Being unemployed is a lot of work..

I never wanted to use social media.  I still feel that it exposes you to the world, and then you need to watch what you post and what other people post about you.

Previous to being unemployed, I was almost completely missing, even though I've had a huge presence through my coding and technical documents I wrote for my employer.

Since my name was never published with my technical articles or my applications and utilities, I really don't have any proof for new employers of what I've done.

The source code I wrote for those utilities belongs to my last employer, so I cannot even share it or possibly even use it with a new employer.

So, what do I have to show for my work?

"Hey, I have written lots of technical docs, busted out hundreds of thousands of lines of code... but I can't prove it aside from just saying it."

Kinda fucked up when you're working with the intellectual rights between employers.

Going back to all the work, I spent many hours setting up a Facebook account ot use for promoting my books & stories.

It turned more into a shit fest of: "Oh, look there's my brother... oh look there's my little boy... oh look there's...  Oh, that picture is Awesome!  45 people "liked" your photo(s)..."

So WTF?

Why do I need to be notified that someone liked a picture of my bare ass?

I mean seriously?

Who cares?

I updated my profile photo with a picture taken 5 years ago, and everyone is like, "Wow, that's a great photo.".... and all I want to say is... "yeah it is... All of you have copies of it from the same damn family reunion we were all at!"

Then there's my mom... "I need you to call me..."  "That's a great photo of my "little boy""... Holy shit!  WTF would someone post shit like that to a site where most of that shit is public?


I should post something like, "here's the damn bitchy lady who used to yell at me about how poor my fucking grades were"  OR "Thanks for yelling at us kids for not putting the fucking lights on the Christmas trees correctly, when you wouldn't do it or even show us WTF you wanted done!"  OR  "WTF didn't you get an idea that I was depressed and my grades were bad about it.... Why couldn't you try and help me, instead of yelling at me!?"

Now, enough with bitching about Facebook and the idiots who use it.

Getting back to working hard being unemployed.

I setup a LinkedIn account, and spent several days filling in the various parts of the forms, and employers, and work experience, and projects I worked on, and then "connecting" with all the people I worked with over the years.

Now, the people I connected with are those that I trust.  There are shit loads of others from my last employer that I really, REALLY don't want to be associated with.

Hell most of the people aside from those I actually like are complete assholes!

Some of them are idiots and can't pour water from a boot with instructions on its heel.

A lot of them are heavy drinkers and drug users...  Yet, since this employer didn't do any drug screening, nothing was found, even though they were pretty damn fucked up sometimes.

So, getting back to LinkedIn (again), I think that I am now publicly visible through Google searches... Whoopie fucking deal.

Actually, I did several searches on my first & last name, then first name, middle initial, last name.

I found only "public" phone records, and a reference to my Facebook profile.

Otherwise, I am going to be confused with LOTS of other people with the same name, including several sports stars.

In short, it seems like a lot of fucking work for almost nothing...

Except that I had a great phone interview for an IT position, where the interviewer said she wants to meet with me and their other IT people for a formal interview.

w00t!?

I need the job... but I'm not sure how excited I am yet..

At least today I'm not feeling very excited.

I haven't been sleeping good for a variety of things.. one might be the pain in my legs still... (duh)  Another would be heavy caffeine use from not sleeping... (duh, again)  another could be the drop in pain medication.

The pain I have is being controlled almost completely with Acetaminophen these days instead of the opiods I had been taking.

It's a great thing to be off of them, for the most part... but it's also a possible reason why I'm not sleeping good.. it's allowing the pain to hit me harder at night, when the small doses I took through the day have worn off.

Right now, I am taken less than 1/8th of what I was taking three weeks ago.  In fact, I'm taking less than 1/2 of what I was using last week.

Hell, I'm not even using the muscle relaxers on any sort of regular basis.  I took some last night because I hurt my back on Saturday... and to hope they'd help put me to sleep... (HA!)

I did manage to sleep 4 hours last night, and if it continues with caffeine use the rest of the week... can anyone say... "Welcome to the Himalayas?"  I mean... "Welcome to a good old mania time?"

Oh fucking well.

It's been a while, but the new parts are installed. I just need to work 'em out.

Last month I finally had my first knee replacement.

Sounds great right?

It actually was great... but...

Nothing bad happened, just unexpected!

When we arrived to the hospital, the surgeon informed us that he had the parts for the left knee not the right one.

Since I was already scheduled to have both knees done, we changed the paperwork over right then and there to have the left one replaced.

So, how was it?

It wasn't all that bad.

For anesthesia, I went with the spinal block.  What I didn't know about this procedure, was that it requires a urinary catheter.  I don't know if I ever had one in my life.  I mean, I had kidney stones, etc, but... well, nothing that tied my piss production to a bag.

The spinal block went well, and as far as a I can tell was that the catheter was "ok"... rather not a great inconvenience and painful...

That is...

Until the freakin' spinal block wore off.

It went from "OK"
to

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT THINGS HURT LIKE HELL!"
"GET THIS DAMN THING OUT OF MY DICK!"

Unfortunately, they weren't going to take that damn thing out of my piss pipe, so I wound up waiting for IV pain killers to kick in and work, and taking more oral pain killers.

They did use lidocaine or similar surface medication to ease the dick discomfort.

It took almost 30 minutes before it got better.

What I hated was that they were going to leave that freakin' thing in there for more than 24 hours.  I had to threaten pulling it myself for them to get another doctor's approval to remove it sooner.

See, the thing was... I was embarrassed about the presence of the damn thing up my dick, so I didn't really want to get up and walk.

