I dunno know... I wanted to cut something.

I can't seem to remember where I left off at right now and sure as hell don't want to go back to read it right now.


Although... I believe I wrote about my useless, older brothers... All of whom lived with my folks several times after they were out of the house and married...


Where am I going with this?


Well, I'm going where I think I need to go.

A few hours ago, I was on the verge of sitting the curb on the side of the road, fishing out my knife and putting a slice across my arm!

This is not a suicide slice!
It's a cut!
There is a difference!

The difference is that the cut hurts and will hurt for awhile, while the other will typically end your life.

I needed to release tension and at that time a cut across my forearm was the only way I thought I could handle it.

Here's the backstory:

My dad had been sick and my younger sister and her husband have been driving our mom back and forth to his appointments, and eventually to the hospitals.


About a year ago, I spoke with with my sisters about how nasty and messed up our parent's house was and that our brother's kids weren't being cared for very well.

Now, my job at that time required me to call in any form of abuse. (child, adult, elderly, spousal, etc.)

So, I called social services.

Our dad's had several major problems over the years and about a year ago landed himself in dire medical care.  My brothers all started out helping, then kind of ran into their holes, leaving my younger sister to pick up all of the slack.

Recently his health got so bad that he was losing track of who he was, who others were and where he was.  All that he knew was that he wanted to go home.

Speaking with my sister, I told her that it sounded like he needed to go on hospice where he would be kept comfortable until he passed on.  She also told me that she was getting exhausted and on one occasion that one of the other brothers was with our mom and was supposed to wait with her until my sister got there.  Well, I guess that she needed to go to a clinic and he had something else to do!  So that asshole left her there at the clinic!  WTF?  Why would you just leave someone there like that!?  Seriously!  Our mom has been fighting with dementia and memory problems for several years.

That really pissed me off, so I decided I needed to come out here to help our mom and relieve my sister and her husband.  I ordered the bus ticket and then that same night, I got a call from my oldest brother and found out that our father passed away.

I got on the bus and came out here.  (Remember, I don't fly anymore!)

The bus ride sucked like hell and everytime I fell asleep I had to wake back up again for some dumbass reason.  That last one really pissed me off.  I was finally comfortable and in a deep, deep sleep.  Then a new lady getting on the bus practically sat on me!  It's not like I'm a little, bitty dude, and I was in deep sleep!


So today, I met with all the other siblings at our mom's house and they started going through the funeral program, and at first I was willing to play a flute, but I had forgotten mine.  Then my brothers started getting a bit pushy and the real, dumbass, pious mother fucking one started trying to be cute and tell jokes.  I got mad, so when I went outside to chat with my little sister, I decided to just walk.

I just walked away, and walked for probably a mile before my sister contacted me and told me they were done, and wanted to know if I wanted a ride back to where I was staying.

During my walk, I was starting to break down about the loss of my father, but more so that my fucking brothers all of a sudden showed up and were there to help out...

This is where I emotionally had to find a way to gain control, and the first thing that popped into my mind was to cut my arm and have the pain get me back into control.

Or...

To take several pain pills and try to "gain control".

I did take one pill.

I've never had a problem with my meds and the doctor has but that would've been normal for me as I'd been taking 4 a day as needed by the doctor

Texting with my sister, she drove to where I was walking and picked me up.

Where will I be in a few weeks?

I don't fucking know, but I do know that I am going to help our Mom get things cleaned up, and help my sister get back to a semblance of normal  for her own life.

Our mom needs to be in a assisted living facility where they can help her throughout the day as she needs it.

Not sponged off of by my major asshole brother who lives with her.

Time to work... I suppose.

Before my first knee replacement, I tried to apply for state unemployment and I was denied because, "I couldn't work".

I complained that it was discrimination, but the chick on the phone seemed shocked that I would even dare mention that.  I had to say that because I was being denied because I wasn't able to work due to my disability and inability to work due to my arthritis and upcoming knee replacements.

Over the last week, I've been starting to work with my last employer's unemployment agency to look for work.

This week, I'm working on trying to get my state unemployment insurance payments going again.

Although, I am not sure WTF is going to happen.

I also need to work on getting an idea of what employers are where that can pay me close to what I need to keep my family and I living.

My last pay was about $83,000/year (~$41.00/hour).

I think we can survive on $50,000/year.  If I could find a job here in our little city for about that much, then I could probably walk to work most of the time.

I really, really would love being able to walk to work, instead of relying on a car.

Hell, maybe even riding my bike.

Well, I am about to dive into state unemployment website and bureaucracy now.

Wish me luck!

Must be "that" time again.

Well, maybe not the time you think it is, but perhaps it's the time for the monthly cycle sales...

Oh well.

Ellie has been getting pushed under a lot of stress, again, and she usually freaks out and starts to go totally berserk when this happens.

Don't think I'm over exaggerating, because while I am a little bit, but it's pretty true.

Yesterday, when she got home from work, she said she was absolutely tired and wanted to sleep/nap really badly.

Well, she couldn't.  The Misses are in two different sports right now, so they're on two different practice and game schedules.

So, she couldn't sleep because of that, then she started flipping out on me about something I did on Friday, which I shouldn't have done, but I didn't think anything about it when I did it.

I gave what I thought were a couple of "idle" threats to the physical therapist.  (I said I was going to punch him in the face if he didn't stop something because it was making my pain much much worse.)

What he did to warrant me saying this was that when he kept pushing my leg beyond where I could handle it, even after I said I couldn't do it and that the pain was already beyond what I could handle for the day!

So, on the way home, I got scolded by Ellie like I was 12.  That was not good enough, because she brought it up again yesterday.

