It's different now than it used to be, and that's good. Right?

Since the last post lots of good and sad and even REALLY SAD things have happened.

I kept looking for work, even drove over 200 miles one day to take a test for getting post office jobs.

That day started good, I was doing dishes, when all of a sudden I remember about it, so I stopped, took everything out of the sink, then left.

While I was gone, Ellie came home and thought I had done nothing, and started to flip out.

She had called her dad, then when I called her she was completely pissed off.

I had to tell her and then prove to her that I this scheduled, then to also show her the text message date and time stamps that I had sent her just before I left.

Ellie was not happy that day still, but she realized she had nothing to really be mad at since I didn't just up and leave for no good reason'

It was shortly after that, when we had a stupid argument over our cat that she left.  She went to school with the Misses and then when they came home, she packed up a shit load of things and they left to her mom's house.

That night, Little Miss stayed with me, and I was glad.  It helped me feel better to have her here.

Now we're still married and reconciled.

BUT! I do want to conceded here, that I almost found out what the barrel of my gun tasted like.  That scared me a LOT.

However, during that few weeks, I spent a LOT of time looking at myself and writing down things and sending them to Ellie.

I started caring for myself and the house better.

Learning how to do yard work that I couldn't previously do.

In short, it was a wake up for me on a personal level, but it also woke me up to things about Ellie that are concerning.  She fights really bad anxiety.  She's VERY babied by her parents, mostly by her mom.

During the summer, while camping, she invited a small family close by to come over and roast marshmallows.  The little girl had never done it before.  After they left, Ellie and I went for a walk and she was really mad because the little family said they were going to come over again the next night so their daughter could do it again.  The child had never done it until that night.  So, Ellie was flipping out because she could not be alone with her family!  It's scary to think that, but it's true.

I did get a job as a driver, but I'm make about 1/4th of what I used to make.

There was a time there where I was signed up to work on the phone doing customer service.  A little bit into it, I realized their customers were all morons, and my own anxiety was getting to me and I was starting to use my pain meds to cope.  I also realized that they wanted me to help people who wanted to cancel their service stay with them.  That makes sense, but the way they did that was to offer them free stuff, then bill the hell out of them several months later for the new services and devices.  Fuck that.  So I left them, over my own moral convictions.  This was before the temporary split, so it did fuel that tension too.

It.'s all good now, but we had very little money, Ellie is a school teacher and we spent way too much money for her classroom supplies.  She also spent way too much money on these summer trips that were supposed to be paid for by the girls club...

This next year, employment for her will be up in the air too.  Her job is only for this school year and instead of teaching a dedicated grade still, she's now teaching specialized children.  Her pay goes up, but it also means we'll need to work on getting her additional college courses to get the special education endorsement.

In all honesty, I hate the education system and it's rife with hypocrysy

Need to find your family? Win the Lottery... or join Facebook.

I recently joined the existing shit load of people on Facebook.

Immediately after I created my account added only my sisters as friends, ALL of my family was befriending me.  I felt like the pork chop tied around the neck of the ugly kid to get the dog to play with him.

The reason why I joined Facebook was to promote my self-publishing efforts I'm doing through the Amazon Kindle Self Publishing service.

It's really a nasty bit of mobbing by everyone on there.

You can't post any read only comments/updates.

This means EVERYONE can post to your comment...

I've had brothers post "cute" dumbass replies, and my own mom replying to a post... "why doesn't my little boy call?"

WTF posts like that?

If you want...

SHIT.

What a FUBAR system.  I'm really close to just cutting the whole fucking thing off.  Except that I want to promote my books/stories.

It's not easy being cheesy... or was it being green?

Recently though, I noticed one of my nieces posting about mental health troubles...

I know what that's like to go through.  It appears that it's all brand new to her.

I suggested that she watch the videos from BipolarStateOfBeing on YouTube.  Not the newest ones, but the original ones from 5+ years ago.  They helped me the most.

Originally I thought about letting her know about this blog... but I really don't want this to get around to my brothers, sisters, parents, etc.  then back around to my family here.  Especially back to Ellie.

I suppose when/if I die, then Ellie will know about this blog, and so will the Misses.  Until then, I'll just keep doing what I do.

It's healthy to journal your life, and even if this is just one side of my life, it's OK.

At least, my family gets to eventually see this part of my life, if they do at all.

Being unemployed is a lot of work..

I never wanted to use social media.  I still feel that it exposes you to the world, and then you need to watch what you post and what other people post about you.

Previous to being unemployed, I was almost completely missing, even though I've had a huge presence through my coding and technical documents I wrote for my employer.

Since my name was never published with my technical articles or my applications and utilities, I really don't have any proof for new employers of what I've done.

The source code I wrote for those utilities belongs to my last employer, so I cannot even share it or possibly even use it with a new employer.

So, what do I have to show for my work?

"Hey, I have written lots of technical docs, busted out hundreds of thousands of lines of code... but I can't prove it aside from just saying it."

Kinda fucked up when you're working with the intellectual rights between employers.

Going back to all the work, I spent many hours setting up a Facebook account ot use for promoting my books & stories.

It turned more into a shit fest of: "Oh, look there's my brother... oh look there's my little boy... oh look there's...  Oh, that picture is Awesome!  45 people "liked" your photo(s)..."

So WTF?

Why do I need to be notified that someone liked a picture of my bare ass?

I mean seriously?

Who cares?