Actually, the pain was pretty fucking significant, so I didn't really want to get up except for those times I needed to pee, which hurt like hell anyway.

Now, I'm not ignorant, nor did I think I was unprepared, but the spinal block, catheter and type of muscle changes along with the intensity of pain really surprised me.

Putting the spinal block and catheter aside, the pain and muscle changes really, really surprised me.

I expected a great deal of pain, but not so bad that I was on almost 4 times the amount of pain killers as I was prior to the surgery.

Even now, just over 3 weeks later, I need to keep a certain level of pain killers in my system to help me to sleep and keep the pain at bay.

The muscle changes, which I was expecting, surprised me.

I knew that the quadricep muscle was going to be cut & resewn together... but what I was not expecting was for it to bundle/bunch up so much that I really couldn't extend my leg very well.  It was bunched up that when I extended the leg, I couldn't straighten it out very good.  It felt like I had a bunch of rubber balls above the knee cap, which were allowing it to flex, but not keep it that way and wants to push right back down.

At this point, the range of motion has greatly improved.

I can almost get it 100% straight and bend it fairly close to the range of the right one.

Not too bad for three weeks.

What I really need to do, is work on the entire knee's muscles groups and stretches.

My knee wants to buckle if I'm not careful and concentrate on what I'm doing.

I'm serious!

I needed to concentrate and the first week and a half I had to literally tell my leg what to do.  "Get up" "Move" "Bend", etc.

What I am currently fighting is lots of muscle pains around the quadricep and down the calves/shins.

Ice doesn't work on the muscles, so I had to buy another 24" heat pad so that I can have it affect the large muscles groups better than the little heat pads Ellie bought several months ago when my original large one died.

The heat is great, usually.

My biggest concern and complaint that's not related directly to the knee is the freakin' foot!

My left foot feels like it's freezing when I have ice on it, and chilled 80% the rest of the time.

Rarely does it ever feel warm or comfortable, unless I'm wearing these fuzzy slipper/bed socks.

Even then, I need to watch out how tight the socks are around my feet.

It's not the whole foot really, it's concentrated across the top of the foot.

Having pain across the top of the foot isn't new to me, but it's not a great feeling when my leg is messed up and I can't keep the foot well supported unless I'm in bed.

I haven't slept in my bed overnight since the first couple of days home from the hospital.

It was just easier at first to sleep next to Ellie, but then it turned out to be very painful, because I couldn't lift my own leg back into bed.  So to the recliner I went.

I'm tired of the freakin' recliner now!

I tried going back to my recliner/couch/etc and it was worse on my legs than the one I've been using.

This morning, just before Physical Therapy, I setup my body pillows the way I normally did.  They kept my leg straight and I was comfortable enough to fall to sleep really well.

I'm going to try sleeping in the bed again tonight.  With my family gone, it'll be easier to do, because I won't have to dodge around the misses in my bed or kick them out of the bed or off the couch, etc.

They've been sleeping around Ellie a lot these days, which I don't care about, but I do care that I can't just pick up and move from place to place to lay down and try relieving the pain better.

Well, this is really long and rambling.

I'm also pretty damn tired.

If it wasn't for watering the garden, I would go to bed right now.

Current state of HAM radio, projects and related shit.

I have my YouKits Ek1a that died... again...

Rather, it's a good receiver, but is useless as a transmitter.

I also have an old school Midland 13-510 2 Meter radio.

Back when I got pretty much all the radio gear that belonged to my friend, he had several kits which weren't finished or started.

A QRP antenna tuner and an Oscilloscope that he started, and didn't realize it had SMD parts.

So he put in all the other parts, but the SMD.  Then he took the whole kit, put it back in the shipping bag and put it into his box.

Well, I got it, saw how to solder SMD components and finished it.

Soldering SMD is much easier than I realized.

You just need to put a small, and I mean small, dab of solder on one pad, then hold one end of the part to that pad, and heat it up.

I'm a stubborn bastard, so I used my 100 watt solder gun.

Sounds like too much power & heat?

Yes, yes it was... at first.

Then I learned I could do the work faster and safer with it still.

I figured out that if I hold the trigger down for a second or two at a time, until the solder finally melts, I can let go and just wait for a few more seconds for it to cool down.

Worked fine.

After I finished it and ran the self tests & adjustments...

I needed somewhere to put it, since it didn't come with it's own case.

Many people online made their own "cases" out of plexiglass, etc.

Me...

I work in wood, so I made a wooden box that holds the whole unit pretty darn snug.

I even included a small compartment so that test lead(s) can be stored.

When it came to the lid, I didn't want to play around with hinges this time.

So, I cut out a piece of 1/4" plywood that fits the inner part of the box snugly.

Then I cut another piece of wood that matches the outer size of the box.

As you may guess, I glued the top & inner pieces together, so that the inner piece was centered in the top one.

This morning, I put it all together and it is snug and I have to pry the top off just a little bit for it to open.

Now, at least, it will go into the drawer with my other test tools, without me worrying about damaging the screen or the whole freakin unit.

Well, I haven't had much sleep today, so I'm going to skin out.

Well, they're gone... again... and the pain...

To start off with, I suppose it's the usual.

My freakin' legs hurt... AGAIN

I had a real hard time sleeping last night.

So much so, that I got up, listened to a radio show or two, while I was doing various word puzzles from a Puzzle Variety book that my uncle left behind.  My uncle bought those damn books by the case.

My pain medication use is skyrocketing right now.

I'm taking them 2-3 at a time right now.

