

The bossman got on me about getting the forms all filled out.

About the same time as the meltdown, I dusted off the All-In-One Printer/Scanner/Copier/Fax/Cappuccino/Julian Fries machine.

I printed out all the forms needed for the disability request/accommodation and faxed them to the Orge (Shrink), and my PCP.

That Monday after my melt down, the Ogre had an appointment for me to visit him.  He told me to take Zyprexa, which I still haven't done yet.  He also filled out the forms based on our discussion about the questions on the forms.

Those questions on the forms are VERY vague for mental health disabilities.

Actually it's the same form for ALL disabilities.

Last week, I faxed the form from the Ogre to HR the day after he filled it in.

Then I called my PCP and they said they'd get it done.

Turns out, that the FAX # on their site is the wrong one for the Doctor.

I refaxed the document.

Yesterday, they had it ready.

Then, of course, I faxed the forms to HR.

The forms from the PCP said that the need to work from home would is dependent on reducing the pain on my knees.

AKA, if the knees are replaced and therapy is successful, and I'm on MUCH lower or no regular usage of pain killers, then I could work from the Office again.

Which is what I've been hoping for these past 3 years or so.

I had a really, really time sleeping this week so far, and I'm starting to doze off really badly.

I'm going to call this post done and keep trying to work for a few more house.

I have to write this down before I leave.

This last week, I've started to have that fight or flight type of feeling, with my heart racing off/on.  Or at least it feels like it's racing.

It was also because of the depression and anger from my cancel knee replacement.

The last few days, I've taken half of 25mg of Seroquel at night.

I know, I know, I know.

It messes with my blood pressure, but it's the only thing that can calm down what's happening to me.

Today, I'm going out to Ellie's folk's house with the Misses.

Ellie's mom asked for some help with her computer.

Well, I asked for the computer to be here, so that I can backup/image the drive.

Then I could start work on it...

Or

Get it ready to do a system restore, patch & upgrade everything, then restore her individual files.

She didn't want to do that.

She "needed" her data there too much to let me have it.

Well, I'm not certain what's up her butt about it... but there is.

Of course, she's still acting cold towards me...

That is...

Until she needs/wants something from me.

Then she's all buddy/pal/pal with me.

Well, I am still having trouble with the fight or flight problem...

AND

I've had a nasty sinus attack in the last hour.

The last few days I've been battling a nasty cold.

Today, I thought I'd use a sinus rinse with a nose "douche" to wash out my sinuses.

I got a lot of green goo out, but it also triggered my sinus attack.

Just now, I'm starting to feel better, but that's probably from the pain killer I took and the Claritin.

Which means it's more than likely allergy related and not a cold.

Or perhaps it's a sinus infection.

Or perhaps, again, what got washed up into the upper sinuses that's causing the pain finally moved/released/drained/etc.

I just hope that whatever is giving me the fight or flight is calmed down now.

It usually agitates me into an angry state and I tend to lash out.

That and I usually just become the worlds biggest asshole.

God bless, and remember this Easter that Jesus lives!

Manual Entry - Monday, May 7, 2012

Dr. Bxxxx ordered that the Seroquel be stopped.  Gave me some Xanax for the pain/anxiety.

I know that I didn't sleep well that night either.  My legs & head hurt and the Xanax didn't put me to sleep.  I slept for 3-4 hours before getting up and starting work.

We saw Dr. Txxxx on the 3rd.  He really only seemed to think that I was depressed after talking to Ellie.

He didn't think much of the Xanax from Dr. Bxxxx, but it did help calm me down.  I don't use it much though.

Ellie and the girls left Friday afternoon for their trip.

My Uncle and I watched "War Horse" and I stayed up watching a "House M.D." dvd.

Dr. Txxxxput me on Venlafaxine ER, 75mg.  1 for 3 days then 3 every day/morn.

Weekend w/o Ellie & girls was good.  Except that I didn't sleep well Friday night.

Actually, here's what happened Friday:

I got up by 5:30 AM & started work.

I also started process of backing up Ellie's H.D.

