Write me a long, long story.... Ok when you're done, throw it away!

That's about what I feel like right now.

For the past few weeks I've been working on this damn GUI project at work and today, I'm finding out what I know isn't what I thought I knew.

Turns out that I'm not going to be able to finish the damn thing anytime soon.

It's going to take me longer to finish it than it is to let another guy on my team finish the thing who helped to design the damn architecture...

So, I guess that's it.

TGIF - Toes Go In First....

So many people only know TGIF as Thank God It's Friday that they're also amazed that it stands for Toes Go In First!

Most idiots have that on the inside of their shoes so that they don't forget.

Last night, I slept, but I don't feel too rested.

I used my cpap machine and all, but perhaps my arthritis hurts me more than I wanted.

With my wife's urging, I looked up on our insurance providers site about what orthopedic surgeons & what not are available, and found that the best ones in our area are covered. So, naturally, I called and got the forms filled out to have my previous doctors send their notes to the orthopedic institute. Now I'm waiting to hear back from them regarding an appointment.

I'm looking forward to this, I'm not quite 40, and my right knee is jacked up enough that I don't walk where I fully straighten the knee because of the pain.

Through YouTube this morning, I tried to reach out to others who need help and point them to this blog, as perhaps a way to communicate or learn about another persons' struggles.

I struggle, but my emotional struggles are less right not, as I have the right amount of medications worked out to help me keep even keel. I just hate their side effects of weight gain, and loss of libido. That last one is what my wife and I hate the most, but we know that I cannot go without that medication right now.

If you're new to my blog, you'll have to skip back to the beginning of my posts to get an idea about me.

It went well!!!

Ellie's hysterectomy went really well today.

She's not out of recovery yet but I feel very happy

I texted family that she was OK.

Had to call my in laws... My mother in law felt icy when I.spoke to her.. Might take months before she finally thaws out.

Roller coaster or Mr. Toad's Wild Ride?

If there ever was a roller coaster ride that no one would ever ride, it'd be a bipolar or an emotional one.

I've had trouble getting my Effexor XR filled since Thursday (maybe Weds?). I did the usual thing, I called the pharmacy about the prescription, asked to have it refilled.

It wasn't refilled when I picked up the Zyprexa the same day.

So, on Friday, I took the last of the Effexor, and called the pharmacy about it, and also called the Shrink's office about it.

Meanwhile, all weekend long, I had severe diarrhea... turns out Lamictal has large doses of Lactose in the pills.

So, I need to deal with the "fall out" of the shit while trying to transition to Lamictal.

Going back to the Effexor, Yesterday... I spent the day off/on crying... Crying at all sorts of strange and stupid things.

I watched "Ernest goes to Camp" and wound up bawling in a few places. So, like grow up, huh?

Now today, after Ellie had left with the kids for them to spend the night at their grand parents house, I got really, really, really mad. So made I was swearing, and starting to get out of control.

The downside is that I managed to calm down and part of that was trying to play Amazing Grace on my flute... big mistake.. I couldn't stop crying.

I did finally realize that I need help!

So I went down and took the "emergency" pills of Effexor that the Pharmacy had given me on Friday night, since the Doctor hadn't responded.

Now I'm starting to feel "normal" again, and I'm not feeling like crying nor do I feel as pissed as I once was.

The coding/UI stuff for work that I've been working on is finally starting to work and act the way it should've from the start.

My architecture/developer dude, finally admitted that documentation of how to do what I'm doing was as real as Santa Claus coming down the chimneys every Christmas.

Damn, my right hand hurts from punching the cupboard last night, as hard as I could.

It's mostly bruised/swollen up on the ring & pinky knuckles.

Well, I'm starting to feel tired of crying and typing.

WTF have I done?

Friday, I had taken off of work so that I could get a bunch of things done...

Actually, this log goes back to Thursday night. Ellie's blood pressure was dropping and then went back to normal...

