That's one hot ass!

This is not a post about Trump or any of the other garbage going on in my country.  It's all a mess anyway.

I'm actually sitting on a hot pad and my ass is literally hot, because I need something to help ease the pain in my hips.  Okay, mostly my right hip... I don't know why the right one over the left one, but it hurts pretty darn good most of the time.  Perhaps it's the weather changes that are happening already.  Maybe it's the fact that I'm walking more and more than I was since I have better knees that don't hurt like hell anymore.

In any case, my ass is hot.

I took it out for a spin today, and it did pretty darn good.

Just a few days ago, I was still relying on a crutch(es) to help me get around.  Then over the weekend, I started using my cane instead.

Well, last night and continuing today, my leg just kept wanting to move.

• Bend it.
• Straighten it.
• Bend it.
• Etc.
• Etc.

This afternoon, I finally did it.  I went to Wal-Mart, put my cane into the basket, my hat into the infant seat and started to walk.

Then I started to walk more, stretching the leg farther and farther.

First thing I did, was to pick up a can of Pringles, only because they were at the front door.

Next, I found a new water jug/mug, because my last one fell and shattered.  Which I mourned until I finally tossed it into the trash can and started using one of the ones everyone else in the house were using.  Unfortunately for me, the replacement was almost half the size and it was driving me nuts to refill so often.

Then I walked around here and there in the store until I realized my leg was going to quit on me, so I checked out and came home.

So, here I am typing, wishing that the muscle ache I feel will only be as bad as it feels now, but I rather doubt that.

I finally took note, just before I left, that the blood rush/swelling which I had been getting for weeks had stopped.

Right here, I need to mention that earlier today, I went out and clipped off all the dead heads off the mums I planted out in my tree stump planter. (I don't know if I wrote about taking my chain saw out and turning the tree stump into a planter.)

I had to cut the dead heads off because it wasn't watered well after my other knee was replaced.  The blooms that were on the plants when I put them into the planter, all wilted off.

Today, despite being in late September, the temp is close to 90 degrees F.  So, I'll have to water the plants tonight, just to make sure that they'll survive.

Perhaps I can get Ellie or one of the Misses to setup the sprinkler to get my planter?

Time to work... I suppose.

Before my first knee replacement, I tried to apply for state unemployment and I was denied because, "I couldn't work".

I complained that it was discrimination, but the chick on the phone seemed shocked that I would even dare mention that.  I had to say that because I was being denied because I wasn't able to work due to my disability and inability to work due to my arthritis and upcoming knee replacements.

Over the last week, I've been starting to work with my last employer's unemployment agency to look for work.

This week, I'm working on trying to get my state unemployment insurance payments going again.

Although, I am not sure WTF is going to happen.

I also need to work on getting an idea of what employers are where that can pay me close to what I need to keep my family and I living.

My last pay was about $83,000/year (~$41.00/hour).

I think we can survive on $50,000/year.  If I could find a job here in our little city for about that much, then I could probably walk to work most of the time.

I really, really would love being able to walk to work, instead of relying on a car.

Hell, maybe even riding my bike.

Well, I am about to dive into state unemployment website and bureaucracy now.

Wish me luck!

The other one is installed and it hurts like hell... often.

The original replacement of left knee went well.

It straightens & bends well.  Muscles are in good shape, except for spending more time walking & using them.

Now that the right knee's replacement is done, things are quite different.

I wish that I had been logging entries during the entire recovery for the left knee.  Be it daily, weekly, etc.

The recovery of my right one is hard to determine how it's progressing because I don't have enough details per each milestone.

This is OK, as I am working at straightening the knee out more.  I hadn't been doing a very good job because the pain has been so fucking intense.

One of the things that really hampered the recovery of the right knee is an accident I had 6 days after my surgery.

I thought I had figured out how to get in and out of our tall bed by myself.

While everyone was out of the room, I thought I would get out of bed.

Instead of going well, the damn leg slipped and bent beyond what I was able to handle. (90+ degree bend)  This was VERY painful.  I slumped to the floor and had to have my family help me to the recliner, where I took the max pain killers I could take.

Since then, I have been guarding the knee so that I don't want to bend it much because I fear the pain, and keeping it straight scares me too because it hurts so damn bad that way too.

With knee replacements you need to work on keeping the leg as straight as possible all the time.  If it heals bent, then you usually need revision surgery to correct the improper healing.

I don't want that.

Well.  I took a hiatus of writing this to put my shoes on, then to walk back and forth in front of the house for a bit to stretch out my leg and exercise it. (Of course, duh)

I don't feel like writing tons more right now, so I'll stop.

It's been a while, but the new parts are installed. I just need to work 'em out.

Last month I finally had my first knee replacement.

Sounds great right?

It actually was great... but...

Nothing bad happened, just unexpected!

When we arrived to the hospital, the surgeon informed us that he had the parts for the left knee not the right one.