I worked till around 9:00AM and felt so tired and didn't really do anything that I went back to bed and slept till 1-3PM.

That night after hours of TV, I couldn't sleep, so I went to work and really got a lot done.

I stopped @ 3:00AM Sat. morn.

Sat. I got up around 8:30AM, cleaned the garage a bit, put up another shelf and organized the tumbler grit.

I also sorted out the tire weights from the local tire company, I got for making bullets.

While doing it I got an idea how to mount my banjo & resonator.

I bought screws for it then felt really tired and took a nap.

When I got up, I started thinking about the banjo and changed my mind again and bought some different screws.

I worked on the banjo till it was done and went to bed around 9:00PM.

Today, Monday, I felt kind of on edge.  Not fight or flight or nervous.

Rather, I felt on the verge of crying off and on all day.

I don't know why.

Maybe this Venlafaxine ER. wasn't working yet.

I got a lot of work done, caught up on my documentation for work, despite this problem.

Maybe I should use the Xanax?

For now, I will practice my banjo and rest.

I feel the need to apologize to almost everyone and to hug people.

Even my coworkers.

I don't know why.

Manual Entry - Monday, April 30, 2012

A lot has happened since the last entry.

My eyes are still kind of messed up, but are getting better it seems.  I stopped Cymbalta and started into a hypo-manic episode that really kicked off the 23rd.

From waking up Monday through Tuesday around 1:30 Tuesday, I did not sleep.

I did work, from 12:00AM-6:30AM.  Afterwords, I laid in bed, watched "Young Guns."  Read some books, did a few crosswords and finally took a benadryl and slept for about 3-4 hours.

Tuesday night it happened again, instead of 12:00AM, I started at 11:00PM.  Worked till 5:00AM or so.

While I was working, I was working hard.  Really hard.  Best that I could describe it is as though I was the character "Neo" from "The Matrix", when he realized he could see the code and the make up of everything around him.  I too got to a point where the code base & framework that was new to me all made sense.

Weds. morn, after work, I took another benadryl and slept till 3:30PM.

I want to step back a bit, and mention that I started to step back into my mood/nasty state.  Ellie and I agreed I needed a change.  Dr. Bxxx upped the Gabapentin to 1 capsule twice a day.  That was on Tuesday, I think.

Weds. night, I took half an Ambien and waited till close to 1:00 AM before I went out.

Thursday, I awoke OK, got a lot of work done.  Noticed that I felt like I was enraged, but I didn't have a cause.  I talked Cliff's ear off to/from our banjo class.  Not normal talking, but high speed communications.

Since the increase of Gabapentin, I've been waking up early morning, taking a piss & then all but collapsing in bed to sleep again.

Friday morning wasn't much different except I awoke around 1:30AM.

While pissing, my knees buckled.  Yes, I was standing and my knees rammed into the sides of the bowl and I collapsed all the way down and laid on my back.

I didn't think that I made much noise, but it got Ellie up.  I don't even remember if I finished peeing or not, or if it just ran all over the floor.

Ellie managed to help me to bed.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  Ellie wanted me to go to the E.R.

I refused, since all I wanted was to sleep.

After a lot of moaning by me and arguing by Ellie, I had her take my B.P.  It was very low. 84/52.

At that point, I consented to let Ellie call 911.

The E.M.T. measured by BP too and it was already a bit higher.

Since we paid for Fire-Med, I consented for them to take me to the E.R.

Before leaving the curb, they installed an I.V. line & did an EKG.

While at the E.R.:

• I slept a bit.
• Swore/cusses/etc
• Managed to stand & pee again.
• With more swearing, because Ellie was too aggressive with the urinal
•  Let them do an EKG, with the more precise machines.

In short, I could've stayed at home and slept really well and not cussed much more.

Once more, I need to interject a missing tidbit here.

Thursday morning, I got a call in response to a message I left with Dr. Bxxxx on Weds.  They suggested & urged me to see a Dr. that day (Thursday).

I saw Dr. Pxxxx, not the one I thought he was, but his brother.