See, she's been very stressed out recently... Taking on more projects and obligations than she could probably handle.

Thursday night, when we got home, the first thing she did was to call her parents, and then to go into a crying fit with them about all the things that needed to be done.

Her parents agreed to help get things done...

Turns out, on Friday, during her trip to Washington, her parents couldn't actually do what they said they'd do.

So, Ellie called a friend, Sally (They bipolar friend of ours), to see if she could do it.

This was an OK action to take, but what she didn't do was alert me that Ellie needed me to get her some stuff... Which she did via text message.

I was already to get things done, but I was also pissed at Ellie... She had stayed up all night, Thursday night, against doctor advice, and did all the bills, which I CAN DO.

So, mostly, I suppose, I was pissed that Ellie couldn't get rid of the stress or do what people who love her told her to do to relax. (Does any of this crap make sense?)

One thing that I did, which I did while I was pissed was to text Ellie and tell her that I wasn't her "house boy".

This was only because she promised my time and efforts without first checking in with me...

Normally, this wouldn't be a problem if I was working... I expect stuff like that, but the time that I got the calls/text messages, I was almost out of the house to get things done that I wanted to do. and I was delayed.

Tonight, when Ellie returned from her trip, she was a bit tense, it seemed, and so when I mentioned why I was so upset to her on Friday, she totally flipped out.

Started yelling and swearing, dropping f-bombs in front of the kids.

I don't know the full extent of why she was so damn pissed or why.

I'm still at a total loss as to why she cannot drop the problem and continue with life.

I feel totally freakin' wired right now.

I took my Zyprexa & Lamictal, pain pill & an Ambien and I'm still wired.

I feel the need to type of my thoughts though.

So, Ellie and the kids went to my in-laws house... I called there to tell them that she was coming out and to alert me when they arrived... I tried to tell my mother in law that I was going to be grateful for the procedure that Ellie was going to have as her moods, like today's, have been getting worse...
Instead I get the third degree from my mother in law, then hung up on.

I called back a minute or two later to apologize to her about even trying to bring things up.

Then her mom walked up and down me about the "house boy" comment, and I when I tried to explain why, she didn't want to hear it.

So, I told her I was going to drop it and to please let me know when Ellie and the kids arrived safely.

Well, my father in law called me and told me they arrived, and I'm at peace about that.

I called a while ago, prior to deciding to type up any of this crap, and left a message at my in laws house to tell Ellie that I loved her and that I had work tomorrow and I wasn't certain how to talk to her... I hate doing stuff like this over the phone.

I really wish that she didn't go to her parents house, as I feel her mom is what fed her into the frenzy she got into tonight.

Well, I don't know what to do as I cannot sleep and I don't feel like doing anything.

I've thought about more pills or the revolver... not because I want to die... at least not actively, nor to leave my family in a state like that.... that's just too damn selfish...

My mind is just moving faster than I like right now...

I mean, I do feel at peace, and I wished that Heavenly Father could please help me know what to do, and more importantly to also help Ellie know what to do.

We both need help, and I know Ellie needs the peace more than I do.

I dunno... I was just trying to calm her down and get her to stay, but she'd already packed the car with stuff and had the kids pack their crap too...

So, well...
I dunno.

Signing off...

Am I cold ??

I have decided not to answer my uncle's phone calls anymore, ar least right now.

Perhaps I'm just bothered by him having delusions and calling me as if I know how/what to do.

I don't know anymore to do for him.

Bring on the Funk...

I'm in an odd mood today...

I really want to work, and think that Funk music will help me out, and it's distracting enough from my regular music style(s) that I listen to.

So, I'm starting to get my mind to wrap around this WPF style, but I'm at a bit of a loss, because I'm looking another code, and it's like it was written by someone who has some sort of hyperactive disorder as there are classes wrapped around classes, just for the sake of multiple classes it seems.

For those of you who aren't coders or bipolar, you might not fully understand...

