Update on my girls...

My previous post gave a general update on what has been happening and here I'll try to focus on my girls, Giant Miss, now referred to as Giant Missus, Big Miss and Little Miss.  The girls are all adults and out of high school.

Starting with the youngest, Little Miss, in her Junior year of High School she started exhibiting signs of depression which only got worst when Big Miss Graduated.  They both had the same friends who also graduated that year and all of them either went to college or out on church missions.  Big Miss did alright with the changes because she was starting college and started attending the singles ward.  Unlike Little Miss, she gets along with people pretty well and quickly makes friends.  During Little Miss's Senior year of high school turned into a lot of stress because she was alone a lot at school and home because Big Miss wasn't there like she had been.

During the last few months of Little Miss's senior year, one of Ellie's students was given a puppy that they couldn't keep.  Ellie contacted me asking if we should get it for Little Miss as an emotional service animal.  I quickly said "Yes!"  Ever since then she and the dog have been best buddies.

Little Miss wanted to go into nursing and eventually work in the OR with anesthesiology.  She started college in the fall but wound up failing most of the classes.  It's sad because she's very talented and empathetic of others and she would've been so successful.  Maybe she'll come around circle soon and go back into school.  If she doesn't, it's okay.

It's been a while.

I went through a tough week or two emotionally.

I wound up in a manic state, but a really nasty type of manic state.

It's one of those fight or flight phases, but I mostly wanted to fight.

The mood problems are fueled by people at work, but mostly trying to control the anger I have regarding my knees.

Right now, I can probably get back into that state if I start to think about it again.

Just thinking that the knee replacement is going to be delayed again makes me want to punch a hole through the wall.

Last night Ellie started to bring up the meeting with the new surgeon, and I had to ask her to stop.

I don't need to start getting pissed all over again about it.

Well...

I didn't sleep good last night.... Again...

It wasn't the anger/mania...

Yes, it was knee pain... again... :(

It was in the middle of the left knee on the inside. (Medial, I think?)

Then the large cat of mine decided she had to get up on it and knead it, which made it hurt worse.

Rolling over to re-position it made my right hip hurt.

Even when I got up they both hurt.

Just seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  (Very cliche, right?)

Well...

I dunno.

Shit just happens, I guess. (Another cliche)

I guess to quote Stephen King's, "Dreamcatcher"..

Fuck me Freddy.

I have to write this down before I leave.

This last week, I've started to have that fight or flight type of feeling, with my heart racing off/on.  Or at least it feels like it's racing.

It was also because of the depression and anger from my cancel knee replacement.

The last few days, I've taken half of 25mg of Seroquel at night.

I know, I know, I know.

It messes with my blood pressure, but it's the only thing that can calm down what's happening to me.

Today, I'm going out to Ellie's folk's house with the Misses.

Ellie's mom asked for some help with her computer.

Well, I asked for the computer to be here, so that I can backup/image the drive.

Then I could start work on it...

Or

Get it ready to do a system restore, patch & upgrade everything, then restore her individual files.

She didn't want to do that.

She "needed" her data there too much to let me have it.

Well, I'm not certain what's up her butt about it... but there is.

Of course, she's still acting cold towards me...

That is...

Until she needs/wants something from me.

Then she's all buddy/pal/pal with me.

Well, I am still having trouble with the fight or flight problem...

AND

I've had a nasty sinus attack in the last hour.

The last few days I've been battling a nasty cold.

Today, I thought I'd use a sinus rinse with a nose "douche" to wash out my sinuses.

I got a lot of green goo out, but it also triggered my sinus attack.

Just now, I'm starting to feel better, but that's probably from the pain killer I took and the Claritin.

Which means it's more than likely allergy related and not a cold.

Or perhaps it's a sinus infection.

Or perhaps, again, what got washed up into the upper sinuses that's causing the pain finally moved/released/drained/etc.

I just hope that whatever is giving me the fight or flight is calmed down now.

It usually agitates me into an angry state and I tend to lash out.

That and I usually just become the worlds biggest asshole.

God bless, and remember this Easter that Jesus lives!

