I'm tired as heck again.
The mania still seems to be going on.
It's not a fun mania this time.
It's been more of the pissed off & irritated state one.
Yesterday, it was a very highly sensory overload day.
Ellie was reacting very, very badly and adversely.
It was almost like she had to react, yell at me and all but sit on me and pummel me.
Now these are my perceptions.
I know that she was reacting how she thought she should be.
Her compassion is almost gone, it seems.
Let me get another insight here.
She works with autistic children.
About half of these kids run into sensory overload and start bouncing off the walls, screams, etc.
I'm trying hard to hold things in, but it's very hard like it was yesterday.
All I wanted to do was be left alone, if you will.
But Ellie wasn't going to leave me be.
It seemed that everything that I tried to do to minimize things just pissed her off.
Nothing that I was doing was personal towards anyone.
I was just trying to minimize things.
How do you like it when you're sensitive to the light and sound? Even to touch?
It sucks.
Monday, May 23, 2016
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Open up and say ahh.
Well...
I am actually sad...
but...
I'm glad...
Recently, I've been having more mental health crisis problems than I have in a long time.
Ellie's also been riding my ass about taking days off from work.
I feel that I am taking advantage of my employer by "working" and not doing anything.
Doing that, hasn't been helping me because I don't want to do my job because all I do is sit there at that computer and don't do anything.
So...
Open Up and Say Ahh...
Today, Ellie and I continued a "discussion" we were having last night.
I stopped "working" and laid on the bed crying because I didn't know what was wrong with me.
Come on, any of you with depression or bipolar understand that when you're not feeling very good, you often don't know what wrong.
Anyhow, we finally decided together, because it was so late, that I should go downtown to the mental health care center/hospital.
It was really fucked up.
When they admitted me so that I could talk with them, I was lead into their locked environment, and asked to change into the "safe" paper hospital clothes.
Now, I told them I wasn't suicidal, etc. Even though, I was kind of tempted a little bit, but I wasn't going to do anything.
So, I had to get into their scrubs...
They were monitoring me, and when they had all of my clothes, but my undershorts and socks, I said out loud, why didn't you take my socks too?
A short time later, one of the nurses came over and swapped out my socks.. well, duh!?
Their fucking camera/monitoring system works, right?
Oh well.
While I was in their room, I could hear some kid out there singing the alphabet song, then the Elmo song, etc...
That was sucky.
Then I also was getting pissed because they took my clothes, and I began to look around and see what was setup.
They were pretty thorough.
The benches I was on, were bolted down to the floor. The lights in the ceiling were screwed shut, as was the light fixture.
What they didn't account for was that their "safe" clothes...
even though they were "paper", they were sewn up with thread. They were strong enough, I could've rolled them up and hung myself. Along with the thread, I could've used it for cutting my wrists, etc.
Oh well...
I'm sure I just kicked myself in the crotch for admitting it here.
Well, if I didn't write things how I see them, then how else will anyone see it too?
I was released after discussing how messed up my sleep patterns have been and that Ellie's been riding my ass so much.
What I'm supposed to do now is to start Zyprexa and try increasing it to 10 mg from the 2.5 I have now.
Well...
I took all of my meds, including the 2.5mg of Zyprexa...
Now I'm getting tired, and perhaps this will really help me out.
I needed the help.
I'd rather not go back ever again...
I am actually sad...
but...
I'm glad...
Recently, I've been having more mental health crisis problems than I have in a long time.
Ellie's also been riding my ass about taking days off from work.
I feel that I am taking advantage of my employer by "working" and not doing anything.
Doing that, hasn't been helping me because I don't want to do my job because all I do is sit there at that computer and don't do anything.
So...
Open Up and Say Ahh...
Today, Ellie and I continued a "discussion" we were having last night.
I stopped "working" and laid on the bed crying because I didn't know what was wrong with me.
Come on, any of you with depression or bipolar understand that when you're not feeling very good, you often don't know what wrong.
Anyhow, we finally decided together, because it was so late, that I should go downtown to the mental health care center/hospital.
It was really fucked up.
When they admitted me so that I could talk with them, I was lead into their locked environment, and asked to change into the "safe" paper hospital clothes.
Now, I told them I wasn't suicidal, etc. Even though, I was kind of tempted a little bit, but I wasn't going to do anything.
So, I had to get into their scrubs...
They were monitoring me, and when they had all of my clothes, but my undershorts and socks, I said out loud, why didn't you take my socks too?
A short time later, one of the nurses came over and swapped out my socks.. well, duh!?
Their fucking camera/monitoring system works, right?
Oh well.
While I was in their room, I could hear some kid out there singing the alphabet song, then the Elmo song, etc...
That was sucky.
Then I also was getting pissed because they took my clothes, and I began to look around and see what was setup.
They were pretty thorough.
The benches I was on, were bolted down to the floor. The lights in the ceiling were screwed shut, as was the light fixture.
What they didn't account for was that their "safe" clothes...
even though they were "paper", they were sewn up with thread. They were strong enough, I could've rolled them up and hung myself. Along with the thread, I could've used it for cutting my wrists, etc.