Since I was already scheduled to have both knees done, we changed the paperwork over right then and there to have the left one replaced.

So, how was it?

It wasn't all that bad.

For anesthesia, I went with the spinal block.  What I didn't know about this procedure, was that it requires a urinary catheter.  I don't know if I ever had one in my life.  I mean, I had kidney stones, etc, but... well, nothing that tied my piss production to a bag.

The spinal block went well, and as far as a I can tell was that the catheter was "ok"... rather not a great inconvenience and painful...

That is...

Until the freakin' spinal block wore off.

It went from "OK"
to

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT THINGS HURT LIKE HELL!"
"GET THIS DAMN THING OUT OF MY DICK!"

Unfortunately, they weren't going to take that damn thing out of my piss pipe, so I wound up waiting for IV pain killers to kick in and work, and taking more oral pain killers.

They did use lidocaine or similar surface medication to ease the dick discomfort.

It took almost 30 minutes before it got better.

What I hated was that they were going to leave that freakin' thing in there for more than 24 hours.  I had to threaten pulling it myself for them to get another doctor's approval to remove it sooner.

See, the thing was... I was embarrassed about the presence of the damn thing up my dick, so I didn't really want to get up and walk.

Actually, the pain was pretty fucking significant, so I didn't really want to get up except for those times I needed to pee, which hurt like hell anyway.

Now, I'm not ignorant, nor did I think I was unprepared, but the spinal block, catheter and type of muscle changes along with the intensity of pain really surprised me.

Putting the spinal block and catheter aside, the pain and muscle changes really, really surprised me.

I expected a great deal of pain, but not so bad that I was on almost 4 times the amount of pain killers as I was prior to the surgery.

Even now, just over 3 weeks later, I need to keep a certain level of pain killers in my system to help me to sleep and keep the pain at bay.

The muscle changes, which I was expecting, surprised me.

I knew that the quadricep muscle was going to be cut & resewn together... but what I was not expecting was for it to bundle/bunch up so much that I really couldn't extend my leg very well.  It was bunched up that when I extended the leg, I couldn't straighten it out very good.  It felt like I had a bunch of rubber balls above the knee cap, which were allowing it to flex, but not keep it that way and wants to push right back down.

At this point, the range of motion has greatly improved.

I can almost get it 100% straight and bend it fairly close to the range of the right one.

Not too bad for three weeks.

What I really need to do, is work on the entire knee's muscles groups and stretches.

My knee wants to buckle if I'm not careful and concentrate on what I'm doing.

I'm serious!

I needed to concentrate and the first week and a half I had to literally tell my leg what to do.  "Get up" "Move" "Bend", etc.

What I am currently fighting is lots of muscle pains around the quadricep and down the calves/shins.

Ice doesn't work on the muscles, so I had to buy another 24" heat pad so that I can have it affect the large muscles groups better than the little heat pads Ellie bought several months ago when my original large one died.

The heat is great, usually.

My biggest concern and complaint that's not related directly to the knee is the freakin' foot!

My left foot feels like it's freezing when I have ice on it, and chilled 80% the rest of the time.

Rarely does it ever feel warm or comfortable, unless I'm wearing these fuzzy slipper/bed socks.

Even then, I need to watch out how tight the socks are around my feet.

It's not the whole foot really, it's concentrated across the top of the foot.

Having pain across the top of the foot isn't new to me, but it's not a great feeling when my leg is messed up and I can't keep the foot well supported unless I'm in bed.

I haven't slept in my bed overnight since the first couple of days home from the hospital.

It was just easier at first to sleep next to Ellie, but then it turned out to be very painful, because I couldn't lift my own leg back into bed.  So to the recliner I went.

I'm tired of the freakin' recliner now!

I tried going back to my recliner/couch/etc and it was worse on my legs than the one I've been using.

This morning, just before Physical Therapy, I setup my body pillows the way I normally did.  They kept my leg straight and I was comfortable enough to fall to sleep really well.

I'm going to try sleeping in the bed again tonight.  With my family gone, it'll be easier to do, because I won't have to dodge around the misses in my bed or kick them out of the bed or off the couch, etc.

They've been sleeping around Ellie a lot these days, which I don't care about, but I do care that I can't just pick up and move from place to place to lay down and try relieving the pain better.

Well, this is really long and rambling.

I'm also pretty damn tired.

If it wasn't for watering the garden, I would go to bed right now.

I saw it coming... It still doesn't mean it's not FUBAR.

I don't know if I previously posted my thoughts about wanting to retire and actually hoping it happened, in some sort of secret, good way.

I didn't actually retire, but I was retired, if you will.

My employment with my company after almost a full 20 years has been ended.  I didn't do anything to warrant getting laid off, except I think I did... sort of.

I was laid off as part of a reduction in force, which is better than just getting fired.

It means that I was laid off with approx 6 months of pay and benefits, and they had to cash out all of the paid time off I accrued.