WTF ME?

I'm glad Ellie is here as my emotional support, but I really feel like a kid sucking on his mamma's tit some days.

I don't want to burden Ellie with my emotional baggage... but dammit.

It's hard to know where to turn.

Perhaps "The Standard Mormon Answer"?

Pray and read your scriptures

I know that's not just a Mormon answer.

It's the answer for every religion that I can think of.

My personal belief is that God doesn't punish people because they've done something wrong, because that would be jacked up.

I also don't believe that mental illness or emotional problems are also a punishment and that you've done something wrong, which is why you're fucked up.

However, I do understand that the Holy Ghost isn't as close when you're not attempting to be closer to God.

Maybe I just answered my own question...

I'll have to settle for a snowball because the consistency of shit varies too much.

At the time where my surgery was canceled, I was communicating with the short term disability company and HR.

When it was cancelled, I told them to cancel things and that I'd deal with the pain until the doctors could fix it.

Well, the HR chick got a bug up her ass about the "pain", and in her effort to "help" me, she actually made things worse.

On Friday, she asked that I call.

During the call, she started into how I should fill out this form, and that form, etc.

Then she started asking for more information that I really shouldn't have given her.

It really, really felt like a fucking ambush.

Today, I really, really regret talking to her.

I told her this in an email today.

She replied and asked if she should transfer this to another person.

DO YOU THINK?

Shit.

Then I sent her a reply that the email started out cancelling the Short Term Disability, and turned into a huge mess.

My anxiety already pretty high and my emotions are really fucked up.

Hell, a few hours ago, I left a message with my shrink about the possible need to start on antidepressants again.

I asked for Zoloft, because I know that doesn't fuck me up too much.

It's been over an hour since I sent the reply and she hasn't replied yet.

I think I'm just going to ignore her for a while and see what happens.

Perhaps this chick will just drop it.

Because I really don't know how much longer I can endure this stress.

This was my first time, and I'm nervous...

On Friday, I returned my old corporate laptop after I wiped the disk with a DOD standard wipe.

I went into the foyer and asked the receptionist to see if one of the "IT" guys would come down and pick it up, because I couldn't walk very well.

Without going into great detail, she essentially embarrassed me and forced me to walk part way down to deliver this laptop.

I'm pretty pissed and upset about this.

Today was the first time that I've ever submitted a harassment complaint through my manager to HR.

The boss said I should've gone to HR directly, but since I got him involved he had to take action and asked me to email summary.

I did this, and now I'm not sure WTF will happen.

I know this person didn't do it on purpose...

but dammit...

Why should all of my disability circumstance information be given to a security guard?

Why wouldn't this person offer to just have me sit...

Instead, she started giving me a bit of crap because I wanted to sit down on a chair with arms, instead of a couch where the arms are too far apart for me to use...

Wish me luck...

I guess.

Manual Entry - Monday, May 7, 2012

Dr. Bxxxx ordered that the Seroquel be stopped.  Gave me some Xanax for the pain/anxiety.

I know that I didn't sleep well that night either.  My legs & head hurt and the Xanax didn't put me to sleep.  I slept for 3-4 hours before getting up and starting work.

We saw Dr. Txxxx on the 3rd.  He really only seemed to think that I was depressed after talking to Ellie.

He didn't think much of the Xanax from Dr. Bxxxx, but it did help calm me down.  I don't use it much though.

Ellie and the girls left Friday afternoon for their trip.

My Uncle and I watched "War Horse" and I stayed up watching a "House M.D." dvd.

Dr. Txxxxput me on Venlafaxine ER, 75mg.  1 for 3 days then 3 every day/morn.

Weekend w/o Ellie & girls was good.  Except that I didn't sleep well Friday night.

Actually, here's what happened Friday:

I got up by 5:30 AM & started work.

I also started process of backing up Ellie's H.D.

I worked till around 9:00AM and felt so tired and didn't really do anything that I went back to bed and slept till 1-3PM.

That night after hours of TV, I couldn't sleep, so I went to work and really got a lot done.