I updated my profile photo with a picture taken 5 years ago, and everyone is like, "Wow, that's a great photo.".... and all I want to say is... "yeah it is... All of you have copies of it from the same damn family reunion we were all at!"

Then there's my mom... "I need you to call me..."  "That's a great photo of my "little boy""... Holy shit!  WTF would someone post shit like that to a site where most of that shit is public?


I should post something like, "here's the damn bitchy lady who used to yell at me about how poor my fucking grades were"  OR "Thanks for yelling at us kids for not putting the fucking lights on the Christmas trees correctly, when you wouldn't do it or even show us WTF you wanted done!"  OR  "WTF didn't you get an idea that I was depressed and my grades were bad about it.... Why couldn't you try and help me, instead of yelling at me!?"

Now, enough with bitching about Facebook and the idiots who use it.

Getting back to working hard being unemployed.

I setup a LinkedIn account, and spent several days filling in the various parts of the forms, and employers, and work experience, and projects I worked on, and then "connecting" with all the people I worked with over the years.

Now, the people I connected with are those that I trust.  There are shit loads of others from my last employer that I really, REALLY don't want to be associated with.

Hell most of the people aside from those I actually like are complete assholes!

Some of them are idiots and can't pour water from a boot with instructions on its heel.

A lot of them are heavy drinkers and drug users...  Yet, since this employer didn't do any drug screening, nothing was found, even though they were pretty damn fucked up sometimes.

So, getting back to LinkedIn (again), I think that I am now publicly visible through Google searches... Whoopie fucking deal.

Actually, I did several searches on my first & last name, then first name, middle initial, last name.

I found only "public" phone records, and a reference to my Facebook profile.

Otherwise, I am going to be confused with LOTS of other people with the same name, including several sports stars.

In short, it seems like a lot of fucking work for almost nothing...

Except that I had a great phone interview for an IT position, where the interviewer said she wants to meet with me and their other IT people for a formal interview.

w00t!?

I need the job... but I'm not sure how excited I am yet..

At least today I'm not feeling very excited.

I haven't been sleeping good for a variety of things.. one might be the pain in my legs still... (duh)  Another would be heavy caffeine use from not sleeping... (duh, again)  another could be the drop in pain medication.

The pain I have is being controlled almost completely with Acetaminophen these days instead of the opiods I had been taking.

It's a great thing to be off of them, for the most part... but it's also a possible reason why I'm not sleeping good.. it's allowing the pain to hit me harder at night, when the small doses I took through the day have worn off.

Right now, I am taken less than 1/8th of what I was taking three weeks ago.  In fact, I'm taking less than 1/2 of what I was using last week.

Hell, I'm not even using the muscle relaxers on any sort of regular basis.  I took some last night because I hurt my back on Saturday... and to hope they'd help put me to sleep... (HA!)

I did manage to sleep 4 hours last night, and if it continues with caffeine use the rest of the week... can anyone say... "Welcome to the Himalayas?"  I mean... "Welcome to a good old mania time?"

Oh fucking well.

I saw it coming... It still doesn't mean it's not FUBAR.

I don't know if I previously posted my thoughts about wanting to retire and actually hoping it happened, in some sort of secret, good way.

I didn't actually retire, but I was retired, if you will.

My employment with my company after almost a full 20 years has been ended.  I didn't do anything to warrant getting laid off, except I think I did... sort of.

I was laid off as part of a reduction in force, which is better than just getting fired.

It means that I was laid off with approx 6 months of pay and benefits, and they had to cash out all of the paid time off I accrued.

Now, I wasn't trying to get laid off on purpose, but I wasn't trying as hard as I might have been able to.  Although, I was trying damn hard to keep my job.

I dunno, it's hard to say.

With sleeping problems due to bipolar and arthritis that was #1 against me working really well.  Then #2 the heavy use of opiod pain killers.  I'm not addicted to them, wherein I'm not taking them for any sort of  a buzz or high.  I need them physically due to the pain.

I know when I no longer need them for pain, I'm going to have emotional problems weaning away from them, because of all the years that I've been taking them.

Then again I might not.

So here's the skinny of the work situation:

• I was not trying to get laid off on purpose.
• I was having problems working due to pain & bipolar sleep patterns.
• Emotionally, I was cracking because of the problems with sleep, etc.
• I needed to get away and take a break from things and taking vacation time wasn't going to be enough.
• Knee replacement was a HUGE deal with me.  (See sleep & emotional notes above.)
• If there was going to be a reduction in force, I was considering telling my manager to put me on the list...

See, I didn't want to be laid off, but I wasn't going to discourage it if it came to it.

When it comes to a business decision, it was what I was expecting.

I'd seen this same behavior before from this employer.

Their budget is too high and they need to reduce, this is how they do it:

1. They look at the top level/higher paid groups.
2. If they see that they have "too many" individuals that are on a team, they skim them off.
3. Managers are more expendable than grunts.
4. IT and other infrastructure staff are expendable.
5. By cutting higher level managers/staff, more grunt positions can be saved and customer facing work doesn't "change".

Well, I was a developer for a Tech Support tool, and they saw "too many" in the USA that were employed.

As a developer though, once you come up with a working concept and the infrastructure is in place, they can outsource your code and project to India and can your ass.

In truth, I was glad to get laid off, and I'm not worried about the future in any sort of sense.  I'm at peace with things and I expect to pick up the pieces and keep going.

Well...

I suppose that there is to say about the work situation.

My first knee surgery is coming up next week.