Now, I wasn't trying to get laid off on purpose, but I wasn't trying as hard as I might have been able to.  Although, I was trying damn hard to keep my job.

I dunno, it's hard to say.

With sleeping problems due to bipolar and arthritis that was #1 against me working really well.  Then #2 the heavy use of opiod pain killers.  I'm not addicted to them, wherein I'm not taking them for any sort of  a buzz or high.  I need them physically due to the pain.

I know when I no longer need them for pain, I'm going to have emotional problems weaning away from them, because of all the years that I've been taking them.

Then again I might not.

So here's the skinny of the work situation:

• I was not trying to get laid off on purpose.
• I was having problems working due to pain & bipolar sleep patterns.
• Emotionally, I was cracking because of the problems with sleep, etc.
• I needed to get away and take a break from things and taking vacation time wasn't going to be enough.
• Knee replacement was a HUGE deal with me.  (See sleep & emotional notes above.)
• If there was going to be a reduction in force, I was considering telling my manager to put me on the list...

See, I didn't want to be laid off, but I wasn't going to discourage it if it came to it.

When it comes to a business decision, it was what I was expecting.

I'd seen this same behavior before from this employer.

Their budget is too high and they need to reduce, this is how they do it:

1. They look at the top level/higher paid groups.
2. If they see that they have "too many" individuals that are on a team, they skim them off.
3. Managers are more expendable than grunts.
4. IT and other infrastructure staff are expendable.
5. By cutting higher level managers/staff, more grunt positions can be saved and customer facing work doesn't "change".

Well, I was a developer for a Tech Support tool, and they saw "too many" in the USA that were employed.

As a developer though, once you come up with a working concept and the infrastructure is in place, they can outsource your code and project to India and can your ass.

In truth, I was glad to get laid off, and I'm not worried about the future in any sort of sense.  I'm at peace with things and I expect to pick up the pieces and keep going.

Well...

I suppose that there is to say about the work situation.

My first knee surgery is coming up next week.

I'm excited to get it fixed...

but I'm also a bit anxious... I want it to be successful... Not the recovery, but the whole procedure, where they put me to sleep and then the cutting/shaping.

OK, it's not the cutting.  It's just the scenario that I might not wake up.

I don't want to leave my family yet.

I love them.

Current state of HAM radio, projects and related shit.

I have my YouKits Ek1a that died... again...

Rather, it's a good receiver, but is useless as a transmitter.

I also have an old school Midland 13-510 2 Meter radio.

Back when I got pretty much all the radio gear that belonged to my friend, he had several kits which weren't finished or started.

A QRP antenna tuner and an Oscilloscope that he started, and didn't realize it had SMD parts.

So he put in all the other parts, but the SMD.  Then he took the whole kit, put it back in the shipping bag and put it into his box.

Well, I got it, saw how to solder SMD components and finished it.

Soldering SMD is much easier than I realized.

You just need to put a small, and I mean small, dab of solder on one pad, then hold one end of the part to that pad, and heat it up.

I'm a stubborn bastard, so I used my 100 watt solder gun.

Sounds like too much power & heat?

Yes, yes it was... at first.

Then I learned I could do the work faster and safer with it still.

I figured out that if I hold the trigger down for a second or two at a time, until the solder finally melts, I can let go and just wait for a few more seconds for it to cool down.

Worked fine.

After I finished it and ran the self tests & adjustments...

I needed somewhere to put it, since it didn't come with it's own case.

Many people online made their own "cases" out of plexiglass, etc.

Me...

I work in wood, so I made a wooden box that holds the whole unit pretty darn snug.

I even included a small compartment so that test lead(s) can be stored.

When it came to the lid, I didn't want to play around with hinges this time.

So, I cut out a piece of 1/4" plywood that fits the inner part of the box snugly.

Then I cut another piece of wood that matches the outer size of the box.

As you may guess, I glued the top & inner pieces together, so that the inner piece was centered in the top one.

This morning, I put it all together and it is snug and I have to pry the top off just a little bit for it to open.

Now, at least, it will go into the drawer with my other test tools, without me worrying about damaging the screen or the whole freakin unit.

Well, I haven't had much sleep today, so I'm going to skin out.

Well, they're gone... again... and the pain...

To start off with, I suppose it's the usual.

My freakin' legs hurt... AGAIN

I had a real hard time sleeping last night.

So much so, that I got up, listened to a radio show or two, while I was doing various word puzzles from a Puzzle Variety book that my uncle left behind.  My uncle bought those damn books by the case.

My pain medication use is skyrocketing right now.

I'm taking them 2-3 at a time right now.

I'm supposed to back off on these meds the month prior to the surgery so that the newer doses of the meds will be more effective.

Shit.. I don't know WTF is going to happen when I get there.

Damn.. I'm almost there already.

Only about 4 weeks before they replace the right knee, then at the end of August the left one will be done.

The last week or two, I've been pushing to get things done.

Like turning the large tree stump in the yard into a planter.