I stopped @ 3:00AM Sat. morn.

Sat. I got up around 8:30AM, cleaned the garage a bit, put up another shelf and organized the tumbler grit.

I also sorted out the tire weights from the local tire company, I got for making bullets.

While doing it I got an idea how to mount my banjo & resonator.

I bought screws for it then felt really tired and took a nap.

When I got up, I started thinking about the banjo and changed my mind again and bought some different screws.

I worked on the banjo till it was done and went to bed around 9:00PM.

Today, Monday, I felt kind of on edge.  Not fight or flight or nervous.

Rather, I felt on the verge of crying off and on all day.

I don't know why.

Maybe this Venlafaxine ER. wasn't working yet.

I got a lot of work done, caught up on my documentation for work, despite this problem.

Maybe I should use the Xanax?

For now, I will practice my banjo and rest.

I feel the need to apologize to almost everyone and to hug people.

Even my coworkers.

I don't know why.

Manual Entry - Monday, March 26, 2012

Woke around 5:30 AM.  Tried to go back to sleep and couldn't.  Got up, dressed in shorts and went upstairs to work.

I checked on the YouTube videos from the bipolar gal I found last week.  Nothing new from her.

From there, I did more research on bipolar symptoms and also remembered that my recent blood withdraw was to test the thyroid.

Turns out that my hot/cold/depression symptoms could be thyroid, although many who are bipolar are treated for both.

I still question... Am I Bipolar?  My up swing moods do not happen very often unless I get into a mood to do something new or very different.  I used to buy things before I got married to Ellie.  Now I can't seem to get my mood up very often...  Where I feel the best is usually reading fiction... some place to escape to.

So like what the fuck? Seriously! What the Fuck!? (WTF)

A friend of mine, a fellow HAM radio operator and coworker had been missing or not responding to emails or text messages for quite sometime.

Today, I asked another coworker & friend who sits near/next to him if he'd heard about him.

This other coworker said he knew a little and then sent me a link to a prison/police booking site.

My HAM radio friend's fucking mug shot was there along with a brief summary of why he was arrested.

The booking summary indicated that he was arrested for sexual misconduct with a minor.

When I saw that, I almost burst into tears!

The page indicated that he was arrested back in January.

That fucker!

Since it had been almost a month, I looked for his home phone so that I could contact his wife.

See, I had loaned him someone else's CW/Morse code paddles.

The owner of the paddles wanted them back.

A few hours ago, I stopped in at their place to pick up the paddles and give his wife my sympathy and offer her any assistance.

I didn't press my friend's wife for any details, and she didn't offer any except that it involved their adopted daughter and that she knew about it for a little bit.

How long? I don't know as I didn't need to know.

She just said that she couldn't live with it, so she and him went to the police station and he confessed to it.

I offered to help her liquidate his radio equipment so that she could continue making house payments and utilities.

He was obviously fired from work, so she needed the funds to make up for the loss of his income.

That fucking asshole!

His wife and I chatted for about an hour, but I stayed away from the actual details of when & what happened.

I really like his wife, she's a really, really sweet person.

I hope that she and their children can get through things quickly.

While I don't know his wife & children very well, I do feel a great deal of love and devotion towards them.

May God bless and keep them!

I got fished slapped yesterday, by a bout of depression.

Yesterday, I got up and found that Ellie had gotten up a few minutes before I did.

She was already using the front bathroom, so I went to the one in the back of the house.

I returned to bed before she did, and I expected her to return to bed shortly after.

Instead, she was decided to make omelets for the family instead.

This wasn't entirely bad until she screamed/yelled like some sort of banshee.

Yesterday I changed the water filter in the refrigerator on Saturday afternoon.

Turns out the damn thing started slowly leaking, for the first time ever after I changed it.

This distressed me because she cannot communicate worth shit when stuff goes down!

She's usually too busy freaking out and panicking to communicate.

I got up, and finally had to look myself what the problem was.

Turned out that the egg cartons were soaked, and the crisper drawers had a good amount of water built up in them.

After we got it all sorted out, I told her I was waiting for her to come back to bed for a little bit.