I'm supposed to back off on these meds the month prior to the surgery so that the newer doses of the meds will be more effective.

Shit.. I don't know WTF is going to happen when I get there.

Damn.. I'm almost there already.

Only about 4 weeks before they replace the right knee, then at the end of August the left one will be done.

The last week or two, I've been pushing to get things done.

Like turning the large tree stump in the yard into a planter.

This afternoon, after work, I'm going over to a friend's house so that I can demo what Ubuntu 16 looks like on their daughter's touch screen laptop.

I need to do this, because the fucking Windows 8.x license is stored on a hidden partition of the original hard drive.

but...

The original hard drive froze up.

I mean literally froze up or seized if that's better for you to understand.

The damn thing wouldn't spin up.

I took the drive cover off, and tried to clean it up enough for it to spin, but it was pretty much damn stuck so that the platters & heads wouldn't move.

Since I owe this friend some time & money for some radio equipment, I ordered a new drive, and I will install it when it comes in next week.

I'm so freakin' tired right now, I really want to stop for the day and find out what's up with the car parts I ordered.  I need to replace the back spark plugs on the car, but this requires me to remove the upper intake manifold.

I figured if I took the manifold off and was going to replace the plugs, it would be worth the cost to replace the plug wires too.

As for Ellie and the Misses, they left early this morning for their annual girls club meeting in an adjoining state.

So I'm by myself all weekend.

So far, while I've been working and building/compiling shit, I've gone through my schematics & projects and organized them.

I suppose, I should start another post for what I'm doing with my radio & hobby building shit...

So there I go.

Open up and say ahh.

Well...

I am actually sad...

but...

I'm glad...


Recently, I've been having more mental health crisis problems than I have in a long time.

Ellie's also been riding my ass about taking days off from work.

I feel that I am taking advantage of my employer by "working" and not doing anything.

Doing that, hasn't been helping me because I don't want to do my job because all I do is sit there at that computer and don't do anything.

So...

Open Up and Say Ahh...

Today, Ellie and I continued a "discussion" we were having last night.

I stopped "working" and laid on the bed crying because I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Come on, any of you with depression or bipolar understand that when you're not feeling very good, you often don't know what wrong.

Anyhow, we finally decided together, because it was so late, that I should go downtown to the mental health care center/hospital.

It was really fucked up.

When they admitted me so that I could talk with them, I was lead into their locked environment, and asked to change into the "safe" paper hospital clothes.

Now, I told them I wasn't suicidal, etc.  Even though, I was kind of tempted a little bit, but I wasn't going to do anything.

So, I had to get into their scrubs...

They were monitoring me, and when they had all of my clothes, but my undershorts and socks, I said out loud, why didn't you take my socks too?

A short time later, one of the nurses came over and swapped out my socks.. well, duh!?

Their fucking camera/monitoring system works, right?

Oh well.

While I was in their room, I could hear some kid out there singing the alphabet song, then the Elmo song, etc...

That was sucky.

Then I also was getting pissed because they took my clothes, and I began to look around and see what was setup.

They were pretty thorough.

The benches I was on, were bolted down to the floor.  The lights in the ceiling were screwed shut, as was the light fixture.

What they didn't account for was that their "safe" clothes...

even though they were "paper", they were sewn up with thread.  They were strong enough, I could've rolled them up and hung myself.  Along with the thread, I could've used it for cutting my wrists, etc.

Oh well...

I'm sure I just kicked myself in the crotch for admitting it here.

Well, if I didn't write things how I see them, then how else will anyone see it too?

I was released after discussing how messed up my sleep patterns have been and that Ellie's been riding my ass so much.

What I'm supposed to do now is to start Zyprexa and try increasing it to 10 mg from the 2.5 I have now.

Well...

I took all of my meds, including the 2.5mg of Zyprexa...

Now I'm getting tired, and perhaps this will really help me out.

I needed the help.

I'd rather not go back ever again...

Hurry up and wait... again.

I saw another orthopedic surgeon yesterday.

Rather, he was the replacement for the guy who was supposed to replace my knee.

Instead of just scheduling the fucking surgery, he wanted an MRI.

Before we actually saw him, they took another X-Ray of the left knee.

They can see the really bad arthritis in the right knee, but they can't see the severity of the arthritis in the left knee.

Despite how bad the fucker hurts, he just won't go in the and the fucking work.

He also took some time to "tell me off" about the amount of pain medication that I've been taking.

Well, FUCK HIM.

It's not like I want to keep taking this medication.

He said he was concerned because the pain after the surgery was going to be really bad.

I flat told him, I'd put up with the fucking pain after it was done, because that pain would go away!

He didn't seem to understand how much I would put up just to get the fucking knee fixed so that I could stop taking the damn opiods.

Well, after the fucking appointment, I was feeling pretty damn low last night.

My alarm went off around 6:30, to remind me about the HAM radio net.

It was my turn to run the radio net last night.

While running the net, I managed to forget my troubles.  I even stuck around for about 30 minutes chatting with a friend.

After I was done, I sat down watching House with Ellie and I started to nap off/on.

Ellie suggested that I sleep in the recliner because I was falling to sleep easily in it.

Well, I did sleep OK, and right now, my knee doesn't hurt too badly.
 
Tonight, after the Misses get out of school, I'm supposed to drive them to the skating ring for an activity with their girls club.

I have been thinking about taking the wheel chair with me instead of hobbling all over the fucking place at the ring.

Follow up from my major melt down a few weeks ago.

It took me a while to really get calmed down, but it happened.

