Up in the sky is it a bird? a plane? it's .... boomerang!

The pattern that I manually copied to a largish piece of wood failed me...

So for kicks this morning, I took the printed pattern, I don't know if it was to scale or not, cut it out with a pair of scissors and transferred it to some quarter inch paneling material.

Took me maybe ten minutes at the jigsaw to cut them out, as I traced out two on a 7"x7" board, then another ten minutes or so at the drill press with a sanding drum... Voila! Presto! I was ready to go again...

Loaded the kids up, drove to the corner park to test them out.

I threw the first one and it looked like it did 100 yard diameter pattern/ flight path and landed pretty darn close to us.

Same thing for the second one.

I told the girls they each get one after I trace out the pattern onto a template board for easier replication.

It was very cool to see them fly.

Ok good feeling gone... -Marlin

Just after five am now and my face hurts like hell.

It's sinus congestion, probably from when I showed my daughter how to properly mow...

I have a grass allergy which doesn't usually bug me.... but I guess it does now... my eyes are even itchy...

I just took some Claratin and I think I'll have it under control soon... and some ice cream and a pain pill.

The weather has been amazing recently and I love it.

I hope it sticks around through Easter.

Pain sucks... not as bad as depression pain... but it still sucks.

I'm really tempted to cut or lance mu bakers cyst... My right knee has really been painful for a while now.

I even started using my cane again... I'd almost go legless than deal with the pain in my knees..

Well, I feel really tired now so I'm headed back to bed...

How to follow up on my previous posts today...

See, what I'm having trouble with is that earlier felt like a gift that might be smeared by the previous attitudes and posts.

I suppose I can get back to my original post style by updating my diet habits...

I wasn't eating well... Not in regards to ice cream... But not enough good foods.

Now I'm eating one or two hard boiled eggs every day and using this fiber supplement I found at Wal-mart

This, in the last two days has allowed me to become regular and shed the water retention I had in my legs and hands.

My legs are still a bit swollen but not too bad...

I finished the Sherlock Holmes book I'd been working on for a while.

Over all, I'm not that impressed by the stories... very bland.

I did finally make a boomerang prototype. After a few throws I realized it was too heavy to fly well. I have some quarter inch paneling I will try next...

I'll never give up till I get one working...

That's all I have to say about that.

I feel at peace... Real peace.

Months ago, and maybe even recently on this blog, I complained that I never felt at peace.

Akin to tossing and turning in a bed, trying to get back to the sleep which keeps alluding you.

I really, really feel peaceful.

Perhaps it has to do with Good Friday?

Perhaps it's that I took time to think and reminiscence about the Crucifixion.

Months ago, I shed tears and argued with God regarding my misery, while listening to the "Bar J Wranglers" singing "Come Unto Me".

This peace is just more than feeling calm, it's very euphoric, and pleasant.

It is very hard to work because I really want to just sit down outside on the porch and enjoy the sunshine for a while with my eyes closed.  I wouldn't fall asleep, I just can't describe it any further.

Perhaps it is like unto the Gospels in the New Testament.  I believe they all describe the crucifixion as "They Crucified Him"...

I just feel peaceful, calm and I don't want to leave this state... I'd even walk on my bad knees to get somewhere to keep this feeling... Like following the shadows on the ground from clouds, or perhaps, trying to hop into the rays of sunshine through those same clouds.

While sitting here, I realized that it's more like chasing butterflies... You've shut out everything around you, and there's only you and the butterfly you're chasing...  You cross creeks, side walks, streets, just to continue to behold this tiny fluttering creature moving through the air.  Perhaps you want to catch it, to touch its delicate wings...  The sun shines down at you, bringing its own calming influence into your face and warms your skin.  You know that God lives and you want to continue to be with him in this small span of time while this little butterfly continues to flap and float...

God Bless...

Is it a "Good Friday"?

I wasn't raised as a Catholic, I was raised as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, so I never understood the purpose of "Good Friday".

Even now, I don't understand the purpose of it, but I have started my own tradition recently.

Many years ago, it was a joke between friends & brothers that "Good Friday" wasn't that good for Jesus.. He got killed...

Even reading that line above now, brings me to a different mindset and feeling.

Jesus had been sentenced to death by crucifixion!  A death sentence that's more of a torture test for anyone who's healthy and strong.  Imagine getting those large nails/spike driven through your hands, wrists and feet.

Today, I am still a "Mormon" and I hate that word.  The term "Mormon" comes from "The Book of Mormon".  I hate that word because it's thrown around as a slur against members of my religion.

So, going back to my observance of Easter and when it really made a large difference to me.

Some 13-14 years ago, I joined a choir at church and we sang Christmas hymns.  We had fun and then did quite a number of hymns for Easter, several months later.

While we were practicing, our choir director had mentioned that she reads of the Crucifixion each year from the New Testament, from each of the Gospels. (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John)

To date, I haven't done this yet, and I am trying to do it through this year, with concerted effort.


I recorded the live show of our concert, and listen to it during my work day.  Last year, I added Glenn Beck's Easter program where he, in his own way, details the last days of our Savoir.

Knowing that God is Jesus's Father, I wonder how, as a father, God dealt with watching His Son being crucified?

Did He sit there in angst and pain watching people mocking, hitting and spitting on His Son?

Do you think that perhaps He might want to reach out and send His angels down to save His Son from the torture of Crucifixion?

As a father myself, I have a hard time watching my own children getting hurt and going through pains.  Unlike God at that time, I can reach out and grab them, lift them up and out of danger and ease their pains.

If my children get hurt, I can give them a bandage or Tylenol.

I know that my above questions and thoughts might invite controversy, but rather I want to have any of the questions I post here to be rhetorical.  I want to have my questions invite you to question your own feelings of life and perceptions of the Crucifixion of Jesus, who is Christ, the Savior of mankind.

God Bless you this Easter season, and may you take some time to enjoy these thoughts.

Uncle update...

I went over about 8:45 AM to my uncle's assisted living facility.

Met with some of the therapists and one of them suggested that perhaps it's time for him to stop the chemo and go for being comfortable during the final days.

My wife is actually the power of attorney for my uncle. We don't know why he did that, but she is more compassionate than I am. Unless he's pissed her off. Then I'm more compassionate.

Overall, he's a very good guy, but when he's not feeling well, I don't think he likes the way females talk to him and present themselves to him. (In my own personal dictionary, "blowing sunshine up a person's ass, in the face of danger".)

I on the other hand, would rather deal with a female than a male as long as the woman doesn't get too pissed with my cursing.

Whilst typing up this entry, my uncle called me to confirm, again, that I am picking him up around 1:00 PM. today.

It is a good thing that I woke up around 4:00 AM, started at 4:30 AM, and will stop around 12:45 PM.

Pretty darn close to 8 hours or so of work.

For the appointment I took him to at 9:00 AM, we saw his doctor, who agreed that his mental state/delusions were caused by the Adavan, and took him off of that drug and put him on another one.

Also increased his usage/schedule of Milk of Magnesia. He's on some pretty tough opioids, which gives him a hell of a tough shit.

Perhaps, the toilet paper brand should be John Wayne Toilet Paper... You know.. It's rough, tough and doesn't take any shit from any man.

I suppose I could start writing commercials again... Goofy ones, I used to do that with friends while in the 9th grade, and it was a blast.  We even had a printed magazine we wrote up and passed around the school.  Although, these days, the magazine would be considered very racist and improper... Despite that the jokes were written by an individual of each ethnicity...  It was fair as far as we saw it.  Anyhow, we had a blast doing it.

Luckily for me, I remembered to buy some damn ice cream on the way home... My headache could've and should've been different if I had the ice cream... I don't know why, but I think the milk or other stuff in the ice cream helps, not just being cold alone.  This will remain a mystery...

Speaking of ice cream, I'm going to stop and get some.

 Hasta La Vista, Baby

The early bird can keep the worm...

Seems like I was just doing this a few hours ago...

Whoa, I just looked and I was!

What a Deja Vu moment!

I was originally planning on taking the day off after my early morning meeting with my fellow developers at work. Nah uh... I might be a bit manic, but my head hurts like hell and I'm still out of ICE CREAM!