She told me she didn't want to do "anything"...

Now, I told her it would've been better if she'd have just told me and possibly snuggled with me for a few minutes instead.

When I woke up, I felt like I needed some emotional support from Ellie.

This whole process really set my mood back pretty badly.

I started to tear up and cry a bit.

Ellie originally thought it was because she didn't want to have relations.

I just needed her with me for a bit.

My leg also hurt like hell, and I really have problems with depression right now.

Things started getting really bad for me.

Finally, I took some Xanax to help me calm down.

Ellie offered to serve me up some of the omelet/eggs she was cooking up and I refused.

I think it was 15-20 minutes later that I started to feel calmed down, so I got up.

The eggs and meat she cooked up were just going into the fridge, so I ate them.

When the kids asked why I wasn't out originally when it was being cooked, I told them that I was really sad because of the pain in my knee.

Little Miss leaned over and gave me a big hug.

Big Miss didn't hear or was too preoccupied with things already.

Later on, I hopped into the shower, almost got froze out during the last half of my shower, but managed to survive.

If it wasn't for the recognition of Little Miss turning 12, I would've stayed home from church.

Instead, I waited till after the Sacrament and limped to the car and came home.

I didn't expect to sleep, so I watched Grosse Point Blank and worked on knitting my socks.

Over the last two weeks, I've been using up my pain medication more than I expected.

In fact, I've almost doubled it.

My use is not more than my dosage/prescribed use.

It's just that I'm using the maximum allotment of those pills through the day.

Unfortunately, I've typically been using the maximum by lunch now.

Today hasn't been too bad, but it still hurts.

I haven't taken any of my day-time / breakthrough pills yet.

Hopefully, I won't need to take any today.

I love Ellie! General bitching, and WTF is a post from June 2015 so popular?

Last night Ellie and I had a bit of a tiff.

Nothing bad.

No yelling, screaming, nor anything that I hear from others who argue.

I made dinner for the Misses and myself.

It was sausage gravy with mashed potatoes, beets for Big Miss, Ellie and myself.  Little Miss doesn't like beets, so I was expecting her to eat spinach, which she loves.

Well, Ellie's targeted diet is towards vegetarian/vegan.

She didn't want to eat the food with the rest of us, because of the meat...

But...

Instead she pulled out these yummy pasta shells & cheese from Schwans.

They're full of cheese/dairy and fat.

Cooked them all and was about to eat them all.

I got pissed and told her that I was confused that she was being a hypocrite in her diet...

She'd eat the dairy/cheese/fat like that, but wouldn't eat the food with minimal amounts of dairy/fat/meat.

The ratio of sausage to the rest of the food was very little.

We got into the discussion of how to adapt the diet she's targeting with the diet the rest of us are eating.

It's important that we share and plan out our meals so that we can satisfy everyone without going back to a diet with very little veggies and fiber.

So, we got a vegetable soup all made up and into the crock-pot, which I turned on this morning after adding some Quinoa to it.

Last night, Ellie and I skipped our new regular "intellectual discussions", because it was getting late...

Unfortunately, it turned to the pain in my knees because it hurt like hell trying to sleep.

Our encounters help, because I participate heavily despite the knee pain.

It seems the endorphin's & what not really help to deal with the pain during and last for a while after.

The pain though is really bad, and I started into my blue funk state because it hurts no matter how I lay on it.

Rather, I can lay on my back without too much pain, but when I need to move, it really, really hurts.

It feels like ground hamburger in there with 3/4 minus gravel mixed in.

When moving the knee, it grinds the gravel further into the hamburger of the knee joint & bones, and hurts something awful.

I complained that there wasn't anything else that modern medicine could do, because I've done it all.