I'm excited to get it fixed...

but I'm also a bit anxious... I want it to be successful... Not the recovery, but the whole procedure, where they put me to sleep and then the cutting/shaping.

OK, it's not the cutting.  It's just the scenario that I might not wake up.

I don't want to leave my family yet.

I love them.

"I'm bored", Francis said, "Let's steal a car"

That line is from one of my new favorite quirky songs, Old Friends by Ylvis. (

https://youtu.be/D2NtlTFQznA)

 

If you haven't seen the video, take time to watch it.

You'll either laugh at it, or stand aghast.

I'm not going to do anything in that video...

I'm just bored.

I can work, but I want someone to talk to.

It's hard for Ellie to understand it sometimes.

Recently, Ellie wants me to perform like I did when I was in my 20s.

Well, things just don't work like anymore.

I am thinking more and more about just moving all my work hardware back to the fucking corporate site and driving there day or night whenever I need to work.

For the past 7 years, I've worked at home 99.9999% of the time.

It's gotten old, and I want my office & desk back.

I really don't like coming in here after I'm done working.

It kind of defeats the need for my office or desire to do anything with my other hobbies.

Since I was put on Zyprexa, I'm now very fucking tired for half of the day, until it wears off.

Working from home makes this hard to deal with.

Ellie will basically ride my ass until I'm out of bed.

She doesn't say anything, but instead, makes the bed while I'm still in it.

When she does this, she isn't really considerate about it.

She flips the blankets all over, turns on the fucking overhead light fairly bright everytime.

Whenever I worked at the corporate office, I usually showered and dressed in as low of light as I could.  That way she could sleep longer.

These days, it seems that she's just not being considerate or compassionate towards me or others.

Hell, I don't know if she's even nice in the classroom with the special need kids these days.


I love her, and I think that she's getting burned out from working.

One or more of the children in their classroom has been much more needy these days.

Ellie's not the teacher for the classroom, so I don't know if she's being assigned to work with the kid(s), or if she's volunteering.

Now Ellie will usually volunteer and try to fix and patch things up.

That's why she's started spending a lot of time at Sally's house.

Sally and her husband are hoarders.

There's so much shit in their house, that they were given new kitchen cabinets and they might not be installed.

I remember seeing the new cabinets in their kitchen years ago.  I couldn't help them do it at the time, and I'm not sure if anyone else I know with skills helped them.

Ellie and the Misses spend 4+ hours the Friday of Memorial Day weekend and brought down an old couch and shit loads of other trash & junk.

That was only from ONE room in their upstairs.

They also have several other rooms and attic spaces crammed full of junk!

We know when Ellie has finished helping them clean up everything, that the hoarding will go back to usual.

See, the reason why Ellie is helping them, is that Sally & Husband need to get a loan to get their electrical system update.

The house is so messed up, it should be condemned.

Plumbing in there is old and messed up, walls have mold, attics are full of old mattresses & rags, etc, that there are probably mice, opossums, etc living in them, and their electrical wiring is FUBAR.

But...

Sally's husband inherited the house that was all paid off.

All Sally & Husband need to do is maintain insurance and Taxes for the property.

They both have mental health issues.

Sally is one of those "bat shit fucking crazy" Bipolar people.  Ok, she's not completely crazy, but she's definitely not firing on all cylinders.

Her husband has... I don't know, nor do they really have a 100% idea of what's wrong.

I think it's crazy shaken (not stirred) cocktail of schizophrenia, ADHD, and depression.

For me though, I am bored because I just want someone to chat with.

Ellie was sick over the weekend, and whenever I felt the possible urge to be intimate with her, I refrained from trying to get worked up.

The rest of the time Ellie wants to do it, it's really late at night, I'm tired as hell from the Zyprexa side affect...

That and I'm not feeling very close to her, because we just don't spend time with each other.

Last week, she put on a movie in the front room to watch it, instead of hinting that spend time in the bedroom.

Even if we don't do the humpy-dumpy, it's nice to just spend time interacting with each other.  Like playing cribbage or backgammon or even just chatting about stuff we did or want to do.

I love Ellie and several months ago we were really going at it, I felt so much closer to her than I do now.

Just seems that I can't get her to slow down and spend time with me.

I've bitched, moaned and ranted enough time.

Keep your stick on the ice.

Here it is again.

I'm tired as heck again.

The mania still seems to be going on.

It's not a fun mania this time.

It's been more of the pissed off & irritated state one.

Yesterday, it was a very highly sensory overload day.

Ellie was reacting very, very badly and adversely.

It was almost like she had to react, yell at me and all but sit on me and pummel me.

Now these are my perceptions.

I know that she was reacting how she thought she should be.

Her compassion is almost gone, it seems.

Let me get another insight here.

She works with autistic children.

About half of these kids run into sensory overload and start bouncing off the walls, screams, etc.

I'm trying hard to hold things in, but it's very hard like it was yesterday.

All I wanted to do was be left alone, if you will.

But Ellie wasn't going to leave me be.

It seemed that everything that I tried to do to minimize things just pissed her off.

Nothing that I was doing was personal towards anyone.

I was just trying to minimize things.

How do you like it when you're sensitive to the light and sound?  Even to touch?

It sucks.

Open up and say ahh.

Well...

I am actually sad...

but...

I'm glad...


Recently, I've been having more mental health crisis problems than I have in a long time.

Ellie's also been riding my ass about taking days off from work.

I feel that I am taking advantage of my employer by "working" and not doing anything.

Doing that, hasn't been helping me because I don't want to do my job because all I do is sit there at that computer and don't do anything.