This afternoon, after work, I'm going over to a friend's house so that I can demo what Ubuntu 16 looks like on their daughter's touch screen laptop.

I need to do this, because the fucking Windows 8.x license is stored on a hidden partition of the original hard drive.

but...

The original hard drive froze up.

I mean literally froze up or seized if that's better for you to understand.

The damn thing wouldn't spin up.

I took the drive cover off, and tried to clean it up enough for it to spin, but it was pretty much damn stuck so that the platters & heads wouldn't move.

Since I owe this friend some time & money for some radio equipment, I ordered a new drive, and I will install it when it comes in next week.

I'm so freakin' tired right now, I really want to stop for the day and find out what's up with the car parts I ordered.  I need to replace the back spark plugs on the car, but this requires me to remove the upper intake manifold.

I figured if I took the manifold off and was going to replace the plugs, it would be worth the cost to replace the plug wires too.

As for Ellie and the Misses, they left early this morning for their annual girls club meeting in an adjoining state.

So I'm by myself all weekend.

So far, while I've been working and building/compiling shit, I've gone through my schematics & projects and organized them.

I suppose, I should start another post for what I'm doing with my radio & hobby building shit...

So there I go.

Hurry up and wait... again.

I saw another orthopedic surgeon yesterday.

Rather, he was the replacement for the guy who was supposed to replace my knee.

Instead of just scheduling the fucking surgery, he wanted an MRI.

Before we actually saw him, they took another X-Ray of the left knee.

They can see the really bad arthritis in the right knee, but they can't see the severity of the arthritis in the left knee.

Despite how bad the fucker hurts, he just won't go in the and the fucking work.

He also took some time to "tell me off" about the amount of pain medication that I've been taking.

Well, FUCK HIM.

It's not like I want to keep taking this medication.

He said he was concerned because the pain after the surgery was going to be really bad.

I flat told him, I'd put up with the fucking pain after it was done, because that pain would go away!

He didn't seem to understand how much I would put up just to get the fucking knee fixed so that I could stop taking the damn opiods.

Well, after the fucking appointment, I was feeling pretty damn low last night.

My alarm went off around 6:30, to remind me about the HAM radio net.

It was my turn to run the radio net last night.

While running the net, I managed to forget my troubles.  I even stuck around for about 30 minutes chatting with a friend.

After I was done, I sat down watching House with Ellie and I started to nap off/on.

Ellie suggested that I sleep in the recliner because I was falling to sleep easily in it.

Well, I did sleep OK, and right now, my knee doesn't hurt too badly.
 
Tonight, after the Misses get out of school, I'm supposed to drive them to the skating ring for an activity with their girls club.

I have been thinking about taking the wheel chair with me instead of hobbling all over the fucking place at the ring.

Follow up from my major melt down a few weeks ago.

It took me a while to really get calmed down, but it happened.

The week or two, I've actually been working!

I know, right? *grunt*
Big miss and one of her friends a few years back said that phrase ALL the time.

This is helpful.

Well, I still fought with this HR chick.

The bossman got on me about getting the forms all filled out.

About the same time as the meltdown, I dusted off the All-In-One Printer/Scanner/Copier/Fax/Cappuccino/Julian Fries machine.

I printed out all the forms needed for the disability request/accommodation and faxed them to the Orge (Shrink), and my PCP.

That Monday after my melt down, the Ogre had an appointment for me to visit him.  He told me to take Zyprexa, which I still haven't done yet.  He also filled out the forms based on our discussion about the questions on the forms.

Those questions on the forms are VERY vague for mental health disabilities.

Actually it's the same form for ALL disabilities.

Last week, I faxed the form from the Ogre to HR the day after he filled it in.

Then I called my PCP and they said they'd get it done.

Turns out, that the FAX # on their site is the wrong one for the Doctor.

I refaxed the document.

Yesterday, they had it ready.

Then, of course, I faxed the forms to HR.

The forms from the PCP said that the need to work from home would is dependent on reducing the pain on my knees.

AKA, if the knees are replaced and therapy is successful, and I'm on MUCH lower or no regular usage of pain killers, then I could work from the Office again.

Which is what I've been hoping for these past 3 years or so.

I had a really, really time sleeping this week so far, and I'm starting to doze off really badly.

I'm going to call this post done and keep trying to work for a few more house.

It's been a while.

I went through a tough week or two emotionally.

I wound up in a manic state, but a really nasty type of manic state.

It's one of those fight or flight phases, but I mostly wanted to fight.

The mood problems are fueled by people at work, but mostly trying to control the anger I have regarding my knees.

Right now, I can probably get back into that state if I start to think about it again.

Just thinking that the knee replacement is going to be delayed again makes me want to punch a hole through the wall.

Last night Ellie started to bring up the meeting with the new surgeon, and I had to ask her to stop.

I don't need to start getting pissed all over again about it.

Well...

I didn't sleep good last night.... Again...

It wasn't the anger/mania...