1. I lost weight.
1. Almost 50 pounds from my heaviest a few years ago.
2. Another 20 pounds since October.
2. I exercise the knee.
1. I use a small exercise ball and resistance band.
2. I continue to walk when it's not too awful, which is still an 8+ on the pain scale.
3. I cannot take NSAIDs.
1. I pee blood.
2. They cause me diarrhea. 
3. They contribute to my kidney stones
4. I have done cortisone injects.
1. Done in both knees multiple times.
2. Had it in my hips just before Christmas without success.
5. My use of opiods for pain only masks the pain.
6. Knee braces don't help, because they cannot change the pain caused by just the movement of the knee.
7. The left knee is the one that feels like gravel infused hamburger.
8. My right catches and pops with almost every step.
1. The catching gets worse the more I walk.
2. The pain also gets worse the more I walk.

I used to only take 1 of my "breakthrough" pain pills a day or less.

This lead me to a large reserve. (Almost 2 months extra!)

Recently, because of my pain severity, I've been using all 3 of my allotted "breakthrough" pills a day.

Even worse, I've started to use more than the 3.

Earlier this year, I was able lower my need for the buffered pain medication, so that I had almost a month and a half extra.

I had to start using 3 of those a day instead of my normal morning/night use. (12 hour difference.)

Where is this leading with my love for Ellie?

She's my strength and anchor in life, and really understands that I am not an addict with my pain medications.

Ellie was able to help calm me down and settle the depression funk I dropped into last night because the doctors usually treat me the same... "Pat me on the head and give me another supply of prescriptions for these "hard" pain medications. Then follow up with 'sorry...'"


Now to the June 3, 2015 post..

The title of it is "and if I get melancholy, which can happen, I expect you to be my companion and solace me."

Now that I look at the content of that post, I'm not certain if it's the title or the content.

You'll just have to read it to see if it's that intriguing. (http://jaredstrider.blogspot.com/2015/06/and-if-i-get-melancholy-which-can.html)

Am I or anyone else an actual "Man of Constant Sorrow"

I have often thought of the song "Man of Constant Sorrow" as my own personal theme song for several years.

Yet, a year ago, I started thinking about my life and if I really was in constant sorrow...

I wasn't!

Surely, there were a LOT of times of sorrow and pain.

Yet, there were MORE times that I experienced joy and happiness than actual sorrow, pain and helplessness. (That word has an awful lot of the letter "s", no? It still doesn't beat Mississippi for the "s" infamy.)

From my own personal experiences with depression in the bipolar world, it's really hard to try and think about anything other than the current pain and problems.

I've often heard many people say that you need to live your life in the "Now".

Then I've often heard others say to look forward for the "Future".

Another time I've heard "quit living in the past".

I suppose what I've learned is...

Look, remember and learn from the past.
Live and work on things that you can change right now.
Hope, plan and strive to change things in your future.

They're finally gone... but I sure as hell don't feel like celebrating...

Well, they say that with the thrill-seeking personality, what goes up must come down.

Top of the world one minute, sad the next.

Yes, sir, it's as if our old friend George is a alley cat and his own damn humors are swingin' him by the tail.

I'm glad that I'm by myself and things are quiet, but I already miss my family.

They've gone camping with Ellie's family.

I used to enjoy going camping up till several years ago.

One time I started having problems breathing and wheezing, but Ellie wanted to stay.

I wound up sleeping in the driver's seat of the van so that I could sleep in the first place.

The next time, was when it was well into the 90's here and sitting up at the camp site was miserable!

It was like sitting in a porta-potty all day long without the door being opened and the stink increasing!

I got very irritated with it, and finally had a chat with Ellie and told her I'd be happier back at home in the heat because I have the AC & fans!

Ellie wasn't very happy about that second one, but at least she understands now.

Camping just isn't fun to me anymore.

I really do hate it now!

Thinking about it, if my fucking body didn't age so badly, I would probably be more gung-ho!

As it stands now, I am finally sleeping well, after several years of waking up with shit loads of pain in my back, knees, etc.

Currently, I am feeling melancholy and very blue.

Problem is that they've only been gone for 30 minutes!

So here I sit over a bowl of ice cream feeling down.

That's other fucking pisser!

My weight is going back up!

Granted, for the past month+, I've been eating shit loads of ice cream and other high-sugar, not-so-good-for-me foods.