So, I'm doing what I usually do in this type of state... I go to work.

Today's going to be a very long day.

After my meeting @ 7:00 AM, I am taking my uncle to see his General Practitioner Doctor to review his meds, then around 1:00 PM we leave for an appointment with his cancer Doctor & Chemo therapy.

So, wish me luck, and I hope I can get rid of this freakin' headache... I took an Aleve after posting my last entry, so I'm just kinda screwed. It's an NSAID class of drug, which usually gives me bad diarrhea and eventually kidney stones if I keep taking NSAIDs. Basically dehydrating myself.

BTW, it's interesting that according to the blog stats, there are more Germans who are reading my blogs than people in the US.

If you're one of the readers, post me a comment. I interact with Logan a few times a week.

Check out his blog, while I'm a recently diagnosed bipolar dude, Logan's been dealing with it for much, much, much longer.

Second verse same as the first... Oh I'm .....

'enry the eighth I am I am....

My head hurts, it's almost 1;30 in the morning and I don't know if I should stay up or try to go back to sleep.

One damn thing is for certain...I'm out of ice cream!!!

I'm certain that Shakespeare could write one hell of a tragedy about my life with headaches and being out of ice cream.

We have fudgecicles and orange cream bars... But it's awfully damn hard to get the cold to the right spot when it's on a stick.

I think it's time for the O2.. or I can keep taking pain killers.. oy vey!

Whilst I'm here and awake, I just as well post an uncle update.

Tuesday I drove him to the VA in our area about 50 miles south of where we live. Not a bad drive, and for government institution things went just perfectly! Hardly and waiting!

Weds. afternoon his in home physical therapist left us a message that he basically wanted to just up and die..

I went to visit him... His behavior recently suggests that the adavan (?) is making him loopy as hell. This is the same drug that messed him up in January while he was in the hospital for several days.

Now if he wants to stop the chemo, he can do that... It's his right to stop it..

I'd rather have his mental state better off than it is when decides to stop... This is getting harder for me to cope with than I expected... I'm not super close to him but dammit he's family and we stick together.

I have a meeting for work in a few hours and I didn't request today off... yet. I need the sleep but I also don't need to miss any meetings.

in the words of Mork from Ork.... Na nu na nu.

I'll get to it... Sometime...

So I'm pretty tired feeling today..

Slowly coming to a full alertness.

My wife's out picking up the kids from her parents' house.

They spent the first few days of spring break with them.

I got my new cube/toy in. It is 12 sided with letters QJ in the middle of the white side... I've almost solved it but one side now.

In multiple ways its like a Rubik's cube, and solves as one. so far.

I cut a largish thunder egg in quarters for someone now I need to polish it... I'll do it soon, I have another set of cube/puzzles coming in today and the postman should be here soon... perhaps after he's stopped by.

Just follow your nose...

I like the analytics of this blog system..

I've seen where people from Germany have outnumbered my American brothers and sisters... Korean, italians and others seemed to have found me too.

One thing seems apparent to me, that I have at least two regular readers, based on the numbers next to the posts.

Kind of seems like I took a step backwards in popularity from my YouTube channel...

Good thing I was never good at being popular.

Right now, I'm wide awake and it's about a quarter past three a.m.

I need to sleep more because I need to drive and deal with my uncle in another three hours.

Good thing for Xanax then. It should make me a bit tired and knock me out without making me dopey...

Why is it always the rum??? - Jack Sparrow

It feels like I am always the one who has to play doctor/mechanic/technical support each time I sit down at a non-work computer to do anything.

Hours ago, I wanted to sit down and do what I'm doing now. Guess what? The frickin' firewall was down.

After much swearing, yelling and general fits of raging anger, I'm obviously online again.

My kids freaked out the other day when this type of thing happened in front of them.

I wasn't mad at anyone that day... I was just mad.

I don't understand why this happens, or how to control my anger fits, because I can't just stop being angry. I just am.

It's probably this fucking bipolar problem that I'm dealing with or another bout of depression.

I'm not depressed, I'm just pissed.

I haven't really done anything today that I wanted, except to use marine epoxy on the shower stall to fix a large-ish hole that had been created from water on the decrepit old shower stall walls.

Now I'm on the phone with my uncle, and I'm trying really hard to get him to listen without being really, really pissed off with him or shouting at him.

He cannot seem to get his mind wrapped around what is going on enough to understand what I tell him on the phone. So he handed the phone off to a gal at his assisted living facility who handles the scheduling. Thank Goodness!

So, I chatted with this gal and told her that if he was awake and ready @ 6:30 AM, I'd be there pretty close to that time to pick him up and drive the 50 miles or so to the VA hospital.

Then from there, I'm sure I'll be reading the Kindle, drawing, sleeping or possibly going to the local mall to bum around for a few hours.

Well, at least right now, I'm not feeling so pissed anymore.

Perhaps, I needed to take a break and chat with him, because, I just cannot really stay mad when I think about working and helping him.

Perhaps, my heavenly Father is helping me by putting my uncle in the way at times.

Scripture Challenge...

This is in no way a challenge to any form of debate on religion or beliefs.

It is a challenge to read whatever you call Scripture.

For me, reading scripture is very important. I know that there are others who have started reading their scriptures and have began to feel the renewal of their spirits.

It doesn't matter what faith or church you attend as long as you read and contemplate their meaning.

This, I suppose, would be a form of targeted meditation.

This process has been very helpful recently, when I've had trouble sleeping or in an angry state.

Thanks to a friend, Ken, I am almost through the book of Matthew in the New Testament. I hope to be able to catch up to him soon.

She's thinking about taking down her channel!!

About this time last year, I "accidentally" stumbled upon a YouTube Vlog. (I believe I covered the name & link to her channel)

This person has posted that she's going to consider stopping her bipolar blog.

For me, this is sad, as I was helped the most by watching ALL of her videos.

Her reason is what I would consider understandable.

It's evolved from being a place to record her thoughts on having bipolar to just other things that perhaps she wouldn't normally want to share.

The main reason why I pulled my videos down is that I didn't want a facial recognition going.

Not in a law enforcement way, but in the manner that I didn't want to be walking through the mall and someone to point and go, "Oh hey! dude! You are so fucked up!!!".

That and I don't want to link my bipolar rants/raves & problems to my personal/real life.

I mean, what I type and log here are real life for me, and I only change/omit some info to keep from being identified by the average online Joe...

It's a nice day outside and I think I want to go to the park and try flying a kite.

When I start my boomerang building, I'll post more info on those when I get going.

Another bad headache attack...

It almost 3:00 am... I woke up around 2:30 ish swith ad sinus pressure.

I only had two scoops of ice cream this time and the pain is almost gone.

Now I'm blogging from the crapper.

Just what a devixe like a Kindle was made for, right???

I'm tired and have been swallowing a lot of phlegm. "tastes like chicken"

It's hard to figure out a good way to make sure that the phlegm is thin and goes down easy.

Yesterday, the.kids and I noticed a new shop on the way to Wal-Mart. Nice little store with furniture and what not. I saw several acoustic guitars there. After getting mmy wife we went back and boght one with an almost new hard case.

It was missing the higher E string, but the tone quality was amazing. I thought I was in luck... There were some plastic strings in the case... I can tell you that thoss type strings really suck when compared to the usual steel/brass one.

I'll get more new ones when I get a chance to get into the larger city close by. My little city doesn't have any music supply stores.

Well it feels like I.have a ring mark on.my.ass. Im done.

Oh what a beautiful .... ouch that hurts!!!

Today is a day off for me... Things did start off good...
But...

Well, one kid was in the shower.. So I had to wait over half an hour for warm water...

Then either I was heading toward a fubar state or my wife transfered her ire/pissed state to me.

I took a Xanax.. I started swearing more than I was used to. Really bad swearing.. f-bombs and the whole shebang..

Some would say that's ok... but it's not ok that it happens in front of my kids!!!

I guess this is part of my manic state... Hell if I really know.