I like straight forward code...  If shit's straight out coded and wrapped into multiple freaking classes & modules, I can deal with it..

But if your code is written so that each item you're working with is its own class it's a real pain in the ass, as you can't really get to a point where you can view & understand things well.

I think our framework guy is a genius with ADD or possible bipolar too.. but damn, he's got shit broken into so many pieces in places that it's really fucking hard to understand what's going on sometimes without spending hours reading them.

I'm a straight forward type of guy... I try to make it simple & easy to follow, and when possible, I incorporate simplicity for all levels of coders who may follow behind me.

Why can't people shut up?

Today, so far, has been nothing but meetings.

First meeting today, was led by an irritating sounding lady, who was trying to be "cute" by noting that she has "trained" to do things her way...

After she said that has "trained" some people to do things in her colors, I really got irritated with her, and wanted to actually kick her teeth down her throat.

I don't know if it's that she's trying to be cute on purpose or a flirt, but something about her manners really made me feel bristled up.

Now I'm on another conference call with new director in the company who's probably English and her accent is fun to listen to. Actually, she just explained that she's from South Africa. I wouldn't have guessed, since her accent isn't as pronounced as others I've met from South Africa.

Maybe this is someone who won't be a freakin' droll to work for. Last guy seemed to be "fun", but didn't want to engage with anyone...

Another thing I hate about these calls, are talking to people from India, as most of them do a hum talk... Kind of like Bill Cosby's bit when certain drinkers really get going them hum talk. (Try this link for it...)

I like the people from India in general, but some of these guys are really, really hard to understand because of the hum talking.  When they're speaking their native language, it sounds even worse.

Well, I took Friday off from work, so I only have to work today & tomorrow for this week to be over, and today's getting over pretty quickly right now.

Wow! She looks pissed!

Ellie left the kids here at home while I was working, and went to a new job orientation thingy for the school district.

This normally/usually is OK, but I guess she had some pretty high expectations of what the girls were going to have done, and I'm not certain how much of it was "done" to her liking.

Normally Ellie is fairly laid back, but not today... I don't know why, but damn... Maybe it's as she expected... She's on a cycle?

Damn, I hope not, I was hoping to get some... "recreation" in before her hysterectomy... but since my libido is shot by "Side Effexor", that might not be so much of a problem.

My concentration is shot already today.

Dammit.

I can concentrate on everything but my work...

DAMMIT!

Ok, I'll need to push harder to get myself going...

The UI stuff will click as soon as I can get it going/connected.

I don't see where/why it won't, but again, I'm frustrated as hell by this process.

I wished that one of the other guys on my team could handle the UI stuff, and I work the backend code, as I'm faster writing functional coding than writing/designing UI.

So, I guess, WTF? I got to get myself working...

So I missed a day...

I made myself a promise to blog every day of the week and weekends if possible.

Yesterday, I didn't add anything, so if you're here as a daily distraction of sorts, then I'm sorry. As for the rest of you... bugger off!

I've decided to move from the XML/XSL transform code project to an advanced debugging option.

What's hard here is that we're using WPF which is a royal pain in the ass.

It's not as easy as just dragging components to a form to design the UI, and then writing the code, I need to build a model in the background to have the backend of the code work faster & easier.

I'm all for Faster & Easier when it comes to coding, but it's really hard to wrap my mind around the damn thing.

As for my Bipolar problems, I saw the Shrink yesterday. I explained about my weight gain, and now he's moving me off of my current drugs, Effexor & Zyprexa to Lamictal.

So far, no rash, but I only took it for first last night. If no rash, I should be in good shape.

I'm not so pleased with what he said about Effexor... He said that many of his peers often refer to it as "Side Effexor".

Great!? huh!?!?

I can't wait till I'm off of Effexor, as the sexual side effects and lack of libido is hurting my marriage... It's not that things don't work, it's just that it takes so long for me to complete my "job"...

So, right now? Am I down? No.

Am I in a manic state? Not really, but I am elevated some.