Then on top of things again, she brought up, how she can't wait until I was off "the medicine", meaning pain killers.  Ellie said how she didn't want me to find a "new" way or "pain" so that I could keep using them.

You know what, that's a hell of an insult to me.

I'm the one who's cutting back on the pain med usage after the surgery right now, not her.  Not even the doctor is giving me suggestions of how much to cut back to.

When I cut back for about half a day, then I get nailed hard when my body's saturation level depletes and the pain completely hits me again.

Here, Ellie says, "Maybe you shouldn't have cut back so much?"

WTF!?

Ellie suggested that we go and see the marriage counselor again, which I am open to, because the marriage counselor is the same counselor I see in general.

When Ellie said I had to do it, I said that she could call the number on the back of the insurance card because it was the same phone number.

For whatever reason, this made her flip out some more.  "I don't want to do it!" she practically screamed at me.

Now, I wasn't telling her she had to do anything, I was just explaining how I do it.

I think Ellie just needs to see the counselor by herself.  Ellie doesn't handle stress well, and has bad anxiety problems...  Ellie will NEVER admit she has anxiety problems related to stress.  Nor will she ever take medication because of it, because "she's not crazy!"

I guess I'm one loony mother fucker then.

Now, I've been ragging on Ellie for most of this post, and it's only because I'm upset with her.

Mostly, I'm concerned about her more than anything else.

I Love Ellie!

Since I lost my job she's been riding on the edge.

Now going through the healing process of knee replacement has made this edge thinner.

Finally, working, and the kids going to school and sports, has made that edge a virtual piece of hair!

Yesterday, apparently, the thread she had been on snapped.

I love her, and I can't wait until I am recovered from the knee replacements and have another job.

The job can be any sort of hours right now, mostly because I want Ellie to struggle a little bit just for me to be employed.

It would be really good for her to struggle while I'm not at home to hear about it.

I'm sorry to say all of that Ellie.

I really, really love you!

It's been a while.

I went through a tough week or two emotionally.

I wound up in a manic state, but a really nasty type of manic state.

It's one of those fight or flight phases, but I mostly wanted to fight.

The mood problems are fueled by people at work, but mostly trying to control the anger I have regarding my knees.

Right now, I can probably get back into that state if I start to think about it again.

Just thinking that the knee replacement is going to be delayed again makes me want to punch a hole through the wall.

Last night Ellie started to bring up the meeting with the new surgeon, and I had to ask her to stop.

I don't need to start getting pissed all over again about it.

Well...

I didn't sleep good last night.... Again...

It wasn't the anger/mania...

Yes, it was knee pain... again... :(

It was in the middle of the left knee on the inside. (Medial, I think?)

Then the large cat of mine decided she had to get up on it and knead it, which made it hurt worse.

Rolling over to re-position it made my right hip hurt.

Even when I got up they both hurt.

Just seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  (Very cliche, right?)

Well...

I dunno.

Shit just happens, I guess. (Another cliche)

I guess to quote Stephen King's, "Dreamcatcher"..

Fuck me Freddy.

I have to write this down before I leave.

This last week, I've started to have that fight or flight type of feeling, with my heart racing off/on.  Or at least it feels like it's racing.

It was also because of the depression and anger from my cancel knee replacement.

The last few days, I've taken half of 25mg of Seroquel at night.

I know, I know, I know.

It messes with my blood pressure, but it's the only thing that can calm down what's happening to me.

Today, I'm going out to Ellie's folk's house with the Misses.

Ellie's mom asked for some help with her computer.

Well, I asked for the computer to be here, so that I can backup/image the drive.

Then I could start work on it...

Or

Get it ready to do a system restore, patch & upgrade everything, then restore her individual files.

She didn't want to do that.

She "needed" her data there too much to let me have it.

Well, I'm not certain what's up her butt about it... but there is.

Of course, she's still acting cold towards me...

That is...

Until she needs/wants something from me.

Then she's all buddy/pal/pal with me.

Well, I am still having trouble with the fight or flight problem...

AND

I've had a nasty sinus attack in the last hour.

The last few days I've been battling a nasty cold.

Today, I thought I'd use a sinus rinse with a nose "douche" to wash out my sinuses.

I got a lot of green goo out, but it also triggered my sinus attack.

Just now, I'm starting to feel better, but that's probably from the pain killer I took and the Claritin.

Which means it's more than likely allergy related and not a cold.

Or perhaps it's a sinus infection.

Or perhaps, again, what got washed up into the upper sinuses that's causing the pain finally moved/released/drained/etc.

I just hope that whatever is giving me the fight or flight is calmed down now.

It usually agitates me into an angry state and I tend to lash out.

That and I usually just become the worlds biggest asshole.

God bless, and remember this Easter that Jesus lives!

...for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/rom/12.19?lang=eng#18)

I wanted to write this up, because this has been driving me a little nuts and it poses me more questions than answers right now.

Perhaps by writing up what I know and understand will help me with my answers.  Or at least ease my mind about these things.

Recently, if I haven't posted info on this recently, a "friend" of mine confessed that he had inappropriate sexual conduct with his daughter. He & his wife adopted this child as an infant.

I'm surprised and shocked at what he did!

Obviously.

Well, my thoughts have been circling around and around about forgiveness and justice for his sins.

Let me back up a second or two here.

This last Christmas, I really noticed the theme behind Christmas movies and stories, including The Story.

All of these stories are almost all about redemption.

Christmas Carol, is about redemption.  Scrooge's friend Marley warns him about his sins and gives him opportunities to learn about his errors and in general path towards redemption.

When Christ was born, this is the start of mankind's redemption.

While He was alive, Jesus taught us the rest of the Gospel and fulfilled the Judaic Laws.