Xanax seeMs to be helping but the one pill might not be enough... I'm cleared to take more...I think I'll take another... Just.for the family... by myself, I wouldn't give a shit if I felt like this. If a friend stopped by well.. He'd get both barrels of ire and swearing.

I did tell my wife not to take it personal and that I'm not mad at anyone due to anything... just angry.

Shit.. I forgot why I said ouch... I was using a small cycling machine for my knees when the let one.just started.to hurt awfully bad.

I'm icing it and I took something for.pain

I'm starting to feel better now..

WTF!? Dude is casually working with a ton of cobras!

WTF!? is absolutely required here...

This one guy is going through a pit full of cobras and picking through them like people pick through lingerie on a table at the department stores!

Ra da da da da da da da...

I thought that Zyprexa would help me sleep, but the past few nights, I've had a harder time falling to sleep.

Last night, I took it around 9:00 PM, but couldn't fall to sleep until closer to 11:00 PM.

Unfortunately, I have some sort of a cold or sinus congestion going on, so my CPAP increased the sinus pain/pressure.

It shouldn't have, but I did turn down the humidity on it last night too.

Tonight, I'll crank it up full bore to the highest level and make sure the reservoir is filled to capacity.

The extra moisture should keep them pressure from being caused by drying/thick mucus... Or that's my hope.

Today, I finally got my hearing tested again and my hearing aids tuned again.

Wow, I knew that they were off  a bit, but now I can hear really well again, from both ears.

My right one I knew was probably my fault, as I skewed the last Feedback test by putting my hand close to my ear.

Now I think my daughters will enjoy me more again.  Instead of getting a lecture about how to project their voices and quit mumbling.

My birthday is this weekend, and I think I know what I want.

I asked the girls to get my a nylon box kite from Wal-Mart, and my wife will get me my fishing license for 2013, and I hope the few supplies we need for me to start growing orchids.  I thought another plant in my office would be nice.

Orchids aren't that hard to grow.  I found this really neat/short Orchid growing Ebook yesterday.  The author insisted their easy to grow & maintain.  Which is true, when compared to roses, and I love my roses.

This afternoon, I'm going to take my uncle to another chemo appointment.

I want to ask the doctor if he has an idea of the current life expectancy...  My uncle's mental faculties are starting to get worse.

Not that he cannot sit down and do crossword puzzles or anything like that.

He's starting to forget things faster, and he's losing his focus on things that are being done for him vs. what he thinks he needs to do for himself.

An example of this would be that his laundry is done by the assisted living facility's staff.. Well, he asked for a box of detergent and said that he needed to do laundry.  He also bugs the font desk/scheduler all the time about his appointments.

I just got off the phone with the front desk myself, to confirm that I had the right time for his appointment, and she agreed that his recent activities have been getting worse.

If the Lord wants to take him home, I hope that he does it sooner than later.

Dreams of flight...

This is sort of a reoccurring manic dream that I have.

It always starts out the same...

I'm in a gym somewhere, and a friend of mine has figured out how to fly through pure will.

So, I sort of lean/tilt forward and finally lift my legs off of the ground.  Then it's just a matter of looking at and desiring the different places that I want to fly to while in this gym.

It's not like an aerodynamic position for the body... It's a matter of how gravity is interpreted.

Wow... For some reason, either thinking about this dream or the lack of caffeine today is making me want to nod off.

That's all I got today on this dream folks.

There's no caffeine here...

I've been using No-Doz off/on for years instead of drinking coffee or soda.  It's way cheaper to buy a bottle with 80 or pills in it than it is to buy either of the others on a per pill to drink basis.


I might have a kidney stone, so I'm going to hold off for a while, as caffeine can contribute to dehydration, and for me that causes terrible kidney stones.

Also, I'm going to start pushing more water, as it's what I drink 99% of the time.

Yesterday, if it wasn't for my knees hurting so darn bad, I probably wouldn't have used any of my pain meds.  Even then, my knees only hurt when I was climbing & descending the stairs.

Last night, my knees were hurting me, and when I sat down during dinner, I noticed my legs were swollen up pretty bad.  When I pressed down on my leg above the shin bone, I left about a 1/4" dent in my leg.

So, I started using my little cycling machine again.  Used it for about 10 minutes or so last night.

Today, I'm going to lift weights again, spend some time with the cycling machine and see if I can't help get the swelling to go away for good and help my knees with their movement.  As it stands, I would really rather just move my office downstairs... finally, and not climb ANY stairs.

Good video regarding Resilience...

I normally don't post information about my religion too often, as I don't want anyone to think that I'm pushing my faith down their throat.

My personal belief is to let people choose for themselves what they want to read/see/think/believe. Not tell them what they're doing is right/wrong. In some instances, I may say that things are wrong, especially if I feel that something needs to be done.

With that out of the way, I watched and "Liked" the following video posted by my church regarding resilience.

If you're bipolar or struggling with depression, being reminded that you are a resilient person can help.

That things are not always going to be permanent.

Despite our mental states & conditions, things can be changed.

For me, this came only when I finally realized and recognized that I had a problem that couldn't be solved.

I started by talking to a therapist.  She helped me talk things out, and helped me to look in and see why I was doing what I was doing.

Later on, I accidentally found a YouTube video log by clicking on suggested videos from a news article that I was reading. (Bipolar State of Being)

I will confess that instead of working for the next day & a half, I watched every single one of her videos.

Finally, I felt a connection to what I had been experiencing for several years.

To bring this to a bit of a close, I eventually started seeing a Psychiatrist, and started getting the medication that I needed to stabilize my moods.

Even recently, I added an additional medication.  I was originally only on Effexor XR 300mg.. Now I'm also taking Zyprexa at a 5mg dose.

My life almost overnight seemed to change.  I suddenly wanted to do things!  Really, really, I wanted to do things that I hadn't been doing in forever.

That's all I have to say about that...

Help the Lord whenever possible...

I've skirted the issue as to what particular faith that I follow, many times.

For those of you who are regular readers, I'm certain you might be able to guess and others not so certain.

I proudly declare that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Not any of the reorganized sects.

I don't practice polygamy, etc.

Maybe this is part of why I have good moral strength to not follow any of the "usual" manic/mania urges that others run into.

I grew up with the church, and I have to laugh at many of the "documentaries" or other "facts" about my religion that are so prevalent on the internet.

If you have questions, please ask them. If you're going to post argumentative things against me, please know that I will most likely remove those comments.

The God that I follow is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob(Israel)!

This God's only begotten son is Jesus Christ, and I also follow him; Praying to God in the name of Jesus Christ.

So, if I'm not a Christian by someone's standards... I wonder, how many people in history are named Jesus that were born by a virgin named Mary, who married a man named Joseph?

I read & study the Holy Bible, King James version specifically. Included with my studies are the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants.

Now that I have established that, I want to follow up to the title of this entry.

The missionaries, (Door to Door Homies, as my friends in School used to call them) called me to see if I had an arm sling.

One of the Elders had hurt his shoulder playing football, and I actually have a shoulder/arm sling from when I broke my left shoulder several years ago.

They just left a few minutes ago, and I helped to fit it on this young man, and explained how to use it best to help heal the injury.

God Bless!

Another day, another... oh...

I don't just want another dollar, I'd rather have a fist full of fish?

Eh, forget it.

My knees hurt really bad today, but less than yesterday.

Especially my right one. It hurts to extend it and then also to put weight on it when climbing/descending stairs.

My mood seems to be OK, for now. I'm not completely elated/euphoric right now, but I also feel a bit drowsy and I'm still waking up.

I am working, but I'm not full aware. To make this better understood, I'm not in my "Neo" state... yet.

The "Neo" state is where I'm working and I can see all the pieces of my source code lining up, I can picture exactly what needs to be done where, etc.

Yesterday, after seeing "The Ogre" (my shrink), I went and worked from the office for the rest of the day. It was good, and I was able to continue working on the security auditing as expected. Unfortunately, I have a problem right now where the 3rd party SQL dll's we're using were built using the .NET target of 4.x instead of 2.x. Our entire project is flipping out, but only for me, because I don't check things in until I am able to have them 100% operational locally and on another system...

I practiced banjo last night with 'ol Zeke, and we started playing off of each other when we were playing.