I hope that this state lasts through the weekend, I have a lot of projects in my shop that I want to work on! I also was given some Jade, Sodalite & other mineral samples to play with... Some of these these samples should make some great looking earrings when cut & polished.

Well, I'll try to post pictures of my lapidary works...

Am I bad or just slipping into another snit?

I love my in-laws like my own family.

Yesterday, before the dance recital I realized I was getting into some sort of snit/episode.

I took a Xanax and since my leg hurt like hell I took some pain killers.

Things went well and I think what got me started was that I wanted to work on a project but knew deep down that my family was going to call me an hour or two after they left.

This all happened just as I thought... So I watched a movie while waiting for the call that did come just about when I predicted it.

Today I'm not certain WTF is up. I slept later, didn't go to church... I did watch, for the first time, most of a Catholic mass, which I thought of as very repetitive and extremely dry compared to my own church.

Currently, I feel like I might have a manic episode coming on, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep.

Well, I'll keep trying to sleep, but I don't think I'll really be successful at this point.

Ellie and the kids are outside right now picking strawberries sometime around 9:30 PM.

Dang northern summers, make for this crazy ass work to go on longer.

Ellie would probably have me out there too, if I didn't have to work tomorrow.

I just don't know wtf is going on... Hopefully I'll know.

Same crap, different day? Perhaps...

I didn't get up as early as I would've liked to, but that's OK.

Ellie has a pre-op appointment this afternoon for her hysterectomy.

After which, she said that we could go over to Harbor Freight Tools so that we can get me some welding supplies/tool/etc. for my Father's day presents.

I wonder if they sell a fat suction pump so that I can get some of my fat ass middle out of the way?

Oh well, that's Ok, I know I'm responsible for my weight, and I'm supposed to see my shrink on Monday anyway...

I want to bring up the weight gain thing with him and see if we can't switch medicines around to accomplish this.

Perhaps I need to go back to Zoloft, which I didn't really complain about except for the long time to complete "The Act", in the bedroom.  Then again, Effexor has the same side effect...

So, I vote for going back to Zoloft, or perhaps I can try going for Cymbalta again???

I shy away from Cymbalta, because it made my moods worse, but Zoloft... I was on that off/on for many years, prior to my self diagnosis of Bipolar.

So, also today, the guys on my team are starting to react to the XML/XSL problem that I've been debugging for more than a week.

All of the, but the guy who actually wrote the code, keep coming to me as though I'm the authority who did the work...

I'm not, I'm just the schlep who got assigned to debug the son of a bitch.

What a fucking mind job. (Hey, the f-word is in my dictionary... how "cool" is that?)

Well, that's all I have to bitch about right now, I'm certain before the day is even half way over, I'll be bitchy at the rest of my family...  If it wasn't for Ellie's appointment & the possibility of shopping for welding supplies, I'd be at the office right now, just to avoid my family.

Here I sit eating ice cream...

My mood today has been up/down a few times.

I need to get some coding done, but I keep coming back, over and over to the same problem without a different resolution.

Isn't that the definition for insanity, or close to it?

I lack the insight to see beyond my current set of problems in the source code.

XML/XSL transforms can be such a pain in the ass.

I can make it work for one XSL file, but not for the one that I really, really want.

Not only to mention that, I also have problems because the dang thing is also in Unicode, so that's another layer to this madness that I'm working on.

Oh, did I mention that the original code that does this is scattered across dozens of source files, in C++ instead of C#, and it utilizes the MFC programming interface instead of .NET.

Much easier to code many, many things in MFC than .NET... at least for me... Only because I still think in C++ rather than C# .NET/Managed code.

Well, WTF do you expect?

I'm a nerdy type of coder, but not that NERDY.

Well, I am slowly giving my leg frost bite as I have a large ice pack strapped to my right knee... The sucker hurts, and right now, all I hope happens is to get the swelling down and not take anymore pain killers today.

