I found two more entries in a small journal that I had started using for keeping track of my story/poetry ideas.
Awoke at 2:30, laid in bed and attempted to sleep again until 3:30.
Got into tub of hot water and took a good bath. Shaved face.
After getting report code adjusted, found some anomalies in the logic due to changes in the data captured. I need to re-adjust the query for data so that processes without a true binary running.
Elder's quorum pres. stopped by. Good chatting with them.
I think I have a kidney stone...
My pecker was hurting really badly.
Showing posts with label Church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Church. Show all posts
Friday, April 1, 2016
Friday, March 11, 2016
Don't worry.... Be Happy... BE WHAT?
One of my recent posts went into an argument that Ellie and I had.
Part of what I was thinking about while writing that post, I wanted to continue in another post.
It was regarding the use of pain meds...
But...
More importantly, it's being or becoming your ailments.
What I mean, is that I often become my pain.
Almost EVERYONE becomes their pain or ailments.
I know this, because as I was reading through my old journal entries, I noticed that a LOT of what I was feeling like.
Even over the past few years, I noticed that one of the first things I've talked about with people, or where things go is towards the pain I experience.
In the past, without the pain, I was always discussing thing I did, or things I saw, things I wanted to do...
Instead of
"Oh HOLY CRAP this HURTS!"
Or
"I just hurt all the time!"
Now that I look at it and think about it, it sucks, and I'd rather not chat with people who are like that.
It's boring and makes that person just seem unlikable.
I notice that Ellie does this about school/work/woman's club stuff.
Ellie's mom does this ALOT about the same things.
There was one night, they stopped by to take us out to dinner.
I hadn't had a chance to talk to Ellie that night, and I never, EVER got a word in until they left the house to go get into their car.
Then I was upset and talked to Ellie for a few minutes before we got there.
I really feel sorry for Ellie's dad.
He's a really, really good guy.
He's not quite like my father, but he's someone I greatly admire.
There are times, I wonder how much he actually says.
Don't get my wrong.
I love Ellie's mom.
Recently though, it seems that she's always giving me a cold shoulder, no matter what the situation is.
Then when she needs something she's over friendly, etc.
I'm really tempted, if this doesn't change, to just tell her no.
No matter how nice you can be, if I'm constantly getting the cold shoulder from people, I just don't want to help them anymore.
WTF help someone who's just ignoring you?
Anyhow, going back around to the start of this post.
You, me, myself and I, should think about who we are, more than what we're going through.
It's not fun to become your ailment, and definitely not fun for anyone to talk to you.
I know it's really hard to not be what's hurting or bothering you.
Like, I need to back off talking about being Bipolar and how bad the pain in my legs hurts.
Here's the last part of a sermon/talk from a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I call it the "Salad" part of his talk:
It's a Salad, because of the number of times he says: "let us"
I only think about his words from a video I found several months ago, when I was struggling called "Reflections". (https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/reflections)
Part of what I was thinking about while writing that post, I wanted to continue in another post.
It was regarding the use of pain meds...
But...
More importantly, it's being or becoming your ailments.
What I mean, is that I often become my pain.
Almost EVERYONE becomes their pain or ailments.
I know this, because as I was reading through my old journal entries, I noticed that a LOT of what I was feeling like.
Even over the past few years, I noticed that one of the first things I've talked about with people, or where things go is towards the pain I experience.
In the past, without the pain, I was always discussing thing I did, or things I saw, things I wanted to do...
Instead of
"Oh HOLY CRAP this HURTS!"
Or
"I just hurt all the time!"
Now that I look at it and think about it, it sucks, and I'd rather not chat with people who are like that.
It's boring and makes that person just seem unlikable.
I notice that Ellie does this about school/work/woman's club stuff.
Ellie's mom does this ALOT about the same things.
There was one night, they stopped by to take us out to dinner.
I hadn't had a chance to talk to Ellie that night, and I never, EVER got a word in until they left the house to go get into their car.
Then I was upset and talked to Ellie for a few minutes before we got there.
I really feel sorry for Ellie's dad.
He's a really, really good guy.
He's not quite like my father, but he's someone I greatly admire.
There are times, I wonder how much he actually says.
Don't get my wrong.
I love Ellie's mom.
Recently though, it seems that she's always giving me a cold shoulder, no matter what the situation is.
Then when she needs something she's over friendly, etc.
I'm really tempted, if this doesn't change, to just tell her no.
No matter how nice you can be, if I'm constantly getting the cold shoulder from people, I just don't want to help them anymore.
WTF help someone who's just ignoring you?
Anyhow, going back around to the start of this post.
You, me, myself and I, should think about who we are, more than what we're going through.
It's not fun to become your ailment, and definitely not fun for anyone to talk to you.
I know it's really hard to not be what's hurting or bothering you.
Like, I need to back off talking about being Bipolar and how bad the pain in my legs hurts.
Here's the last part of a sermon/talk from a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I call it the "Salad" part of his talk:
Elder James B. Martino taught, “In our trials, let us not become bitter or uncommitted, but let us follow the Savior’s example of becoming more earnest, more sincere, and more faithful. ... Let us not complain, … let us serve others, and let us forgive one another. As we do this, all things will work together for good to us that love God.”
It's a Salad, because of the number of times he says: "let us"
I only think about his words from a video I found several months ago, when I was struggling called "Reflections". (https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/reflections)
When I watch or hear it, it really gives me something to think about.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Manual Entry - Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Finally sitting down fro a bit. Dammit! I need to get the suit coat done.
Yesterday, I was a bit of a mess. I started OK, but I started to look at what needed to be done and I started to panic. I had almost everything under control except that I didn't know I had an eye exam at 2:15, which is before the girls get out of school.
The doctor office said I could be late, so we arrived @ 2:40. Afterwords we went home to have the kids do homework and ate the left over pizza for dinner.
Today was even crazier, at least I didn't freak out and need to take a Xanax, like Monday before the Dr. appt.
After stopping work, drove kids to school for literacy night, then to dance classes then to church activity.
I took the Dark Tower VII with me and read during dance class and practiced banjo during church activity.
Man, I need to practice playing more. My fingers need the work out.
I haven't taken any Ambien since Sat. night. I don't like to take sleeping aids when home alone with the girls.
Last night or should I say this morning my hips hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep for an hour or two, around 1:00AM.
I should've taken something for pain but, I didn't and I didn't sleep for a bit because it hurt so bad!
Tonight, I'll take something for pain if I need to, but it often wakes me up and I can't sleep anyway, at least the pain will fade faster.
Yesterday, I was a bit of a mess. I started OK, but I started to look at what needed to be done and I started to panic. I had almost everything under control except that I didn't know I had an eye exam at 2:15, which is before the girls get out of school.
The doctor office said I could be late, so we arrived @ 2:40. Afterwords we went home to have the kids do homework and ate the left over pizza for dinner.
Today was even crazier, at least I didn't freak out and need to take a Xanax, like Monday before the Dr. appt.
After stopping work, drove kids to school for literacy night, then to dance classes then to church activity.
I took the Dark Tower VII with me and read during dance class and practiced banjo during church activity.
Man, I need to practice playing more. My fingers need the work out.
I haven't taken any Ambien since Sat. night. I don't like to take sleeping aids when home alone with the girls.
Last night or should I say this morning my hips hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep for an hour or two, around 1:00AM.
I should've taken something for pain but, I didn't and I didn't sleep for a bit because it hurt so bad!
Tonight, I'll take something for pain if I need to, but it often wakes me up and I can't sleep anyway, at least the pain will fade faster.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Manual Entry - Monday, April 30, 2012
A lot has happened since the last entry.
My eyes are still kind of messed up, but are getting better it seems. I stopped Cymbalta and started into a hypo-manic episode that really kicked off the 23rd.
From waking up Monday through Tuesday around 1:30 Tuesday, I did not sleep.
I did work, from 12:00AM-6:30AM. Afterwords, I laid in bed, watched "Young Guns." Read some books, did a few crosswords and finally took a benadryl and slept for about 3-4 hours.
Tuesday night it happened again, instead of 12:00AM, I started at 11:00PM. Worked till 5:00AM or so.
While I was working, I was working hard. Really hard. Best that I could describe it is as though I was the character "Neo" from "The Matrix", when he realized he could see the code and the make up of everything around him. I too got to a point where the code base & framework that was new to me all made sense.
Weds. morn, after work, I took another benadryl and slept till 3:30PM.
I want to step back a bit, and mention that I started to step back into my mood/nasty state. Ellie and I agreed I needed a change. Dr. Bxxx upped the Gabapentin to 1 capsule twice a day. That was on Tuesday, I think.
Weds. night, I took half an Ambien and waited till close to 1:00 AM before I went out.
Thursday, I awoke OK, got a lot of work done. Noticed that I felt like I was enraged, but I didn't have a cause. I talked Cliff's ear off to/from our banjo class. Not normal talking, but high speed communications.
Since the increase of Gabapentin, I've been waking up early morning, taking a piss & then all but collapsing in bed to sleep again.
Friday morning wasn't much different except I awoke around 1:30AM.
While pissing, my knees buckled. Yes, I was standing and my knees rammed into the sides of the bowl and I collapsed all the way down and laid on my back.
I didn't think that I made much noise, but it got Ellie up. I don't even remember if I finished peeing or not, or if it just ran all over the floor.
