I'm tired as heck again.
The mania still seems to be going on.
It's not a fun mania this time.
It's been more of the pissed off & irritated state one.
Yesterday, it was a very highly sensory overload day.
Ellie was reacting very, very badly and adversely.
It was almost like she had to react, yell at me and all but sit on me and pummel me.
Now these are my perceptions.
I know that she was reacting how she thought she should be.
Her compassion is almost gone, it seems.
Let me get another insight here.
She works with autistic children.
About half of these kids run into sensory overload and start bouncing off the walls, screams, etc.
I'm trying hard to hold things in, but it's very hard like it was yesterday.
All I wanted to do was be left alone, if you will.
But Ellie wasn't going to leave me be.
It seemed that everything that I tried to do to minimize things just pissed her off.
Nothing that I was doing was personal towards anyone.
I was just trying to minimize things.
How do you like it when you're sensitive to the light and sound? Even to touch?
It sucks.
Showing posts with label Triggers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Triggers. Show all posts
Monday, May 23, 2016
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Open up and say ahh.
Well...
I am actually sad...
but...
I'm glad...
Recently, I've been having more mental health crisis problems than I have in a long time.
Ellie's also been riding my ass about taking days off from work.
I feel that I am taking advantage of my employer by "working" and not doing anything.
Doing that, hasn't been helping me because I don't want to do my job because all I do is sit there at that computer and don't do anything.
So...
Open Up and Say Ahh...
Today, Ellie and I continued a "discussion" we were having last night.
I stopped "working" and laid on the bed crying because I didn't know what was wrong with me.
Come on, any of you with depression or bipolar understand that when you're not feeling very good, you often don't know what wrong.
Anyhow, we finally decided together, because it was so late, that I should go downtown to the mental health care center/hospital.
It was really fucked up.
When they admitted me so that I could talk with them, I was lead into their locked environment, and asked to change into the "safe" paper hospital clothes.
Now, I told them I wasn't suicidal, etc. Even though, I was kind of tempted a little bit, but I wasn't going to do anything.
So, I had to get into their scrubs...
They were monitoring me, and when they had all of my clothes, but my undershorts and socks, I said out loud, why didn't you take my socks too?
A short time later, one of the nurses came over and swapped out my socks.. well, duh!?
Their fucking camera/monitoring system works, right?
Oh well.
While I was in their room, I could hear some kid out there singing the alphabet song, then the Elmo song, etc...
That was sucky.
Then I also was getting pissed because they took my clothes, and I began to look around and see what was setup.
They were pretty thorough.
The benches I was on, were bolted down to the floor. The lights in the ceiling were screwed shut, as was the light fixture.
What they didn't account for was that their "safe" clothes...
even though they were "paper", they were sewn up with thread. They were strong enough, I could've rolled them up and hung myself. Along with the thread, I could've used it for cutting my wrists, etc.
Oh well...
I'm sure I just kicked myself in the crotch for admitting it here.
Well, if I didn't write things how I see them, then how else will anyone see it too?
I was released after discussing how messed up my sleep patterns have been and that Ellie's been riding my ass so much.
What I'm supposed to do now is to start Zyprexa and try increasing it to 10 mg from the 2.5 I have now.
Well...
I took all of my meds, including the 2.5mg of Zyprexa...
Now I'm getting tired, and perhaps this will really help me out.
I needed the help.
I'd rather not go back ever again...
I am actually sad...
but...
I'm glad...
Recently, I've been having more mental health crisis problems than I have in a long time.
Ellie's also been riding my ass about taking days off from work.
I feel that I am taking advantage of my employer by "working" and not doing anything.
Doing that, hasn't been helping me because I don't want to do my job because all I do is sit there at that computer and don't do anything.
So...
Open Up and Say Ahh...
Today, Ellie and I continued a "discussion" we were having last night.
I stopped "working" and laid on the bed crying because I didn't know what was wrong with me.
Come on, any of you with depression or bipolar understand that when you're not feeling very good, you often don't know what wrong.
Anyhow, we finally decided together, because it was so late, that I should go downtown to the mental health care center/hospital.
It was really fucked up.
When they admitted me so that I could talk with them, I was lead into their locked environment, and asked to change into the "safe" paper hospital clothes.
Now, I told them I wasn't suicidal, etc. Even though, I was kind of tempted a little bit, but I wasn't going to do anything.
So, I had to get into their scrubs...
They were monitoring me, and when they had all of my clothes, but my undershorts and socks, I said out loud, why didn't you take my socks too?