I'm a bit miffed by the doctor... I was up on larger quantities of my original pain pills, and now that I'm using a "longer lasting" pill, I'm still running into problems with "break through" pain.

This is the type of pain that makes you want to hit shit, and if it wasn't for the long lasting pain pills, I'd probably be unable to work or be nice.

Well, so far, I haven't heard anything else about the layoffs, except that one of our many sites is going to be closed by the end of the year.

Today, after work, I'm going to my in-laws, which isn't a bad thing, and have dinner... After that the rest of my family has the girls club to go to...

Shit, I need to print out a bunch of pictures for them.... Well, I'll fire up my system in a bit and start printing pictures... After all, I'm not using my printer ink for much, except to be ready when I  want to print...

I don't do much printing at home anymore, not like I used to years ago.

These days, it usually goes from the computer, to the Kindle... thus no paper... I'm no green guy, but if I don't have to keep track of more papers, I'm happier.

Dammit, my wife didn't really plan on me going out with her to her parents tonight.

Freakin' A...

Oh well, perhaps I'll just stay home and say to hell with the whole damn thing.

Shit's going to hit the fan.

Today started pretty good.

I awoke on my own, feeling pretty rested, but my mouth felt like the hamster slept in there.

Last night, I cuddled with my wife, and then fell to sleep without putting my CPAP mask on, so I slept without the forced air coming at me.

I showered & shaved today, before work even.

Whilst getting started another guy on my team pings me for the boss, telling me that our team was safe from any company cuts, but that cuts were going to happen company wide on Monday.

I pinged a buddy of mine in another team, and he said that a site wide meeting at another one of the company sites was going on.

What it means, is that shit's going to hit the fan come Monday, and it's not going to be pretty.

My arthritis hurts like hell, again, today, and I would really like to stop the pain.

Amy told me that I should see the orthopedic guys again and see if there's anything else that can be done... Perhaps more cortisone?   I dunno.

It's just painful most of the time anymore.

I don't know what to do about the pain anymore, except to take more pain killers and not walk on the darn thing.

Yesterday, perhaps in a bit of a manic state, I went to the library for some books about Bipolar disorder... I know that I have it, but I wanted to find out how bad, and what else can be done.

My weight gain is mostly what's driving me to find out more, as I don't know if I can handle the medication if it's making me gain a lot of weight.

I'm thinking about working from the office tomorrow, and I really hope that I do go into the office tomorrow.  If anything, at least I can get my doughnut(s). :)

I love the internet for board games, but I hate the players.

There have been so many times that I want to play Backgammon or cribbage against people, only to get started into a game, then to have them quit the game rather than lose to me.

I'm not saying that I'm the world's greatest player, but I do win more often than lose.  One of my coworkers noticed this and she and I were always partners when playing four handed cribbage.

Currently, I'm feeling better, not so much in a snit that I was in.

I don't know why I was in such an odd state earlier today & yesterday...

Perhaps it was that I skipped my dose of Effexor yesterday, and it took several hours today to buffer it up so that I can get used to it.

My wife & kids went to the Mall as the bras Ellie bought several weeks ago started coming apart already, and so she went in to get replacements.

I'm still at a loss at how expensive a garment, such as a bra, is that women hardly ever show... :)

I feel nauseated right now, and I'm not certain what to do about it... yet...

I believe Ellie has some phenergan somewhere around here that I might take if this feeling doesn't go away.

Then again, one of the kids puked while we were out camping, so it might be a virus going around.

I just hate these early summer sicknesses.

With the thought that I'm not sleeping well right now, I think I'll try to get to bed earlier tonight, and use the CPAP machine.

I'm not feeling that I cannot breathe or that I'm winded all the time like I did over the weekend.

Talk about distressing, how spending hours trying to get your breath and not being able to fully get it?

WTF do I get to hurt so much?

My knees hurt like hell right now, and I haven't done much on them except walk down the block a few times yesterday.