It is hard to play blue grass banjo against a claw-hammer player. Most claw-hammer playing is at a 4 count... 1, *, 2, *, 3, *, 4, where blue grass is an 8 count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Perhaps it's properly described as 4 counts per measure for frailing/claw-hammer, and it's 8 counts per measure for blue grass.

So, when I start to play, I'm throwing lots of extra notes that Zeke is not playing.

My hearing loss doesn't make it any easier.

I need to schedule an appointment to get my hearing aids adjusted, as I noted before, the right one doesn't seem to be picking up audio as well as it used to.

Emotional transference & overwhelming someone.

I thought that I'd write about something that seems to happen to me a LOT.

My dear, sweet wife often transfer her emotions to me and often overwhelms me emotionally.

An example is that we're working on our taxes for 2012, and I know that I needed to find and provide some info to our CPA.

Earlier, during work, I sent off what I thought was the missing information to our accountant.

When I was sitting at the dance studio waiting for our daughters' class to let out, she called me... "Did I get the CPA the info?"

I told her that I hadn't been able to get all the info I thought was ready yet and that I haven't been online with my laptop since 2:15PM when I left work.

When we got home, she started in again.

I finally broke down, not crying, but in anger that I hadn't really had time to do anything since I left work, I hadn't sat down anywhere that I could connect to the VPN or internet to get the info confirmed.

If things were such a high fucking priority, she should do it herself!

As she's getting ready to go off for her meeting, she's fretting over "hotdogs". HOTDOGS!

WTF should she worry if we have hotdogs out of the freezer for dinner or not?

I know how to cook them!

The kids know how to cook them!

It doesn't require that they're defrosted or anything!

She needs to take a Xanax or something. Her worrying is transferring to me!

Now, I also started getting a really bad fucking headache too!

That doesn't help me to be nicer... Does anyone ever get nicer when they're in blinding ass pain!?

I suppose, I'm just tired of her pushing her emotions and worries onto me over petty ass shit.

For those of you who are spouses or g/f or b/f of a bipolar person, don't try to fret them all over with stupid ass shit!

I mean, some of us have triggers, and this is one of my triggers... Getting overwhelmed by emotions, whether they're my own or someone else's.

Hard drive not the problem.. I think.

I forgot that I messed with the bios a bit the other day, and didn't make certain that the auto-detect still had the drive listed.

So, today, I ran the auto-detect for the drive, and it found it.

Booting up, it came right up online and I'm working from the cat-5 instead of the wireless again.

If it's not one thing it's always another

The damn hard drive for the firewall system is having problems.

I have a drawer of IDE drives that are in good shape. From 500 MB to GB drives...

CD-ROM drive might also need to be replaced... The boot feature isn't working so far...

When, I'm done I might have a system that would've been top of the line from 8 years ago!

Day 7 and Zyprexa is my friend!

I must include that I saw the shrink today. He is as happy with the results as I am!

I'm going to be at 5mg of Zyprexa all the time now.

Make like a tree and leaf....

Oh! Pick me! OH! oh! Pick me!

I found various RPG systems that seem like they'll be really fun for my family to go through.

Since I am working from the corporate office today, I used the printer to double side the print outs and used the built in printer staple system.

To say that they're cool, is an understatement, but I really love the printers that we have at work!  They're everything that you dream of when you're a kid at home print stuff out on continuous dot matrix printer paper.

The printers double side, staple and print in color, should I need it.  It has really come in handy for various projects.

My employer doesn't mind minimal personal printing, so over the years, I have taken advantage of this offer.

I also printed out several boomerang patterns.... now to get time to sneak out to the shop and start making boomerangs now.

I like to move it move it...

I must say, I get along with a little help from my friends.... My friends being Zyprexa...

Prior to taking Zyprexa, I was "lucky" in the bedroom, on certain occasions, not due to my own "wants", but rather due to the lack of desire.

Now the desire has ...ahem... risen... :D

Thanks to a friend of mine, I am now also looking for a simple RPG system to get my kids involved/started off with.

I have access to the D&D stuff already, but I was looking for one very kid/girl friendly that was free or for a minimal cost.

Preferably something that I can read/use from my kindle.  I'm not opposed to PDF files, but their a bit harder to work with on the Kindle than the native .MOBI format.

So, leave me a comment with names or URL's to various RPG systems that might be helpful.

Firewall is back online... again.

Firewall is online again.

Looks like the motherboard went out and the one I wanted to replace it with was also bad.

Good thing, I managed to have a clutter/shitload of extra parts laying around. Although, most of my parts are older parts & many of them are useless these days.

Well, I found another motherboard, tested out power supplies, etc. Got it functional.

Swapped out the boards, and configured the bios... Looks like I am getting what I desired.. finally.

The motherboard/bios does not flip out during boot up. It has not lost its config, even though it hasn't been plugged-in/powered up in almost 6 years! (Awesome battery!)

So, now when the power goes out, if it's not online, I just hit the power button, and voila!

I'm back online again!

Can I get a Woo Hoo!?

TGIS??

Took the single 2.5 Zyprexa last night.

At first I wasn't sure how I was going to do today...

Heax hurt a bit, back was tight, kinda not feeling so hot.

Took a pain pill, head got worse, had zome ice cream and trimmed the cats' claws. (didn't get bit or scratched!)

Now I'm doing ok.

I think I need to use 5 mg of Zyprexa for best effects.

I'm going to go outside today and work on the roses and yard.

I found some fertilizer/ insecticide stuff in the garage, I didn't know we had. I'll use it on my miniatures in my office and the few we have outside.

I installed the latest kindle touch update a few dys ago and it's much easier to type up these entries than it was with the prior version.

Spelling mistakes are still mostly the fault of not being able to touch type.(hard to read and type...)

Damn Firewall went down...

Firewall hardware died.

I thought it was the motherboard.. I swapped it out, and power supply will go on, but won't continue.
No POST events, etc...

And I just replaced the power supply last month.

Oh well, I suppose SHIT just does happen.  Why not?  I feel the need to go sometimes.

I believe I have additional power supplies around here that work, etc.  I'll have to try them out.

Believe it nor, I wanted to swap out the motherboard for many years anyhow.  It has a fault BIOS in it that couldn't always remember settings and would always prompt for a keyboard stroke to come online.

So, now I suppose is my chance to get things working the way I want them to.

I just hate that I need to do the work.

Oh well.. I will survive...

Oy! Again, with the feeling good.

I'm doing pretty good again today, although I'm pretty darn tired.

Being tired is truly my fault, sort of.

Last night, I was a bit "randy", and had a headache when I first laid down to sleep in bed next to my wife.

I fell asleep and awoke.. Sometime later on and... Well... none of your business!

So, I didn't sleep straight through the night, but I felt good with that interruption.  My wife agreed it was good.

Today, our oldest is home again, as she has a bad cough; probably due to asthma.

I'm continuing to go through the security audits for our project, and 99% of the security alerts come from the modules that interface the unsecure code to secure code. (i.e. .NET vs. MFC / (non-.NET)

Yesterday I was doing really well, and the weather was going perfect, so I barbequed some pork steaks. Mmmm. mmm.

It was close to 6:30 or so when we finally sat down to eat, and then my banjo buddy stopped by, as expected so that we could practice.

He brought some Henry Weinhard's Root Beer to share with me, but wound up sharing with the rest of the family.  It's okay, we had so much pork steak, mashed potatoes & asparagus, that we set him up with dinner, as he hadn't had time to eat yet.

Then we began to play our banjos.

For protections sake, let's call my friend Zeke. (I know, it feels like I'm getting ready to startup a story similar to "Deliverance"... Especially with banjos involved.)

Well, Zeke got me involved with a bluegrass banjo class last year at the community college.  It was great, it helped me to round out how to read & play banjo music better.

Zeke is a claw hammer (frailing for some of you folks) player to begin with, whilst I was a guitar picker to prior to learning how to play bluegrass banjo. (i.e. 3 finger banjo playing)

After our hour+ long jam session, my finger felt good, as I haven't played regularly for months & months.