I hashed out what was happening about insomnia, anger/rage, migraines, arthritis, that the brain/head MRI & blood tests were all normal.

SO WTF?

I cussed in front of him, I told him that I was really tired and that my dad was diagnosed as bipolar and I remembered some of his mood swings.

I further explained that I found a woman's bipolar video/youtube Blog and before I really knew it, I watched everyone of her videos and felt connected.

Dr. Pxxxx had been researching on his iPhone and said he agreed with me.  He gave me samples of Seroquel.

Told me to keep taking the Gabapentin and take 2 Seroquel a ngiht.

So I did, and now, you have the full insight of what happened before my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.

The rest... WAIT!  One more item!  I used a few 10mg oxycodone pills Thursday and the last one was around 7:00PM.

The rest of the weekend, I pretty much did nothing else but slept.  I did go to church on Sunday and stood when my name was called, to accept a calling as a Ward missionary.  I didn't stay to be set apart, because I was tired and not feeling well.

I pulled out the banjo and sat practicing outside in the shade of the apple trees on the garden swing.

It was refreshing and the warm sun, combined with the cool breeze felt akin to heaven.

I took the Seroquel meds, fell asleep a bit after.

Monday I awoke earlier than anticipated, 7:30AM.

I started work around 8:00AM, but couldn't get into it until around 1:00PM.

We got a call from the Dr., about the E.R. visit, and Ellie & I will see him Tuesday morn.

Maybe things are finally working out.  I need to tell the Dr. that I haven't had an Allergy shot since, January.

Manual Entry - Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Thursday afternoon, Ellie called the family Dr. and told him about my problems and that I had mentioned taking myself out.

I was still feeling like I was in a fight or flight mode then.

Ellie told him about this and we made an appointment early the next day.

At the appointment, we all agreed that Cymbalta wasn't working well.  The prior day, Weds. I left a message that I felt I was losing my mind and that I didn't want to ER, on this Dr.'s voice message.  The Dr. took most the appointment to explain about the med & apologize even though he never said it.  I could feel he was trying to apologize without saying it out right or maybe he seemed to be begging for forgiveness.

Thursday night, I still attended the banjo class, and part way through, I got a severe urge to leave and I was starting to heat up.  I managed to hang on and enjoyed the class.

I seem to be all over today, but a lot has happened since my last entry.

To sum up the Dr. Appt, the Dr. dropped my Cymbalta dose to 30mg and started me on Gabapentin.  One 300mg capsule at night.

I saw around the day on Friday, and didn't work at all, but I did stitch up a couple of bags out of rabbit fur.  I wanted one to store my finger picks in.

Saturday I felt better but not 100% yet.

I helped Ellie load and unload our trailer with sawdust 6 times.  During this I took a small break to help the missionaries out.

The missionaries' teaching appointment turned out to be a no show though.

Sunday, I was feeling much better and went to church.  Told the Bishop that I'd take the calling to be a Ward Missionary.

Monday, I was working pretty well and got more work done that day than I had in weeks.

Today, I got even more done and for the most part felt pretty darn good.

I haven't showered yet, but that was so that I could start work early today to finish what I started Monday.

The module I had been working on, is all wrapped up except for the data views to be used by Tech Support.

During this time, my head has hurt and I've taken pain meds, but the constant feeling of shit & being fucked up is almost gone now.

-- call and setup appt with Dr. T(asshole shrink)

Manual Entry - Thursday, April 12, 2012

Sometime yesterday around noon I felt accelerated.  I did have some caffeine, but I never had this happen EVER!

I was to keep working until 4:00PM, but I stopped at 1:00PM and laid down until I got my daughters from school.

I tried to work again, but felt really jumpy.  Finally, I stopped, got Ellie alone for a bit and told her about my problem.  She told me to just lay down and try to rest, not even try to read.  So I laid there for almost an hour, I think, and I wasn't sure if I slept or not until close to 6:00pm.

The feeling continued all night.  We went to bed around 10:00pm, but I couldn't sleep.

I put on my headlight and read till close to 1:00AM.  During this time, I felt I could best describe this sensation as "Fight or Flight."