My right knee is really painful and I'm in a I don't give a shit state.

I was born under a wandering star... - Paint Your Wagon

I've no idea why I thought about that song, except that it's playing in WinAmp now.

I suppose what I think about is that it would be nice to be able to wander around from place to place without much trouble doing so.

There are days that I wish I had the knees & body to be able to do things like wander from place to place.

It'd be fitting for someone who gets awfully melancholy like I do.

Perhaps that's why there are so many people with mental illness who are homeless, as they just want to wander from place to place.

Well, this doesn't help my knee stop hurting as I would really like to even just cut them off and go around on stumps.  Maybe not.. I dunno.  I'm just tired of the fucking pain.

Who isn't tired of pain!?

Why are you reading this instead of doing something more productive?

Hell, I dunno why I'm doing this very much anymore these days.

It's not like anyone ever comments on the shit I write anymore...

What work???

Last night I had terrible knee pain so I didn't fall asleep till about midnight. Several hours later I woke up with terrible pain in my sinuses. I tried to work but couldn't so I took some tylenol and aspirin and feel to sleep for a few more hours... but knowing life to be cruel, I tried to work again only to be too tired, so I figured to hell with it and went back to bed...

I spent most of the day in and out of sleep, that I just could not control.

I did it without flipping out.

I managed to survive the family camp out this year without freaking out or having any sort of an episode, although, I thought to myself multiple times that I didn't want to really be there.

My biggest problem right now, is that I cannot seem to wake up very well, but I also had the worst night sleep in a while.

I stayed up till close to midnight, because I couldn't sleep, then I woke up around 5:00 AM because my left sinus passage was in a lot of pain.  So, I tried to go to work, but it was too hard, so I used the hair dryer against my face, as the heat often helps.

Finally, I took a couple of aspirin and Tylenol, and that helped, and I fell asleep until close to 7:00 AM.

Now I'm still tired, but at least I am more awake than I was earlier.

I'll try to post more info about the camp out later on, as I'm still kind of spaced out and I'd rather like to try and work, if possible, or just tell the boss that I'm wasted from not sleeping and take the day off.

In many ways today, I just want to cry...

I don't know that I'm depressed, but I do feel a bit blue and my mindset feel a bit fragile.

I don't rightly know why, but that's what I feel like today.

We're supposed to go camping after we get done with school & work...

I'm starting to wish it was only a day trip and not several nights camping.

The kids are already punchy, and I don't want to hear a lot of fighting in the car or after work, or I might pop.

Ellie would get mad if I stayed home, or if all I wanted to do when I got there was to read books on my Kindle.

Funny how people think of family vacations in one way when others want to just relax...

Things don't last forever...

I took my uncle to his chemo therapy appointment today.

He was fairly tired and forgetful today.

When he was weighed, his weight was down to 117.  He's about 5'7" or so, which means he's not a healthy weight at all.

The oncologist had indicated that he's very concerned about him, and that he wanted to give my uncle a month without chemo, so that he could try and recover from the broken hip.

What stuck out to me was that he said that he was hungry, but when we stopped at a Wendy's for lunch, he could barely eat half a hamburger.

I almost broke into tears watching him, as this was a guy who was fully functional a few weeks ago, barely be able to eat now, nor show any interest in eating more.

In the past, if he could finish a sandwich, he'd wrap it up and take it with him, rather than waste it.

Today, he didn't do it.

It's sad...

I'm not necessarily depressed, but I am sad.

Oh the tales I'll tell.... I hope...

I have an appointment with my shrink on the 17th, in the morning.

If things are OK around home, I'll work from the office for the remainder of the day.

What I want to chat with him about or at least let him know about is that I keep having these flashbacks of things that I experienced.

Not all of my flashback are bad, and not all of them are good either.

Like just now, I was reliving my Jr. High School prom... I didn't want to go or have anything to do with it.  Well, my mom didn't want me to miss it, so I was forced to go to the stores to buy my suit & clothes.. Then forced to get ready to go and dropped off... I DID NOT WANT TO GO!