I'm going to pick up the 5 string again tonight after work and play some more so that I can pick up the tune "Bile 'em cabbage down" again.

It's a pretty simple tune, however, getting the full blue grass picking down and hitting the accent notes correctly is quite a feat, but it feels good to play and enjoy thing again!

I still cannot continue enough of how good I'm feeling now.  It is remarkable the difference of my attitude & demeanor since starting Zyprexa.

Here we go round the mullberry bush...

Well, I can definitely tell that I am doing better.

One of the YouTube channels I'm subscribed to is Victor Poulin.

He builds boomerangs, shows how to fly them and actually gives a few away every month.

Now, if you're the kid-like person that I am, this has been cool watching the videos, and I hope to win one or two myself.

However, I am more curious than to just own one and throw it.

I want to build one.

So, thankfully Victor posted another video with the basics of how their built using one of his pre-drawn patterns on a piece of wood he sells.  They're basically just ready for the making. (i.e. cut it out and do some shaping)

Well, I happen to have a smallish sort of stash of various woods.  Mostly walnut, as I had most of a walnut tree from a friend in my shop that I slowly turned in various bowls, cups, boxes, flutes, etc.

Now, I did use Google and found various patterns online that I will use as my general guideline for making my own boomerang out of my scraps.

I'll try to get pictures and perhaps I may even do a video of it being thrown.  (I don't know about a video right now... but if it was taken at a distance, it might be OK...(See my first post about my picture being used online))

Captain's log... Day 3 of Zyprexa

I wanted to update my log on the effects of using Zyprexa.

Last night, I was having trouble falling to sleep.  I took the Zyprexa around 9:00 (ish).

The girls were feeling cruddy last night, and stayed home from school today.  My youngest who's 10, slept in the bed with me, and my wife slept with her sister in her room.

Hard to sleep with a kid that has to lay right against you.

It wasn't her that really kept me from falling to sleep.  I think once my mind is fully awake, it runs full blast (when I'm not totally depressed, or maybe it does and that's why depression is so hard.) going as fast as possible.

Tonight, I will take 5 mg of Zyprexa to help me fall asleep faster and since it appears that it doesn't affect me adversely the next day (i.e. yesterday for example), I think it'll work out well.

I'm supposed to go in and see my Shrek. (Two letters off from Shrink, so why not call him "The Ogre"?)

The Ogre isn't a bad guy, and I like him.  Much, much better than my previous one.

Another conclusion that I just thought about as I made a trip (up/down)stairs to use the restroom, is that maybe I'm heading into a manic phase again, but this doesn't feel like a full obsession, as it feels more like my normal self.

I used to feel like doing all sorts of things and "geeking-out".  Building things from electronics, programming, having fun.

To me, doing things that are interesting/etc is fun.  Even playing D&D is fun.

I'm tempted as heck to look over the D&D 4th edition books & stuff, if I can find them and either use those rules or make up rules/world for my family/children to play with.

That's about it, I have to concentrate on the secure coding for work now.

It's good to be the King...

Well, I'm not royalty...

Unless you count what I think of myself.

Wait a sec.. that would mean that I'm also a Jackass & a stupid mother f$#!@%r too.

I don't mind being called a mother blanker, as well, I am...  My wife had children, etc. etc.

So, now onto the reason why it's good to be something...

Okay, to be more explicit, it was really good today to be bipolar and to have gone through the problems I have.

Uh, gee... Why's that Mr. Strider?

Today, a couple we know from church needed help.  The husband has mental health problems, and his wife is bipolar. (Bad combo to be married, right?  Yes & no)

Recently, she's been going through some manic problems, because last year her mom passed on, and she was out of state for over a month, so her meds were missed for a long time.

When she returned, the doctors decided it was a good time to change her meds around.

Not a good idea.  Over the past 9 months or so, she's had some severe issues. Especially the past few weeks.

We got phone calls to borrow paint buckets, to all sorts of odd things. (Definitely a Manic episode going on)

Well, she crashed today.  Really bad.

Her husband called and asked me to come over to assist him give her a blessing.

I did, and I had a chance to talk to her, and wife came along too.

My wife, with all of her good intents, really needs to learn to slow down and wait, watch & learn what a person needs to hear.

Jane, as I'll call my wife, found out that our friend wanted to harm herself, and started telling her to go to the hospital, etc. etc.

I agree that if a person needs help, they should go get it, but as those of you who are also bipolar or suffer with other mental illnesses know.  You don't really want to go someplace that's not home, and to get under the "microscope" of scrutiny & examination of other people.

It was good that school was almost out when we got there, because after a while I sent Jane over to get the kids, and our friend's husband and I gave his wife a priesthood blessing.

She was blessed with peace & courage.  When we finished with the blessing, she was more calm, and I was able to continue talking with her to calm her and relax.

My friends had already planned on what they were doing today, so I steered the conversation towards that direction so that way she could be distracted by what they were going to do.

Without having experienced these depressed lows myself, I don't believe I could have even begun to relate to her problems.

Who wants to experience any problems in their life?

I sure as hell don't like going through trials, but when I look back at what I have experienced, I know I am stronger than I was originally.

The past is something strange to me, as I often find that I have flashbacks & can actually see/smell/taste/hear things that I had been involved with.

For some reason, the chapel that I went to all the time as a kid, keeps coming to mind, even though I haven't been in it since 1993 or so, and it burned down around the year 2000 or so.  I can still remember what the walls looked like, feel the carpeting under my feet and the odors that the building contained.  These memories are so strong, that a movie could only hope to compete with how I recall them.

So, to wind things up further, while I hate to have experienced depression/mania/emotional turmoil/etc.  I'm really glad that I was able to be there for my friends, and help boost her moral.

Laus Deo - Praise be to God! (Latin)
Viya con Dios - Go with God! (Spanish)
Shalom Aleichem - Peace be unto you! (Hebrew)

Hey Ma! Look! It works!

I think the Zyprexa is working.

Last night, as I believe I noted, while typing on my kindle, while sitting on the loo, I had typed that I wasn't sleeping.

Taking the additional Zyprexa helped, because I was starting to get into a freaked out state a bit that I wasn't going to be able to sleep.

While sitting here, waking up and trying to get my brain moving towards work... I had what I would call an epiphany... That I actually wanted to do some of my hobbies.

This means, that proactively, I want to go outside to my shop and work on things. Specifically, I'm not fearing the cold/heat for it. I want to go out and work with it so much now, that I almost cannot wait to finish up here at work to then go and get it done there.

I think though, instead of working with stone or wood tonight, I'm going to pull out my banjo and get going on some practice and music. There's a talent show at church next month sometime, and I think it'd be fun to show up with yet... Another instrument that I know how to play.

Currently, I can play:

• Nose Flute (With the exception that it's similar to a kazoo, as it doesn't have keys or things to press, it is hard for many to play without passing out.)
• Penny Whistle (Mine's not exactly the typical Low D penny whistle, but it's tuned the same and plays the same.)
• Guitar (Various styles... Mostly harmony picking, some heavy metal & rock styles etc.)
• Piano (I'm still working on playing the bass clef. (left hand))
• Ocarina (Another odd instrument to work with)
• Clarinet (I cannot play from sheet music, because I'm playing as I play the penny whistle.. Pissed my wife off that I can do it that way.)
• Various other flutes I've made. (BTW, my penny whistle looks like an indian/native american flute... I might post a picture sometime... but that might give me away... It's been seen by lots & lots of people)

Going manic??

I don't know why I cannot sleep right now...

Seems like an easy enough task to do.

I did take one of my 2,5mg Zyprexa pills an hour ago.

Still cannot sleep. The RX was written for me to take two if needed.

I just swallowed the second one.

Perhaps I'll read more of Sherlock Holmes as I finished the Grapes of Wrath over the weekend.

Good book. A bit depressing for some. Told my wife to stay away from it... She doesn't like Steinbeck anyway.

Ba dee ba dde ba dee thats all folks.

Or perhaps... I feel the need to write stories or poetry. Or to stayup and play the banjo quietly...
Zyprexa kicking in... Jstrider, out...

She texted...

My oldest daughter texted me proactively for the first time since she told me that she didn't want to chat with me anymore.