Ellie managed to help me to bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. Ellie wanted me to go to the E.R.
I refused, since all I wanted was to sleep.
After a lot of moaning by me and arguing by Ellie, I had her take my B.P. It was very low. 84/52.
At that point, I consented to let Ellie call 911.
The E.M.T. measured by BP too and it was already a bit higher.
Since we paid for Fire-Med, I consented for them to take me to the E.R.
Before leaving the curb, they installed an I.V. line & did an EKG.
While at the E.R.:
Once more, I need to interject a missing tidbit here.
Thursday morning, I got a call in response to a message I left with Dr. Bxxxx on Weds. They suggested & urged me to see a Dr. that day (Thursday).
I saw Dr. Pxxxx, not the one I thought he was, but his brother.
I hashed out what was happening about insomnia, anger/rage, migraines, arthritis, that the brain/head MRI & blood tests were all normal.
SO WTF?
I cussed in front of him, I told him that I was really tired and that my dad was diagnosed as bipolar and I remembered some of his mood swings.
I further explained that I found a woman's bipolar video/youtube Blog and before I really knew it, I watched everyone of her videos and felt connected.
Dr. Pxxxx had been researching on his iPhone and said he agreed with me. He gave me samples of Seroquel.
Told me to keep taking the Gabapentin and take 2 Seroquel a ngiht.
So I did, and now, you have the full insight of what happened before my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.
The rest... WAIT! One more item! I used a few 10mg oxycodone pills Thursday and the last one was around 7:00PM.
The rest of the weekend, I pretty much did nothing else but slept. I did go to church on Sunday and stood when my name was called, to accept a calling as a Ward missionary. I didn't stay to be set apart, because I was tired and not feeling well.
I pulled out the banjo and sat practicing outside in the shade of the apple trees on the garden swing.
It was refreshing and the warm sun, combined with the cool breeze felt akin to heaven.
I took the Seroquel meds, fell asleep a bit after.
Monday I awoke earlier than anticipated, 7:30AM.
I started work around 8:00AM, but couldn't get into it until around 1:00PM.
We got a call from the Dr., about the E.R. visit, and Ellie & I will see him Tuesday morn.
Maybe things are finally working out. I need to tell the Dr. that I haven't had an Allergy shot since, January.
My eyes are still kind of messed up, but are getting better it seems. I stopped Cymbalta and started into a hypo-manic episode that really kicked off the 23rd.
From waking up Monday through Tuesday around 1:30 Tuesday, I did not sleep.
I did work, from 12:00AM-6:30AM. Afterwords, I laid in bed, watched "Young Guns." Read some books, did a few crosswords and finally took a benadryl and slept for about 3-4 hours.
Tuesday night it happened again, instead of 12:00AM, I started at 11:00PM. Worked till 5:00AM or so.
While I was working, I was working hard. Really hard. Best that I could describe it is as though I was the character "Neo" from "The Matrix", when he realized he could see the code and the make up of everything around him. I too got to a point where the code base & framework that was new to me all made sense.
Weds. morn, after work, I took another benadryl and slept till 3:30PM.
I want to step back a bit, and mention that I started to step back into my mood/nasty state. Ellie and I agreed I needed a change. Dr. Bxxx upped the Gabapentin to 1 capsule twice a day. That was on Tuesday, I think.
Weds. night, I took half an Ambien and waited till close to 1:00 AM before I went out.
Thursday, I awoke OK, got a lot of work done. Noticed that I felt like I was enraged, but I didn't have a cause. I talked Cliff's ear off to/from our banjo class. Not normal talking, but high speed communications.
Since the increase of Gabapentin, I've been waking up early morning, taking a piss & then all but collapsing in bed to sleep again.
Friday morning wasn't much different except I awoke around 1:30AM.
While pissing, my knees buckled. Yes, I was standing and my knees rammed into the sides of the bowl and I collapsed all the way down and laid on my back.
I didn't think that I made much noise, but it got Ellie up. I don't even remember if I finished peeing or not, or if it just ran all over the floor.
Ellie managed to help me to bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. Ellie wanted me to go to the E.R.
I refused, since all I wanted was to sleep.
After a lot of moaning by me and arguing by Ellie, I had her take my B.P. It was very low. 84/52.
At that point, I consented to let Ellie call 911.
The E.M.T. measured by BP too and it was already a bit higher.
Since we paid for Fire-Med, I consented for them to take me to the E.R.
Before leaving the curb, they installed an I.V. line & did an EKG.
While at the E.R.:
- I slept a bit.
- Swore/cusses/etc
- Managed to stand & pee again.
- With more swearing, because Ellie was too aggressive with the urinal
- Let them do an EKG, with the more precise machines.
Once more, I need to interject a missing tidbit here.
Thursday morning, I got a call in response to a message I left with Dr. Bxxxx on Weds. They suggested & urged me to see a Dr. that day (Thursday).
I saw Dr. Pxxxx, not the one I thought he was, but his brother.
I hashed out what was happening about insomnia, anger/rage, migraines, arthritis, that the brain/head MRI & blood tests were all normal.
SO WTF?
I cussed in front of him, I told him that I was really tired and that my dad was diagnosed as bipolar and I remembered some of his mood swings.
I further explained that I found a woman's bipolar video/youtube Blog and before I really knew it, I watched everyone of her videos and felt connected.
Dr. Pxxxx had been researching on his iPhone and said he agreed with me. He gave me samples of Seroquel.
Told me to keep taking the Gabapentin and take 2 Seroquel a ngiht.
So I did, and now, you have the full insight of what happened before my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.
The rest... WAIT! One more item! I used a few 10mg oxycodone pills Thursday and the last one was around 7:00PM.
The rest of the weekend, I pretty much did nothing else but slept. I did go to church on Sunday and stood when my name was called, to accept a calling as a Ward missionary. I didn't stay to be set apart, because I was tired and not feeling well.
I pulled out the banjo and sat practicing outside in the shade of the apple trees on the garden swing.
It was refreshing and the warm sun, combined with the cool breeze felt akin to heaven.
I took the Seroquel meds, fell asleep a bit after.
Monday I awoke earlier than anticipated, 7:30AM.
I started work around 8:00AM, but couldn't get into it until around 1:00PM.
We got a call from the Dr., about the E.R. visit, and Ellie & I will see him Tuesday morn.
Maybe things are finally working out. I need to tell the Dr. that I haven't had an Allergy shot since, January.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Manual Entry - Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thursday afternoon, Ellie called the family Dr. and told him about my problems and that I had mentioned taking myself out.
I was still feeling like I was in a fight or flight mode then.
Ellie told him about this and we made an appointment early the next day.
At the appointment, we all agreed that Cymbalta wasn't working well. The prior day, Weds. I left a message that I felt I was losing my mind and that I didn't want to ER, on this Dr.'s voice message. The Dr. took most the appointment to explain about the med & apologize even though he never said it. I could feel he was trying to apologize without saying it out right or maybe he seemed to be begging for forgiveness.
Thursday night, I still attended the banjo class, and part way through, I got a severe urge to leave and I was starting to heat up. I managed to hang on and enjoyed the class.
I seem to be all over today, but a lot has happened since my last entry.
To sum up the Dr. Appt, the Dr. dropped my Cymbalta dose to 30mg and started me on Gabapentin. One 300mg capsule at night.
I saw around the day on Friday, and didn't work at all, but I did stitch up a couple of bags out of rabbit fur. I wanted one to store my finger picks in.
Saturday I felt better but not 100% yet.
I helped Ellie load and unload our trailer with sawdust 6 times. During this I took a small break to help the missionaries out.
The missionaries' teaching appointment turned out to be a no show though.
Sunday, I was feeling much better and went to church. Told the Bishop that I'd take the calling to be a Ward Missionary.
Monday, I was working pretty well and got more work done that day than I had in weeks.
Today, I got even more done and for the most part felt pretty darn good.
I haven't showered yet, but that was so that I could start work early today to finish what I started Monday.
The module I had been working on, is all wrapped up except for the data views to be used by Tech Support.
During this time, my head has hurt and I've taken pain meds, but the constant feeling of shit & being fucked up is almost gone now.
-- call and setup appt with Dr. T(asshole shrink)
I was still feeling like I was in a fight or flight mode then.
Ellie told him about this and we made an appointment early the next day.
At the appointment, we all agreed that Cymbalta wasn't working well. The prior day, Weds. I left a message that I felt I was losing my mind and that I didn't want to ER, on this Dr.'s voice message. The Dr. took most the appointment to explain about the med & apologize even though he never said it. I could feel he was trying to apologize without saying it out right or maybe he seemed to be begging for forgiveness.
Thursday night, I still attended the banjo class, and part way through, I got a severe urge to leave and I was starting to heat up. I managed to hang on and enjoyed the class.
I seem to be all over today, but a lot has happened since my last entry.
To sum up the Dr. Appt, the Dr. dropped my Cymbalta dose to 30mg and started me on Gabapentin. One 300mg capsule at night.
I saw around the day on Friday, and didn't work at all, but I did stitch up a couple of bags out of rabbit fur. I wanted one to store my finger picks in.
Saturday I felt better but not 100% yet.
I helped Ellie load and unload our trailer with sawdust 6 times. During this I took a small break to help the missionaries out.
The missionaries' teaching appointment turned out to be a no show though.
Sunday, I was feeling much better and went to church. Told the Bishop that I'd take the calling to be a Ward Missionary.