The week or two, I've actually been working!

I know, right? *grunt*
Big miss and one of her friends a few years back said that phrase ALL the time.

This is helpful.

Well, I still fought with this HR chick.

The bossman got on me about getting the forms all filled out.

About the same time as the meltdown, I dusted off the All-In-One Printer/Scanner/Copier/Fax/Cappuccino/Julian Fries machine.

I printed out all the forms needed for the disability request/accommodation and faxed them to the Orge (Shrink), and my PCP.

That Monday after my melt down, the Ogre had an appointment for me to visit him.  He told me to take Zyprexa, which I still haven't done yet.  He also filled out the forms based on our discussion about the questions on the forms.

Those questions on the forms are VERY vague for mental health disabilities.

Actually it's the same form for ALL disabilities.

Last week, I faxed the form from the Ogre to HR the day after he filled it in.

Then I called my PCP and they said they'd get it done.

Turns out, that the FAX # on their site is the wrong one for the Doctor.

I refaxed the document.

Yesterday, they had it ready.

Then, of course, I faxed the forms to HR.

The forms from the PCP said that the need to work from home would is dependent on reducing the pain on my knees.

AKA, if the knees are replaced and therapy is successful, and I'm on MUCH lower or no regular usage of pain killers, then I could work from the Office again.

Which is what I've been hoping for these past 3 years or so.

I had a really, really time sleeping this week so far, and I'm starting to doze off really badly.

I'm going to call this post done and keep trying to work for a few more house.

It's been a while.

I went through a tough week or two emotionally.

I wound up in a manic state, but a really nasty type of manic state.

It's one of those fight or flight phases, but I mostly wanted to fight.

The mood problems are fueled by people at work, but mostly trying to control the anger I have regarding my knees.

Right now, I can probably get back into that state if I start to think about it again.

Just thinking that the knee replacement is going to be delayed again makes me want to punch a hole through the wall.

Last night Ellie started to bring up the meeting with the new surgeon, and I had to ask her to stop.

I don't need to start getting pissed all over again about it.

Well...

I didn't sleep good last night.... Again...

It wasn't the anger/mania...

Yes, it was knee pain... again... :(

It was in the middle of the left knee on the inside. (Medial, I think?)

Then the large cat of mine decided she had to get up on it and knead it, which made it hurt worse.

Rolling over to re-position it made my right hip hurt.

Even when I got up they both hurt.

Just seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  (Very cliche, right?)

Well...

I dunno.

Shit just happens, I guess. (Another cliche)

I guess to quote Stephen King's, "Dreamcatcher"..

Fuck me Freddy.

Manual Entry - Monday, December 4, 2012

I found two more entries in a small journal that I had started using for keeping track of my story/poetry ideas.

Awoke at 2:30, laid in bed and attempted to sleep again until 3:30.

Got into tub of hot water and took a good bath.  Shaved face.

After getting report code adjusted, found some anomalies in the logic due to changes in the data captured.  I need to re-adjust the query for data so that processes without a true binary running.

Elder's quorum pres. stopped by.  Good chatting with them.

I think I have a kidney stone...

My pecker was hurting really badly.

Manual Entry - Sunday, December 2, 2012

I found two more entries in a small journal that I had started using for keeping track of my story/poetry ideas.

Yesterday, about 10:30 AM or so, I began to feel really good.

Sort of like, "George Nelson" from "O Brother Where Art Thou?"

Even today, I feel the best I've felt in weeks.  I slept good and woke up early and on my own.

In short, I feel good.  Still in the sort of mood like George Nelson.

After Big Miss's Swim practice, I'm going to work in the shop on some stones.

I'm going to carve, in Hebrew, "Shalom Aleichem".  Or in otherwords, "Peace be unto you."

I"ll make one for Dxx and Jxx..  Maybe the Bishop.

Damn! Was I sick!

Since all of the surgeries were cancelled for the Surgeon, which includes my knee replacement, I'm starting to see that it was probably good for me.

Although, it sucks because I still get to deal with the pain from the knees on a daily basis.

It does seem like providence, that it happened.

During the time between when I got the bad news and now, Ellie and the Misses have been sick with a fever/cold/flu thing.

Then the past 5+ days I've been sick myself.

Mostly with a cold, which turned pretty ugly Sunday through today.

It started with the usual cold, congestion, cough, etc.  Nothing major.

My eyes were having problems when I woke up on Friday and Saturday, because they were crusty with stuff.  Also, my ears have been really been FUBAR.  Everything was muffled and I had lots of pressure.

Saturday before Easter Sunday, I barely had any sleep.

We went out to Ellie's folk's place I started to get a lot of sinus pain, and it managed to get better by the time we ate dinner and finally sat down to chat.

After a bit, I got really drowsy, so I laid down in the spare bedroom to nap.

It wasn't good sleep because things were noisy, which they always are with all the nieces and nephews around.

When I got up a bit later, my eyes were really goopy.

In the bathroom, I cleaned and cleaned my eyes out.

When I was done, I went back to the bedroom put on my glasses.

By the time I got back to the bathroom, only a few feet, my eyes were goopy again.

I showed this to Ellie and she decided it was time to go.

Ellie's sister called out "Everyone! Wash your hands!"

Now, I had been doing that vigilantly since I had this nasty cold going on.

On Monday, I went to the walk-in clinic early in the morning.

The Dr. there said that the eye, cold, ear stuff should clear up soon if I kept things clean, which I had been doing.

Except he did say that the eye stuff was pink-eye and was most likely caused by rubbing my eyes after wiping my nose.