Yes, it was knee pain... again... :(

It was in the middle of the left knee on the inside. (Medial, I think?)

Then the large cat of mine decided she had to get up on it and knead it, which made it hurt worse.

Rolling over to re-position it made my right hip hurt.

Even when I got up they both hurt.

Just seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  (Very cliche, right?)

Well...

I dunno.

Shit just happens, I guess. (Another cliche)

I guess to quote Stephen King's, "Dreamcatcher"..

Fuck me Freddy.

Damn! Was I sick!

Since all of the surgeries were cancelled for the Surgeon, which includes my knee replacement, I'm starting to see that it was probably good for me.

Although, it sucks because I still get to deal with the pain from the knees on a daily basis.

It does seem like providence, that it happened.

During the time between when I got the bad news and now, Ellie and the Misses have been sick with a fever/cold/flu thing.

Then the past 5+ days I've been sick myself.

Mostly with a cold, which turned pretty ugly Sunday through today.

It started with the usual cold, congestion, cough, etc.  Nothing major.

My eyes were having problems when I woke up on Friday and Saturday, because they were crusty with stuff.  Also, my ears have been really been FUBAR.  Everything was muffled and I had lots of pressure.

Saturday before Easter Sunday, I barely had any sleep.

We went out to Ellie's folk's place I started to get a lot of sinus pain, and it managed to get better by the time we ate dinner and finally sat down to chat.

After a bit, I got really drowsy, so I laid down in the spare bedroom to nap.

It wasn't good sleep because things were noisy, which they always are with all the nieces and nephews around.

When I got up a bit later, my eyes were really goopy.

In the bathroom, I cleaned and cleaned my eyes out.

When I was done, I went back to the bedroom put on my glasses.

By the time I got back to the bathroom, only a few feet, my eyes were goopy again.

I showed this to Ellie and she decided it was time to go.

Ellie's sister called out "Everyone! Wash your hands!"

Now, I had been doing that vigilantly since I had this nasty cold going on.

On Monday, I went to the walk-in clinic early in the morning.

The Dr. there said that the eye, cold, ear stuff should clear up soon if I kept things clean, which I had been doing.

Except he did say that the eye stuff was pink-eye and was most likely caused by rubbing my eyes after wiping my nose.

Basically, I gave it to myself by infecting my own eyes.

This Dr. also gave me an Rx for an antibiotic because of my frequent sinus infections.

(wow, does this post just keep going or what!?)

Monday Night, I took the Antibiotic, and "slept" which didn't really work because I got one of those nasty sinus pressure "headaches" that lasted all night, and most of Tuesday "morning".

Actually, after everyone went to school, I waited to take the antibiotic for a bit because I was feeling a bit queasy.

Well, it happened and I emptied my stomach and flushed my breakfast down the drain.

An hour or so later, I finally started to feel better, and I took the antibiotic.

I slept most of the day on Tuesday.  In between, I watched these REALLY cheesy B rated movies I bought on a DVD I bought for $6. (I'm going to toss the disc.  None of the movies were really that great.)

Well, today I'm feeling better, but my ear still feels like shit.  I have stuff dripping down my throat.

I don't hurt, but it still sucks.

I guess where I'm going with this post (finally!) is that I don't know if it's really been a curse that the surgery was canceled.

My only major problem with the cancellation is that I'm not certain when/if it will be scheduled again.

The current time frame I have for the actual surgery might be in August.

This morning Ellie said she's going to push for a bilateral replacement.  Which is replacing both knees at one time.

It'll be a lot of work for me, and possibly hurt like hell, but at least it'll all be over with in one shot.

Then I'll be two joints closer to being a Cyberdyne Terminator. :)

Perhaps she's just temperamental?

Things went really well with Ellie's mom.

I mean, when she's not acting/being icy, she's actually a very nice person.

Perhaps I got myself psyched up for no reason.

At any rate, I got her laptop figured out.

While it didn't yield anything, I went through the running processes and applications looking for a possible threat.

What she was running into was that she kept getting redirected to/through the ASK web page/sites/etc.

I went into Firefox, reset the homepage, manually reset all of the specific ASK settings using about:config.

When restarting Firefox the damn thing had already modified the homepage and other settings back.

I looked at the shortcut for Firefox to make sure that something else wasn't launching with it.

Only the Firefox executable was being launched there and it was from the right directory.

In the Add/Remove or "Programs & Features" part of the Control Panel, there wasn't any program/etc that indicated that ASK was a separate installation/application.

At this time, I wished I had my personal applications and tools.

One of the tools I wrote gives me information on all MSI applications and MSI files in Windows.

I backed up her bookmarks out of Firefox, and was getting ready to just reset it or remove all plug-ins,etc.

What I found when I went to plugins, was a map assistant one.

Now, she told me she installed something when she was looking for driving directions.

I removed this plugin, and it then asked me if I wanted to remove the ASK plug-in...

I didn't even SEE an ASK plugin!