A short time later, one of the nurses came over and swapped out my socks.. well, duh!?
Their fucking camera/monitoring system works, right?
Oh well.
While I was in their room, I could hear some kid out there singing the alphabet song, then the Elmo song, etc...
That was sucky.
Then I also was getting pissed because they took my clothes, and I began to look around and see what was setup.
They were pretty thorough.
The benches I was on, were bolted down to the floor. The lights in the ceiling were screwed shut, as was the light fixture.
What they didn't account for was that their "safe" clothes...
even though they were "paper", they were sewn up with thread. They were strong enough, I could've rolled them up and hung myself. Along with the thread, I could've used it for cutting my wrists, etc.
Oh well...
I'm sure I just kicked myself in the crotch for admitting it here.
Well, if I didn't write things how I see them, then how else will anyone see it too?
I was released after discussing how messed up my sleep patterns have been and that Ellie's been riding my ass so much.
What I'm supposed to do now is to start Zyprexa and try increasing it to 10 mg from the 2.5 I have now.
Well...
I took all of my meds, including the 2.5mg of Zyprexa...
Now I'm getting tired, and perhaps this will really help me out.
I needed the help.
I'd rather not go back ever again...
Friday, April 22, 2016
It's been a while.
I went through a tough week or two emotionally.
I wound up in a manic state, but a really nasty type of manic state.
It's one of those fight or flight phases, but I mostly wanted to fight.
The mood problems are fueled by people at work, but mostly trying to control the anger I have regarding my knees.
Right now, I can probably get back into that state if I start to think about it again.
Just thinking that the knee replacement is going to be delayed again makes me want to punch a hole through the wall.
Last night Ellie started to bring up the meeting with the new surgeon, and I had to ask her to stop.
I don't need to start getting pissed all over again about it.
Well...
I didn't sleep good last night.... Again...
It wasn't the anger/mania...
Yes, it was knee pain... again... :(
It was in the middle of the left knee on the inside. (Medial, I think?)
Then the large cat of mine decided she had to get up on it and knead it, which made it hurt worse.
Rolling over to re-position it made my right hip hurt.
Even when I got up they both hurt.
Just seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. (Very cliche, right?)
Well...
I dunno.
Shit just happens, I guess. (Another cliche)
I guess to quote Stephen King's, "Dreamcatcher"..
I wound up in a manic state, but a really nasty type of manic state.
It's one of those fight or flight phases, but I mostly wanted to fight.
The mood problems are fueled by people at work, but mostly trying to control the anger I have regarding my knees.
Right now, I can probably get back into that state if I start to think about it again.
Just thinking that the knee replacement is going to be delayed again makes me want to punch a hole through the wall.
Last night Ellie started to bring up the meeting with the new surgeon, and I had to ask her to stop.
I don't need to start getting pissed all over again about it.
Well...
I didn't sleep good last night.... Again...
It wasn't the anger/mania...
Yes, it was knee pain... again... :(
It was in the middle of the left knee on the inside. (Medial, I think?)
Then the large cat of mine decided she had to get up on it and knead it, which made it hurt worse.
Rolling over to re-position it made my right hip hurt.
Even when I got up they both hurt.
Just seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. (Very cliche, right?)
Well...
I dunno.
Shit just happens, I guess. (Another cliche)
I guess to quote Stephen King's, "Dreamcatcher"..
Fuck me Freddy.
Monday, March 21, 2016
I'll have to settle for a snowball because the consistency of shit varies too much.
At the time where my surgery was canceled, I was communicating with the short term disability company and HR.
When it was cancelled, I told them to cancel things and that I'd deal with the pain until the doctors could fix it.
Well, the HR chick got a bug up her ass about the "pain", and in her effort to "help" me, she actually made things worse.
On Friday, she asked that I call.
During the call, she started into how I should fill out this form, and that form, etc.
Then she started asking for more information that I really shouldn't have given her.
It really, really felt like a fucking ambush.
Today, I really, really regret talking to her.
I told her this in an email today.
She replied and asked if she should transfer this to another person.
DO YOU THINK?
Shit.
Then I sent her a reply that the email started out cancelling the Short Term Disability, and turned into a huge mess.
My anxiety already pretty high and my emotions are really fucked up.
Hell, a few hours ago, I left a message with my shrink about the possible need to start on antidepressants again.
I asked for Zoloft, because I know that doesn't fuck me up too much.
It's been over an hour since I sent the reply and she hasn't replied yet.
I think I'm just going to ignore her for a while and see what happens.
Perhaps this chick will just drop it.