Men could repent the whole time before His birth, but it wasn't until His death and resurrection, that we could receive a full remission of our sins.

God gave us the laws.

These laws exist to help us live our lives as He would have us.

However, if Laws are to exist, there must be a punishment for breaking these laws.

Without some form of redemption or repentance, the punishment will be given.

Jesus died and atoned for our sins.

What this means, is that when we fully repent of our sins, he will take our punishment.

In essence, he will atone or take those lashes meant for us.

Everyone has a chance at redemption.

EVERYONE.

Where does this head with regards to my friend?

Well...

There are many, many forms of sin.

What he committed is horrible!

In my opinion, all sexual and abuse towards non-adults is an abomination before God!

With the exception of punishment for those breaking laws, I believe that any form of abuse towards ANYONE is a sin!

Abusing someone is taking away their rights & freedom.

The abuser performs actions against the victims by taking away their rights & freedom.

Whether verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual, it's all WRONG!

Now, vengeance...

I really, really hate knowing, hearing and learning about things like this.

My memory has a been really good tool for me, but it is also a cruel curse.  I remember and can recall terrible things I've done and things I've seen & heard.

For me to learn that a friend has done this terrible deed is very hard on me.

Emotionally, I want to cry, shout, throw things and in short, throw a tantrum because of his actions.

Getting to the message here:

What should happen to him?

I cannot say.

There are lots of things that I would like to have or heard done to him.

Yet, it's not my place.

Since he also has a chance at redemption...

Should he forgiven?

Will he be forgiven?

Can he find a true repentance for this sin?

Or does his repentance for this sin only lower the punishment?

With his repentance, is it going to be where he's "paroled for good behavior"?

Will he get punishment, but not the full brunt of it?

I don't know.


Should I be worried for him?

No.

Well, as a Christian...
And just in general for who I am...
I do worry for him...

BUT

I want justice and punishment to be delivered for this abhorrence!

Here's my problem.

He's not my family.

I'm not related or connected to his family in anyway, but by him.

Yet, why I do I feel so much pain for his family over this?

After I learned that this happened, I offered to help his wife with their computer needs and try to liquidate his radios & equipment.

While, I am going to buy & trade work for his HF radio & associated equipment, it's not the reason why I'm doing this.

My intent of helping them was not to buy or take his stuff...

I don't know, I feel that they need my charity.

I cannot afford to give them any finances, I can give them my time...

In short, since I am not going to get any sort of Vengeance for this, and it's not really my place...

I can get peace...

More importantly.

I can give of my services to his family.

I don't necessarily know why I need to do this...

I just need to.

I hate being bipolar!

Being bipolar and successful is not for pussies.

Right now, I don't know how I'm surviving like I haven't been.

I am or was a successful software developer.

Seriously.

What I have going on right now, is scaring me again.

I don't honestly know where to go or what to do.

On Thursday, I spoke with a gal in HR, since she was concerned with my pain.

She pushed at me pretty hard about my working arrangements.

I'm worried by the way she was acting/talking to me.

Remember, I work from home for MANY reasons.

These days the #1 reason is because of the pain and associated lack of sleep from my arthritic knees.

The other reasons are also associated from the knees.

Should I be driving because of my pain medication intake?

Stereotypically, no.

Doctors and law enforcement don't want people driving who are under the influence of pain medication.

I'm worried and scared.

Yesterday, Ellie fed my anxiety and depression, without meaning to.

She started the conversation with, "I need to talk to you about something."

Her sister, who works at the hospital, told her in a very, very helpful way that the Surgeon we were going to see might only perform surgeries at a hospital that my insurance might not 100% cover.  That perhaps, we should call and see if this is true, then to reschedule with another surgeon who does.

After hearing it, I was very upset and almost started to cry.

So I got upset and got ready to leave.

I actually needed to go shopping to get a few things for dinner.

At the store, I really really just wanted to buy lots of food and junk to feed my anger and depression.

No wonder so many of us with mental health issues are fat fuckers.

Even today I'm worried and scared.

I know taking Xanax can help, but then I'm drowsy as all fuck.

Then it's even harder to work.

Working is a big problem for me these days again.

I just can't always seem to work.

Today, I also have an appointment with my doctor for my quarterly pain medication refills.

I invited Ellie along, and now I don't think I wan her there.

I really want to ask the doctor for something to help me focus on work.

I'm really having a hard time focusing.

Even when I take caffeine, sugar, etc. to try and boost my alertness, I can't seem to work.

These days, I'm thinning out, but it's also because it's driven by emotions.

Well, I'm off to try and work some more...

Someone had better be dead, deathly sick, suspended or on their way to prison...

My damn knee surgery has been cancelled!

The mother fucker's office, called me right out of the blue on Friday telling me that the surgery was cancelled and that they weren't scheduling any further things with this doctor.

So WTF!?

I'm glad Little Miss was home from school sick that day.

I don't honestly know what I would've done.

Today, I'm fairly calm compared to the swearing and crying I did on Friday and Saturday.

It was complete shit for me to go through.

All weekend and even last night, I didn't sleep good.

Over the weekend, Ellie's sister suggested that I call and get the records in any form possible, including X-Rays/images, and a letter/statement why the surgery was cancelled.

The records department was very good about getting me the info I needed to fill out to get the records requested.

Then I had to speak to the main desk at the surgeon's office and ask them for an official letter,which they said would be mailed to me soon.

I also told them to get it to the other surgeon's office so that I could avoid having to go through all of these tests again.
Last night, I believe I averaged about 2 hours of sleep before waking up in a great deal of pain, rolling over then eventually falling to sleep again.