Monday, I was working pretty well and got more work done that day than I had in weeks.
Today, I got even more done and for the most part felt pretty darn good.
I haven't showered yet, but that was so that I could start work early today to finish what I started Monday.
The module I had been working on, is all wrapped up except for the data views to be used by Tech Support.
During this time, my head has hurt and I've taken pain meds, but the constant feeling of shit & being fucked up is almost gone now.
-- call and setup appt with Dr. T(asshole shrink)
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Manual Entry - Sun. March 18, 2012
I laid in bed, ate a little food for breakfast and got ready for church.
We arrived for choir practice and I didn't sing with them after the first speaker sat down during the meeting. I felt as though my bass voice & timing were off.
I didn't go to Sunday school and my head started hurting so much I took the last two pills left in my pocket vial.
A friend sat there telling me stories of the stupid things he did while drunk or stoned before he was baptized. I could really understand the allure of those substances, although I often crave a smoke from a cigarette, which I still deny myself. This friend is bipolar, however, I sure as hell don't know much about it.
We arrived for choir practice and I didn't sing with them after the first speaker sat down during the meeting. I felt as though my bass voice & timing were off.
I didn't go to Sunday school and my head started hurting so much I took the last two pills left in my pocket vial.
A friend sat there telling me stories of the stupid things he did while drunk or stoned before he was baptized. I could really understand the allure of those substances, although I often crave a smoke from a cigarette, which I still deny myself. This friend is bipolar, however, I sure as hell don't know much about it.
Monday, February 8, 2016
I got fished slapped yesterday, by a bout of depression.
Yesterday, I got up and found that Ellie had gotten up a few minutes before I did.
She was already using the front bathroom, so I went to the one in the back of the house.
I returned to bed before she did, and I expected her to return to bed shortly after.
Instead, she was decided to make omelets for the family instead.
This wasn't entirely bad until she screamed/yelled like some sort of banshee.
Yesterday I changed the water filter in the refrigerator on Saturday afternoon.
Turns out the damn thing started slowly leaking, for the first time ever after I changed it.
This distressed me because she cannot communicate worth shit when stuff goes down!
She's usually too busy freaking out and panicking to communicate.
I got up, and finally had to look myself what the problem was.
Turned out that the egg cartons were soaked, and the crisper drawers had a good amount of water built up in them.
After we got it all sorted out, I told her I was waiting for her to come back to bed for a little bit.
She told me she didn't want to do "anything"...
Now, I told her it would've been better if she'd have just told me and possibly snuggled with me for a few minutes instead.
When I woke up, I felt like I needed some emotional support from Ellie.
This whole process really set my mood back pretty badly.
I started to tear up and cry a bit.
Ellie originally thought it was because she didn't want to have relations.
I just needed her with me for a bit.
My leg also hurt like hell, and I really have problems with depression right now.
Things started getting really bad for me.
Finally, I took some Xanax to help me calm down.
Ellie offered to serve me up some of the omelet/eggs she was cooking up and I refused.
I think it was 15-20 minutes later that I started to feel calmed down, so I got up.
The eggs and meat she cooked up were just going into the fridge, so I ate them.
When the kids asked why I wasn't out originally when it was being cooked, I told them that I was really sad because of the pain in my knee.
Little Miss leaned over and gave me a big hug.
Big Miss didn't hear or was too preoccupied with things already.
Later on, I hopped into the shower, almost got froze out during the last half of my shower, but managed to survive.
If it wasn't for the recognition of Little Miss turning 12, I would've stayed home from church.
Instead, I waited till after the Sacrament and limped to the car and came home.
I didn't expect to sleep, so I watched Grosse Point Blank and worked on knitting my socks.
Over the last two weeks, I've been using up my pain medication more than I expected.
In fact, I've almost doubled it.
My use is not more than my dosage/prescribed use.
It's just that I'm using the maximum allotment of those pills through the day.
Unfortunately, I've typically been using the maximum by lunch now.
Today hasn't been too bad, but it still hurts.
I haven't taken any of my day-time / breakthrough pills yet.
Hopefully, I won't need to take any today.
She was already using the front bathroom, so I went to the one in the back of the house.
I returned to bed before she did, and I expected her to return to bed shortly after.
Instead, she was decided to make omelets for the family instead.
This wasn't entirely bad until she screamed/yelled like some sort of banshee.
Yesterday I changed the water filter in the refrigerator on Saturday afternoon.
Turns out the damn thing started slowly leaking, for the first time ever after I changed it.
This distressed me because she cannot communicate worth shit when stuff goes down!
She's usually too busy freaking out and panicking to communicate.
I got up, and finally had to look myself what the problem was.
Turned out that the egg cartons were soaked, and the crisper drawers had a good amount of water built up in them.
After we got it all sorted out, I told her I was waiting for her to come back to bed for a little bit.
She told me she didn't want to do "anything"...
Now, I told her it would've been better if she'd have just told me and possibly snuggled with me for a few minutes instead.
When I woke up, I felt like I needed some emotional support from Ellie.
This whole process really set my mood back pretty badly.
I started to tear up and cry a bit.
Ellie originally thought it was because she didn't want to have relations.
I just needed her with me for a bit.
My leg also hurt like hell, and I really have problems with depression right now.
Things started getting really bad for me.
Finally, I took some Xanax to help me calm down.
Ellie offered to serve me up some of the omelet/eggs she was cooking up and I refused.
I think it was 15-20 minutes later that I started to feel calmed down, so I got up.
The eggs and meat she cooked up were just going into the fridge, so I ate them.
When the kids asked why I wasn't out originally when it was being cooked, I told them that I was really sad because of the pain in my knee.
Little Miss leaned over and gave me a big hug.
Big Miss didn't hear or was too preoccupied with things already.
Later on, I hopped into the shower, almost got froze out during the last half of my shower, but managed to survive.
If it wasn't for the recognition of Little Miss turning 12, I would've stayed home from church.
Instead, I waited till after the Sacrament and limped to the car and came home.
I didn't expect to sleep, so I watched Grosse Point Blank and worked on knitting my socks.
Over the last two weeks, I've been using up my pain medication more than I expected.
In fact, I've almost doubled it.
My use is not more than my dosage/prescribed use.
It's just that I'm using the maximum allotment of those pills through the day.
Unfortunately, I've typically been using the maximum by lunch now.
Today hasn't been too bad, but it still hurts.
I haven't taken any of my day-time / breakthrough pills yet.
Hopefully, I won't need to take any today.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Welcome to the Church of Jared, Bender & Homer!
Brothers and Sisters!
Can I get a "Woo Hoo"?
Can I get a "D'OH"?
Can I hear a "Mmm. Donuts"?
Will someone give me "Bite My Shiny Metal Ass"?
Give me a "Bite My Shiny Metal Ass"!
Brothers and Sisters! The Ogre Shrink has felt that I should have dispensed to me the good pills of Zyprexa!
Give me a "Daffodil"?
Now give me a "Daffodil"!
The Zyprexa, which I have received unto me and thus I have partaken last night... It hath caused that I should lie down upon my bed and sleep... A sleep that should keep me asleep. That I wouldst be a tired and rest myself from all the WTF was going on...
Now to close this ... Sermon...
Brother Bender, whilst thou?
To quote the prophet Jerematic: 1000101010101... ...0010110012. Amen.
Can I get a "Woo Hoo"?
Woo Hoo!The Ogre Shrink has give us this yesterday, a daily Zyprexa!
Can I get a "D'OH"?
D'oh!Yah, see the Lord hisself has seen fit that when I should ask for help... especially help from the good Ogre Shrink, that I should get it!
Can I hear a "Mmm. Donuts"?
Mmm. Donuts!Now whilst I was in the depths of trial and tribulations of Bipolar Disorder, I was unaware of the Caliber of Disaster I was in!
Will someone give me "Bite My Shiny Metal Ass"?
ummm...Though dost blaspheme!
Bite My Shiny Metal.. butt?
Give me a "Bite My Shiny Metal Ass"!
Bite My Shiny Metal Ass!Woo Hoo!
Brothers and Sisters! The Ogre Shrink has felt that I should have dispensed to me the good pills of Zyprexa!
Give me a "Daffodil"?
Uh What?If thou sinners followed the good Futurama, though wouldst know that our Esteemed Bender Rodriguez has been known to say "Daffodil"!
Now give me a "Daffodil"!
Forgive us our ignorance, Oh great and crazy Jared!Are you sassing me and calling thou me nuts?
Daffodil!
uh... No...See that you don't or I shall have to read from the Good Book 3.0!
The Zyprexa, which I have received unto me and thus I have partaken last night... It hath caused that I should lie down upon my bed and sleep... A sleep that should keep me asleep. That I wouldst be a tired and rest myself from all the WTF was going on...
Now to close this ... Sermon...
Brother Bender, whilst thou?
To quote the prophet Jerematic: 1000101010101... ...0010110012. Amen.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Oh, the weather outside is frightful... Oh, it's twue, it's twue...
Usually, when it's in the 20's & 30's over night, my home office is somewhere in the 50's - 60's to start off with and might get into the higher 60's.
Well, it was about 30 when I started work this morning, and now it's 50 outside, and almost 74 inside.
If you aren't aware, I have a real problem being in temperatures over 72 degrees these days.