Because I really don't know how much longer I can endure this stress.
When it was cancelled, I told them to cancel things and that I'd deal with the pain until the doctors could fix it.
Well, the HR chick got a bug up her ass about the "pain", and in her effort to "help" me, she actually made things worse.
On Friday, she asked that I call.
During the call, she started into how I should fill out this form, and that form, etc.
Then she started asking for more information that I really shouldn't have given her.
It really, really felt like a fucking ambush.
Today, I really, really regret talking to her.
I told her this in an email today.
She replied and asked if she should transfer this to another person.
DO YOU THINK?
Shit.
Then I sent her a reply that the email started out cancelling the Short Term Disability, and turned into a huge mess.
My anxiety already pretty high and my emotions are really fucked up.
Hell, a few hours ago, I left a message with my shrink about the possible need to start on antidepressants again.
I asked for Zoloft, because I know that doesn't fuck me up too much.
It's been over an hour since I sent the reply and she hasn't replied yet.
I think I'm just going to ignore her for a while and see what happens.
Perhaps this chick will just drop it.
Because I really don't know how much longer I can endure this stress.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Manual Entry - Sat. March 17, 2012
Things started off good today. I awoke early as I had fallen asleep, early the night before.
When I had fallen asleep, it was as my family and I were watching a movie. I knew I was tired so I brought a pillow to the recliner and drifted off part way through the film.
Sometime later, I was awoken from a deep sleep by my youngest. I don't know why, but I was irritated for not being left alone to sleep. So I yelled about being woken up, then I said I was going to bed. This upset the girls and they cried, so I was told on Sat.
Ellie was getting ready to leave for part of the day and I was going to do the laundry, you know... be helpful instead of not feeling good and doing nothing.
I need to pause here for a sec, and also note I was rationing my pain meds as I barely had enough till Tuesday, when I could pick up more.
When I was bringing a basket of clean clothes in to be folded, I set it down and started to trip on Bethany's shoes. I got mad and tried to kick them out of the way and almost fell, knocking a glass candlestick to the floor, breaking it.
Without recalling all the words I said, because I don't know if I could, I yelled at the kids because I almost fell. I got the broom & dust pan and started cleaning things up.
My daughters didn't even move to help with the glass or to get the shoes. So I yelled some more and finally went to the utility room or garage.
Ellie came out and was mad at me. She thought I was being an ass, and I might've been. But she failed to see where the girls were at fault and got mad when I blamed her.
I blamed Ellie for not stepping in sooner, for not backing me up as I was afraid to fall again, as I broke my shoulder several years earlier from a fall.
I cannot remember all that she and I said, just that I sat down and lost it. I cried. I really cried hard too. I felt as though the world dropped onto me as though I was Atlas.
I cried because I was tired of feeling terrible, tired of the pain, tired of the lack of interest of all the things I like to do.
Ellie consoled me, and we agreed that something had to change, we just didn't know what, yet.
I stayed, sitting there in the shop/garage until I felt gathered again.
When I came in, I didn't let the girls see my face until I had washed and used some eye drops to reduce the red.
After, I took a pain pill and watched Darby O'Gill with them and then took them to a birthday party.
At the party, I was withdrawn unless approached by someone. I listened to music from an MP3 player and read "The Gunslinger" by Stephen King.
Why that book? I wanted to escape reality and I loved the rustic romance it provided as the Gunslinger was the last of a generation, just as I felt.
Someone in the world that was left behind... all of my friends and family are gone for the most part and I had little attachment to anyone, except for Ellie and the Misses.
My head began to hurt at the party, really bad, so I took another pill, the max I could take for awhile.
The girls were eventually done and we left the party & the hippy-like commune and the family with the birthday boy behind.
The misses and I started "The Secret of Roan Inish" when we returned. All part of our St. Patrick's tribute. We ate corned beef, cabbage, celery and onions to top the day off.
Dinner was good and I over ate by having another full plate.
My head still hurt when I went to sleep.
When I had fallen asleep, it was as my family and I were watching a movie. I knew I was tired so I brought a pillow to the recliner and drifted off part way through the film.
Sometime later, I was awoken from a deep sleep by my youngest. I don't know why, but I was irritated for not being left alone to sleep. So I yelled about being woken up, then I said I was going to bed. This upset the girls and they cried, so I was told on Sat.
Ellie was getting ready to leave for part of the day and I was going to do the laundry, you know... be helpful instead of not feeling good and doing nothing.
I need to pause here for a sec, and also note I was rationing my pain meds as I barely had enough till Tuesday, when I could pick up more.