Basically, I gave it to myself by infecting my own eyes.

This Dr. also gave me an Rx for an antibiotic because of my frequent sinus infections.

(wow, does this post just keep going or what!?)

Monday Night, I took the Antibiotic, and "slept" which didn't really work because I got one of those nasty sinus pressure "headaches" that lasted all night, and most of Tuesday "morning".

Actually, after everyone went to school, I waited to take the antibiotic for a bit because I was feeling a bit queasy.

Well, it happened and I emptied my stomach and flushed my breakfast down the drain.

An hour or so later, I finally started to feel better, and I took the antibiotic.

I slept most of the day on Tuesday.  In between, I watched these REALLY cheesy B rated movies I bought on a DVD I bought for $6. (I'm going to toss the disc.  None of the movies were really that great.)

Well, today I'm feeling better, but my ear still feels like shit.  I have stuff dripping down my throat.

I don't hurt, but it still sucks.

I guess where I'm going with this post (finally!) is that I don't know if it's really been a curse that the surgery was canceled.

My only major problem with the cancellation is that I'm not certain when/if it will be scheduled again.

The current time frame I have for the actual surgery might be in August.

This morning Ellie said she's going to push for a bilateral replacement.  Which is replacing both knees at one time.

It'll be a lot of work for me, and possibly hurt like hell, but at least it'll all be over with in one shot.

Then I'll be two joints closer to being a Cyberdyne Terminator. :)

Someone had better be dead, deathly sick, suspended or on their way to prison...

My damn knee surgery has been cancelled!

The mother fucker's office, called me right out of the blue on Friday telling me that the surgery was cancelled and that they weren't scheduling any further things with this doctor.

So WTF!?

I'm glad Little Miss was home from school sick that day.

I don't honestly know what I would've done.

Today, I'm fairly calm compared to the swearing and crying I did on Friday and Saturday.

It was complete shit for me to go through.

All weekend and even last night, I didn't sleep good.

Over the weekend, Ellie's sister suggested that I call and get the records in any form possible, including X-Rays/images, and a letter/statement why the surgery was cancelled.

The records department was very good about getting me the info I needed to fill out to get the records requested.

Then I had to speak to the main desk at the surgeon's office and ask them for an official letter,which they said would be mailed to me soon.

I also told them to get it to the other surgeon's office so that I could avoid having to go through all of these tests again.
Last night, I believe I averaged about 2 hours of sleep before waking up in a great deal of pain, rolling over then eventually falling to sleep again.

I have been thinking about my sleep patterns for the past few months.

It's a freakin' miracle if I sleep completely through the night,1-2 nights a month.

It's freakin' lucky if I sleep 4-6 hours straight 1-4 nights a month.

I'm lucky if I sleep 2-4 hours straight the rest of the time.

Completely fucked, if I sleep 1 hour at a time, or at all.

Thinking about all of this shit...

Needless to say, I'm not sure how I really feel about my last post.

After all, that salad dissertation has been in the back of my mind a lot right now.

I really don't want to be known or think of myself as:

• the who's always in pain...
• the guy who's knees are really messed up...
• the guy who's always swearing and complaining.

Being upset with a foul mouth like mine can really get you into trouble.

Friday night, Ellie, the Misses & I went to a local food place to eat "in".  It's kind of a fast food place, but it makes almost full meals, and you order and bring it home.

I didn't necessarily feel good at first, mostly because it almost always seems that no one can just getup and go out somewhere.

Well at the place we were ordering from, I couldn't really read their freakin' menu and what I ordered was supposed to be "mini" because I wasn't really hungry.

On the way home, Ellie started into her tirade about how my car makes this noise, or that noise and that she didn't think it was safe...

blah
blah
blah

Well, I got pissed when we got home and I left the car telling her that perhaps she should get it fixed and quit complaining about it so much.

Maybe I didn't say it, but I sure as heck thought it.

Well, when we got inside, the kids were trying to distribute the food and I was doing something else.

When I saw the size of the "mini" thing, I got pissed.

I thought Ellie had ordered it and I didn't want anything that big at all!

I tried to cut it in half, then decided I should quarter it.

When I couldn't do it easily I gave up on the thing.

We had been watching the "Heroes" TV series on DVD's recently.

I told them to just start it and that I didn't care.

Ellie started to push me to sit down and watch it, even when I said I didn't care and that they should just watch the shows anyway.

I was tired, but Ellie really cornered me out there in front the Misses and I got mad and told her that I was going to sit here, even though I didn't want to.

Then she went into how I should take a pill...

Well, I got mad and told her that I was OK and to just leave me alone.

So, I sat there and knit a few rows of this nightmare of a project.

Then I got so tired I told her I was going to bed.

I wasn't mad, I wasn't upset...

I was just TIRED.

After all, I haven't slept good in weeks! or more!

Well, I went into the bedroom, laid down.

I woke up on Saturday...

I mean, I woke up only on Saturday morning, and I was still mad about the car.

So we started talking about it.

Now, I had talked to a mechanic several times about it, and it's a noisy power steering pump.

I talked to the mechanics several times.

Ellie just knows that it makes noise and said that the mechanic said it needed to be replaced.

Well, this got to be a "I'm a better expert" or "I know more than you do" conversation... again...

I got mad, and pissed, so I told her if she knew so f-ing much then she should get it fixed.

Well, Ellie flew into a pissed off tirade and said that she should leave.

I told her to go.

I was mad, and she was mad.

I am just mad that she can't just stop and listen sometimes.