So...

Open Up and Say Ahh...

Today, Ellie and I continued a "discussion" we were having last night.

I stopped "working" and laid on the bed crying because I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Come on, any of you with depression or bipolar understand that when you're not feeling very good, you often don't know what wrong.

Anyhow, we finally decided together, because it was so late, that I should go downtown to the mental health care center/hospital.

It was really fucked up.

When they admitted me so that I could talk with them, I was lead into their locked environment, and asked to change into the "safe" paper hospital clothes.

Now, I told them I wasn't suicidal, etc.  Even though, I was kind of tempted a little bit, but I wasn't going to do anything.

So, I had to get into their scrubs...

They were monitoring me, and when they had all of my clothes, but my undershorts and socks, I said out loud, why didn't you take my socks too?

A short time later, one of the nurses came over and swapped out my socks.. well, duh!?

Their fucking camera/monitoring system works, right?

Oh well.

While I was in their room, I could hear some kid out there singing the alphabet song, then the Elmo song, etc...

That was sucky.

Then I also was getting pissed because they took my clothes, and I began to look around and see what was setup.

They were pretty thorough.

The benches I was on, were bolted down to the floor.  The lights in the ceiling were screwed shut, as was the light fixture.

What they didn't account for was that their "safe" clothes...

even though they were "paper", they were sewn up with thread.  They were strong enough, I could've rolled them up and hung myself.  Along with the thread, I could've used it for cutting my wrists, etc.

Oh well...

I'm sure I just kicked myself in the crotch for admitting it here.

Well, if I didn't write things how I see them, then how else will anyone see it too?

I was released after discussing how messed up my sleep patterns have been and that Ellie's been riding my ass so much.

What I'm supposed to do now is to start Zyprexa and try increasing it to 10 mg from the 2.5 I have now.

Well...

I took all of my meds, including the 2.5mg of Zyprexa...

Now I'm getting tired, and perhaps this will really help me out.

I needed the help.

I'd rather not go back ever again...

I think it's going to happen sooner than I expect.

More and more recently, it's been feeling like it's going to happen.

What's going to happen you say?

My desire to keep working for my employer is waning really bad.

Yesterday I was working "OK", I guess.

But, I really haven't been working full speed for almost a year now.

What I mean by full speed is that... well..

Hell, it's hard to say.

Maybe I can compare it to driving a car.

For me, full speed is over 100 MPH.

While half is closer to 60 MPH.

The past year, I've been averaging about 5-20 MPH.

It really sucks.

I don't know what to do, or where to go.

It think I'm going to start applying for SSI, Disability soon, then to wind up retiring while I continue to write and attempt to publish my books, stories and poetry.

I'm afraid, and I don't know where to turn.

I'm afraid it's too late to stop things...

Follow up from my major melt down a few weeks ago.

It took me a while to really get calmed down, but it happened.

The week or two, I've actually been working!

I know, right? *grunt*
Big miss and one of her friends a few years back said that phrase ALL the time.

This is helpful.

Well, I still fought with this HR chick.

The bossman got on me about getting the forms all filled out.

About the same time as the meltdown, I dusted off the All-In-One Printer/Scanner/Copier/Fax/Cappuccino/Julian Fries machine.

I printed out all the forms needed for the disability request/accommodation and faxed them to the Orge (Shrink), and my PCP.

That Monday after my melt down, the Ogre had an appointment for me to visit him.  He told me to take Zyprexa, which I still haven't done yet.  He also filled out the forms based on our discussion about the questions on the forms.

Those questions on the forms are VERY vague for mental health disabilities.

Actually it's the same form for ALL disabilities.

Last week, I faxed the form from the Ogre to HR the day after he filled it in.

Then I called my PCP and they said they'd get it done.

Turns out, that the FAX # on their site is the wrong one for the Doctor.

I refaxed the document.

Yesterday, they had it ready.

Then, of course, I faxed the forms to HR.

The forms from the PCP said that the need to work from home would is dependent on reducing the pain on my knees.

AKA, if the knees are replaced and therapy is successful, and I'm on MUCH lower or no regular usage of pain killers, then I could work from the Office again.

Which is what I've been hoping for these past 3 years or so.

I had a really, really time sleeping this week so far, and I'm starting to doze off really badly.

I'm going to call this post done and keep trying to work for a few more house.

It's been a while.

I went through a tough week or two emotionally.

I wound up in a manic state, but a really nasty type of manic state.

It's one of those fight or flight phases, but I mostly wanted to fight.

The mood problems are fueled by people at work, but mostly trying to control the anger I have regarding my knees.

Right now, I can probably get back into that state if I start to think about it again.

Just thinking that the knee replacement is going to be delayed again makes me want to punch a hole through the wall.

Last night Ellie started to bring up the meeting with the new surgeon, and I had to ask her to stop.

I don't need to start getting pissed all over again about it.

Well...

I didn't sleep good last night.... Again...

It wasn't the anger/mania...

Yes, it was knee pain... again... :(

It was in the middle of the left knee on the inside. (Medial, I think?)

Then the large cat of mine decided she had to get up on it and knead it, which made it hurt worse.

Rolling over to re-position it made my right hip hurt.

Even when I got up they both hurt.

Just seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  (Very cliche, right?)

Well...

I dunno.

Shit just happens, I guess. (Another cliche)

I guess to quote Stephen King's, "Dreamcatcher"..

Fuck me Freddy.