When I was bringing a basket of clean clothes in to be folded, I set it down and started to trip on Bethany's shoes. I got mad and tried to kick them out of the way and almost fell, knocking a glass candlestick to the floor, breaking it.
Without recalling all the words I said, because I don't know if I could, I yelled at the kids because I almost fell. I got the broom & dust pan and started cleaning things up.
My daughters didn't even move to help with the glass or to get the shoes. So I yelled some more and finally went to the utility room or garage.
Ellie came out and was mad at me. She thought I was being an ass, and I might've been. But she failed to see where the girls were at fault and got mad when I blamed her.
I blamed Ellie for not stepping in sooner, for not backing me up as I was afraid to fall again, as I broke my shoulder several years earlier from a fall.
I cannot remember all that she and I said, just that I sat down and lost it. I cried. I really cried hard too. I felt as though the world dropped onto me as though I was Atlas.
I cried because I was tired of feeling terrible, tired of the pain, tired of the lack of interest of all the things I like to do.
Ellie consoled me, and we agreed that something had to change, we just didn't know what, yet.
I stayed, sitting there in the shop/garage until I felt gathered again.
When I came in, I didn't let the girls see my face until I had washed and used some eye drops to reduce the red.
After, I took a pain pill and watched Darby O'Gill with them and then took them to a birthday party.
At the party, I was withdrawn unless approached by someone. I listened to music from an MP3 player and read "The Gunslinger" by Stephen King.
Why that book? I wanted to escape reality and I loved the rustic romance it provided as the Gunslinger was the last of a generation, just as I felt.
Someone in the world that was left behind... all of my friends and family are gone for the most part and I had little attachment to anyone, except for Ellie and the Misses.
My head began to hurt at the party, really bad, so I took another pill, the max I could take for awhile.
The girls were eventually done and we left the party & the hippy-like commune and the family with the birthday boy behind.
The misses and I started "The Secret of Roan Inish" when we returned. All part of our St. Patrick's tribute. We ate corned beef, cabbage, celery and onions to top the day off.
Dinner was good and I over ate by having another full plate.
My head still hurt when I went to sleep.
Monday, February 8, 2016
I got fished slapped yesterday, by a bout of depression.
Yesterday, I got up and found that Ellie had gotten up a few minutes before I did.
She was already using the front bathroom, so I went to the one in the back of the house.
I returned to bed before she did, and I expected her to return to bed shortly after.
Instead, she was decided to make omelets for the family instead.
This wasn't entirely bad until she screamed/yelled like some sort of banshee.
Yesterday I changed the water filter in the refrigerator on Saturday afternoon.
Turns out the damn thing started slowly leaking, for the first time ever after I changed it.
This distressed me because she cannot communicate worth shit when stuff goes down!
She's usually too busy freaking out and panicking to communicate.
I got up, and finally had to look myself what the problem was.
Turned out that the egg cartons were soaked, and the crisper drawers had a good amount of water built up in them.
After we got it all sorted out, I told her I was waiting for her to come back to bed for a little bit.
She told me she didn't want to do "anything"...
Now, I told her it would've been better if she'd have just told me and possibly snuggled with me for a few minutes instead.
When I woke up, I felt like I needed some emotional support from Ellie.
This whole process really set my mood back pretty badly.
I started to tear up and cry a bit.
Ellie originally thought it was because she didn't want to have relations.
I just needed her with me for a bit.
My leg also hurt like hell, and I really have problems with depression right now.
Things started getting really bad for me.
Finally, I took some Xanax to help me calm down.
Ellie offered to serve me up some of the omelet/eggs she was cooking up and I refused.
I think it was 15-20 minutes later that I started to feel calmed down, so I got up.
The eggs and meat she cooked up were just going into the fridge, so I ate them.
When the kids asked why I wasn't out originally when it was being cooked, I told them that I was really sad because of the pain in my knee.
Little Miss leaned over and gave me a big hug.
Big Miss didn't hear or was too preoccupied with things already.
Later on, I hopped into the shower, almost got froze out during the last half of my shower, but managed to survive.
If it wasn't for the recognition of Little Miss turning 12, I would've stayed home from church.
Instead, I waited till after the Sacrament and limped to the car and came home.
I didn't expect to sleep, so I watched Grosse Point Blank and worked on knitting my socks.
Over the last two weeks, I've been using up my pain medication more than I expected.
In fact, I've almost doubled it.
My use is not more than my dosage/prescribed use.
It's just that I'm using the maximum allotment of those pills through the day.