Seriously, I know she hears me, but doesn't always listen.

She left, really, really pissed off.

Before she left, I asked her if she was going to wake up the Misses and drive being as pissed off as she was.

She stopped for a second and then left.

I got worried, because she didn't take her phone.

Finally, I looked at the calendar and realized she had a nail appointment around the same time.

Ellie did return home and showed me her nails, but she was still really pissed off.

A bit later, I decided I was going to crawl under the house to spread some insecticide around the kitchen area.

During my crawling endeavour, I hurt my knee several times, banged my head and started to really feel suffocated from all the gear I had on. (Gloves, long sleeved shirt, bandanna around my mouth, etc)

This didn't help anything.

I finally decided after I couldn't really get to where I wanted to get easily, I crawled out.

When I got out, I stepped into the shower full dressed.

I did this because the knee surgery process is highly focused on an almost sterile process before the surgery.  I wanted to minimize the amount of "non-normal" dirt in the house.

The shoes got rinsed/washed out well, the socks, long sleeved coat, pants, shirts, etc...

As I did this I tossed them onto floor.

When I was done, and dried, I went into the bathroom, threw them into a hamper and drug it back to the utility room.

Swearing and using the f-word most of the time whenever things really hurt.

When I finally sat down, it hit me that Ellie had been avoiding me, with the exception of any direct questions.

It was shortly after that, when Ellie and I talked about things.

We discussed how the F-word was, really, really bad... and Ellie is VERY offended that it was used towards her.

We talked about the car, which I reminded her was possibly the 4th or 6th time we had this discussion about the car in the last 4 months.

Part of this discussion went into things that we hadn't been doing, which turned out that we're not communicating about very good (figures right?)...

Ellie said that she had to be able to express her feelings or she would feel controlled.

I told her the same thing and that I, more often than not, don't do and usually feel that she never let me do...

She thought about it and I think she did understand that it did happen.

Finally, we got to how I was being cornered the night before about the damn TV show.

She apologized for it.

Then we discussed the Bipolar Disorder problems.

Bipolar is a terrible thing to deal with.

It's not for sissies on either side of it.

You can't be a sissy and suffer with it...

Nor can you be a sissy and be married or involved with a Bipolar person.

If you've been following this blog, you know that I am abhorred by the actions that have happened in the past and even recently because of the problems being bipolar causes.

Ellie thought I was using being Bipolar as an "excuse" for things, but I told her that I don't hide behind it and I really don't think it was fair.

I accept the actions that I took, although I can say that being Bipolar influences a lot of my actions.

I pointed out those journal entries that I recently added to this blog... How I realized the problem was there and I had to do something.

It was a real big problem trying to figure out how to deal with things...

I never tried to hide and excuse my stupid actions as... "I'm sorry, my bipolar made me do that".

Bipolar does affect things and at least these days, I realize that a problem is happening...

Unfortunately I might not realize it right away....

But I AM trying really, really hard to recognize when a problem is happening and to think, why am I doing this?

Am I really justified in my actions and thoughts?

As part of my journal entries, I told Ellie that the pain from those sinus headaches was also a very large problem and influence on my actions.

These days, I rarely get sinus problems, since I started using or have a cool mist humidifier running almost all the time I'm working.

Or I suppose, I am in an an environment with higher humidity.

My intake of pain killers for the sinus pain is almost 0 these days.

I'm very, very excited for this upcoming knee replacement.

It's part of the final steps towards the elimination of my major source of pain.

In short, because I'm rambling on and the ramble is going to be another entry...

I love Ellie!

It's not that we can't disagree.

It's just that I need to keep my dang mouth in check around everyone more often and keep away from the F-Word..

Which is really hard for me whenever I'm under great duress.

The duress/stress/pain only contributes to the problem...

It does not make me use the word.

I'm sorry my dearest Ellie!

Manual Entry - Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Finally sitting down fro a bit.  Dammit! I need to get the suit coat done.

Yesterday, I was a bit of a mess.  I started OK, but I started to look at what needed to be done and I started to panic.  I had almost everything under control except that I didn't know I had an eye exam at 2:15, which is before the girls get out of school.

The doctor office said I could be late, so we arrived @ 2:40.  Afterwords we went home to have the kids do homework and ate the left over pizza for dinner.

Today was even crazier, at least I didn't freak out and need to take a Xanax, like Monday before the Dr. appt.

After stopping work, drove kids to school for literacy night, then to dance classes then to church activity.

I took the Dark Tower VII with me and read during dance class and practiced banjo during church activity.

Man, I need to practice playing more.  My fingers need the work out.

I haven't taken any Ambien since Sat. night.  I don't like to take sleeping aids when home alone with the girls.

Last night or should I say this morning my hips hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep for an hour or two, around 1:00AM.

I should've taken something for pain but, I didn't and I didn't sleep for a bit because it hurt so bad!

Tonight, I'll take something for pain if I need to, but it often wakes me up and I can't sleep anyway, at least the pain will fade faster.

Manual Entry - Monday, May 7, 2012

Dr. Bxxxx ordered that the Seroquel be stopped.  Gave me some Xanax for the pain/anxiety.

I know that I didn't sleep well that night either.  My legs & head hurt and the Xanax didn't put me to sleep.  I slept for 3-4 hours before getting up and starting work.

We saw Dr. Txxxx on the 3rd.  He really only seemed to think that I was depressed after talking to Ellie.

He didn't think much of the Xanax from Dr. Bxxxx, but it did help calm me down.  I don't use it much though.

Ellie and the girls left Friday afternoon for their trip.