Manual Entry - Monday, December 4, 2012

I found two more entries in a small journal that I had started using for keeping track of my story/poetry ideas.

Awoke at 2:30, laid in bed and attempted to sleep again until 3:30.

Got into tub of hot water and took a good bath.  Shaved face.

After getting report code adjusted, found some anomalies in the logic due to changes in the data captured.  I need to re-adjust the query for data so that processes without a true binary running.

Elder's quorum pres. stopped by.  Good chatting with them.

I think I have a kidney stone...

My pecker was hurting really badly.

Manual Entry - Sunday, December 2, 2012

I found two more entries in a small journal that I had started using for keeping track of my story/poetry ideas.

Yesterday, about 10:30 AM or so, I began to feel really good.

Sort of like, "George Nelson" from "O Brother Where Art Thou?"

Even today, I feel the best I've felt in weeks.  I slept good and woke up early and on my own.

In short, I feel good.  Still in the sort of mood like George Nelson.

After Big Miss's Swim practice, I'm going to work in the shop on some stones.

I'm going to carve, in Hebrew, "Shalom Aleichem".  Or in otherwords, "Peace be unto you."

I"ll make one for Dxx and Jxx..  Maybe the Bishop.

I have to write this down before I leave.

This last week, I've started to have that fight or flight type of feeling, with my heart racing off/on.  Or at least it feels like it's racing.

It was also because of the depression and anger from my cancel knee replacement.

The last few days, I've taken half of 25mg of Seroquel at night.

I know, I know, I know.

It messes with my blood pressure, but it's the only thing that can calm down what's happening to me.

Today, I'm going out to Ellie's folk's house with the Misses.

Ellie's mom asked for some help with her computer.

Well, I asked for the computer to be here, so that I can backup/image the drive.

Then I could start work on it...

Or

Get it ready to do a system restore, patch & upgrade everything, then restore her individual files.

She didn't want to do that.

She "needed" her data there too much to let me have it.

Well, I'm not certain what's up her butt about it... but there is.

Of course, she's still acting cold towards me...

That is...

Until she needs/wants something from me.

Then she's all buddy/pal/pal with me.

Well, I am still having trouble with the fight or flight problem...

AND

I've had a nasty sinus attack in the last hour.

The last few days I've been battling a nasty cold.

Today, I thought I'd use a sinus rinse with a nose "douche" to wash out my sinuses.

I got a lot of green goo out, but it also triggered my sinus attack.

Just now, I'm starting to feel better, but that's probably from the pain killer I took and the Claritin.

Which means it's more than likely allergy related and not a cold.

Or perhaps it's a sinus infection.

Or perhaps, again, what got washed up into the upper sinuses that's causing the pain finally moved/released/drained/etc.

I just hope that whatever is giving me the fight or flight is calmed down now.

It usually agitates me into an angry state and I tend to lash out.

That and I usually just become the worlds biggest asshole.

God bless, and remember this Easter that Jesus lives!

I'll have to settle for a snowball because the consistency of shit varies too much.

At the time where my surgery was canceled, I was communicating with the short term disability company and HR.

When it was cancelled, I told them to cancel things and that I'd deal with the pain until the doctors could fix it.

Well, the HR chick got a bug up her ass about the "pain", and in her effort to "help" me, she actually made things worse.

On Friday, she asked that I call.

During the call, she started into how I should fill out this form, and that form, etc.

Then she started asking for more information that I really shouldn't have given her.

It really, really felt like a fucking ambush.

Today, I really, really regret talking to her.

I told her this in an email today.

She replied and asked if she should transfer this to another person.

DO YOU THINK?

Shit.

Then I sent her a reply that the email started out cancelling the Short Term Disability, and turned into a huge mess.

My anxiety already pretty high and my emotions are really fucked up.

Hell, a few hours ago, I left a message with my shrink about the possible need to start on antidepressants again.

I asked for Zoloft, because I know that doesn't fuck me up too much.

It's been over an hour since I sent the reply and she hasn't replied yet.

I think I'm just going to ignore her for a while and see what happens.

Perhaps this chick will just drop it.

Because I really don't know how much longer I can endure this stress.

Don't worry.... Be Happy... BE WHAT?

One of my recent posts went into an argument that Ellie and I had.

Part of what I was thinking about while writing that post, I wanted to continue in another post.

It was regarding the use of pain meds...

But...

More importantly, it's being or becoming your ailments.

What I mean, is that I often become my pain.

Almost EVERYONE becomes their pain or ailments.

I know this, because as I was reading through my old journal entries, I noticed that a LOT of what I was feeling like.

Even over the past few years, I noticed that one of the first things I've talked about with people, or where things go is towards the pain I experience.

In the past, without the pain, I was always discussing thing I did, or things I saw, things I wanted to do...

Instead of

"Oh HOLY CRAP this HURTS!"

Or

"I just hurt all the time!"

Now that I look at it and think about it, it sucks, and I'd rather not chat with people who are like that.

It's boring and makes that person just seem unlikable.

I notice that Ellie does this about school/work/woman's club stuff.

Ellie's mom does this ALOT about the same things.

There was one night, they stopped by to take us out to dinner.

I hadn't had a chance to talk to Ellie that night, and I never, EVER got a word in until they left the house to go get into their car.

Then I was upset and talked to Ellie for a few minutes before we got there.

I really feel sorry for Ellie's dad.

He's a really, really good guy.

He's not quite like my father, but he's someone I greatly admire.

There are times, I wonder how much he actually says.

Don't get my wrong.