When I got into the prom, I had my camera and just goofed off, as well as I could with my friend(s) who were there.  Most of my friends weren't there because they weren't forced to go.

I'm sure some of you reading this are wondering, why didn't I run away? Well, I didn't know where to go, and when you live in a big city, it's hard to find a good "hide out", and the police patrolled the area due to a curfew put into place.  Why didn't I just not go?  Well, my mom is very forceful, and my dad threated use of the fucking belt!

Well... Right now, after I realized that I wasn't really there, I had to de-tense, because I didn't need to be so freakin' tense.

Perhaps I'm ready for some ice cream... that sounds good right now...

A little from column A, a little from column B.

Bill Gannon: Are you stalling for time, or are you just senile?
Abe Simpson: A little from column A, a little from column B.

 I don't know exactly how I feel today, but to say that a little from each column please...

 Last night, I felt extremely FAT.

So fat, in fact, that it looked like I was going to develop one of those damn "eaves" or "Fat rolls?".  I dunno how it's called medically, except that when I see it, it looks like where the fat has decided that it's not content to live in one spot, but has decided that it's going to spill, but cannot spill forward, so it just sags the skin outward and down.

I don't have a belly like that.

I took some fiber last night, and this morning, when I got up, prior to using the bathroom, my belly looked more normal again.

So, I suppose it must've been gas & I was full of shit...

My pain meds do cause constipation, and I try to take fiber daily, but perhaps I need to do it twice daily and accept the continuous shitting.

I'm certain that it will eventually help to clear me out and perhaps, like the anorexics, I'll thin out... HA! right.

When Ellie came home from her meeting, I told her that I was concerned as I was having a harder time breathing and wiping my ass... (Yes, wiping my ass... When you have the extra weight, it's harder to reach that area... Don't worry, I'm clean, and can wipe still.)  I wanted to go see the family doctor, but Ellie went off on how I was only supposed to consume xxx number of calories, etc... I told her I wasn't really ready to learn all that just before bed time, and that it was like me spouting off how to do stuff with the computers when she wasn't ready to learn it.  An, "at the time", useless bit of information.

Good thing Ellie doesn't pay attention to my blog, or else she'd probably go off on how much detail I put up there... but it's detail that some people don't otherwise know or experience if they're not getting fat quickly like I am...

In the past 6 months, I've gone from around 290ish to 330ish.

That's a huge weight gain, if you ask me... but what's changed?  Well, I'm at max dosage of Effexor XR (300mg).  I'm also on 5mg of Zyprexa (which is still considered low)... I think the weight gain has more to do with Zyprexa than anything else.

My weight has been pretty much around 270-290 for years, and for me to breach and stay over 300 lbs, is pretty significant.

My diet hasn't really changed much from last year, and in fact, right now, I feel like I'm eating less than I was a year ago.

So what gives?

Should I stop my meds? Probably not.

If I stop my meds, I know that Ellie will completely flip out.

Right now, Ellie is in the garage loading up our trailer to go camping this weekend as a family.

I don't really know if I can handle that much stress, and worry a bit that emotionally it'll tip me over the edge.

Camping is something that my wife and her family have been doing forever, and my family only did it on occasions as it was a pain in the ass to get 6 kids ready to go.

I've done lots of overnight camp outs with my dad & brothers, and week long ventures as a boy scout.

So why are things different now?

• Arthritis
• Migraines
• Bipolar
• Sleep Apnea

I don't know that Ellie understands how much stress this type of adventure can put on me.  There are times, that just going out to dinner sets me off.

Well, more to come, I suppose as the week progresses.

Push it out, shove it out, waaay out... (Bill Cosby.. A very funny fellow)

I love Bill Cosby's sense of humor, and for those of you only familiar with The Cosby Show, you're missing out on his earlier stuff from the 60's & 70's that are totally a riot!