For the past 3+ years, I've become a walking space heater. I wear shorts all year round, except when Ellie tells me to wear pants to different occasions. Heck, I even own nice dress shorts to church. Part of the reason besides heat dissipation, is that heat triggers migraines, and for the arthritis in my knees, I wear a prescribed brace on my right knee. If the brace is too tight or too loose, I don't want to drop my drawers in the chapel to readjust the brace nor do I want to run back & forth to the bathroom all the time to do it.
I try hard not to adjust it while the various classes & services are going on, as Velcro can be very noisy.
Getting back to my heater attributes, my family loves it. Ellie likes it when it's chilly at night, because she can snuggle up against me with cold feet and bum. The girls like it when we're outside, practically anywhere, because they can warm their hands up on my arms or snuggle up against me when we're walking to warm up.
I don't mind my family snuggling up against me to warm up, but what I really mind is when they start to pet my arms & legs. They are hairy and like a cat or dog, the need to pet them seems to come from almost everyone. Ellie, the girls, nieces and nephews (when they were younger) and other younger kids... or the autistic children we occasionally watch at our home.
In some ways, I suppose being an attraction for people to pet is better than being put into a cage as an attraction.
Well, it was about 30 when I started work this morning, and now it's 50 outside, and almost 74 inside.
If you aren't aware, I have a real problem being in temperatures over 72 degrees these days.
For the past 3+ years, I've become a walking space heater. I wear shorts all year round, except when Ellie tells me to wear pants to different occasions. Heck, I even own nice dress shorts to church. Part of the reason besides heat dissipation, is that heat triggers migraines, and for the arthritis in my knees, I wear a prescribed brace on my right knee. If the brace is too tight or too loose, I don't want to drop my drawers in the chapel to readjust the brace nor do I want to run back & forth to the bathroom all the time to do it.
I try hard not to adjust it while the various classes & services are going on, as Velcro can be very noisy.
Getting back to my heater attributes, my family loves it. Ellie likes it when it's chilly at night, because she can snuggle up against me with cold feet and bum. The girls like it when we're outside, practically anywhere, because they can warm their hands up on my arms or snuggle up against me when we're walking to warm up.
I don't mind my family snuggling up against me to warm up, but what I really mind is when they start to pet my arms & legs. They are hairy and like a cat or dog, the need to pet them seems to come from almost everyone. Ellie, the girls, nieces and nephews (when they were younger) and other younger kids... or the autistic children we occasionally watch at our home.
In some ways, I suppose being an attraction for people to pet is better than being put into a cage as an attraction.
Come see the amazing Jared Strider and his hairy arms & legs. Aren't they plush!?Since this is Thanksgiving Eve, I suppose that I should be thankful that today's my last day of work for the week and I won't have to spend all day in my little office upstairs. Where the temperature raises faster than than a teenager on Viagra...
He's a native to North America, eats a variety of food and might actually kill us if he wasn't in that cage.
Oh look, it's feeding time, lets see what he's going to eat today...
Friday, November 22, 2013
When she's right, she's right... Why do I always hear a piper today?
The other day Ellie noted that the shower wasn't draining very well anymore and it was probably due to all the long hair between her and the girls.
I also suspect that it's from our sheltie. He's got really long/wooly type of fur and Ellie gave him a bath last week.
After my shower today, I took the plunger to the shower drain, and it didn't help.
Next, I'm going try using Drano or some knock off.
If that doesn't work, then I'll pull out the drain auger/snake... Then I get to run that for a while and pull out the clog.
Usually when I pull out the clog, it's a gag type of moment. Sometimes it brings its own special odor or is a large hairball yacked up by a Yeti.
What's ever worse than the shower drain is the sink drain. That ALWAYS has a stink to it... And it's slippery/slimy. ACK!
Being a home owner brings all sorts of fun like this.
As to the piper, since my shower, I have been in a better mood, and for some reason hearing bag pipe music being belted out at high volume is pumping me up.
Of course, so is "No Church in the Wild" by Kanye West and Jay-Z.
Well, otherwise, my mood is going up, and I hope that it keeps going today, but doesn't crash tomorrow. Which would suck.
I'm supposed to help out my family & their girls club sell stuff at a church's bazaar. (Lucky me, eh?) If I'm not feeling so hot, then I know I'm going to be a cynical asshole to everyone that I meet and I'll have to bite my tongue... Even if it's not my particular chapel & faith.
To make matters even more fun tomorrow, we're doing family pictures sometime in the afternoon. After which, we're supposed to return to the bazaar to keep pimping the goods that were made.
I'm thinking about taking the Zombie Dice game with me, so that the kids and I can have something to play when/if things get really slow... (previous post about Zombie Dice & the other Zombie game I bought..)
That'll teach that religion/chapel a thing or two about my cynical nature, eh?
It's not that I want to disrespect any religion, as I have a strong belief that EVERYONE should worship God in the manner that they see fit.
I don't like it when you go into another faith's chapel and you start getting preached at. If they really want to get my attention, they won't push their religion at me. Instead they should show me courtesy and kindness.
Since I already feel that my faith is true, I really don't think that I'm going to switch anytime soon... :)
I also suspect that it's from our sheltie. He's got really long/wooly type of fur and Ellie gave him a bath last week.
After my shower today, I took the plunger to the shower drain, and it didn't help.
Next, I'm going try using Drano or some knock off.
If that doesn't work, then I'll pull out the drain auger/snake... Then I get to run that for a while and pull out the clog.
Usually when I pull out the clog, it's a gag type of moment. Sometimes it brings its own special odor or is a large hairball yacked up by a Yeti.
What's ever worse than the shower drain is the sink drain. That ALWAYS has a stink to it... And it's slippery/slimy. ACK!
Being a home owner brings all sorts of fun like this.
As to the piper, since my shower, I have been in a better mood, and for some reason hearing bag pipe music being belted out at high volume is pumping me up.
Of course, so is "No Church in the Wild" by Kanye West and Jay-Z.
See?I have a LARGE variety of different music styles, eras, etc. Classical, Heavy Metal, Rock, Rap, Big Band, Oldies, Cowboy (not country, which I usually can't stand), etc...
When I stated that I'm a music lover, I mean it.
Well, otherwise, my mood is going up, and I hope that it keeps going today, but doesn't crash tomorrow. Which would suck.
I'm supposed to help out my family & their girls club sell stuff at a church's bazaar. (Lucky me, eh?) If I'm not feeling so hot, then I know I'm going to be a cynical asshole to everyone that I meet and I'll have to bite my tongue... Even if it's not my particular chapel & faith.
To make matters even more fun tomorrow, we're doing family pictures sometime in the afternoon. After which, we're supposed to return to the bazaar to keep pimping the goods that were made.
I'm thinking about taking the Zombie Dice game with me, so that the kids and I can have something to play when/if things get really slow... (previous post about Zombie Dice & the other Zombie game I bought..)
That'll teach that religion/chapel a thing or two about my cynical nature, eh?
It's not that I want to disrespect any religion, as I have a strong belief that EVERYONE should worship God in the manner that they see fit.
I don't like it when you go into another faith's chapel and you start getting preached at. If they really want to get my attention, they won't push their religion at me. Instead they should show me courtesy and kindness.
Since I already feel that my faith is true, I really don't think that I'm going to switch anytime soon... :)
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Change of seasons... Slowing me down a bit.
It's getting cooler pretty quickly where I live.
In fact today, the weather report called for "rain".
"Rain" for our area is usually a misting.
Well, not this time. It was full out bucketing, and my cats were both outside. The old cat is pretty smart, and will get himself under a car to stay dry. When I left the front door open for a bit, he drug himself in. My other one is almost smart. She was under the raspberry plants, but not wanting to come in, until I propped the screen door open, and then called for her.
Well, my bipolar seems to be OK still, but I seem to zone out at times when a flashback hits me, and I "disappear" into it. Not really an out of body experience, because some of these flashbacks aren't things that actually happened. Some of these flashbacks are from dreams, and recently, I've been having more dreams than I remember having in many years.
Sunday morning, Ellie was scheduled to give a talk at church. Well, all night she was up & down going to the bathroom. So I stepped in and gave her talk, adding things where the spirit prompted me to. It turned out very well.
Thinking about this blog, I haven't really wanted to post anything for a while, because I just.. I dunno... either don't care.. or.. I don't know... I don't really think it's that I don't care. It's rather that I haven't wanted to.
Many times on Friday & Monday, I thought about it, but didn't seem to have anything to add/say about anything.
Today, I need to get things moving again, as I don't want to go stagnant again, where I'm just sitting around watching videos on YouTube or playing games.
Well, I'm off to get me a bowl of Ice Cream, and I'll add some Rhubarb pie filling.. mm.. mm.
In fact today, the weather report called for "rain".
"Rain" for our area is usually a misting.
Well, not this time. It was full out bucketing, and my cats were both outside. The old cat is pretty smart, and will get himself under a car to stay dry. When I left the front door open for a bit, he drug himself in. My other one is almost smart. She was under the raspberry plants, but not wanting to come in, until I propped the screen door open, and then called for her.
stupid catI love that cat actually, but wow... She's not the smartest thing. She is very loving and strange, but a very good cat.
Well, my bipolar seems to be OK still, but I seem to zone out at times when a flashback hits me, and I "disappear" into it. Not really an out of body experience, because some of these flashbacks aren't things that actually happened. Some of these flashbacks are from dreams, and recently, I've been having more dreams than I remember having in many years.