I love Ellie's mom.

Recently though, it seems that she's always giving me a cold shoulder, no matter what the situation is.

Then when she needs something she's over friendly, etc.

I'm really tempted, if this doesn't change, to just tell her no.

No matter how nice you can be, if I'm constantly getting the cold shoulder from people, I just don't want to help them anymore.

WTF help someone who's just ignoring you?

Anyhow, going back around to the start of this post.

You, me, myself and I, should think about who we are, more than what we're going through.

It's not fun to become your ailment, and definitely not fun for anyone to talk to you.

I know it's really hard to not be what's hurting or bothering you.

Like, I need to back off talking about being Bipolar and how bad the pain in my legs hurts.

Here's the last part of a sermon/talk from a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I call it the "Salad" part of his talk:

Elder James B. Martino taught, “In our trials, let us not become bitter or uncommitted, but let us follow the Savior’s example of becoming more earnest, more sincere, and more faithful. ... Let us not complain, … let us serve others, and let us forgive one another. As we do this, all things will work together for good to us that love God.”

It's a Salad, because of the number of times he says: "let us"

I only think about his words from a video I found several months ago, when I was struggling called "Reflections". (https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/reflections)

When I watch or hear it, it really gives me something to think about.

I'm a bit anxious... but I don't know why...

Ellie and I have a great relationship...

I think.

I mean, I love her and she says she loves me.

But today, I'm anxious about it.

It's probably nothing...

...again...

It's only founded on the idea that she might not want the Misses here after I return home from the surgery.

I'd like to have them home on the Friday or Saturday after the surgery is over.

I want to see and spend time with my girls.

Granted, it might only be for watching movies, but perhaps we can dye our Easter eggs that day.

We like to do silly stuff like that.

In fact, I'd like to take them out today to shop for our Easter dying kits, just to see what is out there.

I've made up my mind...

I'm going to take them out after I pick them up from school today to look for the dye kit.

Maybe it'll be a local pharmacy chain, because Wal-Mart & the other store we go to in town have basically the same kits.

The pharmacy usually has different things, and more novelty items.  That and they'll have seasonal treats that we'll buy as part of our monthly treat "program".

Big Miss and I started this tradition last year.

We decided that we were going to go out once a month when I pick her up on Weds' early release day and get a treat.

It could be ice cream treat from DQ or a milk shake from the local burger joint... or some sort of candy treat from the stores we shop at those days.

So today, I think it'll be something from the pharmacy when we pick up the egg dying kit.

As for Ellie and I...

It's probably nothing at all...

I just don't like it when she starts talking to her parents about when/where the Misses might be/go without talking to me first.

I just love being with my daughters.

Just as much as I love being with Ellie.

It helps me to be calm and strong.

Even though, in the past, before I got help & treatment for Bipolar Disorder, I was a complete asshole at times.

I love them all.

Being upset with a foul mouth like mine can really get you into trouble.

Friday night, Ellie, the Misses & I went to a local food place to eat "in".  It's kind of a fast food place, but it makes almost full meals, and you order and bring it home.

I didn't necessarily feel good at first, mostly because it almost always seems that no one can just getup and go out somewhere.

Well at the place we were ordering from, I couldn't really read their freakin' menu and what I ordered was supposed to be "mini" because I wasn't really hungry.

On the way home, Ellie started into her tirade about how my car makes this noise, or that noise and that she didn't think it was safe...

blah
blah
blah

Well, I got pissed when we got home and I left the car telling her that perhaps she should get it fixed and quit complaining about it so much.

Maybe I didn't say it, but I sure as heck thought it.

Well, when we got inside, the kids were trying to distribute the food and I was doing something else.

When I saw the size of the "mini" thing, I got pissed.

I thought Ellie had ordered it and I didn't want anything that big at all!

I tried to cut it in half, then decided I should quarter it.

When I couldn't do it easily I gave up on the thing.

We had been watching the "Heroes" TV series on DVD's recently.

I told them to just start it and that I didn't care.

Ellie started to push me to sit down and watch it, even when I said I didn't care and that they should just watch the shows anyway.

I was tired, but Ellie really cornered me out there in front the Misses and I got mad and told her that I was going to sit here, even though I didn't want to.

Then she went into how I should take a pill...

Well, I got mad and told her that I was OK and to just leave me alone.

So, I sat there and knit a few rows of this nightmare of a project.

Then I got so tired I told her I was going to bed.

I wasn't mad, I wasn't upset...

I was just TIRED.

After all, I haven't slept good in weeks! or more!

Well, I went into the bedroom, laid down.

I woke up on Saturday...

I mean, I woke up only on Saturday morning, and I was still mad about the car.

So we started talking about it.

Now, I had talked to a mechanic several times about it, and it's a noisy power steering pump.

I talked to the mechanics several times.

Ellie just knows that it makes noise and said that the mechanic said it needed to be replaced.

Well, this got to be a "I'm a better expert" or "I know more than you do" conversation... again...

I got mad, and pissed, so I told her if she knew so f-ing much then she should get it fixed.

Well, Ellie flew into a pissed off tirade and said that she should leave.

I told her to go.

I was mad, and she was mad.

I am just mad that she can't just stop and listen sometimes.

Seriously, I know she hears me, but doesn't always listen.

She left, really, really pissed off.

Before she left, I asked her if she was going to wake up the Misses and drive being as pissed off as she was.

She stopped for a second and then left.

I got worried, because she didn't take her phone.