So when I awoke, mostly by Ellie turning on the lights & T.V., I still felt this sensation.

I did shower and shave, and only took 1 Cymbalta.  I want to blame it for my problem.  I really don't have a fucking clue why I feel like this.

I cried a bit up in my  office, but I don't know why.

Right now my head hurts and I'll take a Percocet soon.

I feel like crying and hiding somewhere dark and quiet, but I probably won't today.

I NEED HELP!

“The second pain hit. My wife said ... and STOOD UP in the stirrups, grabbed my bottom lip and said, ‘I want morphine! … “

The title is from "Bill Cosby: Himself (1983)"

I love old Bill Cosby material.

Now, I know he's been in lots of trouble over various accusations of molesting/raping women by drugging them.

Do I know if it's true?

Do I believe it's  true?

I honestly don't care, except to say that he will be judged by God when the time comes.

Where am I going with the quote?

Well, my knees hurt like hell right?

Not last night, but the night before (Tuesday), I took two of my long/continuous pain pills instead of just one.

I slept really good and my knees didn't hardly bother me at all.

Last night, I only took the one pill and I slept pretty well.

In fact, I slept on my side most of the night.

I must've found the "position" that my knees needed to be in so that I could sleep without pain.

Now, I will admit...

I haven't been doing the pre/post op exercises for knee surgery the past few days.

When I do the exercises my knees hurt REALLY bad.

Get the idea?

The exercises make the pain worse!

If it wasn't for the need of those exercises, I wouldn't do them.

Was it really mania driving it or was the recent slow down another problem?

Ellie and I were intimating really frequently for several weeks.

The last few days, prior to last night, we slowed down for several reasons.

We were both really tired so we needed to sleep.

I needed to spend time with the Misses, because I hadn't been spending very much Daddy/Daughter time with them.

Yesterday I started worrying that it was due to a manic state...

I didn't want it to be from a manic state!

Dammit, I enjoy the activity with Ellie!

Yesterday, I was experiencing some pretty frequent urination.

So much that I had gone a little bit about 6 times in an hour.

After a bit of research, I realized that it was due to constipation.

With the pain in my knee sky-rocketing, I was using my pain medication very heavily over the past 3-4 days.

I also realized that I hadn't been eating the amount of fruit and vegetables that I was eating.

Yesterday afternoon, I started eating more potent fruit, juice and had some "poo potion".(MiraLax)

When Ellie returned home from work and picking up the girls, we made out for a bit and things moved.

Between the time she finished her exercise class and she returned from her meeting last night, the aforementioned "stimulus" worked and I was feeling better and the frequent piss pauses disappeared.

While we laid there, thinking that we were winding down, things wound up.

Needless to say, things happened.

The only problem, was that later on when she was asleep, the damn knee pain in the left one really nailed me hard again.

It was so bad, that I got up and took a couple of my break through pain pills.

Am I sorry because my knees hurt later on?

Hell no!

w00t!?

Today, the orthopedic surgeon said that he would replace the knees.

Start with the left knee since that's the one that's the most painful.

I'm worried though, that I'm being perceived as a drug addict because I need so much of the opioid types of drugs to keep the pain in check.

When I use NSAIDS, I pee blood!

So, just about all anti-inflammatory drugs are out of the question, which is what they normally recommend for arthritis.

Not even the damn cortisone injects are good.

They only work for a few days or week or two, then I'm back to being FUBAR.

Shit, it just hurts so badly.

I've been having lots of good time with Ellie.

Last night, we had to cut things off quickly because my damn left knee hurt so badly.

I exercise my knees as best as I can...

It's still not good enough.

The damn fuckers just hurt really badly.

Today, I told the surgeon that I know that I can make a tourniquet quickly, and I know how to sharpen my tools if things got really badly.

Rather than say I would do it, it crosses my mind on more than one occasion.

It just fucking hurts and if the damn things didn't exist, then I wouldn't have to worry about them.

I also told him that my mood goes into very depressive states because of how bad things hurt and the lack of getting them fixed and the possibility of getting my pain handling taken away. (Medications)

So, I'm really, really glad that he will replace the left one at first.