My Uncle and I watched "War Horse" and I stayed up watching a "House M.D." dvd.

Dr. Txxxxput me on Venlafaxine ER, 75mg.  1 for 3 days then 3 every day/morn.

Weekend w/o Ellie & girls was good.  Except that I didn't sleep well Friday night.

Actually, here's what happened Friday:

I got up by 5:30 AM & started work.

I also started process of backing up Ellie's H.D.

I worked till around 9:00AM and felt so tired and didn't really do anything that I went back to bed and slept till 1-3PM.

That night after hours of TV, I couldn't sleep, so I went to work and really got a lot done.

I stopped @ 3:00AM Sat. morn.

Sat. I got up around 8:30AM, cleaned the garage a bit, put up another shelf and organized the tumbler grit.

I also sorted out the tire weights from the local tire company, I got for making bullets.

While doing it I got an idea how to mount my banjo & resonator.

I bought screws for it then felt really tired and took a nap.

When I got up, I started thinking about the banjo and changed my mind again and bought some different screws.

I worked on the banjo till it was done and went to bed around 9:00PM.

Today, Monday, I felt kind of on edge.  Not fight or flight or nervous.

Rather, I felt on the verge of crying off and on all day.

I don't know why.

Maybe this Venlafaxine ER. wasn't working yet.

I got a lot of work done, caught up on my documentation for work, despite this problem.

Maybe I should use the Xanax?

For now, I will practice my banjo and rest.

I feel the need to apologize to almost everyone and to hug people.

Even my coworkers.

I don't know why.

Manual Entry - Monday, April 30, 2012

A lot has happened since the last entry.

My eyes are still kind of messed up, but are getting better it seems.  I stopped Cymbalta and started into a hypo-manic episode that really kicked off the 23rd.

From waking up Monday through Tuesday around 1:30 Tuesday, I did not sleep.

I did work, from 12:00AM-6:30AM.  Afterwords, I laid in bed, watched "Young Guns."  Read some books, did a few crosswords and finally took a benadryl and slept for about 3-4 hours.

Tuesday night it happened again, instead of 12:00AM, I started at 11:00PM.  Worked till 5:00AM or so.

While I was working, I was working hard.  Really hard.  Best that I could describe it is as though I was the character "Neo" from "The Matrix", when he realized he could see the code and the make up of everything around him.  I too got to a point where the code base & framework that was new to me all made sense.

Weds. morn, after work, I took another benadryl and slept till 3:30PM.

I want to step back a bit, and mention that I started to step back into my mood/nasty state.  Ellie and I agreed I needed a change.  Dr. Bxxx upped the Gabapentin to 1 capsule twice a day.  That was on Tuesday, I think.

Weds. night, I took half an Ambien and waited till close to 1:00 AM before I went out.

Thursday, I awoke OK, got a lot of work done.  Noticed that I felt like I was enraged, but I didn't have a cause.  I talked Cliff's ear off to/from our banjo class.  Not normal talking, but high speed communications.

Since the increase of Gabapentin, I've been waking up early morning, taking a piss & then all but collapsing in bed to sleep again.

Friday morning wasn't much different except I awoke around 1:30AM.

While pissing, my knees buckled.  Yes, I was standing and my knees rammed into the sides of the bowl and I collapsed all the way down and laid on my back.

I didn't think that I made much noise, but it got Ellie up.  I don't even remember if I finished peeing or not, or if it just ran all over the floor.

Ellie managed to help me to bed.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  Ellie wanted me to go to the E.R.

I refused, since all I wanted was to sleep.

After a lot of moaning by me and arguing by Ellie, I had her take my B.P.  It was very low. 84/52.

At that point, I consented to let Ellie call 911.

The E.M.T. measured by BP too and it was already a bit higher.

Since we paid for Fire-Med, I consented for them to take me to the E.R.

Before leaving the curb, they installed an I.V. line & did an EKG.

While at the E.R.:

• I slept a bit.
• Swore/cusses/etc
• Managed to stand & pee again.
• With more swearing, because Ellie was too aggressive with the urinal
•  Let them do an EKG, with the more precise machines.

In short, I could've stayed at home and slept really well and not cussed much more.

Once more, I need to interject a missing tidbit here.

Thursday morning, I got a call in response to a message I left with Dr. Bxxxx on Weds.  They suggested & urged me to see a Dr. that day (Thursday).

I saw Dr. Pxxxx, not the one I thought he was, but his brother.

I hashed out what was happening about insomnia, anger/rage, migraines, arthritis, that the brain/head MRI & blood tests were all normal.

SO WTF?

I cussed in front of him, I told him that I was really tired and that my dad was diagnosed as bipolar and I remembered some of his mood swings.

I further explained that I found a woman's bipolar video/youtube Blog and before I really knew it, I watched everyone of her videos and felt connected.

Dr. Pxxxx had been researching on his iPhone and said he agreed with me.  He gave me samples of Seroquel.

Told me to keep taking the Gabapentin and take 2 Seroquel a ngiht.

So I did, and now, you have the full insight of what happened before my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.

The rest... WAIT!  One more item!  I used a few 10mg oxycodone pills Thursday and the last one was around 7:00PM.

The rest of the weekend, I pretty much did nothing else but slept.  I did go to church on Sunday and stood when my name was called, to accept a calling as a Ward missionary.  I didn't stay to be set apart, because I was tired and not feeling well.

I pulled out the banjo and sat practicing outside in the shade of the apple trees on the garden swing.

It was refreshing and the warm sun, combined with the cool breeze felt akin to heaven.