The cause of my weight problems, aside from my fucked up knees/legs, is my lack of good nutrition.

My fucking mouth hurts from the final tooth extraction, but it is getting better.

I dunno.

There's tons of work for me to do for my employer, but I really just want to sit around, nap & watch movies...

If I can get motivated, I will get my HF radio antenna mounted on the roof so that I can use my radio.

Having some sort of good success or feedback is a good mood lifter.

This is why I love being married to Ellie.

When we're able to, we go off on road trips and just do things.

We don't have to spend money, just go and do something.

Just to be with Ellie doing some sort of adventure is good for me.

I love Ellie very dearly!

Being Bipolar is walking a fine line some days...

This week has been a harder week than I've had for a few months.

I still crave something to boost my mood.

Yesterday, I almost dedicated another post to the self-medicating many people with emotional (mental health) problems do.

Honestly, right now, if I had access to my original pain medication, I really would take it.

I also thought that since marijuana is going to be legal soon, perhaps I'd look at that option...

Or smoking tobacco.

Or alcohol.

Of the options above, Ellie wouldn't approve of any of them.

Ellie would probably be OK with marijuana or tobacco over the others.

She'd probably be more OK with tobacco than all the others.

See, I know that I have problems with cravings for alcohol.

I have a brother who is an alcoholic and has a VERY addictive nature. (You might've seen this same info about "Fuckhead" on my other posts.)

To the credit and suggestion of good friends, I am trying the homeopathic route still.

Here's the fine line about being bipolar

Once your mood goes up, you then run the risk of going into a manic state.

Being manic can be fun, but it's also dangerous financially, emotionally, and many times for relationships.

Then as in all things...

What goes up, must also come down.

So, spiraling down into depression after being up and excited is terrible!

It's the worse sort of fucking pain that can be imagined.

So the cycle of self medicating starts again.

You start taking/doing stuff to get back on top of your mood, then fall flat on your ass...

That's why it's called bipolar.

You're rising and falling across the normal emotional "pole"

Unless you're able to control the extreme swings, you'll either be excited as hell or dragging your ass behind you....

Perhaps I am depressed...

If I had any of my original pain killers, I would consider taking one for two purposes.

Yes, it does elevate my mood, but it really does help with my arthritis pain.

So, it's not like I'm taking it solely for the mood changing effects.

What's even more alarming though...

I suppose if I had alcohol and could actually stand the taste of it, I'd have a drink... and possibly another one, and another one.

Although...

What I might think will "Help" might be a "fag". (Cigarette)

Although...

That won't really help me at all either.

You know, it's strange.

A person who thinks of himself as religious and a follower of the gospel of Christ, I sure feel like I've done something wrong even thought I don't think I did.

Seriously, if I knew repenting would solve my problems and improve how I feel, I sure as hell would.

Hell, I'd even go find a Catholic church, talk to a fucking priest and say a bunch of Hail Mary's...

However, since I can't think of anything I did wrong, nor what I might need to do right...

I just feel fucked.

If I took the rest of the day off, I know it wouldn't help my mood at all.

What I have going on right now, since I don't have anything to "rely" on, is that I'm eating like a fat bastard...

I'm not certain how to change my mood...

Perhaps, I need to start working from the office again, even though I hate working there.

It's too fucking hot and the lighting there is too fucking bright.

I also hate being interrupted by people and getting into conversations with people, only because I'm trying to be polite and listen to their unimportant bullshit.

Dumb fuckers.

"Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down past your knees, until you're almost walking on them." - Marge Simpson

That quote comes from a Simpsons episode where she tells Lisa why she has to wear a smile.

Today, and perhaps other days, I just don't feel like I can work around others.

Dress up like I would to be at the corporate building, and put on a smile and work.

I just don't feel "strong enough".

I'm sort of depressed, but not really depressed.

It has been starting by waking up on that new mattress with my back hurting.

Also, I am having trouble sleeping... again...

Mattress aside, I'm just having trouble sleeping.

With the weather turning warm, the kids are starting to sleep downstairs, and Ellie's still working, so I can't stay up watching movies like I want to.