Unfortunately, I've typically been using the maximum by lunch now.
Today hasn't been too bad, but it still hurts.
I haven't taken any of my day-time / breakthrough pills yet.
Hopefully, I won't need to take any today.
She was already using the front bathroom, so I went to the one in the back of the house.
I returned to bed before she did, and I expected her to return to bed shortly after.
Instead, she was decided to make omelets for the family instead.
This wasn't entirely bad until she screamed/yelled like some sort of banshee.
Yesterday I changed the water filter in the refrigerator on Saturday afternoon.
Turns out the damn thing started slowly leaking, for the first time ever after I changed it.
This distressed me because she cannot communicate worth shit when stuff goes down!
She's usually too busy freaking out and panicking to communicate.
I got up, and finally had to look myself what the problem was.
Turned out that the egg cartons were soaked, and the crisper drawers had a good amount of water built up in them.
After we got it all sorted out, I told her I was waiting for her to come back to bed for a little bit.
She told me she didn't want to do "anything"...
Now, I told her it would've been better if she'd have just told me and possibly snuggled with me for a few minutes instead.
When I woke up, I felt like I needed some emotional support from Ellie.
This whole process really set my mood back pretty badly.
I started to tear up and cry a bit.
Ellie originally thought it was because she didn't want to have relations.
I just needed her with me for a bit.
My leg also hurt like hell, and I really have problems with depression right now.
Things started getting really bad for me.
Finally, I took some Xanax to help me calm down.
Ellie offered to serve me up some of the omelet/eggs she was cooking up and I refused.
I think it was 15-20 minutes later that I started to feel calmed down, so I got up.
The eggs and meat she cooked up were just going into the fridge, so I ate them.
When the kids asked why I wasn't out originally when it was being cooked, I told them that I was really sad because of the pain in my knee.
Little Miss leaned over and gave me a big hug.
Big Miss didn't hear or was too preoccupied with things already.
Later on, I hopped into the shower, almost got froze out during the last half of my shower, but managed to survive.
If it wasn't for the recognition of Little Miss turning 12, I would've stayed home from church.
Instead, I waited till after the Sacrament and limped to the car and came home.
I didn't expect to sleep, so I watched Grosse Point Blank and worked on knitting my socks.
Over the last two weeks, I've been using up my pain medication more than I expected.
In fact, I've almost doubled it.
My use is not more than my dosage/prescribed use.
It's just that I'm using the maximum allotment of those pills through the day.
Unfortunately, I've typically been using the maximum by lunch now.
Today hasn't been too bad, but it still hurts.
I haven't taken any of my day-time / breakthrough pills yet.
Hopefully, I won't need to take any today.
Friday, June 12, 2015
goo-goo F#$%!@! gah-gah...
Fucking Ellie!
I really do love this woman, so don't think that I'm posting this to say that I hate her.
It's just that I hate the way she's been treating me recently.
More and more often, she's talked to me like I'm a fucking idiot!
Several days ago, we were at our niece and nephew's Jr. High School graduation.
There, she decided that she needed to find some phone numbers and she asked me to help find them with my phone.
Now, I'm NOT A FUCKING IDIOT!
She knows this, but...
I was using a web page to search for this person's phone number, and nothing was originally returned.
Thinking that I may have misspelled the name with a standard name, I tried a non-standard spelling.
Without even thinking or watching what I was doing, she just looked down when I was retrying the search again and told me "that's how you spell it"...
I almost threw my fucking phone, because I know what I'm fucking doing!
So, I looked at the web page search criteria and went back to the normal spelling again, and adjusted the city and state.
She couldn't find her way through the internet if a computer was fucking implanted in her brain!
This morning, I'm working!
However, she asked me to have the kids hang laundry on the line today.
Then she proceeds to tell me to not talk rough to the kids in front of their friend spending the night.
It's not "talk rough" as the exact term.
So now, I'm fucking pissed off, when I wasn't.
I understood what she was saying about the laundry.
She didn't need to add the shit about how to talk to the kids with their friend who spent the night.
I know that I don't want my kids to be embarrassed by things I might say to them when their friends are here.
Or have their friends feel awkward about what I say or do that might not be "cool" to see.
Shit's really awkward for the kids and their friends.
Ellie and I want our home to be a safe haven for the kids we know.
Too many kids these days have family problems, and if they feel safe here, then they can seek out refuge here without worrying about harm.
I really do love this woman, so don't think that I'm posting this to say that I hate her.
It's just that I hate the way she's been treating me recently.
More and more often, she's talked to me like I'm a fucking idiot!