I took the Seroquel meds, fell asleep a bit after.

Monday I awoke earlier than anticipated, 7:30AM.

I started work around 8:00AM, but couldn't get into it until around 1:00PM.

We got a call from the Dr., about the E.R. visit, and Ellie & I will see him Tuesday morn.

Maybe things are finally working out.  I need to tell the Dr. that I haven't had an Allergy shot since, January.

Manual Entry - Thursday, April 12, 2012

Sometime yesterday around noon I felt accelerated.  I did have some caffeine, but I never had this happen EVER!

I was to keep working until 4:00PM, but I stopped at 1:00PM and laid down until I got my daughters from school.

I tried to work again, but felt really jumpy.  Finally, I stopped, got Ellie alone for a bit and told her about my problem.  She told me to just lay down and try to rest, not even try to read.  So I laid there for almost an hour, I think, and I wasn't sure if I slept or not until close to 6:00pm.

The feeling continued all night.  We went to bed around 10:00pm, but I couldn't sleep.

I put on my headlight and read till close to 1:00AM.  During this time, I felt I could best describe this sensation as "Fight or Flight."

So when I awoke, mostly by Ellie turning on the lights & T.V., I still felt this sensation.

I did shower and shave, and only took 1 Cymbalta.  I want to blame it for my problem.  I really don't have a fucking clue why I feel like this.

I cried a bit up in my  office, but I don't know why.

Right now my head hurts and I'll take a Percocet soon.

I feel like crying and hiding somewhere dark and quiet, but I probably won't today.

I NEED HELP!

I need more sleep... but...

I do need more sleep.

BUT!!!
That's a pretty big butt. -Pearl (Finding Nemo)

I feel like I'm going to miss something if I go to sleep before everyone else.

I really should just ignore those feelings and change my mode of thinking.

If I did that, I would probably shower & shave more often.

I would also sleep better.

I really don't know why I'm not sleeping more, except...

Perhaps it's because I want to spend more intimate time with Ellie.

She's been sick recently and perhaps she's also been going through her cycle.

In case you aren't aware, she had a hysterectomy several years ago, but they left the ovaries intact.

This means, that while she doesn't have a "bloody" mess to deal with, she still has the emotional problems to deal with.

When she's not feeling well, she sleeps more and doesn't have any desire for intimacy at all.

These days, I try harder to be available and willing to be intimate with her.

Maybe I shouldn't...

but...

I don't want to get into a state where I don't want to do it at all again.

The last few manual entries from 2012 has shown that I really didn't want to do things at that time.

It appears to me, that it was due to whatever pain I was going through.

The pain affected my moods...

Without proper treatment for Bipolar Disorder at that time, everything was affected.

It really sucked, and I feel that it still really sucks.

So, I suppose I should get ready for bed earlier and try sleeping more.

Perhaps this will reinvigorate my intimacy hormones and I can become the "intimacy machine" I was last month.

Ellie and I really enjoyed that, and I want to get back to doing that again.

Why doesn't she trust/believe me!?

A few weeks ago, I noted where my boss flipped out because I didn't make it to a meeting on time, and also flipped out on ALL the rest of us.

I told Ellie about this, thinking she would agree that he was acting like a whiny baby...

BUT...

She flipped out and started lecturing me about how I am in trouble and I might lose my job, etc.

In actuality, his actions would cost him his job, because how he sent out the emails and tone in the email.

The boss had asked me in the past, if we weren't going to make it on time or miss the meeting that we send him a status update on our current project(s).

He also knows of my disability and if I told him about the pain/missing the meeting/etc, he would understand. ALSO, HR is involved with the disabilities, so EVERYONE who's ANYONE that needs to be involved for this, is involved.

Well, today...

Rather, last night, I was working late, so I sent the boss an email.

I explained that I sent this email out to the Boss, to Ellie last night.

Last night, I didn't fall asleep till close to midnight... then I got up around 2:00 and stayed awake for another hour... after that, I woke up on/off because of PAIN.

This morning, Ellie started harping on me about not getting up for the meeting, and how I was going to be late, etc.

WTF!?

Didn't I tell her the night before that I had taken all the necessary steps the Boss required of me for these meetings!?

She just kept harping on me until I got up and got dressed.

By then, I was already LATE!

When I finally got connected to the conference call meeting, the boss said, "hey, I'm glad you were able to dial in."

He said it friendly, not mean...

He EXPECTED me to be late because of my email!

Ellie has got to get off of my ass!

“The second pain hit. My wife said ... and STOOD UP in the stirrups, grabbed my bottom lip and said, ‘I want morphine! … “

The title is from "Bill Cosby: Himself (1983)"

I love old Bill Cosby material.

Now, I know he's been in lots of trouble over various accusations of molesting/raping women by drugging them.

Do I know if it's true?

Do I believe it's  true?

I honestly don't care, except to say that he will be judged by God when the time comes.

Where am I going with the quote?

Well, my knees hurt like hell right?

Not last night, but the night before (Tuesday), I took two of my long/continuous pain pills instead of just one.

I slept really good and my knees didn't hardly bother me at all.

Last night, I only took the one pill and I slept pretty well.

In fact, I slept on my side most of the night.

I must've found the "position" that my knees needed to be in so that I could sleep without pain.

Now, I will admit...

I haven't been doing the pre/post op exercises for knee surgery the past few days.

When I do the exercises my knees hurt REALLY bad.

Get the idea?

The exercises make the pain worse!

If it wasn't for the need of those exercises, I wouldn't do them.