This and yesterday morning I woke up with head congestion.

It took hours yesterday before I started to feel well.

Today, after almost 4 hours I'm still not feeling well.

"Everett, my beard itches"

WTF?

I hate the way emotional stuff goes.

All fucking day I'm tired as fucking hell.

So much so, that I sat in the couch for a few moments and wound up napping for a while.

Now that I'm trying to take an actual nap I'm not tired at all.

In fact I feel fucking wired now!

Oh fucking hell.

I'm going out to work on the fucking bed frame.

"Livin' it up when I'm goin' down..."

I dunno if "Love in an elevator" sums up how I feel...

Except for the line "when I'm going down..."

Maybe not that even with the context of the song.

I'm feeling a little bit down.

Yesterday, March 23, was my birthday.

Normally, I feel pretty awesome and pumped up to go and do things on my birthday that are pretty darn fun.

Friday night, I was starting to get all pumped up and ready to do stuff for my birthday.

Unfortunately, I feel let down by my family.

Ellie and the kids didn't seem to want to provide any information or suggestions for it.

After all, this week is spring break.

I haven't been sleeping well for several reasons.

My arthritis has been getting me overtime.  My hands, feet, knees, hips, just hurt like a mother fucker.

I just realized something about the phrase, "Hurts like a mother fucker"... Why does a Mother Fucker hurt???  Should it be... "How bad does a Mother Fucker hurt, when a Mother Fucker, Fucking hurts?"

Well, nonetheless, I was hurting pretty damn badly.

I don't want to say that my family is selfish, but it seems like that.

For their birthdays, mostly Ellie, I ask several days earlier what type of stuff they want for their birthday.  Not just gifts, but what they want for their birthday. Food, activities, etc.

Often, I suggest things and help try to get things figured out.


This year, it seems like they didn't really want to help or interact.

I really wanted to get a chocolate vinegar cake (aka, whacky cake) with chocolate frosting.

Well, they just went to the store and bought a cake, which was OK... but it wasn't as if they asked me what I wanted.

I was feeling down, so I didn't really give a damn, but it does feel like they didn't give much of a damn.

Usually, we go out to dinner or have a nice/special dinner...

I was feeling like one thing for dinner, but decided I really didn't want it after all.

Well, I decided they wanted to see Insurgent, so we went to see it.

I really didn't care about watching it.

I did it for my family.

On the way home, since we didn't really have any breakfast, etc, I suggested we go to a local sandwich restaurant for lunch.

For whatever reason, they went to do something, while I spent over an fucking hour getting the girls' Kindle Fire's to connect up to Windows to allow me to copy files to them, so we can put non-Amazon books on them.

When they got home, I finally got the fucking Kindles to work correctly... The solution is REALLY stupid.

You have to go to the security or device options.  Then you tap on the device serial number 7 times in a row.

Then you can go to developer options, and turn off ADB-USB debugging, under developer options.

WTF would that option be turned on in the first place, by default?

So, last night, I suggested we just watch Amazing Spiderman 2, while we ate the fucking cake, and drank milkshakes from a local hamburger joint, which are really good.

I hated it last night... before we could watch the fucking movie, we had to wait for the girls to practice their fucking piano exercises.

I hate that we often have to wait for the girls to do the shit they should be doing on their own.

Doing/waiting for them to do the shit, they should do automatically, really wears on them.

During the week, they usually do it right after school, which is really good.

Over the weekends, etc.  They don't do anything, until late Sunday night... so if we were going to watch a movie or play a game, we have to put everything off, just to wait for them to do the shit, they forgot about.

I just assume to let them make mistakes instead of just helping them not have problems or encourage them to put things off as they can do it right at the last fucking minute.

Well, going back to yesterday morning, I woke up and was really fucking sore and in pain... I didn't sleep worth shit.

Ellie tried to snuggle up and tried to get "frisky" even though I told her right off, that I hurt really badly.  It wasn't tell I told her that I really, really hurt that she left me alone.  Then she acted all disappointed and hurt, because I fucking hurt.

Why do people do that?