Oh well...
I'm sure I just kicked myself in the crotch for admitting it here.
Well, if I didn't write things how I see them, then how else will anyone see it too?
I was released after discussing how messed up my sleep patterns have been and that Ellie's been riding my ass so much.
What I'm supposed to do now is to start Zyprexa and try increasing it to 10 mg from the 2.5 I have now.
Well...
I took all of my meds, including the 2.5mg of Zyprexa...
Now I'm getting tired, and perhaps this will really help me out.
I needed the help.
I'd rather not go back ever again...
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
I think it's going to happen sooner than I expect.
More and more recently, it's been feeling like it's going to happen.
What's going to happen you say?
My desire to keep working for my employer is waning really bad.
Yesterday I was working "OK", I guess.
But, I really haven't been working full speed for almost a year now.
What I mean by full speed is that... well..
Hell, it's hard to say.
Maybe I can compare it to driving a car.
For me, full speed is over 100 MPH.
While half is closer to 60 MPH.
The past year, I've been averaging about 5-20 MPH.
It really sucks.
I don't know what to do, or where to go.
It think I'm going to start applying for SSI, Disability soon, then to wind up retiring while I continue to write and attempt to publish my books, stories and poetry.
I'm afraid, and I don't know where to turn.
I'm afraid it's too late to stop things...
What's going to happen you say?
My desire to keep working for my employer is waning really bad.
Yesterday I was working "OK", I guess.
But, I really haven't been working full speed for almost a year now.
What I mean by full speed is that... well..
Hell, it's hard to say.
Maybe I can compare it to driving a car.
For me, full speed is over 100 MPH.
While half is closer to 60 MPH.
The past year, I've been averaging about 5-20 MPH.
It really sucks.
I don't know what to do, or where to go.
It think I'm going to start applying for SSI, Disability soon, then to wind up retiring while I continue to write and attempt to publish my books, stories and poetry.
I'm afraid, and I don't know where to turn.
I'm afraid it's too late to stop things...
Monday, May 2, 2016
Hurry up and wait... again.
I saw another orthopedic surgeon yesterday.
Rather, he was the replacement for the guy who was supposed to replace my knee.
Instead of just scheduling the fucking surgery, he wanted an MRI.
Before we actually saw him, they took another X-Ray of the left knee.
They can see the really bad arthritis in the right knee, but they can't see the severity of the arthritis in the left knee.
Despite how bad the fucker hurts, he just won't go in the and the fucking work.
He also took some time to "tell me off" about the amount of pain medication that I've been taking.
Well, FUCK HIM.
It's not like I want to keep taking this medication.
He said he was concerned because the pain after the surgery was going to be really bad.
I flat told him, I'd put up with the fucking pain after it was done, because that pain would go away!
He didn't seem to understand how much I would put up just to get the fucking knee fixed so that I could stop taking the damn opiods.
Well, after the fucking appointment, I was feeling pretty damn low last night.
My alarm went off around 6:30, to remind me about the HAM radio net.
It was my turn to run the radio net last night.
While running the net, I managed to forget my troubles. I even stuck around for about 30 minutes chatting with a friend.
After I was done, I sat down watching House with Ellie and I started to nap off/on.
Ellie suggested that I sleep in the recliner because I was falling to sleep easily in it.
Well, I did sleep OK, and right now, my knee doesn't hurt too badly.
Tonight, after the Misses get out of school, I'm supposed to drive them to the skating ring for an activity with their girls club.
I have been thinking about taking the wheel chair with me instead of hobbling all over the fucking place at the ring.
Rather, he was the replacement for the guy who was supposed to replace my knee.
Instead of just scheduling the fucking surgery, he wanted an MRI.
Before we actually saw him, they took another X-Ray of the left knee.
They can see the really bad arthritis in the right knee, but they can't see the severity of the arthritis in the left knee.
Despite how bad the fucker hurts, he just won't go in the and the fucking work.
He also took some time to "tell me off" about the amount of pain medication that I've been taking.
Well, FUCK HIM.
It's not like I want to keep taking this medication.
He said he was concerned because the pain after the surgery was going to be really bad.
I flat told him, I'd put up with the fucking pain after it was done, because that pain would go away!
He didn't seem to understand how much I would put up just to get the fucking knee fixed so that I could stop taking the damn opiods.
Well, after the fucking appointment, I was feeling pretty damn low last night.
My alarm went off around 6:30, to remind me about the HAM radio net.
It was my turn to run the radio net last night.
While running the net, I managed to forget my troubles. I even stuck around for about 30 minutes chatting with a friend.
After I was done, I sat down watching House with Ellie and I started to nap off/on.
Ellie suggested that I sleep in the recliner because I was falling to sleep easily in it.
Well, I did sleep OK, and right now, my knee doesn't hurt too badly.
Tonight, after the Misses get out of school, I'm supposed to drive them to the skating ring for an activity with their girls club.
I have been thinking about taking the wheel chair with me instead of hobbling all over the fucking place at the ring.