I have been thinking about my sleep patterns for the past few months.

It's a freakin' miracle if I sleep completely through the night,1-2 nights a month.

It's freakin' lucky if I sleep 4-6 hours straight 1-4 nights a month.

I'm lucky if I sleep 2-4 hours straight the rest of the time.

Completely fucked, if I sleep 1 hour at a time, or at all.

Thinking about all of this shit...

Needless to say, I'm not sure how I really feel about my last post.

After all, that salad dissertation has been in the back of my mind a lot right now.

I really don't want to be known or think of myself as:

• the who's always in pain...
• the guy who's knees are really messed up...
• the guy who's always swearing and complaining.

Being upset with a foul mouth like mine can really get you into trouble.

Friday night, Ellie, the Misses & I went to a local food place to eat "in".  It's kind of a fast food place, but it makes almost full meals, and you order and bring it home.

I didn't necessarily feel good at first, mostly because it almost always seems that no one can just getup and go out somewhere.

Well at the place we were ordering from, I couldn't really read their freakin' menu and what I ordered was supposed to be "mini" because I wasn't really hungry.

On the way home, Ellie started into her tirade about how my car makes this noise, or that noise and that she didn't think it was safe...

blah
blah
blah

Well, I got pissed when we got home and I left the car telling her that perhaps she should get it fixed and quit complaining about it so much.

Maybe I didn't say it, but I sure as heck thought it.

Well, when we got inside, the kids were trying to distribute the food and I was doing something else.

When I saw the size of the "mini" thing, I got pissed.

I thought Ellie had ordered it and I didn't want anything that big at all!

I tried to cut it in half, then decided I should quarter it.

When I couldn't do it easily I gave up on the thing.

We had been watching the "Heroes" TV series on DVD's recently.

I told them to just start it and that I didn't care.

Ellie started to push me to sit down and watch it, even when I said I didn't care and that they should just watch the shows anyway.

I was tired, but Ellie really cornered me out there in front the Misses and I got mad and told her that I was going to sit here, even though I didn't want to.

Then she went into how I should take a pill...

Well, I got mad and told her that I was OK and to just leave me alone.

So, I sat there and knit a few rows of this nightmare of a project.

Then I got so tired I told her I was going to bed.

I wasn't mad, I wasn't upset...

I was just TIRED.

After all, I haven't slept good in weeks! or more!

Well, I went into the bedroom, laid down.

I woke up on Saturday...

I mean, I woke up only on Saturday morning, and I was still mad about the car.

So we started talking about it.

Now, I had talked to a mechanic several times about it, and it's a noisy power steering pump.

I talked to the mechanics several times.

Ellie just knows that it makes noise and said that the mechanic said it needed to be replaced.

Well, this got to be a "I'm a better expert" or "I know more than you do" conversation... again...

I got mad, and pissed, so I told her if she knew so f-ing much then she should get it fixed.

Well, Ellie flew into a pissed off tirade and said that she should leave.

I told her to go.

I was mad, and she was mad.

I am just mad that she can't just stop and listen sometimes.

Seriously, I know she hears me, but doesn't always listen.

She left, really, really pissed off.

Before she left, I asked her if she was going to wake up the Misses and drive being as pissed off as she was.

She stopped for a second and then left.

I got worried, because she didn't take her phone.

Finally, I looked at the calendar and realized she had a nail appointment around the same time.

Ellie did return home and showed me her nails, but she was still really pissed off.

A bit later, I decided I was going to crawl under the house to spread some insecticide around the kitchen area.

During my crawling endeavour, I hurt my knee several times, banged my head and started to really feel suffocated from all the gear I had on. (Gloves, long sleeved shirt, bandanna around my mouth, etc)

This didn't help anything.

I finally decided after I couldn't really get to where I wanted to get easily, I crawled out.

When I got out, I stepped into the shower full dressed.

I did this because the knee surgery process is highly focused on an almost sterile process before the surgery.  I wanted to minimize the amount of "non-normal" dirt in the house.

The shoes got rinsed/washed out well, the socks, long sleeved coat, pants, shirts, etc...

As I did this I tossed them onto floor.

When I was done, and dried, I went into the bathroom, threw them into a hamper and drug it back to the utility room.

Swearing and using the f-word most of the time whenever things really hurt.

When I finally sat down, it hit me that Ellie had been avoiding me, with the exception of any direct questions.

It was shortly after that, when Ellie and I talked about things.

We discussed how the F-word was, really, really bad... and Ellie is VERY offended that it was used towards her.

We talked about the car, which I reminded her was possibly the 4th or 6th time we had this discussion about the car in the last 4 months.

Part of this discussion went into things that we hadn't been doing, which turned out that we're not communicating about very good (figures right?)...

Ellie said that she had to be able to express her feelings or she would feel controlled.

I told her the same thing and that I, more often than not, don't do and usually feel that she never let me do...

She thought about it and I think she did understand that it did happen.

Finally, we got to how I was being cornered the night before about the damn TV show.

She apologized for it.

Then we discussed the Bipolar Disorder problems.

Bipolar is a terrible thing to deal with.

It's not for sissies on either side of it.

You can't be a sissy and suffer with it...

Nor can you be a sissy and be married or involved with a Bipolar person.

If you've been following this blog, you know that I am abhorred by the actions that have happened in the past and even recently because of the problems being bipolar causes.

Ellie thought I was using being Bipolar as an "excuse" for things, but I told her that I don't hide behind it and I really don't think it was fair.

I accept the actions that I took, although I can say that being Bipolar influences a lot of my actions.

I pointed out those journal entries that I recently added to this blog... How I realized the problem was there and I had to do something.

