I dunno know... I wanted to cut something.

I can't seem to remember where I left off at right now and sure as hell don't want to go back to read it right now.


Although... I believe I wrote about my useless, older brothers... All of whom lived with my folks several times after they were out of the house and married...


Where am I going with this?


Well, I'm going where I think I need to go.

A few hours ago, I was on the verge of sitting the curb on the side of the road, fishing out my knife and putting a slice across my arm!

This is not a suicide slice!
It's a cut!
There is a difference!

The difference is that the cut hurts and will hurt for awhile, while the other will typically end your life.

I needed to release tension and at that time a cut across my forearm was the only way I thought I could handle it.

Here's the backstory:

My dad had been sick and my younger sister and her husband have been driving our mom back and forth to his appointments, and eventually to the hospitals.


About a year ago, I spoke with with my sisters about how nasty and messed up our parent's house was and that our brother's kids weren't being cared for very well.

Now, my job at that time required me to call in any form of abuse. (child, adult, elderly, spousal, etc.)

So, I called social services.

Our dad's had several major problems over the years and about a year ago landed himself in dire medical care.  My brothers all started out helping, then kind of ran into their holes, leaving my younger sister to pick up all of the slack.

Recently his health got so bad that he was losing track of who he was, who others were and where he was.  All that he knew was that he wanted to go home.

Speaking with my sister, I told her that it sounded like he needed to go on hospice where he would be kept comfortable until he passed on.  She also told me that she was getting exhausted and on one occasion that one of the other brothers was with our mom and was supposed to wait with her until my sister got there.  Well, I guess that she needed to go to a clinic and he had something else to do!  So that asshole left her there at the clinic!  WTF?  Why would you just leave someone there like that!?  Seriously!  Our mom has been fighting with dementia and memory problems for several years.

That really pissed me off, so I decided I needed to come out here to help our mom and relieve my sister and her husband.  I ordered the bus ticket and then that same night, I got a call from my oldest brother and found out that our father passed away.

I got on the bus and came out here.  (Remember, I don't fly anymore!)

The bus ride sucked like hell and everytime I fell asleep I had to wake back up again for some dumbass reason.  That last one really pissed me off.  I was finally comfortable and in a deep, deep sleep.  Then a new lady getting on the bus practically sat on me!  It's not like I'm a little, bitty dude, and I was in deep sleep!


So today, I met with all the other siblings at our mom's house and they started going through the funeral program, and at first I was willing to play a flute, but I had forgotten mine.  Then my brothers started getting a bit pushy and the real, dumbass, pious mother fucking one started trying to be cute and tell jokes.  I got mad, so when I went outside to chat with my little sister, I decided to just walk.

I just walked away, and walked for probably a mile before my sister contacted me and told me they were done, and wanted to know if I wanted a ride back to where I was staying.

During my walk, I was starting to break down about the loss of my father, but more so that my fucking brothers all of a sudden showed up and were there to help out...

This is where I emotionally had to find a way to gain control, and the first thing that popped into my mind was to cut my arm and have the pain get me back into control.

Or...

To take several pain pills and try to "gain control".

I did take one pill.

I've never had a problem with my meds and the doctor has but that would've been normal for me as I'd been taking 4 a day as needed by the doctor

Texting with my sister, she drove to where I was walking and picked me up.

Where will I be in a few weeks?

I don't fucking know, but I do know that I am going to help our Mom get things cleaned up, and help my sister get back to a semblance of normal  for her own life.

Our mom needs to be in a assisted living facility where they can help her throughout the day as she needs it.

Not sponged off of by my major asshole brother who lives with her.

I saw it coming... It still doesn't mean it's not FUBAR.

I don't know if I previously posted my thoughts about wanting to retire and actually hoping it happened, in some sort of secret, good way.

I didn't actually retire, but I was retired, if you will.

My employment with my company after almost a full 20 years has been ended.  I didn't do anything to warrant getting laid off, except I think I did... sort of.

I was laid off as part of a reduction in force, which is better than just getting fired.