Several days ago, we were at our niece and nephew's Jr. High School graduation.
There, she decided that she needed to find some phone numbers and she asked me to help find them with my phone.
Now, I'm NOT A FUCKING IDIOT!
She knows this, but...
I was using a web page to search for this person's phone number, and nothing was originally returned.
Thinking that I may have misspelled the name with a standard name, I tried a non-standard spelling.
Without even thinking or watching what I was doing, she just looked down when I was retrying the search again and told me "that's how you spell it"...
WTF!?
You don't think I don't know that!?
I almost threw my fucking phone, because I know what I'm fucking doing!
So, I looked at the web page search criteria and went back to the normal spelling again, and adjusted the city and state.
Voila!I was just a complete fucking idiot who couldn't spell things right.
The FUCKING phone number came up!
She couldn't find her way through the internet if a computer was fucking implanted in her brain!
This morning, I'm working!
HOLY SHIT!Before she leaves, she's talking to me about laundry, which is OK.
Imagine that!
I work!
However, she asked me to have the kids hang laundry on the line today.
Then she proceeds to tell me to not talk rough to the kids in front of their friend spending the night.
It's not "talk rough" as the exact term.
DammitI know I swear here a lot, and I'm sure that if a "sane/normal" fucking person has been reading my blog, they'd go...
She thought I didn't have fucking self control!
"Well, you do seem unstable.""Well, you seem to shout & swear more than "normal" people do."Fuck everyone.
So now, I'm fucking pissed off, when I wasn't.
I understood what she was saying about the laundry.
She didn't need to add the shit about how to talk to the kids with their friend who spent the night.
I know that I don't want my kids to be embarrassed by things I might say to them when their friends are here.
Or have their friends feel awkward about what I say or do that might not be "cool" to see.
I had a friend back in 4th grade that I was really good friends with. I was supposed to spend the night at his house one night. While there, something happened that I didn't hear. (Fucking wonder, I'm hard of hearing) His mom came in and asked what he said, and I said I didn't hear anything... so she started wailing on my friend right there in front of me. After several seconds of that, I up and ran home. I couldn't fucking stand there and watch that.I don't want that type of stuff to happen when my kids' friends are here.
Shit's really awkward for the kids and their friends.
Ellie and I want our home to be a safe haven for the kids we know.
Too many kids these days have family problems, and if they feel safe here, then they can seek out refuge here without worrying about harm.
Dammit Ellie!
I was having a good morning!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Am I "Beck-Sliding?"
Last week I upgraded my HAM radio license to Extra.
Since then, I've been trying to fill the void created by the sudden stop of my license study.
I mean, I was studying and prepping for the exam practically every waking minute of the day.
This I did, in between dev builds, QA time, waiting for meetings, after work, in the bathroom, after dinner, watching movies, before falling asleep and often right after waking up.
I would have to classify this, after reading it, as obsessed.
For those of you who play an instrument, sport, other repetitive type of activity, you develop muscle memory. Muscle memory is where you don't even think about doing it, it just happens. Martial artists & fighters in general learn different movies and repeat things over and over. This way it becomes easy to recall and you don't realize it's happening.
This is what I wanted to do for my Extra class exam. I did the same thing last year for the General class exam.
The huge/major different for Extra class license, is the level of knowledge and math skills required.
Now, one thing to understand about me, I am a championship test taker.
In the 80's California started statewide testing for schools. During this time, we used to spend a few weeks studying and practicing these types of tests.
I got good at scanning questions, reviewing answers and making the right choice 99.9% of the time.
Much of the right choice was because of what I knew, and much of it is that I am a calculated risk taker... generally. Not that I could become a professional gambler, but I know when I can bet well, and other times when I should just stop and walk away. The rest of that time, I don't always listen to either voice, and wind up losing.
My test taking skills were so good that from Elementary School to Jr. High School, I went from generalized classes to advanced classes. (For the modern times, Jr. High School for most of us through the early 90's was still 7th-9th grade.)
In 7th grade, my first year in Jr. HS, I was put into Pre-Algebra. I liked it, but was a terrible student. While I could do the complex math with a calculator, I couldn't do basic math without one. The freaking teacher would allow us to use our calculators for homework, but not allow us to use them on the tests. While a novel idea, it sucked. I struggled with completing the tests in time, but understood how to do the work!
My other classes outside of mathematics really stank, except for PE... but unless you're a complete moron, PE isn't a hard class. The only exception here was the next year and the one after, when I got introduced to wood shop. I love working with wood.