It was a real big problem trying to figure out how to deal with things...

I never tried to hide and excuse my stupid actions as... "I'm sorry, my bipolar made me do that".

Bipolar does affect things and at least these days, I realize that a problem is happening...

Unfortunately I might not realize it right away....

But I AM trying really, really hard to recognize when a problem is happening and to think, why am I doing this?

Am I really justified in my actions and thoughts?

As part of my journal entries, I told Ellie that the pain from those sinus headaches was also a very large problem and influence on my actions.

These days, I rarely get sinus problems, since I started using or have a cool mist humidifier running almost all the time I'm working.

Or I suppose, I am in an an environment with higher humidity.

My intake of pain killers for the sinus pain is almost 0 these days.

I'm very, very excited for this upcoming knee replacement.

It's part of the final steps towards the elimination of my major source of pain.

In short, because I'm rambling on and the ramble is going to be another entry...

I love Ellie!

It's not that we can't disagree.

It's just that I need to keep my dang mouth in check around everyone more often and keep away from the F-Word..

Which is really hard for me whenever I'm under great duress.

The duress/stress/pain only contributes to the problem...

It does not make me use the word.

I'm sorry my dearest Ellie!

Manual Entry - Monday, May 7, 2012

Dr. Bxxxx ordered that the Seroquel be stopped.  Gave me some Xanax for the pain/anxiety.

I know that I didn't sleep well that night either.  My legs & head hurt and the Xanax didn't put me to sleep.  I slept for 3-4 hours before getting up and starting work.

We saw Dr. Txxxx on the 3rd.  He really only seemed to think that I was depressed after talking to Ellie.

He didn't think much of the Xanax from Dr. Bxxxx, but it did help calm me down.  I don't use it much though.

Ellie and the girls left Friday afternoon for their trip.

My Uncle and I watched "War Horse" and I stayed up watching a "House M.D." dvd.

Dr. Txxxxput me on Venlafaxine ER, 75mg.  1 for 3 days then 3 every day/morn.

Weekend w/o Ellie & girls was good.  Except that I didn't sleep well Friday night.

Actually, here's what happened Friday:

I got up by 5:30 AM & started work.

I also started process of backing up Ellie's H.D.

I worked till around 9:00AM and felt so tired and didn't really do anything that I went back to bed and slept till 1-3PM.

That night after hours of TV, I couldn't sleep, so I went to work and really got a lot done.

I stopped @ 3:00AM Sat. morn.

Sat. I got up around 8:30AM, cleaned the garage a bit, put up another shelf and organized the tumbler grit.

I also sorted out the tire weights from the local tire company, I got for making bullets.

While doing it I got an idea how to mount my banjo & resonator.

I bought screws for it then felt really tired and took a nap.

When I got up, I started thinking about the banjo and changed my mind again and bought some different screws.

I worked on the banjo till it was done and went to bed around 9:00PM.

Today, Monday, I felt kind of on edge.  Not fight or flight or nervous.

Rather, I felt on the verge of crying off and on all day.

I don't know why.

Maybe this Venlafaxine ER. wasn't working yet.

I got a lot of work done, caught up on my documentation for work, despite this problem.

Maybe I should use the Xanax?

For now, I will practice my banjo and rest.

I feel the need to apologize to almost everyone and to hug people.

Even my coworkers.

I don't know why.

Manual Entry - Monday, April 30, 2012

A lot has happened since the last entry.

My eyes are still kind of messed up, but are getting better it seems.  I stopped Cymbalta and started into a hypo-manic episode that really kicked off the 23rd.

From waking up Monday through Tuesday around 1:30 Tuesday, I did not sleep.

I did work, from 12:00AM-6:30AM.  Afterwords, I laid in bed, watched "Young Guns."  Read some books, did a few crosswords and finally took a benadryl and slept for about 3-4 hours.

Tuesday night it happened again, instead of 12:00AM, I started at 11:00PM.  Worked till 5:00AM or so.

While I was working, I was working hard.  Really hard.  Best that I could describe it is as though I was the character "Neo" from "The Matrix", when he realized he could see the code and the make up of everything around him.  I too got to a point where the code base & framework that was new to me all made sense.

Weds. morn, after work, I took another benadryl and slept till 3:30PM.

I want to step back a bit, and mention that I started to step back into my mood/nasty state.  Ellie and I agreed I needed a change.  Dr. Bxxx upped the Gabapentin to 1 capsule twice a day.  That was on Tuesday, I think.

Weds. night, I took half an Ambien and waited till close to 1:00 AM before I went out.

Thursday, I awoke OK, got a lot of work done.  Noticed that I felt like I was enraged, but I didn't have a cause.  I talked Cliff's ear off to/from our banjo class.  Not normal talking, but high speed communications.

Since the increase of Gabapentin, I've been waking up early morning, taking a piss & then all but collapsing in bed to sleep again.

Friday morning wasn't much different except I awoke around 1:30AM.

While pissing, my knees buckled.  Yes, I was standing and my knees rammed into the sides of the bowl and I collapsed all the way down and laid on my back.

I didn't think that I made much noise, but it got Ellie up.  I don't even remember if I finished peeing or not, or if it just ran all over the floor.

Ellie managed to help me to bed.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  Ellie wanted me to go to the E.R.

I refused, since all I wanted was to sleep.

After a lot of moaning by me and arguing by Ellie, I had her take my B.P.  It was very low. 84/52.

At that point, I consented to let Ellie call 911.

The E.M.T. measured by BP too and it was already a bit higher.

Since we paid for Fire-Med, I consented for them to take me to the E.R.

Before leaving the curb, they installed an I.V. line & did an EKG.