I hope that by the time that I'm ready for the left one, that the right one hurts as badly so that he'll replace that one ASAP too.

Fuck, it just hurts and I'm tired.

At least I can hold on knowing there's a true end in sight.

I love Ellie! General bitching, and WTF is a post from June 2015 so popular?

Last night Ellie and I had a bit of a tiff.

Nothing bad.

No yelling, screaming, nor anything that I hear from others who argue.

I made dinner for the Misses and myself.

It was sausage gravy with mashed potatoes, beets for Big Miss, Ellie and myself.  Little Miss doesn't like beets, so I was expecting her to eat spinach, which she loves.

Well, Ellie's targeted diet is towards vegetarian/vegan.

She didn't want to eat the food with the rest of us, because of the meat...

But...

Instead she pulled out these yummy pasta shells & cheese from Schwans.

They're full of cheese/dairy and fat.

Cooked them all and was about to eat them all.

I got pissed and told her that I was confused that she was being a hypocrite in her diet...

She'd eat the dairy/cheese/fat like that, but wouldn't eat the food with minimal amounts of dairy/fat/meat.

The ratio of sausage to the rest of the food was very little.

We got into the discussion of how to adapt the diet she's targeting with the diet the rest of us are eating.

It's important that we share and plan out our meals so that we can satisfy everyone without going back to a diet with very little veggies and fiber.

So, we got a vegetable soup all made up and into the crock-pot, which I turned on this morning after adding some Quinoa to it.

Last night, Ellie and I skipped our new regular "intellectual discussions", because it was getting late...

Unfortunately, it turned to the pain in my knees because it hurt like hell trying to sleep.

Our encounters help, because I participate heavily despite the knee pain.

It seems the endorphin's & what not really help to deal with the pain during and last for a while after.

The pain though is really bad, and I started into my blue funk state because it hurts no matter how I lay on it.

Rather, I can lay on my back without too much pain, but when I need to move, it really, really hurts.

It feels like ground hamburger in there with 3/4 minus gravel mixed in.

When moving the knee, it grinds the gravel further into the hamburger of the knee joint & bones, and hurts something awful.

I complained that there wasn't anything else that modern medicine could do, because I've done it all.

1. I lost weight.
1. Almost 50 pounds from my heaviest a few years ago.
2. Another 20 pounds since October.
2. I exercise the knee.
1. I use a small exercise ball and resistance band.
2. I continue to walk when it's not too awful, which is still an 8+ on the pain scale.
3. I cannot take NSAIDs.
1. I pee blood.
2. They cause me diarrhea. 
3. They contribute to my kidney stones
4. I have done cortisone injects.
1. Done in both knees multiple times.
2. Had it in my hips just before Christmas without success.
5. My use of opiods for pain only masks the pain.
6. Knee braces don't help, because they cannot change the pain caused by just the movement of the knee.
7. The left knee is the one that feels like gravel infused hamburger.
8. My right catches and pops with almost every step.
1. The catching gets worse the more I walk.
2. The pain also gets worse the more I walk.

I used to only take 1 of my "breakthrough" pain pills a day or less.

This lead me to a large reserve. (Almost 2 months extra!)

Recently, because of my pain severity, I've been using all 3 of my allotted "breakthrough" pills a day.

Even worse, I've started to use more than the 3.

Earlier this year, I was able lower my need for the buffered pain medication, so that I had almost a month and a half extra.

I had to start using 3 of those a day instead of my normal morning/night use. (12 hour difference.)

Where is this leading with my love for Ellie?

She's my strength and anchor in life, and really understands that I am not an addict with my pain medications.

Ellie was able to help calm me down and settle the depression funk I dropped into last night because the doctors usually treat me the same... "Pat me on the head and give me another supply of prescriptions for these "hard" pain medications. Then follow up with 'sorry...'"


Now to the June 3, 2015 post..

The title of it is "and if I get melancholy, which can happen, I expect you to be my companion and solace me."

Now that I look at the content of that post, I'm not certain if it's the title or the content.