Sunday morning, Ellie was scheduled to give a talk at church. Well, all night she was up & down going to the bathroom. So I stepped in and gave her talk, adding things where the spirit prompted me to. It turned out very well.
Thinking about this blog, I haven't really wanted to post anything for a while, because I just.. I dunno... either don't care.. or.. I don't know... I don't really think it's that I don't care. It's rather that I haven't wanted to.
Many times on Friday & Monday, I thought about it, but didn't seem to have anything to add/say about anything.
Today, I need to get things moving again, as I don't want to go stagnant again, where I'm just sitting around watching videos on YouTube or playing games.
Well, I'm off to get me a bowl of Ice Cream, and I'll add some Rhubarb pie filling.. mm.. mm.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Final Uncle Update...
Last week was an "off" week for me blogging.
Here's why:
Tuesday, I visited my Uncle during my lunch hour, and he was in lots of pain, and the Hospice nurses had him all but soaking in a morphine bath, as he was writhing around in pain.
After seeing him, I went home and tried to work, but I was really, really sad! It was a sadness, like I haven't had in over a year.
Also, I was trying to stop my Effexor dosage that week too, which is probably what made me more vulnerable to that sadness.
About 3-4 hours after coming home, I received a call that my uncle had passed on.
Ellie and I went over to his apartment, and he was definitely gone. He was very yellow as though he was jaundice. I'm going to cut this off here, since I don't want to cause anyone to gag.
The next morning, a good friend and I emptied his apartment, and Ellie began work on the funeral arrangements.
My Uncle had, several years earlier, taken care of all his funeral arrangements as much as possible. He even paid for almost all of it. He also had several thousand dollars in his account that we were able to use to pay for the cost difference from his original setup to now. Heck, there was enough there to fly my parents out here for the funeral, which was good. My dad is the last member of his immediate family, aside from my cousins.
The viewing was just family, which was OK, and everyone there was positively affected by my Uncle.
When we went to the cemetery for the grave side service, the local VFW chapter did such a great service there, I was in awe!
Since I was the only family in the area for my Uncle, I received his military honors, Flag & Three Shell casings from his 21 gun salute.
The whole day for the funeral services was very, very good and without all the humidity, I'd have been very comfortable.
Here's why:
Tuesday, I visited my Uncle during my lunch hour, and he was in lots of pain, and the Hospice nurses had him all but soaking in a morphine bath, as he was writhing around in pain.
After seeing him, I went home and tried to work, but I was really, really sad! It was a sadness, like I haven't had in over a year.
Also, I was trying to stop my Effexor dosage that week too, which is probably what made me more vulnerable to that sadness.
About 3-4 hours after coming home, I received a call that my uncle had passed on.
Ellie and I went over to his apartment, and he was definitely gone. He was very yellow as though he was jaundice. I'm going to cut this off here, since I don't want to cause anyone to gag.
The next morning, a good friend and I emptied his apartment, and Ellie began work on the funeral arrangements.
My Uncle had, several years earlier, taken care of all his funeral arrangements as much as possible. He even paid for almost all of it. He also had several thousand dollars in his account that we were able to use to pay for the cost difference from his original setup to now. Heck, there was enough there to fly my parents out here for the funeral, which was good. My dad is the last member of his immediate family, aside from my cousins.
The viewing was just family, which was OK, and everyone there was positively affected by my Uncle.
When we went to the cemetery for the grave side service, the local VFW chapter did such a great service there, I was in awe!
Since I was the only family in the area for my Uncle, I received his military honors, Flag & Three Shell casings from his 21 gun salute.
The whole day for the funeral services was very, very good and without all the humidity, I'd have been very comfortable.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I don't have much inspirational to post today.
Since posting more inspirational topics, I noticed that my blog is getting more attention.
That's funny, because on YouTube, the opposite behavior happens.
Those who post videos of their Bipolar struggles, usually get lots of hits, and the moment that they start posting videos discussing God or their religious convictions, the views go down.
Today, I thought about posting something humorous, but as I thought about what I could be funny about, it reminded me about being in a religious study class.
The class itself, was actually Old Testament studies, and the teacher suddenly switched topics.
He brought up how he was a young man, and getting ready to leave on a mission. Just before he left, he thought he should visit one of his church leaders about the way he'd been feeling about the jokes he used to tell. For his visit, he saw this church leader at his office place of business.
The leader then asked him to tell him one of his off color jokes. Now my instructor said that he sat there for probably 5-10 minutes before this church leader asked him again to tell him a joke.
Well, he finally told him a joke, and he said he couldn't remember the content of it when he told the class about this story. He was then asked if he really thought it was funny.
His church leader, then opened the door and told him to turn around and bend over. Our instructor complied, and then received a good kick in the butt out the door, and told to stop.
All of the secretaries & people working outside of the leader's office saw this, and my instructor was very embarrassed.
After he related this story to me, I thought about the manner of joking that I had been involved in, both before I married Ellie and after.
I felt bad, and I even called Ellie's dad to apologize to him about some of the jokes that I told around him.
Since that time, I have really struggled hard to not involve myself with dirty jokes.
My coworkers, often get to joking, and when it starts to turn dirty, I leave. To some of them, it's a bit of game, to see if they can crack me, so that I'll join in their joking.
I can be proud to say that I can stay away from it.
If I could find this instructor, I'd like to thank him for his sudden thoughts of inspiration to share his story with the class.
That's funny, because on YouTube, the opposite behavior happens.
Those who post videos of their Bipolar struggles, usually get lots of hits, and the moment that they start posting videos discussing God or their religious convictions, the views go down.
Today, I thought about posting something humorous, but as I thought about what I could be funny about, it reminded me about being in a religious study class.
The class itself, was actually Old Testament studies, and the teacher suddenly switched topics.
He brought up how he was a young man, and getting ready to leave on a mission. Just before he left, he thought he should visit one of his church leaders about the way he'd been feeling about the jokes he used to tell. For his visit, he saw this church leader at his office place of business.
The leader then asked him to tell him one of his off color jokes. Now my instructor said that he sat there for probably 5-10 minutes before this church leader asked him again to tell him a joke.
Well, he finally told him a joke, and he said he couldn't remember the content of it when he told the class about this story. He was then asked if he really thought it was funny.
His church leader, then opened the door and told him to turn around and bend over. Our instructor complied, and then received a good kick in the butt out the door, and told to stop.
All of the secretaries & people working outside of the leader's office saw this, and my instructor was very embarrassed.
After he related this story to me, I thought about the manner of joking that I had been involved in, both before I married Ellie and after.
I felt bad, and I even called Ellie's dad to apologize to him about some of the jokes that I told around him.
Since that time, I have really struggled hard to not involve myself with dirty jokes.
My coworkers, often get to joking, and when it starts to turn dirty, I leave. To some of them, it's a bit of game, to see if they can crack me, so that I'll join in their joking.
I can be proud to say that I can stay away from it.
If I could find this instructor, I'd like to thank him for his sudden thoughts of inspiration to share his story with the class.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Lord, it is good for us to be here...
A little over 13 years ago, when I was 25ish, I was asked to give a talk to the congregation at church.
I was freshly divorced, attending a young single adult congregation. I had been alone and celibate for nearly three years, from the time that my ex-wife had left me.
During the time that I was alone, I really discovered God, and when I joined this younger congregation, I felt that I was in the right place, at the right time.
So, when I was asked to talk, I had just finished reading through the book of Matthew, in the New Testament, and the line "Lord, it is good for us to be here" really stood out to me.
Here it is in context:
On Saturday night, we went to dinner and a movie. During the movie, I felt strongly compelled to reach down a hold Ellie's hand. I was SCARED! I'd never felt this way about anyone else before. Not even my ex-wife. So, I grabbed her hand, and we never really let go until our date was over.
The next day, at church, I sat behind her, and passed her a note, asking her if we could go out again... She said "yes".
So, over the next few weeks, I tried to get her on the phone, but she was busy with school so I left messages with her folks. I figured, if she said "yes" to another date, I'd try to contact her weekly to get my second date.
I finally got with her almost a month later, and we really clicked. It was like we were waiting for each other.
Eventually on one of our dates, about a 6-7 weeks after we met, I was really quiet and she asked me what I was thinking... So I spilled my guts....
To wind up this story, we got married about 3 1/2 months after first meeting.
Our marriage has had rocky moments, but I still love Ellie now as much as I did then.
God Bless!
I was freshly divorced, attending a young single adult congregation. I had been alone and celibate for nearly three years, from the time that my ex-wife had left me.
During the time that I was alone, I really discovered God, and when I joined this younger congregation, I felt that I was in the right place, at the right time.
So, when I was asked to talk, I had just finished reading through the book of Matthew, in the New Testament, and the line "Lord, it is good for us to be here" really stood out to me.
Here it is in context:
1 And after six days Jesus taketh aPeter, James, and John his brother, and bringeth them up into an high mountain apart,2 And was atransfigured before them: and his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.4 Then answered Peter, and said unto Jesus, Lord, it is good for us to be here: if thou wilt, let us make here three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias. (Matthew 17:1–4 KJV).
I started to speak to my young single peers, and I expounded to them, that it was good that we were there, in a chapel dedicated to the Lord.
Feeling moved by the Holy Ghost, I then explained how I had been named before I was born, but not the name that my mother had expected to give me. (I posted this previously. Read it here.)