It means that I was laid off with approx 6 months of pay and benefits, and they had to cash out all of the paid time off I accrued.

Now, I wasn't trying to get laid off on purpose, but I wasn't trying as hard as I might have been able to.  Although, I was trying damn hard to keep my job.

I dunno, it's hard to say.

With sleeping problems due to bipolar and arthritis that was #1 against me working really well.  Then #2 the heavy use of opiod pain killers.  I'm not addicted to them, wherein I'm not taking them for any sort of  a buzz or high.  I need them physically due to the pain.

I know when I no longer need them for pain, I'm going to have emotional problems weaning away from them, because of all the years that I've been taking them.

Then again I might not.

So here's the skinny of the work situation:

• I was not trying to get laid off on purpose.
• I was having problems working due to pain & bipolar sleep patterns.
• Emotionally, I was cracking because of the problems with sleep, etc.
• I needed to get away and take a break from things and taking vacation time wasn't going to be enough.
• Knee replacement was a HUGE deal with me.  (See sleep & emotional notes above.)
• If there was going to be a reduction in force, I was considering telling my manager to put me on the list...

See, I didn't want to be laid off, but I wasn't going to discourage it if it came to it.

When it comes to a business decision, it was what I was expecting.

I'd seen this same behavior before from this employer.

Their budget is too high and they need to reduce, this is how they do it:

1. They look at the top level/higher paid groups.
2. If they see that they have "too many" individuals that are on a team, they skim them off.
3. Managers are more expendable than grunts.
4. IT and other infrastructure staff are expendable.
5. By cutting higher level managers/staff, more grunt positions can be saved and customer facing work doesn't "change".

Well, I was a developer for a Tech Support tool, and they saw "too many" in the USA that were employed.

As a developer though, once you come up with a working concept and the infrastructure is in place, they can outsource your code and project to India and can your ass.

In truth, I was glad to get laid off, and I'm not worried about the future in any sort of sense.  I'm at peace with things and I expect to pick up the pieces and keep going.

Well...

I suppose that there is to say about the work situation.

My first knee surgery is coming up next week.

I'm excited to get it fixed...

but I'm also a bit anxious... I want it to be successful... Not the recovery, but the whole procedure, where they put me to sleep and then the cutting/shaping.

OK, it's not the cutting.  It's just the scenario that I might not wake up.

I don't want to leave my family yet.

I love them.

It's finally happened... Ding dong the wicked ....

I always thought when it happened I would be doing back flips or something.

Yet, while I am emotionally relieved, I feel bad for Giant/Old Miss.

My oldest daughter, who I believe I used to call Big Miss here, I am now calling Giant Miss.

Last week, she called me and told me her mom had been admitted to the hospital for severe bronchitis symptoms/problems.

Now, Big Miss said that her mom was having problems for over a week and they hadn't gone to the hospital no less to a doctor.

They live in a small city about 30 miles from the next larger city with doctors & hospitals.

The story that Giant Miss gave me for her mom not going in sooner was that they "couldn't" get a ride from anyone.

None of their "friends" were able to give them a ride, nor could her grandmother or others they knew.

I asked if they had called anyone at church or asked the person who lived next door.  Or WTF not call 911 for an ambulance.

An ambulance would've gone out there and picked her up.


This morning Giant Miss called me in tears.

Her mother, my ex-wife, had died.

When she called in tears, I knew what had happened.

It wasn't necessarily a surprise when Giant Miss told me.

It was a relief in many facets.

• My ex had been the a tormentor and source of so much turmoil in my life.
• She told so many lies to people where we had lived
• I had no idea who believed what at church.
• I got so many bad looks and avoidance that it was very hurtful.
• Many of my friends avoided me for awhile.
• It was about 6-9 months after she left that I finally found out what she said.

What I really had concern about was that Giant Miss was really overcome with grief.

Her mom "raised" her and hid her from me since they left.

The only time I usually heard from my ex, was when she wanted something.