The second year (8th), I felt that I was dumped into an elective class that was only available because the others were full... typing... what a total suck ass class! HOWEVER, without this skill, I would've had a hard time getting office type jobs, like data entry.
My hands have primarily been on a keyboard, touch typing for the last 20 years! So, while I can't hand write worth a damn, I can out type 80-90% of the people I come into contact with.
Going back to testing, I suppose the crowing achievement of my time in High School, period, was when I took the Golden State Exam for Geometry. I got so good with geometry, and would not only always pass a test, but usually be the first one done. So when this test came up, my Geometry teacher threatened to break my arm if I didn't take the test. (Good ol Mr. H.)
The day before the test, I only took an hour or two to read forward into the book about some of the formulas & concepts of things I didn't know, yet.
I took the test, and went on with life until the next school year. During my advanced algebra class, the teacher was handing out the certificates from the Golden State Exam, by passing the papers from the front of the row to the back.
As the tests got passed back from the front, all I heard was "damn"...
My test results said that I "Passed with Honors". So, not only did I pass, but I kicked ass!
I know by now, that my Geometry teach is probably dead, but I'll never forget him.
Lastly, I suppose while still on the topic of school, I need to give a HUGE shout out to my 11th grade English teacher.
She knew I was smart, and that I was also enrolled in Creative Writing. However, going back to my habits out of grade school, I was a bad student. I didn't like doing homework, and failed to actually take notes about when and what homework needed to be done.
Now that I think about it... my folks were always working when I was in grade school, and they never followed up with me after school about homework. In fact... it feels like they let me down by not following up with my homework/school studies. My younger sister is a much better student and didn't need this type of follow up, so I suppose it must be my being a bonehead.
This English teacher though... When it came to the quarter semester, she gave me a B, when I deserved a D. She looked at me and said, "You're going to earn that aren't you?" I could only answer "Yes, Ma'am." At the end of the Semester I kept the B, and the next quarter and final Semester, I earned and kept an A.
Also during this time though, my writing assignments became very dominate throughout the rest of the classes, because she often read them through ALL of her classes that year. At one point, a snarky girl in the class said "Jared isn't the best writer in the class..." The teacher retorted, "He's the best writer out of ALL my classes this year."
Now that I've covered my favorite part of the teenage, pimply parts of my life, let me return to the Extra class test studying.
I'm good at memorizing and remembering things that might seem forgotten... If I can remember that I knew something or that I did something, but not the details of it... I can sit down somewhere with my eyes closed and after a while of thinking about it, I can recall almost the entire incident or information that I need. Sometimes, like when it came to the school details above, I can even remember the entire scene like watching a movie. I can remember where I was sitting, who was sitting where in the classroom, what the teach was wearing, the weather outside, and often what things smelled like at that time. (perfumes, etc.)
When I studied the tests, I started out with online flash cards from HamExam. I started by learning the answers, and then after a while, I would go back to the actual theory and read about why the answers were what they were. HOWEVER, I also got to a point where I knew keywords or number sequences, or answers that would only have certain words or not have certain words.
Understanding that I only needed to correctly answer 37 out of 50 questions, I expected that I could miss some of the questions. Since the questions on the tests are pulled out of each theory area, there are perhaps 2-4 out of each section. If I knew more about one area than another, I could miss those questions and still pass.
Two weeks before the test, I stopped failing all practice tests.
The day of the test, I knew almost ALL the questions and that several of them, I had a 50/50 chance of answering right, because I knew the numeric sequence, but not the final part of the wording, because it would've helped if I studied more of the theory in that area.
Now that I passed the test, let me "SLIDE" back to where I started off at.
Last week, since the test, I've been bored during my "slow" times.
I started playing logic puzzles and backgammon again.
The last few days, those have been boring me pretty badly again too.
So, I started back into reading the news sites again.
One of these is The Blaze, Glenn Beck's brain child.
Does this mean that I follow Glenn Beck religiously or at all?
No, not really at all.
I did once though.
At the height of my emotional turmoil with Bipolar Disorder, I was listening to Glenn Beck and other similar radio show hosts. I even had a subscription to the The Blaze internet TV site.
Ellie knew I was doing this and finally told me it might help my stress if I stopped.
It took me a bit, but when I finally stopped, my stress did drop a LOT.
I still keep an ear to the ground and do not regret the history and other things that I went about learning because of Glenn Beck.
What I'm getting a little bit concerned about... is that I'm starting to get bored enough to start reading The Blaze again, and looking at Glenn's site...
Today, I even fired up the free internet feed from his radio show...