Also, my over the years, my mother often told me about the dedication prayer at the chapel that I had attended as child. That it was foretold that many great leaders would pass through its doors. Now this is true, many great leaders have passed through its doors to go on into the higher leadership of our church.
Do I consider myself to be a great leader?
These days, I question it greatly.
Back then, as I stood before that congregation, I felt that I was going to be a great leader unto many of them.
Most of the congregation was younger than I was and I was considered an "old man" at 25.
I was able to share my experiences with them.
Ellie, my wife, was not a very active member of that congregation. On a Monday, she showed up for an hike up a local butte. (I know it looks like butt, but it's pronounced beaut, like beaut-i-ful.)
When I saw Ellie, I knew that I had found the person I was going to marry. That night, after the hike, we decided to head over to someone's house to watch Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail, and eat pizza. Which I funded... (Hey, I was making 28k-29k/year as single guy at the time, and I had extra $ on me all the time, since I had a roommate and we split costs.)
As we started grabbing pizza and seats, I noticed that someone else had sat next to Ellie on the couch, and I offered the guy the corner seat at the couch, as the "most comfortable" place to sit, so that I could sit next to Ellie. :)
I was so compelled to ask her out, that I almost pulled my Palm Pilot out to ask her out. (Yes, I was a geek back then, and carried a PDA, long before Smart Phones)
It was probably better that I didn't. Aside from looking like a geek, I didn't want the other guys there to know that I wanted to know Ellie better. (Dating in a young congregation like that was almost like fighting a battle. I'd seen some guys/gals sabotage future relationships in the interest of attracting someone's attention.
Many of us referred to make-up as "War Paint", as many of the gals were always looking for their future husbands.
When I told Ellie that later on that I was going to use the Palm Pilot to ask her out, she said she'd been embarrassed if I had.
So I called her at home, the next day and we made a date for Saturday night.
This was my third date for the week. I had planned on taking one girl to lunch on Weds afternoon, and I had another date planned with a girl to go bowling on Friday night, then another one with Ellie Saturday.
Now, I know many of you are going...
Holy COW!Were you a player?
No!I just figured out that I hadn't really met enough girls to choose one and settle down. I also knew what I was looking for in a wife, after my previous marriage.
On Saturday night, we went to dinner and a movie. During the movie, I felt strongly compelled to reach down a hold Ellie's hand. I was SCARED! I'd never felt this way about anyone else before. Not even my ex-wife. So, I grabbed her hand, and we never really let go until our date was over.
The next day, at church, I sat behind her, and passed her a note, asking her if we could go out again... She said "yes".
So, over the next few weeks, I tried to get her on the phone, but she was busy with school so I left messages with her folks. I figured, if she said "yes" to another date, I'd try to contact her weekly to get my second date.
I finally got with her almost a month later, and we really clicked. It was like we were waiting for each other.
Eventually on one of our dates, about a 6-7 weeks after we met, I was really quiet and she asked me what I was thinking... So I spilled my guts....
"It'd be nice to be married."I knew I took her by surprise. At first, she said no... As we continued to go out on dates that week, she started asking about plans to get married.
To wind up this story, we got married about 3 1/2 months after first meeting.
Our marriage has had rocky moments, but I still love Ellie now as much as I did then.
God Bless!
Monday, August 5, 2013
Coincidents?
Several years ago, I was asked to speak the congregation at church.
The topic I was given was "The Lords Tender Mercies".
I'm certain that many you who've read my blog entries, up till now, would expect this to be the last thing anyone would want me to do. Considering my swearing and general negativity... (Recently)
What I wound up doing, the day that I was writing this talk, was listening to music on my computer and doing various research on the topic.
As I listened to the MP3 player, I started paring down to just instrumentals, and finally down to one song.
This song starts out very slow & quiet. You can hear the drones starting to fire up, followed by the chanter playing "Amazing Grace". As the song progresses, additional pipers join in, and the music & sound swells!
The song itself was written by John Newton.
He was involved with the Slave Trade in the 1740's.
During his time as a sailor, he was known as a very profane person, who even shocked other sailors with his words and behaviors.
On one of his trips in 1748, he was in a violent storm. It was during this storm that he begged for mercy from God.
This didn't end his slave trading career, but it did eventually lead him to stop around 1755 and pursue Christianity.
A movie by the name of "Amazing Grace" was filmed, that showed how he helped to influence Britain's involvement in the Slave Trade.
The term "tender mercies" shows up in both the Bible and the Book of Mormon.
In The Book of Mormon, Nephi is writing about his father's preaching, and how the people want to take his life.
Here is how his testamony is strengthened: (1 Nephi 1:20)
Now when, I finished delivering my speech, I sat down, knowing that God had directed me to say those things which were needed to those in attendance that day.
What struck me as "Coincidental" was that I watched shortly after how many others referred to "John Newton" and "Amazing Grace".
This is referring to other speakers at church, not just in my own congregation, but also people on TV/Radio.
I was thrilled that I had been shown the "Tender Mercies" and others had also received the same inspiration.
God Bless you!
The topic I was given was "The Lords Tender Mercies".
I'm certain that many you who've read my blog entries, up till now, would expect this to be the last thing anyone would want me to do. Considering my swearing and general negativity... (Recently)
What I wound up doing, the day that I was writing this talk, was listening to music on my computer and doing various research on the topic.
As I listened to the MP3 player, I started paring down to just instrumentals, and finally down to one song.
This song starts out very slow & quiet. You can hear the drones starting to fire up, followed by the chanter playing "Amazing Grace". As the song progresses, additional pipers join in, and the music & sound swells!
The song itself was written by John Newton.
He was involved with the Slave Trade in the 1740's.
During his time as a sailor, he was known as a very profane person, who even shocked other sailors with his words and behaviors.
On one of his trips in 1748, he was in a violent storm. It was during this storm that he begged for mercy from God.
This didn't end his slave trading career, but it did eventually lead him to stop around 1755 and pursue Christianity.
A movie by the name of "Amazing Grace" was filmed, that showed how he helped to influence Britain's involvement in the Slave Trade.
The term "tender mercies" shows up in both the Bible and the Book of Mormon.
In The Book of Mormon, Nephi is writing about his father's preaching, and how the people want to take his life.
Here is how his testamony is strengthened: (1 Nephi 1:20)
But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender cmercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of ddeliverance.In the Bible, Jacob prays to God that he is "not worthy of the least of all the bmercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shewed unto thy servant;" (Genesis 32:10 KJV)
Now when, I finished delivering my speech, I sat down, knowing that God had directed me to say those things which were needed to those in attendance that day.
What struck me as "Coincidental" was that I watched shortly after how many others referred to "John Newton" and "Amazing Grace".
This is referring to other speakers at church, not just in my own congregation, but also people on TV/Radio.
I was thrilled that I had been shown the "Tender Mercies" and others had also received the same inspiration.
God Bless you!
'Ow! My giant blue head!' -Megamind
Ok, so I'm not Megamind, although, I do love that movie.
So what if I love animated movies? I might be closer to 40 than to 30, but I love to watch those shows, and having kids makes it easier to enjoy them.
Well, the point with the quote containing "Ow!..." is that my head has been hurting the past few days.
Just about completely right above the eyes in the forehead... basically in the sinuses, where I was told by my family doctor... "... there's no such thing as a Sinus headache, they're all migraines..."
So, WTF does that mean to me?
It means, that there's very little they can or will do these days.
Yesterday (Sunday), I didn't go to church because I hurt so bad, and spent a great deal of the day with an ice pack on my head.
I think the temperatures outside reach into the 90's and so, I wound up with a heat pad around my head last night, sipping hot chocolate, because the heat felt good to my head & sinuses.
I should've taken a shower/bath yesterday, but wound up not doing it, even though, a nice hot bath often helps with my headaches.
Last night, after finishing a movie (I forgot which one it was), I got ready for bed, took a two Benadryl, put some of that vaporizer/Vicks stuff into the humidifier of my CPAP machine, and laid down.
Awhile later, I was asleep and only woke up to use the bathroom. While standing there, I thought.. Hey! It might be gone, only to have it start to hit me again, just before I laid back down again.
I did finally manage to fall back to sleep. I don't currently have much of a headache, although, I wouldn't be surprised if I got hit with another one today.
I suppose, the only thing I didn't do yesterday was to use my Oxygen (O2)... If Ellie were home, she'd have suggested that I use it.
I don't know if I use it enough when I get headaches, as much as I'd prefer to use pain pills.
The pain pills used to work really well, but now... I need more and more to get the darn headaches to go away.
I don't think that I'm addicted to the pills... at least not emotionally, but my body is very used to them.
The pain wasn't going away, and based on some similar headaches that week, I took two of my pain pills instead of the one that I was allotted to take a day.
My headache didn't get better, but my mood improved, and I was doing a bit more, instead of just pacing around the house with my ice pack strapped to my head and swearing.
Well, today, I'm doing OK, but I can feel that another headache might appear again.
My nose is runny today and I still have that nasty post nasal drip going on.
Too bad that I live in one of the states that REAL Pseudoephedrine requires a prescription to get. Instead of walking into a store and picking it up off the shelf and buying it.
I got tired of calling to get prescriptions for it, so I gave up trying to get it to use it. Although, right now, it might really help me during the day, and help me get through these headaches better, by drying up my sinuses.