• Where's the child support?
• This was withheld from me in my paycheck.
• I had no control over this.
• I wasn't going to call my payroll for it, because they just took it and handed it over to the child support people.
• I need more money.
• Bullshit.
• What happened to the child support money?
• I already have another family, bills and other stuff to pay for.
• I'm still paying for a shit load of the debt you left me in!

 I have many, many, many bad things to say about my ex.

After all, I did complain about many of them above.

There were many times when Giant Miss was a youth that I wished her mom would pass on, so that Giant Miss would have to live here with Ellie and I.

That never happened.

When Giant Miss lived here a few years ago, I never spoke ill of her mom, nor did I go into any great details of how terrible of a person I thought her mom was.

In short.

I want to dance and celebrate...

but...

I also want Giant Miss to know that I really don't wish ill of anyone.

For Giant Miss, I feel sorry for her loss.

It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood?

I've been fighting with the gout a lot recently.. in fact this time last week, I was in REALLY bad pain.

Over the weekend, especially Saturday, I started into a manic state.  I installed the sink cabinet, installed the new sink hardware, and the counter top.

If that wasn't good enough, I sat through a movie with Big Miss, and afterwords, I thought I was going to go to sleep... but I got up and kept going... Cut and installed the trim boards... Then got up, grabbed the paint can and painted the cut ends of the boards and nail heads that were put in... Next, I installed the brass floor strip that separates the linoleum from the hardwood floor... Then I put in the drawers of the sink cabinet, moved the dresser we're using for towels in.

My manic states usually only last for several days, but even today, I still feel a bit ramped up.

Now, I would've kept going, but I finally decided to watch Young Guns II and fell asleep through parts of it, and after turning it off, I passed out and fell to sleep.

Sunday was similar, as I was going through the house picking things up, doing laundry, etc.

One major sad thing about Saturday, was that my old/ancient cat, who was 15+ years old, died. He stopped eating about a week earlier, didn't really drink anything, and started using various rugs as his cat box.

The last straw was when I found him one morning with all of his paws wet with urine.  At that point, I knew it was time, and finally had him put down.

This old boy was a good friend and will be missed very much.

Final Uncle Update...

Last week was an "off" week for me blogging.

Here's why:

Tuesday, I visited my Uncle during my lunch hour, and he was in lots of pain, and the Hospice nurses had him all but soaking in a morphine bath, as he was writhing around in pain.

After seeing him, I went home and tried to work, but I was really, really sad!  It was a sadness, like I haven't had in over a year.

Also, I was trying to stop my Effexor dosage that week too, which is probably what made me more vulnerable to that sadness.

About 3-4 hours after coming home, I received a call that my uncle had passed on.

Ellie and I went over to his apartment, and he was definitely gone.  He was very yellow as though he was jaundice.  I'm going to cut this off here, since I don't want to cause anyone to gag.

The next morning, a good friend and I emptied his apartment, and Ellie began work on the funeral arrangements.

My Uncle had, several years earlier, taken care of all his funeral arrangements as much as possible.  He even paid for almost all of it.  He also had several thousand dollars in his account that we were able to use to pay for the cost difference from his original setup to now.  Heck, there was enough there to fly my parents out here for the funeral, which was good.  My dad is the last member of his immediate family, aside from my cousins.

The viewing was just family, which was OK, and everyone there was positively affected by my Uncle.

When we went to the cemetery for the grave side service, the local VFW chapter did such a great service there, I was in awe!

Since I was the only family in the area for my Uncle, I received his military honors, Flag & Three Shell casings from his 21 gun salute.

The whole day for the funeral services was very, very good and without all the humidity, I'd have been very comfortable.

(Uncle update) Maybe today was a bad day to stop the last half of my Effexor dosage...

As of a few months ago, I was on 300mg of Effexor, and after I really started on Lamictal, I dropped to 150mg.

This week, I planned on dropping the other 150mg of the drug.

Due to my uncle's worsening state, I wonder if this was a good idea.

I'm a whole lot more emotional right now.

I know that death brings a certain amount of sadness & emotion with it, but damn, I don't need any more assistance with it because my emotional medications are different too.