You'll just have to read it to see if it's that intriguing. (http://jaredstrider.blogspot.com/2015/06/and-if-i-get-melancholy-which-can.html)

Are you Kidney Stoning me!?

Yes, it seems it's time for another kidney stone!

Can I hear a "OH HOLY SHIT THIS MIGHT REALLY HURT!?"

Actually, I started noticing my symptoms last week.

First comes additional swelling and water retention.

Next comes the sensation of having your testicles squeezed by some invisible vice grips.

Following that comes the bloody urine and sensation that you have gravel up your piss pipe.

This time the pain is very minimal compared to the large kidney stones I had last year.

It feels like this time around there might only be one kidney stone and it's small.

I don't feel like it's in the kidney anymore and it's probably somewhere on it's way to the bladder or there already.

It's just a matter of drinking more water and increasing the amount of citric acid in my diet.

Citric acid comes in all sorts of things.

Citrus fruits (lemons, limes, oranges, etc.), different instant drink packages you put into your water bottle, and various vitamin/food supplements.

The urologists suggest Potassium Citrate.

I hadn't been taking my Potassium Citrate for a while, and a few weeks back I started eating roasted salted peanuts with candy corn. (Pretty good if you've never tried it).

Peanuts aren't good for people with Kidney stone problems.

At least I found that salted & roasted peanuts are the worst for me.

I wish Ellie hadn't of bought the peanuts in the first place.

Ah well...

I'm just going to keep drinking lots of water, and trying to piss this think out.

I have made my decision about the legalization and use.

What I write here is of myself from my own personal revelation and not by any of the Church Authorities, Presidency or the Prophet of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints".

I live in one many of the States in the the U.S. that has legalized Marijuana (Pot, ganga, etc. etc.)

Many times in my blog and thoughts, I have mentioned that I would have used "weed".

In my life I have seen lots of people smoke bongs, pipes and joints of marijuana.

Even as recent as last month, although not by choice.  This individual just grabbed his joint and lit up when we went into his workshop to get parts.

As a member of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints", I try to abide by the "Word of Wisdom" and abstain from Alcohol, Tobacco and other various drugs.

Although the Word of Wisdom contains more "Do's" than "Don't's".

Over the years since the Word of Wisdom revelation was given, other drugs and substances have emerged that aren't specifically named or under the general items listed.

Prescription medications, social narcotics, etc. aren't listed.

Since those aren't specifically named, are they OK to use at all?

In general it is accepted that medication administrated under the care of a trained physician is OK.

Of course, it is up to the individual under the physician's care to abide by the administered doses and instructions.

In some places Marijuana is listed as "medical" is it OK?

Each individual in life is given freedom.

The right to choose.

Their own ability to choose right from wrong based on their own conscience.

I've thought long and hard about my potential use of this substance.

Of those who smoke it, their number one concern is the possibility of developing lung cancer.

While its benefits might aid my medical needs, I don't believe that its benefits and long time effects will actually do me any good.

Even if I consume it orally instead of smoking it.

In short, I have made my personal decision to not utilize this substance no matter what.

Now that I have made my decision, it should be easier to say no when I am offered to partake of it.

I guess I shouldn't bitch about the pain anymore, no matter how bad it hurts.

I got up and during the first morning discussion with Ellie, I said that again, I didn't sleep because the pain in my sinuses kept me awake.

Although, Friday & Saturday night I started getting the inklings of another one of these sinus irritation attacks.  Right there and then I decided to use Afrin and I slept really, really, REALLY good for the first time in almost two months.

Last night I wasn't so lucky and not only were my sinuses jacked up, my left knee wouldn't bend correctly and felt like it was locking up every time I went to bend the fucker.

During this discussion, pills came up again, as Ellie tried to fix things that she has no knowledge of.  I mean, she knows about it, she knows that I've seen doctors about these problems.  She's just forgotten that I have all of the solutions that are possible.

So, with the pill discussion I thought she brought up the fact that my pain pills were a factor and that I use them too much...

