Update on my girls...

My previous post gave a general update on what has been happening and here I'll try to focus on my girls, Giant Miss, now referred to as Giant Missus, Big Miss and Little Miss.  The girls are all adults and out of high school.

Starting with the youngest, Little Miss, in her Junior year of High School she started exhibiting signs of depression which only got worst when Big Miss Graduated.  They both had the same friends who also graduated that year and all of them either went to college or out on church missions.  Big Miss did alright with the changes because she was starting college and started attending the singles ward.  Unlike Little Miss, she gets along with people pretty well and quickly makes friends.  During Little Miss's Senior year of high school turned into a lot of stress because she was alone a lot at school and home because Big Miss wasn't there like she had been.

During the last few months of Little Miss's senior year, one of Ellie's students was given a puppy that they couldn't keep.  Ellie contacted me asking if we should get it for Little Miss as an emotional service animal.  I quickly said "Yes!"  Ever since then she and the dog have been best buddies.

Little Miss wanted to go into nursing and eventually work in the OR with anesthesiology.  She started college in the fall but wound up failing most of the classes.  It's sad because she's very talented and empathetic of others and she would've been so successful.  Maybe she'll come around circle soon and go back into school.  If she doesn't, it's okay.

♪ Hello, again, hello...

Neil Diamond wrote the song, Hello Again, which is in the movie, The Jazz Singer.  It's a song that laments the loss of a friend, probably a lost love.  In the case of the movie, it's over the break up of his girlfriend.  In my case it's about returning to writing in this Blog.  It's been six years since I wrote anything here and there's been a lot of positive things that have happened and of course some not so positive and some very down and dark times.

Both of the younger "miss" daughters, Little & Big Miss, have grown up, graduated high school and no longer live with me. Big Miss moved out after she started going to college and church with other young single adults.  Little Miss lives with Ellie because Ellie and I have divorced (more to come on this).  I got my associates degree and certification in ParaEducation where I specialized with students & people with disabilities (also more to come).   Giant Miss is now Missus and I have a son-in-law now.  Also my employment went from driving a bus (aka large van converted to transport wheelchairs and disabled/infirm/elderly) to working for in public schools, and finally I wound up working in computer technology again, but this time in a school district.  The not so positive include a terrible kidney stone, losing both my dog the Sheltie and big cat (more to come), and Ellie's car's transmission going out, leaving the job I loved, developing severe pain in my neck, shoulder and finally lower back (sciatica).  I also moved away from all mood altering meds except for the Lamictal, except for the St. John's Wort, only to get put back on Zyprexa.

Since I'm not certain how to write all of these events and situations, I think I'll break them up into separate blog entries.

Well, my new pup which I'll call Deirdre, is bugging the piss out of me and I'll have to take this into the house to finish writing.

I dunno know... I wanted to cut something.

I can't seem to remember where I left off at right now and sure as hell don't want to go back to read it right now.


Although... I believe I wrote about my useless, older brothers... All of whom lived with my folks several times after they were out of the house and married...


Where am I going with this?


Well, I'm going where I think I need to go.

A few hours ago, I was on the verge of sitting the curb on the side of the road, fishing out my knife and putting a slice across my arm!

This is not a suicide slice!
It's a cut!
There is a difference!

The difference is that the cut hurts and will hurt for awhile, while the other will typically end your life.

I needed to release tension and at that time a cut across my forearm was the only way I thought I could handle it.

Here's the backstory:

My dad had been sick and my younger sister and her husband have been driving our mom back and forth to his appointments, and eventually to the hospitals.


About a year ago, I spoke with with my sisters about how nasty and messed up our parent's house was and that our brother's kids weren't being cared for very well.

Now, my job at that time required me to call in any form of abuse. (child, adult, elderly, spousal, etc.)

So, I called social services.

Our dad's had several major problems over the years and about a year ago landed himself in dire medical care.  My brothers all started out helping, then kind of ran into their holes, leaving my younger sister to pick up all of the slack.

Recently his health got so bad that he was losing track of who he was, who others were and where he was.  All that he knew was that he wanted to go home.

Speaking with my sister, I told her that it sounded like he needed to go on hospice where he would be kept comfortable until he passed on.  She also told me that she was getting exhausted and on one occasion that one of the other brothers was with our mom and was supposed to wait with her until my sister got there.  Well, I guess that she needed to go to a clinic and he had something else to do!  So that asshole left her there at the clinic!  WTF?  Why would you just leave someone there like that!?  Seriously!  Our mom has been fighting with dementia and memory problems for several years.