To make matters worse for me today, my little office upstairs where I work, is already very warm, and the AC unit & fan together make me really cold, so I shut them off... only to start sweating again after 20+ minutes.
I just feel like I've entered some form/level of hell right now.
Dang it... I wish Ellie were here. She really soothes my nerves.
So what if I love animated movies? I might be closer to 40 than to 30, but I love to watch those shows, and having kids makes it easier to enjoy them.
Well, the point with the quote containing "Ow!..." is that my head has been hurting the past few days.
Just about completely right above the eyes in the forehead... basically in the sinuses, where I was told by my family doctor... "... there's no such thing as a Sinus headache, they're all migraines..."
So, WTF does that mean to me?
It means, that there's very little they can or will do these days.
Yesterday (Sunday), I didn't go to church because I hurt so bad, and spent a great deal of the day with an ice pack on my head.
I think the temperatures outside reach into the 90's and so, I wound up with a heat pad around my head last night, sipping hot chocolate, because the heat felt good to my head & sinuses.
I should've taken a shower/bath yesterday, but wound up not doing it, even though, a nice hot bath often helps with my headaches.
Last night, after finishing a movie (I forgot which one it was), I got ready for bed, took a two Benadryl, put some of that vaporizer/Vicks stuff into the humidifier of my CPAP machine, and laid down.
Awhile later, I was asleep and only woke up to use the bathroom. While standing there, I thought.. Hey! It might be gone, only to have it start to hit me again, just before I laid back down again.
I did finally manage to fall back to sleep. I don't currently have much of a headache, although, I wouldn't be surprised if I got hit with another one today.
I suppose, the only thing I didn't do yesterday was to use my Oxygen (O2)... If Ellie were home, she'd have suggested that I use it.
I don't know if I use it enough when I get headaches, as much as I'd prefer to use pain pills.
The pain pills used to work really well, but now... I need more and more to get the darn headaches to go away.
I don't think that I'm addicted to the pills... at least not emotionally, but my body is very used to them.
The pain wasn't going away, and based on some similar headaches that week, I took two of my pain pills instead of the one that I was allotted to take a day.
My headache didn't get better, but my mood improved, and I was doing a bit more, instead of just pacing around the house with my ice pack strapped to my head and swearing.
Well, today, I'm doing OK, but I can feel that another headache might appear again.
My nose is runny today and I still have that nasty post nasal drip going on.
Too bad that I live in one of the states that REAL Pseudoephedrine requires a prescription to get. Instead of walking into a store and picking it up off the shelf and buying it.
I got tired of calling to get prescriptions for it, so I gave up trying to get it to use it. Although, right now, it might really help me during the day, and help me get through these headaches better, by drying up my sinuses.
To make matters worse for me today, my little office upstairs where I work, is already very warm, and the AC unit & fan together make me really cold, so I shut them off... only to start sweating again after 20+ minutes.
I just feel like I've entered some form/level of hell right now.
Dang it... I wish Ellie were here. She really soothes my nerves.
I love her very, very much.
Monday, July 29, 2013
I feel nauseated today.
I slept well...
In fact, I slept several hours longer today, than I was on average last week.
So far, I've got this nagging sort of headache that's not going away, and I feel that if I took my pain pills, that they wouldn't really help it out. It might be from too much use a few weeks ago, when my knees were really bugging me.
My progress towards the XML parsing process is going well. I'm learning a lot of different things you can do with XML files, but also I'm frustrated, as some properties I'm reading from the files aren't documented hardly anywhere. Other than other applications that make use of the files, but no one says how those files are generated/read/etc.
So, I've been left to either write up my own entire parsing modules or continuing my crazy search for the actual source of the data.
As an attempt to utilize the native components to read this data, I sent an email to the development team to figure out what sort of parser they're using, and I got back some information that should help. The only problem with this is that, their data is targeted towards unmanaged code in C++, and I'm using .NET & C#.
I can write/read in either one, but many of the API calls & functions in C++ are not present natively in C#/.NET, so a lot of work goes into porting the functionality over.
Yesterday, I went to church for the first time in several weeks, and I felt good that my dress shirt fit me better than it did the last time I wore it. This means the weight gain from Zyprexa is wearing off, and I hope that I can continue to shrink back down to my normal 270-290 range. It's still heavy, but it's better than 330 or so, that I was.
I'm also bummed out, it looks like during the time that I spent helping Ellie after her hysterectomy that ALL of my miniature roses have died.
My orchid is still living, and I believe it's actually a heartier plant than roses are.
I can replace my miniature roses, one plant at a time, but I'm a bit bummed about it. I was enjoying growing them.
Well, I also have a bromeliad that Ellie bought that wasn't doing what she thought it should, so I adopted it, and I'm keeping it with the orchids. (it's supposed to be treated like an orchid anyway.
I've thought about buying a pineapple to start my own pineapple plant, and growing my own little pineapples. :)
I saw a pineapple plant at the Oncologists office during one of my Uncle's chemo appointment.
Well, Ellie & the kids are going to be going camping with Ellie's family, and they're leaving tomorrow afternoon, and in some ways, I'm glad they're going for a while. Although, I don't want them to stay away as long as they are. (12-13 days or so.)
I should be OK, I'm pretty stable, and I have all the medications that I need to survive. Aside from possible mood changes, and if I can't control any sexual urges while Ellie is away, I should be fine. Ellie really is good for helping control those urges, and since I've been going off of the Effexor, I'm starting to notice my libido starting to return. (w00t! but this can also be a problem too.)
In fact, I slept several hours longer today, than I was on average last week.
So far, I've got this nagging sort of headache that's not going away, and I feel that if I took my pain pills, that they wouldn't really help it out. It might be from too much use a few weeks ago, when my knees were really bugging me.
My progress towards the XML parsing process is going well. I'm learning a lot of different things you can do with XML files, but also I'm frustrated, as some properties I'm reading from the files aren't documented hardly anywhere. Other than other applications that make use of the files, but no one says how those files are generated/read/etc.
So, I've been left to either write up my own entire parsing modules or continuing my crazy search for the actual source of the data.
As an attempt to utilize the native components to read this data, I sent an email to the development team to figure out what sort of parser they're using, and I got back some information that should help. The only problem with this is that, their data is targeted towards unmanaged code in C++, and I'm using .NET & C#.
I can write/read in either one, but many of the API calls & functions in C++ are not present natively in C#/.NET, so a lot of work goes into porting the functionality over.
Yesterday, I went to church for the first time in several weeks, and I felt good that my dress shirt fit me better than it did the last time I wore it. This means the weight gain from Zyprexa is wearing off, and I hope that I can continue to shrink back down to my normal 270-290 range. It's still heavy, but it's better than 330 or so, that I was.
I'm also bummed out, it looks like during the time that I spent helping Ellie after her hysterectomy that ALL of my miniature roses have died.
My orchid is still living, and I believe it's actually a heartier plant than roses are.
I can replace my miniature roses, one plant at a time, but I'm a bit bummed about it. I was enjoying growing them.
Well, I also have a bromeliad that Ellie bought that wasn't doing what she thought it should, so I adopted it, and I'm keeping it with the orchids. (it's supposed to be treated like an orchid anyway.
I've thought about buying a pineapple to start my own pineapple plant, and growing my own little pineapples. :)
I saw a pineapple plant at the Oncologists office during one of my Uncle's chemo appointment.
Well, Ellie & the kids are going to be going camping with Ellie's family, and they're leaving tomorrow afternoon, and in some ways, I'm glad they're going for a while. Although, I don't want them to stay away as long as they are. (12-13 days or so.)
I should be OK, I'm pretty stable, and I have all the medications that I need to survive. Aside from possible mood changes, and if I can't control any sexual urges while Ellie is away, I should be fine. Ellie really is good for helping control those urges, and since I've been going off of the Effexor, I'm starting to notice my libido starting to return. (w00t! but this can also be a problem too.)
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I didn't post yesterday... So sue me...
Don't actually sue me... I don't have much money, and I'm supporting a family with two children.
Ok, granted, if I'd had more children, you might actually feel sorry for me, and offer to give me money.
Well, not all of us can do what my parents had done. There were six of us kids.
Even back in the late 70's & early 80's many people were shocked.
Of course, we didn't live in Utah or some largely Catholic community. We were in the heart of Southern California, so a large variety of people, most of which only had 1-3 children anyway.
Hell, most of the kids I went to school with only had 1-2 siblings, while I had 5.
I don't know my older siblings as well as my younger sister, but then again, she and I stuck together during some pretty rough years for the family.
My brothers were off on Missions, and I was graduating High School.
I never wanted to go on a mission... Even as a young kid, the thought of going out and teaching people or knocking on doors, intimidated me and it was something that I didn't want to do.
As a teenager, I fought off everyone's attempt to coax me into going, and I didn't go.
Am I a different person for not going? Perhaps. Would my life be better off if I'd have gone? I won't know... I took the route that I took, because it was what I wanted.
I probably wouldn't have been knocking around with my girlfriend at the time, and wind up marrying the psycho. If you think Bipolar people are crazy, you need to meet my ex-wife and understand some of the crap that she did. WOW
Looking back on my life, I made my decisions and it appears that the Lord had decided to help me by putting the right sorts of things in my way. Like my ex-wife. Without meeting her, I'd have never come back to the church, nor would I have probably stayed out of jail or prison. (BTW, I've never been to either, although some crimes I've committed should've landed me there.)