Needless to say, that fixed the ASK plugin problems.

What shocked me though, is that there are STILL people piggy backing these damn applications into their installers.

I don't think that the ASK stuff was embedded and hidden, but..

Like a LOT of users, when they're installing something that they wanted to, they just keep clicking OK or NEXT.

Which is how a LOT of this shit keeps getting installed.

Although, in the way-back-machine, these apps were just installed without any indication.

These days, they will prompt a user to install.

Again, keep clicking NEXT, and you'll get crap you don't want!

Anyhow, I'm digressing big time.

The other thing she had going on, was that she said her CD-ROM drive wasn't reading data correctly.

She has this CD that she couldn't read.

Looking at the physical disc, it showed that data had been burned to it.

Ellie had already tested the drive earlier that week with an audio CD, which worked fine.

I put the disc iinto my Majaro laptop and it didn't mount it up nor did it recognize the file system.

So, I put a different data disc into her mom's laptop and it read it fine.

Which means this CD is hosed.

Whoever wrote/burned it probably did not close the session correctly.

Luckily for Ellie's mom, she had another computer that could actually read that data.

Overall it was good.

Unfortunately, it does seem that Ellie's mom has some sort of spells where she kind of icy uncaring state.

During part of a large family discussion we were all part of, she said that she doesn't deal with sick people very well.

Not even did she deal well with her own children when they were sick.

I think this explains WTF she seems icy towards me...

Really hard to not limp or grimace while I'm walking these days...

I hate being bipolar!

Being bipolar and successful is not for pussies.

Right now, I don't know how I'm surviving like I haven't been.

I am or was a successful software developer.

Seriously.

What I have going on right now, is scaring me again.

I don't honestly know where to go or what to do.

On Thursday, I spoke with a gal in HR, since she was concerned with my pain.

She pushed at me pretty hard about my working arrangements.

I'm worried by the way she was acting/talking to me.

Remember, I work from home for MANY reasons.

These days the #1 reason is because of the pain and associated lack of sleep from my arthritic knees.

The other reasons are also associated from the knees.

Should I be driving because of my pain medication intake?

Stereotypically, no.

Doctors and law enforcement don't want people driving who are under the influence of pain medication.

I'm worried and scared.

Yesterday, Ellie fed my anxiety and depression, without meaning to.

She started the conversation with, "I need to talk to you about something."

Her sister, who works at the hospital, told her in a very, very helpful way that the Surgeon we were going to see might only perform surgeries at a hospital that my insurance might not 100% cover.  That perhaps, we should call and see if this is true, then to reschedule with another surgeon who does.

After hearing it, I was very upset and almost started to cry.

So I got upset and got ready to leave.

I actually needed to go shopping to get a few things for dinner.

At the store, I really really just wanted to buy lots of food and junk to feed my anger and depression.

No wonder so many of us with mental health issues are fat fuckers.

Even today I'm worried and scared.

I know taking Xanax can help, but then I'm drowsy as all fuck.

Then it's even harder to work.

Working is a big problem for me these days again.

I just can't always seem to work.

Today, I also have an appointment with my doctor for my quarterly pain medication refills.

I invited Ellie along, and now I don't think I wan her there.

I really want to ask the doctor for something to help me focus on work.

I'm really having a hard time focusing.

Even when I take caffeine, sugar, etc. to try and boost my alertness, I can't seem to work.

These days, I'm thinning out, but it's also because it's driven by emotions.

Well, I'm off to try and work some more...

Someone had better be dead, deathly sick, suspended or on their way to prison...

My damn knee surgery has been cancelled!

The mother fucker's office, called me right out of the blue on Friday telling me that the surgery was cancelled and that they weren't scheduling any further things with this doctor.

So WTF!?

I'm glad Little Miss was home from school sick that day.

I don't honestly know what I would've done.

Today, I'm fairly calm compared to the swearing and crying I did on Friday and Saturday.

It was complete shit for me to go through.

All weekend and even last night, I didn't sleep good.

Over the weekend, Ellie's sister suggested that I call and get the records in any form possible, including X-Rays/images, and a letter/statement why the surgery was cancelled.

The records department was very good about getting me the info I needed to fill out to get the records requested.

Then I had to speak to the main desk at the surgeon's office and ask them for an official letter,which they said would be mailed to me soon.

I also told them to get it to the other surgeon's office so that I could avoid having to go through all of these tests again.
Last night, I believe I averaged about 2 hours of sleep before waking up in a great deal of pain, rolling over then eventually falling to sleep again.

I have been thinking about my sleep patterns for the past few months.

It's a freakin' miracle if I sleep completely through the night,1-2 nights a month.

It's freakin' lucky if I sleep 4-6 hours straight 1-4 nights a month.

I'm lucky if I sleep 2-4 hours straight the rest of the time.

Completely fucked, if I sleep 1 hour at a time, or at all.

Thinking about all of this shit...

Needless to say, I'm not sure how I really feel about my last post.