Finally, I looked at the calendar and realized she had a nail appointment around the same time.

Ellie did return home and showed me her nails, but she was still really pissed off.

A bit later, I decided I was going to crawl under the house to spread some insecticide around the kitchen area.

During my crawling endeavour, I hurt my knee several times, banged my head and started to really feel suffocated from all the gear I had on. (Gloves, long sleeved shirt, bandanna around my mouth, etc)

This didn't help anything.

I finally decided after I couldn't really get to where I wanted to get easily, I crawled out.

When I got out, I stepped into the shower full dressed.

I did this because the knee surgery process is highly focused on an almost sterile process before the surgery.  I wanted to minimize the amount of "non-normal" dirt in the house.

The shoes got rinsed/washed out well, the socks, long sleeved coat, pants, shirts, etc...

As I did this I tossed them onto floor.

When I was done, and dried, I went into the bathroom, threw them into a hamper and drug it back to the utility room.

Swearing and using the f-word most of the time whenever things really hurt.

When I finally sat down, it hit me that Ellie had been avoiding me, with the exception of any direct questions.

It was shortly after that, when Ellie and I talked about things.

We discussed how the F-word was, really, really bad... and Ellie is VERY offended that it was used towards her.

We talked about the car, which I reminded her was possibly the 4th or 6th time we had this discussion about the car in the last 4 months.

Part of this discussion went into things that we hadn't been doing, which turned out that we're not communicating about very good (figures right?)...

Ellie said that she had to be able to express her feelings or she would feel controlled.

I told her the same thing and that I, more often than not, don't do and usually feel that she never let me do...

She thought about it and I think she did understand that it did happen.

Finally, we got to how I was being cornered the night before about the damn TV show.

She apologized for it.

Then we discussed the Bipolar Disorder problems.

Bipolar is a terrible thing to deal with.

It's not for sissies on either side of it.

You can't be a sissy and suffer with it...

Nor can you be a sissy and be married or involved with a Bipolar person.

If you've been following this blog, you know that I am abhorred by the actions that have happened in the past and even recently because of the problems being bipolar causes.

Ellie thought I was using being Bipolar as an "excuse" for things, but I told her that I don't hide behind it and I really don't think it was fair.

I accept the actions that I took, although I can say that being Bipolar influences a lot of my actions.

I pointed out those journal entries that I recently added to this blog... How I realized the problem was there and I had to do something.

It was a real big problem trying to figure out how to deal with things...

I never tried to hide and excuse my stupid actions as... "I'm sorry, my bipolar made me do that".

Bipolar does affect things and at least these days, I realize that a problem is happening...

Unfortunately I might not realize it right away....

But I AM trying really, really hard to recognize when a problem is happening and to think, why am I doing this?

Am I really justified in my actions and thoughts?

As part of my journal entries, I told Ellie that the pain from those sinus headaches was also a very large problem and influence on my actions.

These days, I rarely get sinus problems, since I started using or have a cool mist humidifier running almost all the time I'm working.

Or I suppose, I am in an an environment with higher humidity.

My intake of pain killers for the sinus pain is almost 0 these days.

I'm very, very excited for this upcoming knee replacement.

It's part of the final steps towards the elimination of my major source of pain.

In short, because I'm rambling on and the ramble is going to be another entry...

I love Ellie!

It's not that we can't disagree.

It's just that I need to keep my dang mouth in check around everyone more often and keep away from the F-Word..

Which is really hard for me whenever I'm under great duress.

The duress/stress/pain only contributes to the problem...

It does not make me use the word.

I'm sorry my dearest Ellie!

Manual Entry - Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Finally sitting down fro a bit.  Dammit! I need to get the suit coat done.

Yesterday, I was a bit of a mess.  I started OK, but I started to look at what needed to be done and I started to panic.  I had almost everything under control except that I didn't know I had an eye exam at 2:15, which is before the girls get out of school.

The doctor office said I could be late, so we arrived @ 2:40.  Afterwords we went home to have the kids do homework and ate the left over pizza for dinner.

Today was even crazier, at least I didn't freak out and need to take a Xanax, like Monday before the Dr. appt.

After stopping work, drove kids to school for literacy night, then to dance classes then to church activity.

I took the Dark Tower VII with me and read during dance class and practiced banjo during church activity.

Man, I need to practice playing more.  My fingers need the work out.

I haven't taken any Ambien since Sat. night.  I don't like to take sleeping aids when home alone with the girls.

Last night or should I say this morning my hips hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep for an hour or two, around 1:00AM.

I should've taken something for pain but, I didn't and I didn't sleep for a bit because it hurt so bad!

Tonight, I'll take something for pain if I need to, but it often wakes me up and I can't sleep anyway, at least the pain will fade faster.

Manual Entry - Monday, April 30, 2012

A lot has happened since the last entry.

My eyes are still kind of messed up, but are getting better it seems.  I stopped Cymbalta and started into a hypo-manic episode that really kicked off the 23rd.

From waking up Monday through Tuesday around 1:30 Tuesday, I did not sleep.

I did work, from 12:00AM-6:30AM.  Afterwords, I laid in bed, watched "Young Guns."  Read some books, did a few crosswords and finally took a benadryl and slept for about 3-4 hours.

Tuesday night it happened again, instead of 12:00AM, I started at 11:00PM.  Worked till 5:00AM or so.

While I was working, I was working hard.  Really hard.  Best that I could describe it is as though I was the character "Neo" from "The Matrix", when he realized he could see the code and the make up of everything around him.  I too got to a point where the code base & framework that was new to me all made sense.