Several hours ago, I got a call from the hospice workers, that they were there with my uncle and that he was in a lot of pain.  They also suggested that we bring some extra pillows and if possible a fan.

I had already planned on going over to see him around lunch today.

When I told Ellie, she wanted to go with me, so I figured she would get things ready while, I was getting wrapped up with my current bit of work/code.

An hour later, Ellie still wasn't ready, the kids were busy with chores she gave them.  I got a bit upset, and told her that I really wanted to go, and that I was about ready to go without them.

Ellie drove, as I wanted her to drop me off, then they could run across the road to Wal-Mart and get him some pillows and an oscillating fan.

When I got to his room, he was barely dressed, because it was so hot, and was very well medicated.  His room is on the east side of the building, and they've been trying to keep the door closed so that it'd be quieter for him.  That only made the room hotter, so when we got the fan setup, it was more comfortable for him.

Along with the fan, Ellie also got him three very large & fluffy pillows with pillow cases, so that way he could possibly be as comfortable as possible.

I don't know why I'm so emotional right now.  Damn.

Tears are just welling up, and I can't tell if it's because of being off the final leg of Effexor or if it's just hoping that my uncle is finally going onto the next world.

Just a bit ago, when I took my afternoon pain pill, I took the Effexor.  If I didn't have that additional emotional support/control, I'd be a real mess.  Worse than I am now.

I'm glad that my uncle is going on, as I know he's missed his parents, brothers and sister.  He's the last of them, aside from my own father.

For the past 8-10 years or so that I've been around my uncle, whenever he's had pain or problems around his mid section, he's always sworn it was cancer, and it was his turn to die.  None of this ever turned out to be true....  Not until December 2012, when he was in a lot of pain and a doctor finally looked at the cancer markers in his blood.  By that time, it would've been several months that he had to live.

As I previously blogged, my uncle underwent several rounds of chemo therapy, and he lived well until the past few months... now the past week he's gone downhill so fast, that it's a wonder that we saw him at all passing this far.

I'm just so fucking sad!

Not depressed, but fucking sad...

Uncle Update...

Late Friday afternoon, I was using the restroom.. (Just what you wanted to know) When the phone rang, and I obviously couldn't answer it.

When I attempted to listen for a message, none was left.

A few minutes later, my wife called my cell phone and told me that my Uncle was admitted to the hospital.

We both asked each other... wasn't he supposed to be on hospice?

Turns out he wasn't on hospice, and when he was going to, several months ago, he recovered enough to restart Chemo.

So, they started to treat him at the hospital.  Which, usually isn't a problem... Actually, I don't have a problem with it myself.  I just feel bad because it's prolonging the length of time that his body is breaking down.

According to his doctor, he was pretty close to death that night, and the treatment he received was only a bandage on a much, much larger problem.  That, even with all the advanced science and medicine, they cannot prevent.

About this time last year, if you'd asked my uncle if he wanted to be kept alive like this, he'd have answered "no".

Since I am his primary power of attorney, I signed him up for Hospice care on Saturday afternoon.

I called and spoke to one of my cousins, and he agreed it was time that it was done, because his dad hadn't been answering the phone recently.  When he had answered the phone, he wasn't very coherent to who was on the phone.

At this point, I can only pray that the end comes for my uncle very, very soon.  I almost expect it in the next couple of weeks, instead of months.

Most people don't want anyone to die, and I don't wish for his death, but I do pray for his passing from this life to the next.

Was I experiencing depression?

Last night I felt numb... I mean I had body/physical pain, but a numb mind/attitude.

I slept OK, when you consider a 9 year old girl is cramping right up next to and often kicking or laying on you.

For normal sleeping I finally remembered to use my cpap mask and I feel a bit more relaxed, but my left hip hurts like hell.

I did take a couple of pain pills and now I don't ache so much.

Peace is returning again to me and while I worry that my uncle is going to die very soon, I'm not afraid now. He will finally rest his mortal shell and his spirit will return to his family and friends and Jesus.

God bless...