She's 18 in another week or two...

Said that on Sunday, during church, she a lesson about forgiving was being taught.  That God will only forgive those who forgive others.

My daughter, didn't mention anything about forgiving me, instead she forgave herself... I bet that was hard.

I don't know what she expects/wants...

Blatantly, I asked her if this was for her birthday... of course the answer is "No"...

Oh well, I suppose a father will never completely disown their children.  Those that do... well, I pity you.

For those parents who keep providing everything for their children on that eternal tit of "everything" or "you poor baby"...  GO TO HELL!

My brothers have all been treated thusly.. My sisters and I are the only ones who've never really taken any funds from our parents without repaying it.

Well, that's my rant for the afternoon/evening.

I'm ready to stop working and go downstairs and spend time with my family.

Zyprexa seems to be working.

This is just the first day after using a 2.5 mg does of Zyprexa.

I slept pretty good, and not too deep or heavy... Except, I did miss my early morning meeting with a team on the other side of the globe from me.

So far, I do not feel low/blue.  In fact, I'm a little bit the other direction, but not totally feeling like I'm in a full mania.

Just lighter & happier than I've been while for a while...  I dare say, my usual self.

Prior to getting into a terrible depression, etc. I used to be able to sit down and code/work forever, at high speeds.

Now, I'm lucky if I get that way several days a week.  Well, actually, prior to last week, I was starting to get that way again.

My full speed for coding things can be very fast/rapid.

For example... My current speed, on average, I'd say is almost a 1/4 of what I am capable of when I'm running at full speed.

It might've been that I was in a mania a lot when I was coding, and when I finally crashed, I crashed hard.

Too hard to tell as I've only been dealing with mental illness for a few years (3+).

So, I suppose, I know/understand this in better detail than others, because I can remember what I was like before this started to happen.

Although, when it happened is very grey... It took me probably more than a year to realize that I had a problem.

It was as if I was looking through someone else's eyes.  I knew I was looking at things and participating in various things, but I wasn't really there.  Felt so far away, and distant.

I'm certain, that if someone had just left me behind at a bus stop, I'd probably would've gotten mad, and just stayed there until I got hungry or something.  I just didn't seem to care.

Plop, plop, fizz, ring... oh shit...

That's right.... The house phone made it into the porcelain throne the other night.

My wife was on the phone chatting with a friend, and decided it would be a good time to bathe the dogs.

Well, just as the title indicates, the phone went down the "drain"...

In many ways, for her at least, it was a relief... She wanted to have a new phone anyway, and the battery was getting weak.

For me, I didn't really flip out.  I was dealing with knee pain from my arthritis, so I figured, why make deal out of it?  It was already going to be replaced sometime this year anyway... but, if anytime for something like this to happen, I suppose it was good it happened to an older phone.

 I'm feeling at home/normal with my mental condition... I want to say that I feel even keel right now, but I hope it's not leading into a manic sort of state.

I did get my new medication from the pharmacy, but forgot to look at the details & name of it.  My wife informed me that it was an anti-psychotic, and it was a very low dose.

At this point, I don't necessarily care if it slows me down a tad, just so long as I don't spiral down into the depression I was in last week.

I think I'm finally cooling down.

I don't know if in previous posts, I mentioned how my body feels "hot" and uncomfortable in temperatures over 72 degrees F.

Well, for some reason recently, I've actually started feeling "cold" in temps below 75 degrees.

Friday, the shrink also ordered blood work to check out the thyroid.  When this was done a year ago, nothing was found.

Perhaps there is something going on now?

I don't think anyone wishes to have any physical or mental problems, but when you've dealt with some of the problems I have over the past few years... It would be a great relief to have any explanation for the headaches or heat intolerance, etc...

Ok.. I take it back.. This morning when I first got up.. My office was about 72.5 degrees.  I kept the window closed and now it's almost 77... I suppose the only reason why I haven't started freaking out with sweat is that I've had my fan running, circulating the air around the room.

It's a wonder what a little bit of air movement will do for making a person feel cool.

I am starting to feel more alert, and I am a bit ticked at the QA guy I've had working on my code...  He said that one of my modules isn't working correctly... but when I look at the debug info for my module, it shows that his active directory services are unreachable.  Which means that his network is messed up or his DC is not running/reachable. (Damn moron).

Back online again...

I feel like a server that gets rebooted sometimes.

Last week, obviously, I was in such dire straits... It was so hard to figure out why I was down & blue.

I did see my shrink on Friday.  My wife wanted to go with me, so we went together.

She asked him about my moods, why it is that my moods keep jumping up and down, etc.

He figured that if I was bipolar, that I have it very "mildly"... Mostly because I don't go into some of the crazed manias other bipolar people do.

I go into manias at times... Usually around hobbies & what not.  I spend hours & hours learning how to do things, then spend some money and lots of time trying to do what I've been researching.

For example, I make flutes, because someone I work with asked me if I could... So I said, "Sure, why not?"

I then went through an even more mania with this as I learned how to play it.  I can play by ear now...  With pretty much any woodwind instrument. (Except for a bagpipe chanter... Damn thing is hideously setup for playing music.)

So, the doctor prescribed a med, that I didn't mentally note the name of... Unfortunately when I went to pick it up on Saturday morning, the pharmacy wasn't able to have it available.

It appears that the pill size the doctor recommended isn't very popular, and it wouldn't be in stock until Monday.

So, I'll have to go pick it up later on, maybe after work, or my wife'll pick it up during her trips today.

She & the kids have the day off from school.

Well, I'm still trying to wake up and become alert enough for my job, so I better quit here and start working.

Appointment with the shrink.

The shrink finally called me back, just in the past 5 minutes.

I'm still worried about going... I don't want to get there, where his office is at a hospital, only to be forced/committed to stay.

What a freakin' mind job.

I'm in a bit of a panic state... My GP doesn't want me to use Xanax & drive, so I probably will stay away from it, but it might help settle my nerves.

I also, just minutes before he called me, finished watching a documentary about Bipolar & various YouTube VLoggers with Bipolar. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=2rV14pciJW0

I felt a bit hollow watching it.

I used to relate to them, but now, I don't know WTF to do feel.

Think back now... Monday, I was up early, cut my hair, had a good hot shower, got things moving early... The rest of the week since, I feel like I've crashed and I'm still trying to get back up out of the hole.

I need a freakin' shower.  So, I suppose that's where I'm going to go.

Not so down today... So far...

I never did get a call from the shrink yesterday.  Well, someone from his office did return my call and said that he was going to call... but that fell flat.

Things got really bad yesterday.  I would up disconnecting the VPN, just so that I could join up on a depression & bipolar chat group.

At first, all of the common chatter among the "usuals" in channel was tough to deal with.

Finally, I started to chat with people and my mood started to go up.

However, I still felt down.

By the time I called the shrink's office, I was feeling "OK".

I wished the sucker would've called me like I was told he was going to.

Of course... my wife got home from work and at different times last night, she was on the phone for longer periods of time... but I didn't really get upset... Hell, it's her phone line too.  I don't get many phone calls from people anymore.

Well, the boss is back in town and starting to get me involved in this again, so perhaps I'll get work done today.

Why is it that we dream?

I don't know why it is that we dream.

Many years ago, I knew what I wanted to accomplish and get to in life.

Now that I'm there, what more is there to dream of?

With my current mindset, I don't dream of any grandeur...  Nothing that I want to become, nothing that I want to do that I haven't done yet.

I suppose, the only thing I dream of is going off to war...

If I die, then so be it, but if I don't die, then at least I'll have more reason as to why  I feel and act the way that I do.

I'm tired of feeling down and hopeless.

Half of my garage is filled with various tools & materials to build things, but I just cannot get myself up to doing anything with any of it.

Much like all the music instruments that I own & play.  I don't want to make music.

I can hear music & see how different tunes can be played and arranged for some really neat productions... I just cannot do it right now.

I don't think I've ever felt as low in my life as I do this week...

Each day, I pray will be brighter & better than the last.

Where is God these days?

She's hurt her toes

My youngest hurt her toes on the bathroom door.