That's one argument that I'm so tired of that I got pissed and I found all of the bottles I have of pain pills and dropped all the bottles in the sink for her to take away like a good mommy.

She got pissed and then went into the tirade that I might become addicted to it, despite that I've been using these pills for many, many years.  Ellie also doesn't realize that I have extra pills every month because I don't use the full prescribed dose.

I don't always need the pain pills so I don't use them unless I need to.
I guess that makes me a fucking addict, right?

Thank goodness the school year has started and she's working again!

Well, when she went to work we hugged and I told her that if the pain would just go away, I'd never take anything ever again, not even Tylenol!

I never asked for this pain and don't wish it on anyone!
It's fucking miserable!

No tooth, no tooth ache... right? (uh!)

Ok, that "(uh!)" is for Big Miss; however, I put it into the wrong phrasing though.

It's supposed to be

I know...
Right?
Uh!

Eh... middle school kids.

I had one of my molars pulled on Friday afternoon, which was fine by me, however, it's become a problem now.

The damn jaw is swollen and hurts REALLY badly.

Thus the title of this post..

No tooth, no tooth ache...
Right?

I suppose, it's not a tooth ache, but rather a

"HOLY SHIT!
My Jaw aches!"

With my dental problems, I don't blame the dentist or anyone else, except for possible genetic markers passed on by my ancestors. (Damn old & dead bastards!)

The real problem is my own lack of oral hygiene.
Or would that be, "Hi, Jean!"?  I don't know her, but ... well.. I'll stop and you can imagine all you want, you perverts!

 I decided to go with the extractions of several teeth because in the long run they're going to be cheaper than doing root canals again and possibly more crowns.

One of the things I'm realizing more and more in my aging Bipolar-ness, is that I don't always care for myself as much as a should.

See previous posts about showering.

Actually, I did search through my posts and realized I never posted anything about my occasional showering habits.. or lack of it.
I'll create a post about that sometime soon then.

 Getting tooth the matter at hand...

I don't always brush my teeth, which often bugs the hell out of Ellie, but I think she's realizing just as I have, that it's not always easy to want to take care of yourself if you're not feeling like yourself. (I don't know how that's logical, but I've read it more times than I can remember...)

At this time, I'm just waiting for the Pharmacy to to fill the antibiotic prescription the Dentist called in, because the fucking jaw hurts so badly.

In fact, it hurt so bad yesterday that I took a single ibuprofen yesterday, which helped a lot....

Butt
(That's one big butt!)

If you don't remember, or don't give a shit about reading my past posts, I usually pee blood when I use NSAIDs.

This will eventually lead to kidney stones, and the most likely problems with gout.

Well, I decided it was worth a one time risk.

I don't know if that was blood I saw this morning or just darker pee, but things were a tad different...

All I can do is pray to God that I can get relief without causing myself additional problems.

"No dairy? But I LOVE dairy! Does that mean I can't be a vegan?"

Freddy the Ferret said that in Barnyard.

Today I'm going in to see the Ogre.

At first, my thought for the title of today's post was going to be something from Alice in Wonderland, referencing to the shrinking potions. (See the next post for my analysis and results of this search.)

Since I don't partake of alcohol, I was going to put something together along the lines

Bottle Label: Drink to shrink
Me: I don't drink.  Does that mean I can't be shrunk?

Of course, being a fan of animated movies, especially Barnyard, naturally I thought about Freddy the Ferret.

It's been really hot for the last week and it looks like it's going to continue, but not as bad as originally forecast.

I don't do well in the heat unless there is a good breeze/wind blowing to keep the sweat from accumulating as pools and swamps in my body's crevices.

Right now, I'm still wondering if I can actually find a towel that can dry my butt crack out enough for it to actually be dry.

Strange enough about that image, is where I live, it's either a nice spring/fall weather, or it's raining/overcast.

You'd think I'd have the same quest all year round, but alas.

When it's damp & cold, I don't sweat much and thus, my nooks and crannies stay dry.

Well, I really need to get shoes, socks, shirt on to go into the shrink's office.

I think he'll be a bit disappointed/pissed that I stopped the Seroquel without telling him.