What I'm referring to for pushing, is that Ellie and I have decided that we need to start pushing my uncle into a memory care facility, as he's not always there anymore.

Apparently, at the nursing home, he's gotten in the frame of mind again, that he needs to get into his car and get his wife out on a date, at least once.

I feel bad for him, not because he's going crazy, but that he's going to lose some of his freedom if we push him into that sort of care facility.

He's currently in a nursing home that's already under lock down with a keyed door alarm/system.

The doors cannot be opened unless you have the pass code, and if you're not aware of where the pass code is, you'll never be able to open the door. It's not hidden, it's just that it's written out in a framed "picture" next to the keypad.

I guess their memory patients aren't too keen on reading to figure that out.

What I'm driving at is that when my uncle isn't having an episode of not knowing where he's at or what time of day it is.. (i.e. when he's "sane"), what good is it for him to be locked up?

He loves to be outside and sun himself like a lizard on a rock. This isn't really like tanning, but he loves to enjoy the sunshine.

When you live in a cloudy area of the country like we do, it's nice to be able to go outside and soak up some of those rays, even if you don't want to tan. (I'd burn, I'm so freakin' white.)

So, what do you do?

Do you check a guy into a memory care area, that's locked down for his safety? Or leave him in a place to be normal in, only to have him go off the deep end, and find him hurt on a highway that he's rolled his wheel chair or walker onto?

Here we are! Born to be princes of the universe... (Highlander theme song by Queen)

I dunno much about being born as a prince to the universe.

I suppose, maybe I do, but don't.

Anyhow, it seemed like a good title for this post as I've not much else to really give as a theme.

I'm certain that there are many of you out there, if you read my posts straight through, that you'll notice that my writing style & lingo change. Often day to day.

That's just part of who I am, especially if I've been watching videos on YouTube from other english speaking countries. I will eventually pick up their accents & speaking styles enough that I start to think & speak like them. This translate to how I type up my blogs too.

It's a nice June day, and it's not very warm, but it's also not cold either. I'd say comfortable.

My youngest daughter stayed home from school today with a cold that's been bugging her. Ellie and I also found out that she was "demoted" from being one of the independent students. Her attitude has been really, really bad.

I remember, myself, when I around the same age, that I went through troubles, emotionally & what not.

I suppose that I feel for her as I wonder if she's not exhibiting signs of being bipolar or not.

Ellie discounts most of my thoughts towards this direction, but as I watch her struggle with school, I want to weep.

For me, grade school grade 6 through jr. high school, I wasn't very happy. In fact, mostly down when it came to being in school.

Very depressed when it came to school. If I was out of school, I think I did better.

Got to a point where I hated school, and I worry about my daughter. Over a month ago, she said that she's not been sleeping good and where she had problems staying to asleep.

I immediately thought of my own sleep problems with being bipolar. I don't know...

She's not quite 9.5 years old... She's already dealing with what I would call the first stages of the pain associated with bipolar & depression.

Now, I never was diagnosed as bipolar till I was 39, and I probably should've seen a doctor about my depression & other mood problems when I was 13 or years old, instead of chalking it up as a kid being lazy or what not.

I remember being yelled at by my mom for 30+ minutes at a time for my poor grades & getting office referrals & pink slips for poor marks & participation.

That didn't necessarily make me want to trust my mom with any of my secrets or things that bothered me.

She tried once, and only once, to force me to tell her about a relationship I had with a girl that I didn't want to tell her about it. She sat there arguing with me for a good 20 minutes or so, but I didn't want to tell her anything because it just wasn't her business. My brothers would've caved by then, but I was a stubborn ass.

I don't want to ever do that to my daughters, and I try to be soft & gentle as I can to help them out.

My kids will never have a "party" dad, but they'll have a dad that will take time to listen, they'll have a dad that will encourage them to do whatever their heart desires them to do.

In short, I really am just trying to live a good life...