Oh gee, you don't want to do what I REALLY want to do, then it's your fault that I'm disappointed... now I'm upset, etc, etc... blah, fucking blah...

At least it all fucking over today, and I'm back to work again.  Where I can just hide from them, and I can just be in my own little world.

One of the things, I really wanted to get, especially since I bought it for myself, is a swing arm lamp.

I don't normally like to work with lots of lights on... but I discovered that I can handle lights & stuff, if they're not directly in my eyes... I think it's called diffused or indirect lighting.   Just something where the light isn't right the fuck in my eyes/face.

Recently, especially yesterday, I have a lot of thick snot/shit that's been going down the back of my throat and I cannot get it to stop... So I spent several minutes or more an hour trying to get that shit out of my throat.

I wish that I could do the "loogie" cough to get that shit out of my throat... but it doesn't work.

Well.. I suppose I should just shut up for now and try to work & pay attention to the conference call that's going on right now.

I'm feeling down... So WTF not write something?

I don't know why I seem to write something here only when I'm down or impressed with something going on.

The other day, I realized that I really wasn't the "Man of Constant Sorrow" that I thought I was.

I looked back at things and realized that I had a LOT of good things there... in fact more than I had bad things.

The corporation I work for is splitting into pieces.  Mostly so that they can work independently of each other and raise the worth of each other.

Financial aspects of this makes sense.

What I don't like about this is that it's put me into a limbo sort of position.

My experience/career has split me between the multiple products and technologies.

The project/team that I work on is also split across the same types of lines.

In short, none of us really know where we're going to end up.

That's where I'm depressed.

I want to stay with the original part of the company, since I've been with them almost 20 years now!

Honestly, I know I'll be employed as I have skills that most of the tech support/developers do not have.

I also spend 4+ years working with the military on the Department of Defense contract.

Honestly, if faced with decision of where to work again, I'd like to go back to working with the military.

I knew what was expected.  I knew that I had almost all resources in the palm of my hand.

For now... I really don't know WTF to do, but to keep working...

It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho. - Phillip J. Fry

When you don't know what else to say, turn to Futurama.  Lots of random funny stuff there.

I recently returned from seeing my shrink, "The Ogre". (His last name is similar to a famous animated Ogre)

When he found out that I cut my usage of Effexor back to 75mg of 150mg, he kind of flipped out.

Personally, I don't see why he seems to care so much about the Effexor usage.

While on 300mg for many months, I was still having so many various emotional problems before going on Zyprexa and then Lamictal.

I stressed to him today the reason for cutting back Effexor. "INTIMACY!" to get the DESIRE to get "Funky" or "Frisky" with Ellie.

That he seemed to understand.

I mean, not having the desire to lust after women & look at suggestive pictures, etc was nice... but it also hasn't been so nice when you feel you should get "Frisky" with your mate... but don't really have the desire to do anything with them in that manner.

The Ogre put me on a tapering off dosage schedule for the Effexor and put me on Viibryd...

Out of curiosity, I looked up effects of VIIBRYD & Bipolar... Looks like if this works "right", I'll be back on the manic side of Bipolar again...

I liked being on the manic bandwagon many times, but I didn't like the anger episodes & vitriol hate & venom that I often had/spewed.

Good thing Ellie loves me and if I tell her about this, she'll at least know to keep a lookout for problems with me.

"The Ogre" asked if I had further questions/comments/etc... I told him there have been times recently that I've been feeling good enough to start wondering why I took any of these drugs, aside from my pain pills.  That I often have been tempted to stop taking them, but I was afraid to do that.

I feel like my memories of how I was before the medication are fading.  Often it feels like I never had a problem at all and those problems were all just a "dream"...

Since I was only recently diagnosed with bipolar, I remember what it was like before my extreme emotional problems....  Now it feels like I never had the emotional problems to begin with...

Classic bipolar/depression type scenario, right?  You don't feel like you have any problems anymore or that you had any problems to begin with, so why take the meds... right?

I'm going to keep moving forward with my meds... but damned if I don't feel the way that I feel right now...