After all, that salad dissertation has been in the back of my mind a lot right now.

I really don't want to be known or think of myself as:

• the who's always in pain...
• the guy who's knees are really messed up...
• the guy who's always swearing and complaining.

Manual Entry - Monday, May 7, 2012

Dr. Bxxxx ordered that the Seroquel be stopped.  Gave me some Xanax for the pain/anxiety.

I know that I didn't sleep well that night either.  My legs & head hurt and the Xanax didn't put me to sleep.  I slept for 3-4 hours before getting up and starting work.

We saw Dr. Txxxx on the 3rd.  He really only seemed to think that I was depressed after talking to Ellie.

He didn't think much of the Xanax from Dr. Bxxxx, but it did help calm me down.  I don't use it much though.

Ellie and the girls left Friday afternoon for their trip.

My Uncle and I watched "War Horse" and I stayed up watching a "House M.D." dvd.

Dr. Txxxxput me on Venlafaxine ER, 75mg.  1 for 3 days then 3 every day/morn.

Weekend w/o Ellie & girls was good.  Except that I didn't sleep well Friday night.

Actually, here's what happened Friday:

I got up by 5:30 AM & started work.

I also started process of backing up Ellie's H.D.

I worked till around 9:00AM and felt so tired and didn't really do anything that I went back to bed and slept till 1-3PM.

That night after hours of TV, I couldn't sleep, so I went to work and really got a lot done.

I stopped @ 3:00AM Sat. morn.

Sat. I got up around 8:30AM, cleaned the garage a bit, put up another shelf and organized the tumbler grit.

I also sorted out the tire weights from the local tire company, I got for making bullets.

While doing it I got an idea how to mount my banjo & resonator.

I bought screws for it then felt really tired and took a nap.

When I got up, I started thinking about the banjo and changed my mind again and bought some different screws.

I worked on the banjo till it was done and went to bed around 9:00PM.

Today, Monday, I felt kind of on edge.  Not fight or flight or nervous.

Rather, I felt on the verge of crying off and on all day.

I don't know why.

Maybe this Venlafaxine ER. wasn't working yet.

I got a lot of work done, caught up on my documentation for work, despite this problem.

Maybe I should use the Xanax?

For now, I will practice my banjo and rest.

I feel the need to apologize to almost everyone and to hug people.

Even my coworkers.

I don't know why.

Manual Entry - Monday, April 30, 2012

A lot has happened since the last entry.

My eyes are still kind of messed up, but are getting better it seems.  I stopped Cymbalta and started into a hypo-manic episode that really kicked off the 23rd.

From waking up Monday through Tuesday around 1:30 Tuesday, I did not sleep.

I did work, from 12:00AM-6:30AM.  Afterwords, I laid in bed, watched "Young Guns."  Read some books, did a few crosswords and finally took a benadryl and slept for about 3-4 hours.

Tuesday night it happened again, instead of 12:00AM, I started at 11:00PM.  Worked till 5:00AM or so.

While I was working, I was working hard.  Really hard.  Best that I could describe it is as though I was the character "Neo" from "The Matrix", when he realized he could see the code and the make up of everything around him.  I too got to a point where the code base & framework that was new to me all made sense.

Weds. morn, after work, I took another benadryl and slept till 3:30PM.

I want to step back a bit, and mention that I started to step back into my mood/nasty state.  Ellie and I agreed I needed a change.  Dr. Bxxx upped the Gabapentin to 1 capsule twice a day.  That was on Tuesday, I think.

Weds. night, I took half an Ambien and waited till close to 1:00 AM before I went out.

Thursday, I awoke OK, got a lot of work done.  Noticed that I felt like I was enraged, but I didn't have a cause.  I talked Cliff's ear off to/from our banjo class.  Not normal talking, but high speed communications.

Since the increase of Gabapentin, I've been waking up early morning, taking a piss & then all but collapsing in bed to sleep again.

Friday morning wasn't much different except I awoke around 1:30AM.

While pissing, my knees buckled.  Yes, I was standing and my knees rammed into the sides of the bowl and I collapsed all the way down and laid on my back.

I didn't think that I made much noise, but it got Ellie up.  I don't even remember if I finished peeing or not, or if it just ran all over the floor.

Ellie managed to help me to bed.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  Ellie wanted me to go to the E.R.

I refused, since all I wanted was to sleep.

After a lot of moaning by me and arguing by Ellie, I had her take my B.P.  It was very low. 84/52.

At that point, I consented to let Ellie call 911.

The E.M.T. measured by BP too and it was already a bit higher.

Since we paid for Fire-Med, I consented for them to take me to the E.R.

Before leaving the curb, they installed an I.V. line & did an EKG.

While at the E.R.:

• I slept a bit.
• Swore/cusses/etc
• Managed to stand & pee again.
• With more swearing, because Ellie was too aggressive with the urinal
•  Let them do an EKG, with the more precise machines.