I know the kids both need new school, dress and dance shoes.

The money will come from somewhere... I don't know where, myself, bet I'll bet my left two lug nuts that my wife.does.

Things got so crapily low and emotional today, I stopped early and took the older daughter to swim practice.

There, at least, I can sit in "quiet" solitude and read my book.

I've been working on "The grapes of wrath".

I dig Steinbeck's writing style and the realness of his characters.

Currently, my mood isn't so emotional and sad/low. I don't feel elated or anything. Mostly empty...

Kind of like the bowl you get out for ice cream and then realize there isn't enough for a bowl and you leave it, opting to eat it right out of the bucket with a long spoon.

I'm that bowl right now... Useful but without much purpose.

I don't feel depressed, but I don't feel myself.

Right now, instead of working, I'd rather be out in a battle, war, street fight, etc.

It's not so that I can hope to die, but so that I can be part of something that means something to me.

So that I can just have the fight or flight sensation and keep moving.  Survival is a great high.

I now understand why a friend's bipolar wife went nuts, going around a gas station one day trying to get people to hit her car & in general get into a fight.

It's not suicidal tendencies... It's just... I don't know how to explain it.  Perhaps, if you're involved in something like a war or battle, you don't have time to think.

Earlier, I posted that I didn't want to do anything... I did lift weights for a bit, and then watched some daytime television.  Something I haven't done in a LONG time.  By goodness there's some stupid shit on TV.

I caught part of a show where they trail suspected cheating spouses... The chick that was being cheated on was a cute, mid 20 something girl.  If a fella feels the need to go out and bang someone else, aside from his cute girl, then something's wrong with him.

I don't get that mentality.  And people think bipolar or depressed people are crazy?  When we realize that we have a problem, we know we're more normal than the person who can't stop drinking, smoking or cheating on people.

Of course, many people who are bipolar & depressed go out and do some abnormal things.

For me, I suppose, since I can tell that I'm not in good shape, I will tend to stay introverted than to go out and seek thrills.

You know... Some people say they're "God-Fearing" people... and while I agree that I am afraid of God's judgements, I also know that I expect them.  I don't fear to be judged for what I've done and possibly haven't atoned for.  I fear no man, but I do fear bringing problems onto my family by acting strange enough to be monitored.

I do love life, and I do love my freedom.  Even if things come to a point of where freedoms are lost, I am still free to do the right thing.

Ahh.. but I don't wanna...

Unlike some of my other posts, where the title often reflects my humorous side, I really don't want to do anything today.

Much less actually take time to document it.

I feel tired, and don't know what to do to get myself motivated & feeling well to work.

My old manager seemed to have a good way of motivating me to keep me moving.  My current one isn't a bad guy, but he's very hands off, which in most ways, is a relief.

As a developer, you don't really need someone breathing down your neck as your create, solve problems and spend hours researching how to fix things.

Again... I really don't wanna do anything.

I got mites in my "shrubs"

Well, they're not really "shrubs", but rather miniature roses.

For Valentines day 2012, my wife got me a miniature rose bush that had some really pretty red roses.  Thinking that I might be able to keep it alive & bloom.

I'm proud to say, that it is still alive, and that I've gotten it to bloom several times.. but I've discovered that I have spider mites afflicting my flowers.

This year, I asked for another rose, this time it has brilliant yellow roses.

The rose came from Wal-Mart... Which is probably where I got the spider mites from this year.

I have a spray that a friend gave my wife, and I sprayed down all the plants I have up here, including my trees.

To list off my plants:

• A spider plant, hanging up over the top of my head.
• The two miniature roses, as described.
• A succulent type plant with very pretty little red/pink flowers.
• A yellow/orange Mum, that my wife didn't want.
• A maple tree that I plucked up from the railroad tracks last year that was just sprouting.
• A spruce that I'm trying to grow and like the maple, should be dwarfed like a bonsai tree.

I'm not exactly sure what to do about the mites, except to keep a closer eye on the plants, especially the roses and then to spray all the plants down when I find the little buggers infecting the plants again.

Are people afraid of a three letter word?

I watched a VLog this morning, and noticed in the comments of another one, where someone had said that they didn't like a person mentioning "God" so much.

To me, it's very funny when I see atheists going after various things where religion is involved.  Why do they care, if they don't believe God, Jesus, Thor, Odin, Ra or whomever exists?

Seriously, is it offensive to mention religion to people who don't believe in it?

When it comes to preferential treatment to those who are religious vs. those who are not, I can understand why so many want religion removed from the equation.

However, why go through the process of organizing and erecting billboards, paying for advertising, etc.. Just to get your point across?  Sounds like a religion to me now.

What is the purpose of a church?  Not any specific denomination... Just a church or rather the congregation in general?

To bring everyone together with like/similar minds to discuss & learn (I know some churches don't necessarily "discuss" anything, as preachers often tell people what to think/believe).

Well, that's all I have on this subject...

BTW, I know that God exists and Jesus is the Christ.

Hello Everybody... "Hello Dr. Nick!"

What we have today is an odd day.

I almost got up several times since 11:00 PM last night to start work.

Even laying there in bed for 10-30 minutes at  a time between "naps" / sleeping periods.

I got up several times, once to check on my wife's computer, I had to swap out the motherboard, and then run a repair install of Windows XP, because I didn't setup the OS for hardware swapping to make it easier. (SysPrep is a dream for those of you who aren't aware of what I'm talking about.  If you want technical info, go find a technical Blog... I don't care about being anyone's technical support guy.)

Finally, I awoke around 7:30 AM or so, after hearing my wife telling off one of the kids for not getting dressed for school.

I again, took the vitamins & what not, along with my regular meds today.

I feel a kind of euphoria, but tired.  If I were to relax myself, or try to go into a meditative state, I'd probably go right to sleep or enjoy the quiet time.

For a guy who's hard of hearing and wears hearing aids to enjoy sounds, I really also enjoy the quiet a LOT more than I expected.

I guess I got used to the silent times in my life where no one made a sound.  Now enters my wife, who's not used to be in these muted periods, and she has to talk or make noise of some sort.  Unless she's reading.

Last night, around 9:30ish or so, I started to get a nasty headache, that was really pushing against the back of my left eye.  I took my pain pills, then when my wife arrived home, I waited for her to get into bed.

You see, when she usually gets into bed, one of her annoying rituals is to bang the hell out her pillows to "fluff" them up, she says... but in actuality, it just annoys the hell out of me when my head hurts, and the pain last night was so bad, I know I would've reacted in anger. (Mostly swearing and starting an argument... but if I can foresee it, I can try and control it, like I did last night.)

 I used my oxygen for about 10 minutes, instead of 15, but I also switched my cpap masks for one that kind of plugs right into the nostrils instead of a dome over the nose.  Then I cranked up the humidity settings to the highest and went to sleep.

Prior to falling to sleep, my wife had a really bad headache, so I let her use my oxygen.  I figured, why not? She can't handle my pain meds the way I do... It worked for her like it does for me.

Well, between pain meds, oxygen & the high humidity, my headache pain & eye pressure went away... Unfortunately, when the pain doesn't exist anymore, the pain meds keep me awake, so I floated in and out of sleep till the time I noted above.

I did get the security stuff for our code figured out and I understand more of it now.  It's really neat stuff to get into, and to realize that you can design your DLL & EXE files to only run with each other, with a signature/key assigned to each file.

That is really slick technology, and it makes it so that a company can also keep their technology hidden/unusable by others.

Again, I digress with technology when this isn't a technology blog...

Walk like an Egyptian has nothing over Manic Monday

I guess I'm going towards the "manic" side of things...

BTW, if you don't know either song from the title, look them up on YouTube. Just another 80s flashback.

I decided on Sunday, while in my rut, that I'd get back to taking my vitamins again. (calcium, B12, super B, Folic acid, multivitamin, etc) I added some vitamin D, because the rheumatologist said my blood tests indicated lower levels. The multivitamin has D as does the calcium.

I know low vitamin D can cause/lead to depression. I don't know if it will push a person manic.

After working 8 hours today, I managed to take a 1-2 hour nap.