While at the E.R.:

• I slept a bit.
• Swore/cusses/etc
• Managed to stand & pee again.
• With more swearing, because Ellie was too aggressive with the urinal
•  Let them do an EKG, with the more precise machines.

In short, I could've stayed at home and slept really well and not cussed much more.

Once more, I need to interject a missing tidbit here.

Thursday morning, I got a call in response to a message I left with Dr. Bxxxx on Weds.  They suggested & urged me to see a Dr. that day (Thursday).

I saw Dr. Pxxxx, not the one I thought he was, but his brother.

I hashed out what was happening about insomnia, anger/rage, migraines, arthritis, that the brain/head MRI & blood tests were all normal.

SO WTF?

I cussed in front of him, I told him that I was really tired and that my dad was diagnosed as bipolar and I remembered some of his mood swings.

I further explained that I found a woman's bipolar video/youtube Blog and before I really knew it, I watched everyone of her videos and felt connected.

Dr. Pxxxx had been researching on his iPhone and said he agreed with me.  He gave me samples of Seroquel.

Told me to keep taking the Gabapentin and take 2 Seroquel a ngiht.

So I did, and now, you have the full insight of what happened before my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.

The rest... WAIT!  One more item!  I used a few 10mg oxycodone pills Thursday and the last one was around 7:00PM.

The rest of the weekend, I pretty much did nothing else but slept.  I did go to church on Sunday and stood when my name was called, to accept a calling as a Ward missionary.  I didn't stay to be set apart, because I was tired and not feeling well.

I pulled out the banjo and sat practicing outside in the shade of the apple trees on the garden swing.

It was refreshing and the warm sun, combined with the cool breeze felt akin to heaven.

I took the Seroquel meds, fell asleep a bit after.

Monday I awoke earlier than anticipated, 7:30AM.

I started work around 8:00AM, but couldn't get into it until around 1:00PM.

We got a call from the Dr., about the E.R. visit, and Ellie & I will see him Tuesday morn.

Maybe things are finally working out.  I need to tell the Dr. that I haven't had an Allergy shot since, January.

Manual Entry - Monday, April 9, 2012

Last wee I had an appointment with Dr. (Primary Dr at the time)  We changed the pain med from percocet to pure oxycodone in case of problems where I need more relief w/o problems from Tylenol.

He had results from the MRI of the day before and the results of all blood tests.  Nothing wrong, everything looked good to which I could only answer "Fuck!"

I didn't show it, but I wanted to hit or kick something though.

I also met with (counselor) on the same day and expressed that I was getting to a point that I felt that I was going insane.  She looked a bit shocked when I told her I hadn't showered or bathed for almost four days when I took a bath the night before the appointments.

It's not that I don't want to be clean, it's just that it feels like I am out of time to do it, with how late I get up and how I don't always sleep well.

Ellie tries to make certain that I shower every other day or so.  It seems like a chore some days.

Since Dr. (primary) increased the Cymbalta to 2 pills a day, I've felt a lot better, but I still have a hard time focusing & completing work.

If I get engaged by a coworker or manager, I tend to enliven a bit and work a bit better for a while, then it's back to my zombie like state of existence.

Today, I found that I had been awarded a $1000 gift award because I put together a really crazy piece of code that most people thought was impossible.

Right now I should feel pretty good, but I feel really irritated like I just want to be angry and spend the rest of the night cussing.

Today, I got more work done and found an exception I need to track down, but wasn't able to work on it because of distractions & backup has started.

I need to start practicing my chord finger positions on my banjo for class.

I almost have the forward roll pattern worked out to where it's almost automatic now - AKA - muscle memory of the fingers.

My body is tired, but I know I won't be able to sleep well tonight.  Currently my heart is racing a little bit again, although I don't know why.  I didn't use too much caffeine today, only 600 mg (3 No-Doze).

When I have trouble staying awake or sometimes a headache that won't go away or trouble focusing, I'll use caffeine.  Today, it was that I couldn't focus at first, then I got really tired around mid-day.

Why doesn't she trust/believe me!?

A few weeks ago, I noted where my boss flipped out because I didn't make it to a meeting on time, and also flipped out on ALL the rest of us.

I told Ellie about this, thinking she would agree that he was acting like a whiny baby...

BUT...

She flipped out and started lecturing me about how I am in trouble and I might lose my job, etc.

In actuality, his actions would cost him his job, because how he sent out the emails and tone in the email.

The boss had asked me in the past, if we weren't going to make it on time or miss the meeting that we send him a status update on our current project(s).

He also knows of my disability and if I told him about the pain/missing the meeting/etc, he would understand. ALSO, HR is involved with the disabilities, so EVERYONE who's ANYONE that needs to be involved for this, is involved.

Well, today...

Rather, last night, I was working late, so I sent the boss an email.

I explained that I sent this email out to the Boss, to Ellie last night.

Last night, I didn't fall asleep till close to midnight... then I got up around 2:00 and stayed awake for another hour... after that, I woke up on/off because of PAIN.

This morning, Ellie started harping on me about not getting up for the meeting, and how I was going to be late, etc.

WTF!?

Didn't I tell her the night before that I had taken all the necessary steps the Boss required of me for these meetings!?

She just kept harping on me until I got up and got dressed.

By then, I was already LATE!

When I finally got connected to the conference call meeting, the boss said, "hey, I'm glad you were able to dial in."

He said it friendly, not mean...

He EXPECTED me to be late because of my email!

Ellie has got to get off of my ass!

Manual Entry - Sunday, March 25, 2012

Kids were watching "Dolphin Tale" when I got up.  I let Ellie to sleep, got my Uncle his paper so he wouldn't have to worry about tripping over the kids getting to the front door.