That really pissed me off, so I decided I needed to come out here to help our mom and relieve my sister and her husband.  I ordered the bus ticket and then that same night, I got a call from my oldest brother and found out that our father passed away.

I got on the bus and came out here.  (Remember, I don't fly anymore!)

The bus ride sucked like hell and everytime I fell asleep I had to wake back up again for some dumbass reason.  That last one really pissed me off.  I was finally comfortable and in a deep, deep sleep.  Then a new lady getting on the bus practically sat on me!  It's not like I'm a little, bitty dude, and I was in deep sleep!


So today, I met with all the other siblings at our mom's house and they started going through the funeral program, and at first I was willing to play a flute, but I had forgotten mine.  Then my brothers started getting a bit pushy and the real, dumbass, pious mother fucking one started trying to be cute and tell jokes.  I got mad, so when I went outside to chat with my little sister, I decided to just walk.

I just walked away, and walked for probably a mile before my sister contacted me and told me they were done, and wanted to know if I wanted a ride back to where I was staying.

During my walk, I was starting to break down about the loss of my father, but more so that my fucking brothers all of a sudden showed up and were there to help out...

This is where I emotionally had to find a way to gain control, and the first thing that popped into my mind was to cut my arm and have the pain get me back into control.

Or...

To take several pain pills and try to "gain control".

I did take one pill.

I've never had a problem with my meds and the doctor has but that would've been normal for me as I'd been taking 4 a day as needed by the doctor

Texting with my sister, she drove to where I was walking and picked me up.

Where will I be in a few weeks?

I don't fucking know, but I do know that I am going to help our Mom get things cleaned up, and help my sister get back to a semblance of normal  for her own life.

Our mom needs to be in a assisted living facility where they can help her throughout the day as she needs it.

Not sponged off of by my major asshole brother who lives with her.

It's different now than it used to be, and that's good. Right?

Since the last post lots of good and sad and even REALLY SAD things have happened.

I kept looking for work, even drove over 200 miles one day to take a test for getting post office jobs.

That day started good, I was doing dishes, when all of a sudden I remember about it, so I stopped, took everything out of the sink, then left.

While I was gone, Ellie came home and thought I had done nothing, and started to flip out.

She had called her dad, then when I called her she was completely pissed off.

I had to tell her and then prove to her that I this scheduled, then to also show her the text message date and time stamps that I had sent her just before I left.

Ellie was not happy that day still, but she realized she had nothing to really be mad at since I didn't just up and leave for no good reason'

It was shortly after that, when we had a stupid argument over our cat that she left.  She went to school with the Misses and then when they came home, she packed up a shit load of things and they left to her mom's house.

That night, Little Miss stayed with me, and I was glad.  It helped me feel better to have her here.

Now we're still married and reconciled.

BUT! I do want to conceded here, that I almost found out what the barrel of my gun tasted like.  That scared me a LOT.

However, during that few weeks, I spent a LOT of time looking at myself and writing down things and sending them to Ellie.

I started caring for myself and the house better.

Learning how to do yard work that I couldn't previously do.

In short, it was a wake up for me on a personal level, but it also woke me up to things about Ellie that are concerning.  She fights really bad anxiety.  She's VERY babied by her parents, mostly by her mom.

During the summer, while camping, she invited a small family close by to come over and roast marshmallows.  The little girl had never done it before.  After they left, Ellie and I went for a walk and she was really mad because the little family said they were going to come over again the next night so their daughter could do it again.  The child had never done it until that night.  So, Ellie was flipping out because she could not be alone with her family!  It's scary to think that, but it's true.

I did get a job as a driver, but I'm make about 1/4th of what I used to make.

There was a time there where I was signed up to work on the phone doing customer service.  A little bit into it, I realized their customers were all morons, and my own anxiety was getting to me and I was starting to use my pain meds to cope.  I also realized that they wanted me to help people who wanted to cancel their service stay with them.  That makes sense, but the way they did that was to offer them free stuff, then bill the hell out of them several months later for the new services and devices.  Fuck that.  So I left them, over my own moral convictions.  This was before the temporary split, so it did fuel that tension too.

It.'s all good now, but we had very little money, Ellie is a school teacher and we spent way too much money for her classroom supplies.  She also spent way too much money on these summer trips that were supposed to be paid for by the girls club...

This next year, employment for her will be up in the air too.  Her job is only for this school year and instead of teaching a dedicated grade still, she's now teaching specialized children.  Her pay goes up, but it also means we'll need to work on getting her additional college courses to get the special education endorsement.

In all honesty, I hate the education system and it's rife with hypocrysy

I don't know WTF is going on right now...