In short, I could've stayed at home and slept really well and not cussed much more.

Once more, I need to interject a missing tidbit here.

Thursday morning, I got a call in response to a message I left with Dr. Bxxxx on Weds.  They suggested & urged me to see a Dr. that day (Thursday).

I saw Dr. Pxxxx, not the one I thought he was, but his brother.

I hashed out what was happening about insomnia, anger/rage, migraines, arthritis, that the brain/head MRI & blood tests were all normal.

SO WTF?

I cussed in front of him, I told him that I was really tired and that my dad was diagnosed as bipolar and I remembered some of his mood swings.

I further explained that I found a woman's bipolar video/youtube Blog and before I really knew it, I watched everyone of her videos and felt connected.

Dr. Pxxxx had been researching on his iPhone and said he agreed with me.  He gave me samples of Seroquel.

Told me to keep taking the Gabapentin and take 2 Seroquel a ngiht.

So I did, and now, you have the full insight of what happened before my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.

The rest... WAIT!  One more item!  I used a few 10mg oxycodone pills Thursday and the last one was around 7:00PM.

The rest of the weekend, I pretty much did nothing else but slept.  I did go to church on Sunday and stood when my name was called, to accept a calling as a Ward missionary.  I didn't stay to be set apart, because I was tired and not feeling well.

I pulled out the banjo and sat practicing outside in the shade of the apple trees on the garden swing.

It was refreshing and the warm sun, combined with the cool breeze felt akin to heaven.

I took the Seroquel meds, fell asleep a bit after.

Monday I awoke earlier than anticipated, 7:30AM.

I started work around 8:00AM, but couldn't get into it until around 1:00PM.

We got a call from the Dr., about the E.R. visit, and Ellie & I will see him Tuesday morn.

Maybe things are finally working out.  I need to tell the Dr. that I haven't had an Allergy shot since, January.

Does the pain medication actually help?

It's really fucking hard to tell if all the medication that I take is working.

I cannot take NSAIDS because I get severe diarrhea and pee blood.

Topical medications/rubs/ointments barely work because they only affect the muscles & skin, not the bones.

My pain medication is starting to make me itch, which I expect, but...

Dammit the itching is getting worse because I'm using more of the pills.

I also have problems taking a shit right now because the exhaust port is plugged with a super sized potato.

Currently, I just don't know WTF else to do.

I suppose I'll just have to go and soak in a tub full of fucking hot water to see if the pain will ease up for a bit.

Who knows, maybe it'll help with the itching and potential bed sores...

Ow! My ass! Get off! - Bender Rodriguez

The knee pain keeps getting worse in the left knee.

Holy fuck does it hurt!

My pain medication use is going up just to keep my comfortable as I'm getting tired of just taking the edge off of things.

The last week, I've had to sleep more and more on my back.

No problem, right?

Wrong, I feel like I'm starting to get bed sores on my ASS from having to sleep like that ALL the time.

When I feel the need to sleep on either side, my fucking leg hurts so bad that I can sleep for 30+ minutes, I think, at a time.

It just hurts when I lay on my side.

Now that my ass is starting to hurt like it's developing sores, it's getting more and more crucial to get the damn knee replaced!

Holy fuck!

Not only does my leg hurt like hell...

My ass is starting to hurt like hell.

Right now sitting in a chair, between the bottom of my ass and my hips, it feels like it's on fire.

Should I become as obsessed about the state of my ass like Bender?

Addendum...

I got up to get breakfast & let the dogs in...

The back of my thighs hurt & feel like I'm also getting sores there too.

Maybe I need to ditch the bed and sleep in the recliner/couch?

I really don't want to sleep away from Ellie right now.

I'm too emotionally tied to my physical closeness to her.

Oh the pain! No seriously, it hurt!

Like usual, I dealt with a lot of pain yesterday.

My right leg got really swollen so that I could barely walk without dragging my foot.

Then going to sleep last night was a joke for the fist 30-45 minutes.

It really hurt!

Getting into bed, I almost screamed, if that was possible for me to do.

Then laying there, both knees hurt like hell.

The left one usually hurts all the time when I try to go to sleep after working, standing, "walking" on it all day.

This left me a bit frustrated on two fronts.

One, I wanted to spend some close time with Ellie

Two, Little Miss needed help on her paper and Ellie stayed up late helping her.

When Ellie did come to bed, she was too tired and I hurt too bad.

The pain was so bad, I couldn't roll over and snuggle with Ellie.

Yet, Ellie did roll over and snuggle with me for a bit.

That helped me and I did fall to sleep.

At some point between falling to sleep and now, I got up to use the bathroom and my knees didn't hurt so bad.

When Big Miss go up to shower, I rolled over and was able to snuggle against Ellie.

See, this isn't really for any sort of intimate reasons, just emotional.

A lot of my emotional stability comes from being near, next to and knowing I'll see and be with Ellie.

She's really the emotional anchor and helps to keep me grounded and from drifting.