I cooked his breakfast and cleaned up the dinner dishes from Sat. night.

We got a call from Ellie's parents for the girls to go and spend a few days there.

Since we were going out there, Ellie wanted to get her dad a birthday present so that we wouldn't forget and he would be out of town the next weekend.

I called and ordered some take n' bake pizzas and confirmed that Nursery had the right tree her parents wanted.

After I finished dressing for church, I drove over and picked up the pizza and tree.

I don't know why, but I get angry driving sometimes.  I wasn't irate, but I swore more than I liked.

Side-note, I backed off to half dose of blood pressure med since I was getting light headed & dizzy at times.

I don't know why, but on the way to my in-laws house, I felt really angry... like I wanted or needed to yell or cuss.  The sensation didn't pass until after we ate and I started to knit on a project.

Came home around 9:00 PM.  I tried to sleep and couldn't.  Mostly tossed & turned, felt hot, then cold again, then hot, etc.

So like what the fuck? Seriously! What the Fuck!? (WTF)

A friend of mine, a fellow HAM radio operator and coworker had been missing or not responding to emails or text messages for quite sometime.

Today, I asked another coworker & friend who sits near/next to him if he'd heard about him.

This other coworker said he knew a little and then sent me a link to a prison/police booking site.

My HAM radio friend's fucking mug shot was there along with a brief summary of why he was arrested.

The booking summary indicated that he was arrested for sexual misconduct with a minor.

When I saw that, I almost burst into tears!

The page indicated that he was arrested back in January.

That fucker!

Since it had been almost a month, I looked for his home phone so that I could contact his wife.

See, I had loaned him someone else's CW/Morse code paddles.

The owner of the paddles wanted them back.

A few hours ago, I stopped in at their place to pick up the paddles and give his wife my sympathy and offer her any assistance.

I didn't press my friend's wife for any details, and she didn't offer any except that it involved their adopted daughter and that she knew about it for a little bit.

How long? I don't know as I didn't need to know.

She just said that she couldn't live with it, so she and him went to the police station and he confessed to it.

I offered to help her liquidate his radio equipment so that she could continue making house payments and utilities.

He was obviously fired from work, so she needed the funds to make up for the loss of his income.

That fucking asshole!

His wife and I chatted for about an hour, but I stayed away from the actual details of when & what happened.

I really like his wife, she's a really, really sweet person.

I hope that she and their children can get through things quickly.

While I don't know his wife & children very well, I do feel a great deal of love and devotion towards them.

May God bless and keep them!

Manual Entry - Saturday, March 24, 2012

My stomach still didn't feel better when I arose.

Ellie & the girls worked on the girls' room, it was very messy & cluttered.

Not feeling well, I moped & read "The Drawing of the Three".  It is the next book in the "Dark Tower" series.

Close to 12:00 noon, I got dressed in work pants and went outside to rotor-till the garden.  For some reason, I remember feeling extremely angry.  I had to carry the tiller from the garage and then it wouldn't always stay running, so I hit it with my fist.  It hurt so the swearing started getting worse.  I did manage to till an area large enough for the cold weather plants before I got too much more mad.

I setup one of my new tools in the shop and organize a few small things.

My head was starting to hurt real bad by then so I went inside after putting the tiller away took 1 pain pill and sat down to read some more.

I made dinner, which I refer to as "S.O.R."  That's either "Stuff on Rice' or "Shit on Rice".  It was good & had seconds, even Little Miss had more.

I wanted to make love to Ellie, but I wasn't really motivated so I went to sleep.

It's finally happened... Ding dong the wicked ....

I always thought when it happened I would be doing back flips or something.

Yet, while I am emotionally relieved, I feel bad for Giant/Old Miss.

My oldest daughter, who I believe I used to call Big Miss here, I am now calling Giant Miss.

Last week, she called me and told me her mom had been admitted to the hospital for severe bronchitis symptoms/problems.

Now, Big Miss said that her mom was having problems for over a week and they hadn't gone to the hospital no less to a doctor.

They live in a small city about 30 miles from the next larger city with doctors & hospitals.

The story that Giant Miss gave me for her mom not going in sooner was that they "couldn't" get a ride from anyone.

None of their "friends" were able to give them a ride, nor could her grandmother or others they knew.

I asked if they had called anyone at church or asked the person who lived next door.  Or WTF not call 911 for an ambulance.

An ambulance would've gone out there and picked her up.


This morning Giant Miss called me in tears.

Her mother, my ex-wife, had died.

When she called in tears, I knew what had happened.

It wasn't necessarily a surprise when Giant Miss told me.

It was a relief in many facets.

• My ex had been the a tormentor and source of so much turmoil in my life.
• She told so many lies to people where we had lived
• I had no idea who believed what at church.
• I got so many bad looks and avoidance that it was very hurtful.
• Many of my friends avoided me for awhile.
• It was about 6-9 months after she left that I finally found out what she said.

What I really had concern about was that Giant Miss was really overcome with grief.

Her mom "raised" her and hid her from me since they left.

The only time I usually heard from my ex, was when she wanted something.

• Where's the child support?
• This was withheld from me in my paycheck.
• I had no control over this.
• I wasn't going to call my payroll for it, because they just took it and handed it over to the child support people.
• I need more money.
• Bullshit.
• What happened to the child support money?
• I already have another family, bills and other stuff to pay for.
• I'm still paying for a shit load of the debt you left me in!

 I have many, many, many bad things to say about my ex.

After all, I did complain about many of them above.

There were many times when Giant Miss was a youth that I wished her mom would pass on, so that Giant Miss would have to live here with Ellie and I.

That never happened.