Weds. morn, after work, I took another benadryl and slept till 3:30PM.

I want to step back a bit, and mention that I started to step back into my mood/nasty state.  Ellie and I agreed I needed a change.  Dr. Bxxx upped the Gabapentin to 1 capsule twice a day.  That was on Tuesday, I think.

Weds. night, I took half an Ambien and waited till close to 1:00 AM before I went out.

Thursday, I awoke OK, got a lot of work done.  Noticed that I felt like I was enraged, but I didn't have a cause.  I talked Cliff's ear off to/from our banjo class.  Not normal talking, but high speed communications.

Since the increase of Gabapentin, I've been waking up early morning, taking a piss & then all but collapsing in bed to sleep again.

Friday morning wasn't much different except I awoke around 1:30AM.

While pissing, my knees buckled.  Yes, I was standing and my knees rammed into the sides of the bowl and I collapsed all the way down and laid on my back.

I didn't think that I made much noise, but it got Ellie up.  I don't even remember if I finished peeing or not, or if it just ran all over the floor.

Ellie managed to help me to bed.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  Ellie wanted me to go to the E.R.

I refused, since all I wanted was to sleep.

After a lot of moaning by me and arguing by Ellie, I had her take my B.P.  It was very low. 84/52.

At that point, I consented to let Ellie call 911.

The E.M.T. measured by BP too and it was already a bit higher.

Since we paid for Fire-Med, I consented for them to take me to the E.R.

Before leaving the curb, they installed an I.V. line & did an EKG.

While at the E.R.:

• I slept a bit.
• Swore/cusses/etc
• Managed to stand & pee again.
• With more swearing, because Ellie was too aggressive with the urinal
•  Let them do an EKG, with the more precise machines.

In short, I could've stayed at home and slept really well and not cussed much more.

Once more, I need to interject a missing tidbit here.

Thursday morning, I got a call in response to a message I left with Dr. Bxxxx on Weds.  They suggested & urged me to see a Dr. that day (Thursday).

I saw Dr. Pxxxx, not the one I thought he was, but his brother.

I hashed out what was happening about insomnia, anger/rage, migraines, arthritis, that the brain/head MRI & blood tests were all normal.

SO WTF?

I cussed in front of him, I told him that I was really tired and that my dad was diagnosed as bipolar and I remembered some of his mood swings.

I further explained that I found a woman's bipolar video/youtube Blog and before I really knew it, I watched everyone of her videos and felt connected.

Dr. Pxxxx had been researching on his iPhone and said he agreed with me.  He gave me samples of Seroquel.

Told me to keep taking the Gabapentin and take 2 Seroquel a ngiht.

So I did, and now, you have the full insight of what happened before my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.

The rest... WAIT!  One more item!  I used a few 10mg oxycodone pills Thursday and the last one was around 7:00PM.

The rest of the weekend, I pretty much did nothing else but slept.  I did go to church on Sunday and stood when my name was called, to accept a calling as a Ward missionary.  I didn't stay to be set apart, because I was tired and not feeling well.

I pulled out the banjo and sat practicing outside in the shade of the apple trees on the garden swing.

It was refreshing and the warm sun, combined with the cool breeze felt akin to heaven.

I took the Seroquel meds, fell asleep a bit after.

Monday I awoke earlier than anticipated, 7:30AM.

I started work around 8:00AM, but couldn't get into it until around 1:00PM.

We got a call from the Dr., about the E.R. visit, and Ellie & I will see him Tuesday morn.

Maybe things are finally working out.  I need to tell the Dr. that I haven't had an Allergy shot since, January.

Manual Entry - Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Thursday afternoon, Ellie called the family Dr. and told him about my problems and that I had mentioned taking myself out.

I was still feeling like I was in a fight or flight mode then.

Ellie told him about this and we made an appointment early the next day.

At the appointment, we all agreed that Cymbalta wasn't working well.  The prior day, Weds. I left a message that I felt I was losing my mind and that I didn't want to ER, on this Dr.'s voice message.  The Dr. took most the appointment to explain about the med & apologize even though he never said it.  I could feel he was trying to apologize without saying it out right or maybe he seemed to be begging for forgiveness.

Thursday night, I still attended the banjo class, and part way through, I got a severe urge to leave and I was starting to heat up.  I managed to hang on and enjoyed the class.

I seem to be all over today, but a lot has happened since my last entry.

To sum up the Dr. Appt, the Dr. dropped my Cymbalta dose to 30mg and started me on Gabapentin.  One 300mg capsule at night.

I saw around the day on Friday, and didn't work at all, but I did stitch up a couple of bags out of rabbit fur.  I wanted one to store my finger picks in.

Saturday I felt better but not 100% yet.

I helped Ellie load and unload our trailer with sawdust 6 times.  During this I took a small break to help the missionaries out.

The missionaries' teaching appointment turned out to be a no show though.

Sunday, I was feeling much better and went to church.  Told the Bishop that I'd take the calling to be a Ward Missionary.

Monday, I was working pretty well and got more work done that day than I had in weeks.

Today, I got even more done and for the most part felt pretty darn good.

I haven't showered yet, but that was so that I could start work early today to finish what I started Monday.

The module I had been working on, is all wrapped up except for the data views to be used by Tech Support.

During this time, my head has hurt and I've taken pain meds, but the constant feeling of shit & being fucked up is almost gone now.

-- call and setup appt with Dr. T(asshole shrink)