I need to work on my wife's computer, tonight. Might be the motherboard or video card... I honestly don't know yet. I need to crack it open soon.

Perhaps I'll work on it all night...

Playing hooky???

It's known that I generally work from home because of my unusual sleep schedule and migraines.

Today, my older daughter is at home, because she had a headache.  My wife approved this, without checking in with me. (i.e. if I wanted/needed to go to the office, I cannot because I cannot leave her alone.)

My earlier headache was still lingering around, and without ice cream to help cool down my head, I needed to go to the store to get some.

I went downstairs to find my daughter on the couch, with her feet up, reading a book that wasn't related to school work or what her mom had told her to do.

Prior to leaving, I had to use the bathroom, so I told my daughter to get her shoes on and get ready while I was busy.

When I was done, she did not get things done or started until she heard the door handle rattle.

Then it was a day & a night to get her shoes & coat on.

She took her book with her to read, but then never opened it, and left it in the car because you really don't want to walk around reading a book and run into things the way texters do.

On the way home, I asked her if she needed to go to school.  Or if she had problems with anyone at school.

She answered no to both questions.

When we returned, I got my ice cream, while she started doing the laundry my wife asked her to start.  Well, when she was done with that, I found her in bed, listening to music, and she told me that she thought she would try to take a nap...

I told her I was considering taking her to school at that point.  She can be tired at school for her decisions to stay up late.  My parents did the same thing to me.

Next, I found her on the couch working on her "homework"...  She said she had "forgotten" about it, despite being asked by me & my wife on Friday after school if she had any homework...  The usual answer "no".  Asked her if she wanted to go to school and explain to the teacher why her homework wasn't done.  Of course... "no".

At this point, I think the next time she complains about a headache, I'm going to give her Tylenol, and send her to school.

If after a while she gets worse, then she can come home.  This type of thing has happened much to often recently.

Since the start of the year, she's been home, "sick", 2-4 times. (Sorry, I cannot remember, but I'm considering starting a log of my own now.)

You know... I used to do stupid stuff to get out of school, myself.  From walking out during the lunch hour, to jumping the fence to get off school grounds and walking ever back alley to get home.  Very rarely did I try to do this, especially when my parent(s) were home. (I was in high school when I started playing hooky... Some days were just too nice to spend in a classroom.)

I expect this, but not from an elementary school student.

"Chop, chop, chop" original or knock off from Aliens?

Most of you have probably seen one of my favorite movies... Aliens.

One of the coolest scenes in the show happens early on, where the Android, Bishop, does the knife stabbing thing with Bill Paxton's character's hand underneath.

Today, one of the news sites I pay attention to, sometimes, posted that kids are starting to do it to a song titled, "Chop, chop, chop"... The guy who wrote the article was worried about "copy-cat" kids/teens/dumb asses, doing this and hurting themselves, based on this song.

Here's the original chop, chop, chop video.

So, after watching the original, here's a cute girl doing the same thing.

I guess my point to any of the "News" outlets... WTF do you care if kids copy things that they see others do?

Seriously, when most of the "Newscasters" were kids, they watched things like "The Little Rascals" or "The Three Stooges" and there were some very painful stunts performed on those shows.

Unless of course those same "News" people are closer to my age or younger, then they'd have watched things like Jackass & what not.

 If kids are going to do stupid things, the "Web" or "YouTube" isn't the only place to get the ideas.  The original "Chop, chop, chop" guy probably got the idea from Aliens (1986).

Hell, many of the things that I wound up learning how to do I got from movies, cartoons (Looney Toons / Tom & Jerry [AKA Itchy & Scratchy to the new generation]), and television shows.  Most of these were either rated G or PG.

So, what does it mean? "Media" & "News" people, get a frickin life!  If you're worried about your kid, then talk to your kid!

If you want to be a nanny, then get your apron on, and stand in front of the school(s) and warn all the kids, who may or may not have any God given common sense to not do stupid things!

Up and At 'Em! Earlier today...

Well, I slept pretty well, for the 4+ hours or so that I got.

Decided sometime around 1:15 AM that it was a good time to get up, cut my hair and shower.

I've been cutting my own hair since 1999 or so.

Since then I've had a barber cut it maybe a dozen times, but I've been the primary hair cutter.

Back in 2006/2007, I was trying to cut my hair in a longer style that I liked, using the buzz cutters, but was having trouble.

I enlisted the assistance of my wife, and after about 30 seconds, she says... "oops!"

To which, I retorted "holy shit", etc.

Well, I buzzed off my hair at around 1/8".

Over the course of that year, I kept it at the sides & back at that height, and tried to keep the top longer, as I used to.

Finally, I gave up, and went to the preset clipper attachments of 1/2" for the top & 1/8" for the back & sides. Kind of like a "jar-head" hair cut, although, I was disqualified from joining any branch of the military due to all of my inner ear surgeries.

At present, I am doing well, but about 15 minutes earlier, I had a headache that was really getting intense.

So intense, that I was going to go hit my oxygen tank for a session there, but after a bit of caffeine, a pain pill, etc. I'm doing better.

I'm not manic, but I do have a tendency towards that sort of euphoria/feeling.

Yesterday, prior to my log entry, I was close to going really irate/pissed. I don't know why, but I'm glad I recognized it & that the eye problem / headache slowed me down.

I laid down and took a nice nap in the SUN! Wow, Sunlight in early March when it's typically overcast & raining this time of the year.

It was kind of like being one of my feline friends, and laying out in the sun, and taking a nice nap.

The headache stuck around most of the day, and I used Oxygen once, with minor results. (Pain settled down but didn't go completely away)

As previously stated, I did sleep...

Now today, I'm feeling good enough to get into the secure coding stuff for work and I need to really make a major dent on it today, to make up for the lack of interest last week.

So, wish me luck, and leave a comment... Providing that someone's reading this... :D

It started out so nice...

It was very sunny when I first awoke.

I laid down and slept for a bit longer.

When I finally got up, my head was hurting so I took a full pain pill.

My wife decided that she needed more milk so I ran to the local store.

When I arrived, my eyes were doing the damn electric shockwd/blur thing. Made me think I was going to pass out or collaspse or something.

I just feel so shitty right now.

Oy Vey!

Yesterday, I had a really hard time working... I knew what I needed to do, I had everything to get the job done...

I just couldn't focus on anything so that I could work.

Now today.. It's sort of the same.

Several days ago my uncle was admitted to the hospital... I haven't been to visit him... So far today, I've just not felt focused enough to want to visit him... It's also a 30 minute drive there.

My head hurts like a mother fudger right now too. I took a full pain pill took a good nap and still hurt after another dose.

I don't feel like writing and I feel nauseated now too. I don't know if it's from the headache or that I'm getting sick.

My wife is traveling again with her parents today.. The girls are being real little angels... when they're not doing tap dances on the floor or arguing, etc.

I love them for their genuine assistance and company. I just wish I wasn't out of ice cream again.

"It's a wonderful day in the ..." Aw crap.

Things were going pretty well today.

I mean, I didn't feel like I was swimming in peanut butter to wake up today.

Prior to seeing the dentist, who did nothing but check out a problem tooth, my head started hurting a bit.

Now, the son of a gun is really starting to ache.  Just above the right temple, around the right eye and part of the skull going towards the back.

These darn headaches really aren't discriminating when it comes to giving me pain in the same place.  I suppose if they did, I'd have a dent or a rut in my head from rubbing it, or icing it, or heating it up, or whacking it with a hammer.

Now, I can headbutt things so hard that I can probably break boards, and that won't give me a headache or lasting pain. (It usually stings for 1-5 minutes)

So, when it comes to being frustrated or in a lot of pain, I do tend to headbutt things a lot.

I taught my girls how to do the same thing, since they were little bitty things (9 months - 1 year old I started teaching them.).  Since they can do this, they've headbutt my wife's uncle so hard, that he saw stars.  Now these aren't called headbutts, but rather "bonks".

The headaches are the #1 reason why I work from home so much.  This way I don't have to commute while under the influence of my pain meds and I can control, for the most part,  my lighting, temperature & noise levels.  Not to mention the odors, because some perfumes will set me off really bad.