When Giant Miss lived here a few years ago, I never spoke ill of her mom, nor did I go into any great details of how terrible of a person I thought her mom was.

In short.

I want to dance and celebrate...

but...

I also want Giant Miss to know that I really don't wish ill of anyone.

For Giant Miss, I feel sorry for her loss.

14th annivesary of the 9/11/2011 attack and I'm shocked at how the video playback started!

If you don't remember at that time, I was on the Department of Defense contract as the primary support contact for the all of the armed forces.

I had been on that contract for less than a year when this attack happened.

I feel very connected to the military and very connected to the events of 9/11.

Today, when I started up the video playback through FoxNews.com, I originally did it from FireFox where I have Ad-Block-Plus configured.

The video playback kicked off and worked just fine.

I can't just sit there watch the whole presentation through FireFox because it is my research web browser for work, and I could watch/listen to the service through another browser.

My only other browser, because I'm on my work computer, is IE.

When I opened FoxNews.com and started up the video playback, I was presented with a commercial about how embarrassing it was for this lady to shit in a public bathroom.  I never actually watched the full video as I clicked on "skip" as soon as I possibly could!

Now, I understand advertising and making money.  It's the American way!

However, for 9/11, the largest and nastiest attack on American soil since Pearl Harbor, you'd figure they would suspend their freaking advertising!

If they were going to keep the advertising, then why not a short or simply picture.

WTF would you put a video advertisement about some chick shitting on public toilet!?

I guess it's not all FoxNews' fault, but also the fault of Apple for creating the stupid commercial in the first place.

Thanks Apple and FoxNews for making a generally nice video experience into a really stupid memory of your incompetence to make money!

Love in an elevator... Loving me up as i go down..... Zzzzzz

The past few days I've been more crabby, sarcastic and meaner than usual (with everyone that's not my family).

Last night, if people paid attention and listened to me, I'd probably started a fight.

Today when I got up, things were awesome and a few hours later I realized I was in a pleasant manic state...

Unfortunately, this dropped back to my nasty state again and I was actually feeling aggressive beyond control.

Months ago, I told myself I wasn't going to take Seroquel because it messed with my body pressure...

Today, I took it anyway.

Did it help me emotionally?

Yes.

Did it mess with my body?

Hell fucking yes!

I took one tried to work a little bit more, then went to pick up my daughter from school.

Sitting there waiting for her I fell to sleep.

Not a just little bit, almost a stupor.

I had a bit of a time getting alert enough to drive us home.

Luckily, speed where we live is about 25mph, so driving slowly didn't look out of the usual.

When we got home, I went to bed and slept about 6 hours.

Now I'm trying to wake up some more and might spend the entire night awake.

Lord knows I am not taking that stuff again!

You call that an antenna?

MY FUCKING FEET HURT!

SORRY TO KEEP BITCHING ABOUT IT!

They fucking hurt!

It's been a real pain the ass the last week or so.

At work, I was given sole responsibility over the Linux part of our application.

Coding for it isn't hard.

What's been a HUGE pain in the fucking ass has been getting the fucking .NET libraries statically linked up for use on a 32-bit system.

64-bit systems!?

That's a piece of cake!

Their fucking stuff works for it.

When trying to utilize their shit for 32-bit, it fails.

I've setup about 4-5 different Linux servers & workstations from RedHat 6.5, 5.5 Fedora 16, SUSE, in both  64-bit & 32-bit.

Not only have a become a fucking ace at running installations, I also know how to use "yum" pretty damn well too.

Although... I think Linux, in many ways, is limited in its current configuration for getting software, drivers & other components fully operational without either half assing it or leaving it "working", while it could be "excellent".

It reminds me of the mentality of some of the guys in India I worked with.  They would get things "working", but never really beyond, "it works".

When I've worked on new technology and components, I not only show them that "it works", "it works and brews you the best, fucking and damned best coffee in the fucking universe!"

This let down process, while I am getting experience from it, it a HUGE let down.

Seriously, after over two weeks worth of work, I don't feel that I'm any closer to getting the fucker ready to go.

Like Edison... I know a lot of ways to "not make a light bulb".

FUCK my left foot HURTS!

It's actually fucking throbbing and pulsing!

I took 3 of my "comfort/break through" pain pills.  Only because the fuckers really don't do a fucking thing!

Gosh fucking damn, am I in a fucking, fucked up, fucking mood. (There... 4 fucking times in a single fucking sentence and it makes sense... at least to a fuckhead like me!)

Being in this mood, or rather before I got to this extent, I was going online to finally setup online access for our Bank Account(s).

You get asked shit like, what's your SSN, bank account, phone number, birth date, how many pubic hairs does it take to wrap around your pecker... (*snicker*  that one actually make me laugh out loud)

The point about the damn online Bank access was that no matter how many times I put in the CORRECT information the fucking thing wouldn't work.

So, Ellie called them, and while she was on the phone I went and laid down.  (I was already getting to this pissed off state.)

Unbeknownst to me, I got a call on my cell phone from the fucking bank person about my account, and to get  a paper so that I can setup my fucking online account.

I didn't want to deal with it right then, but the bitch on the phone felt I should have it...  Fuck her...

So I was polite, got up, got a pen and paper, and wrote it down.

Then after I hung up, I tried to go online with the bastard thing, and it was still fucked up.

I figured WTF?

I'll get the checkbook..

Again...

Unbeknownst to me Ellie's friend Sally showed up, and wouldn't shut up enough so that I could talk to Ellie about it...

So I just tossed the checkbook to the table and went and laid down.

Now here I am sitting in my fucking chair in the office, because I didn't want to try and write up all this shit from my cell phone.

So take that you dumb fucker!