Without going through the painful divorce, I'd never have ended up in the North West US, and married my current wife, Ellie.
I love Ellie, and our children are the best!
Does this mean that I'm always solid on my faith in God? No... In fact last year, while I was going through my big struggle with my mental illness, I challenged him many, many times. I would cry and wonder where He was. I would shout and swear at Him.
I never really understood why I was like that, until I was reading a news article one day that had a YouTube video embedded on it. This video, of course, when it was over, had links to other videos. Eventually, after wasting sometime, I saw this pretty young face with the description of something about Bipolar. So I clicked on it, and wound up spending the next day and a half watching her videos, instead of working.
Now, if I was an employer, I'd be pissed that someone had missed that much time working and not taking it as time off. But, I didn't necessarily tell my employer. ( I know, it's something that I've repented of, and my boss understood as I actually started getting the help I needed.)
Watching this young lady's Vlogs (video logs) about her Bipolar condition struck a cord with me, and I felt like she had been describing my problems.
Then through a subscription to her channel I met up with another bipolar guy, who's descriptions of his life sounded just like mine! (Hey, I was onto something!!!)
So, I finally started wondering if I was bipolar, since I'd slipped into a depression and was having uncontrolled rage/anger episodes. (Don't worry, no one got hit, but I sure swore and yelled a lot)
After telling my counselor that I felt I was going crazy, I saw a shrink. Finally, I got put on Effexor. (I'm now working on getting off of it.) It helped with most of the anger, but it didn't really help over all. I got into arguments with the shrink and during the appointments he basically only talked to my wife.
I got fed up with that shrink and switched. During the time that I was switching, I was "stable", but I was starting to get paranoid and have small break downs again. (Again with the crying, and arguing with God.)
So, my first appointment with the new shrink went well, and I thought I'd be OK... Well, I was still having my freakin' weird sleeping habits. Where I'd know at least 1-2 nights a week, and it was sometimes totally random, that I'd only sleep 1-2 hours, if that, and I'd be awake and alert and ready to do things.
Then my wife went with me to an appointment when I was in a bit of a panic mode. She finally said that my moods going up and down were really painful to watch and that I needed something.
I was put on Zyprexa and a few days later, I was doing my hobbies again, and starting to feel like I wasn't behind a large glass door watching my life.
These days, I'm off Zyprexa, but I'm also working up my dose of Lamictal and I'm also on half the dosage of Effexor.
Granted, the Shrink will probably be a bit surprised that I tapered off of these myself, but I had to do something. My weight gain on those drugs put me well over 300lbs! I usually weighed in around 270-290, and I'm well over 6'2". (As previously noted, but since this post is more recent and I doubt the reader will read ALL of my posts... I post it again.)
Lamictal was weight neutral, and didn't have the libido/bedroom problems that "side" Effexor has. (The new shrink to me that's what they called Effexor sometimes... "Side-Effects OR")
Well, that's my rant and rave for the day and yesterday.. I suppose...
Ok, granted, if I'd had more children, you might actually feel sorry for me, and offer to give me money.
Well, not all of us can do what my parents had done. There were six of us kids.
Even back in the late 70's & early 80's many people were shocked.
Of course, we didn't live in Utah or some largely Catholic community. We were in the heart of Southern California, so a large variety of people, most of which only had 1-3 children anyway.
Hell, most of the kids I went to school with only had 1-2 siblings, while I had 5.
I don't know my older siblings as well as my younger sister, but then again, she and I stuck together during some pretty rough years for the family.
My brothers were off on Missions, and I was graduating High School.
I never wanted to go on a mission... Even as a young kid, the thought of going out and teaching people or knocking on doors, intimidated me and it was something that I didn't want to do.
As a teenager, I fought off everyone's attempt to coax me into going, and I didn't go.
Am I a different person for not going? Perhaps. Would my life be better off if I'd have gone? I won't know... I took the route that I took, because it was what I wanted.
I probably wouldn't have been knocking around with my girlfriend at the time, and wind up marrying the psycho. If you think Bipolar people are crazy, you need to meet my ex-wife and understand some of the crap that she did. WOW
Looking back on my life, I made my decisions and it appears that the Lord had decided to help me by putting the right sorts of things in my way. Like my ex-wife. Without meeting her, I'd have never come back to the church, nor would I have probably stayed out of jail or prison. (BTW, I've never been to either, although some crimes I've committed should've landed me there.)
Without going through the painful divorce, I'd never have ended up in the North West US, and married my current wife, Ellie.
I love Ellie, and our children are the best!
Does this mean that I'm always solid on my faith in God? No... In fact last year, while I was going through my big struggle with my mental illness, I challenged him many, many times. I would cry and wonder where He was. I would shout and swear at Him.
I never really understood why I was like that, until I was reading a news article one day that had a YouTube video embedded on it. This video, of course, when it was over, had links to other videos. Eventually, after wasting sometime, I saw this pretty young face with the description of something about Bipolar. So I clicked on it, and wound up spending the next day and a half watching her videos, instead of working.
Now, if I was an employer, I'd be pissed that someone had missed that much time working and not taking it as time off. But, I didn't necessarily tell my employer. ( I know, it's something that I've repented of, and my boss understood as I actually started getting the help I needed.)
Watching this young lady's Vlogs (video logs) about her Bipolar condition struck a cord with me, and I felt like she had been describing my problems.
Then through a subscription to her channel I met up with another bipolar guy, who's descriptions of his life sounded just like mine! (Hey, I was onto something!!!)
So, I finally started wondering if I was bipolar, since I'd slipped into a depression and was having uncontrolled rage/anger episodes. (Don't worry, no one got hit, but I sure swore and yelled a lot)
After telling my counselor that I felt I was going crazy, I saw a shrink. Finally, I got put on Effexor. (I'm now working on getting off of it.) It helped with most of the anger, but it didn't really help over all. I got into arguments with the shrink and during the appointments he basically only talked to my wife.
I got fed up with that shrink and switched. During the time that I was switching, I was "stable", but I was starting to get paranoid and have small break downs again. (Again with the crying, and arguing with God.)
So, my first appointment with the new shrink went well, and I thought I'd be OK... Well, I was still having my freakin' weird sleeping habits. Where I'd know at least 1-2 nights a week, and it was sometimes totally random, that I'd only sleep 1-2 hours, if that, and I'd be awake and alert and ready to do things.
Then my wife went with me to an appointment when I was in a bit of a panic mode. She finally said that my moods going up and down were really painful to watch and that I needed something.
I was put on Zyprexa and a few days later, I was doing my hobbies again, and starting to feel like I wasn't behind a large glass door watching my life.
These days, I'm off Zyprexa, but I'm also working up my dose of Lamictal and I'm also on half the dosage of Effexor.
Granted, the Shrink will probably be a bit surprised that I tapered off of these myself, but I had to do something. My weight gain on those drugs put me well over 300lbs! I usually weighed in around 270-290, and I'm well over 6'2". (As previously noted, but since this post is more recent and I doubt the reader will read ALL of my posts... I post it again.)
Lamictal was weight neutral, and didn't have the libido/bedroom problems that "side" Effexor has. (The new shrink to me that's what they called Effexor sometimes... "Side-Effects OR")
Well, that's my rant and rave for the day and yesterday.. I suppose...
Monday, May 6, 2013
Damn am I tired!!!
Well, I finally had a water main problem, which is why it's zo late for my first entry for the day...
No big geysers or spouts in the yard...
My daughter found it while mowing the lawn.
She thought that some spilled a drink out there.
So my wife and I dug for the leak and managed to get about 1/3 of the digging done before help arrived...
Thanks to the missionaries, a friend, and a person taking missionary lessons, everything is dug out!!!
Today the same friend and I finished the extra digging and new plumbing.
I'm very grateful for the friends and people at church.. or else the work would still be going on.
After the inspection tomorrow, I'll have to start filling it in.
I hope it'll be cooler.
No big geysers or spouts in the yard...
My daughter found it while mowing the lawn.
She thought that some spilled a drink out there.
So my wife and I dug for the leak and managed to get about 1/3 of the digging done before help arrived...
Thanks to the missionaries, a friend, and a person taking missionary lessons, everything is dug out!!!
Today the same friend and I finished the extra digging and new plumbing.
I'm very grateful for the friends and people at church.. or else the work would still be going on.
After the inspection tomorrow, I'll have to start filling it in.
I hope it'll be cooler.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Feeling better.
I don't know if it was a temporary "snit/state/etc" today.
Perhaps, I'm like a Phoenix or Thunderbird, where I need to be reborn on occasions.
Or maybe, my mood is determined by the Sun.
This last one is probably more accurate, since it's been very dreary early in the day, then the sun comes out in the later afternoon. 2-4 PM or so.
Out of curiosity, I looked up the weather forecast, and it's supposed to rain this weekend. Damn, but at least, I can stay up late & sleep late (Except Sunday... darn church! hehehe)
Perhaps, I'm like a Phoenix or Thunderbird, where I need to be reborn on occasions.
Or maybe, my mood is determined by the Sun.
This last one is probably more accurate, since it's been very dreary early in the day, then the sun comes out in the later afternoon. 2-4 PM or so.
Out of curiosity, I looked up the weather forecast, and it's supposed to rain this weekend. Damn, but at least, I can stay up late & sleep late (Except Sunday... darn church! hehehe)