After a while of listening, it went to the stupid on air commercials, and I had a chance to stop and think...
Since then, I've been trying to fill the void created by the sudden stop of my license study.
I mean, I was studying and prepping for the exam practically every waking minute of the day.
This I did, in between dev builds, QA time, waiting for meetings, after work, in the bathroom, after dinner, watching movies, before falling asleep and often right after waking up.
I would have to classify this, after reading it, as obsessed.
For those of you who play an instrument, sport, other repetitive type of activity, you develop muscle memory. Muscle memory is where you don't even think about doing it, it just happens. Martial artists & fighters in general learn different movies and repeat things over and over. This way it becomes easy to recall and you don't realize it's happening.
This is what I wanted to do for my Extra class exam. I did the same thing last year for the General class exam.
The huge/major different for Extra class license, is the level of knowledge and math skills required.
Now, one thing to understand about me, I am a championship test taker.
In the 80's California started statewide testing for schools. During this time, we used to spend a few weeks studying and practicing these types of tests.
I got good at scanning questions, reviewing answers and making the right choice 99.9% of the time.
Much of the right choice was because of what I knew, and much of it is that I am a calculated risk taker... generally. Not that I could become a professional gambler, but I know when I can bet well, and other times when I should just stop and walk away. The rest of that time, I don't always listen to either voice, and wind up losing.
My test taking skills were so good that from Elementary School to Jr. High School, I went from generalized classes to advanced classes. (For the modern times, Jr. High School for most of us through the early 90's was still 7th-9th grade.)
In 7th grade, my first year in Jr. HS, I was put into Pre-Algebra. I liked it, but was a terrible student. While I could do the complex math with a calculator, I couldn't do basic math without one. The freaking teacher would allow us to use our calculators for homework, but not allow us to use them on the tests. While a novel idea, it sucked. I struggled with completing the tests in time, but understood how to do the work!
My other classes outside of mathematics really stank, except for PE... but unless you're a complete moron, PE isn't a hard class. The only exception here was the next year and the one after, when I got introduced to wood shop. I love working with wood.
The second year (8th), I felt that I was dumped into an elective class that was only available because the others were full... typing... what a total suck ass class! HOWEVER, without this skill, I would've had a hard time getting office type jobs, like data entry.
My hands have primarily been on a keyboard, touch typing for the last 20 years! So, while I can't hand write worth a damn, I can out type 80-90% of the people I come into contact with.
Going back to testing, I suppose the crowing achievement of my time in High School, period, was when I took the Golden State Exam for Geometry. I got so good with geometry, and would not only always pass a test, but usually be the first one done. So when this test came up, my Geometry teacher threatened to break my arm if I didn't take the test. (Good ol Mr. H.)
The day before the test, I only took an hour or two to read forward into the book about some of the formulas & concepts of things I didn't know, yet.
I took the test, and went on with life until the next school year. During my advanced algebra class, the teacher was handing out the certificates from the Golden State Exam, by passing the papers from the front of the row to the back.
As the tests got passed back from the front, all I heard was "damn"...
My test results said that I "Passed with Honors". So, not only did I pass, but I kicked ass!
I know by now, that my Geometry teach is probably dead, but I'll never forget him.
Lastly, I suppose while still on the topic of school, I need to give a HUGE shout out to my 11th grade English teacher.
She knew I was smart, and that I was also enrolled in Creative Writing. However, going back to my habits out of grade school, I was a bad student. I didn't like doing homework, and failed to actually take notes about when and what homework needed to be done.
Now that I think about it... my folks were always working when I was in grade school, and they never followed up with me after school about homework. In fact... it feels like they let me down by not following up with my homework/school studies. My younger sister is a much better student and didn't need this type of follow up, so I suppose it must be my being a bonehead.
This English teacher though... When it came to the quarter semester, she gave me a B, when I deserved a D. She looked at me and said, "You're going to earn that aren't you?" I could only answer "Yes, Ma'am." At the end of the Semester I kept the B, and the next quarter and final Semester, I earned and kept an A.
Also during this time though, my writing assignments became very dominate throughout the rest of the classes, because she often read them through ALL of her classes that year. At one point, a snarky girl in the class said "Jared isn't the best writer in the class..." The teacher retorted, "He's the best writer out of ALL my classes this year."
Now that I've covered my favorite part of the teenage, pimply parts of my life, let me return to the Extra class test studying.
I'm good at memorizing and remembering things that might seem forgotten... If I can remember that I knew something or that I did something, but not the details of it... I can sit down somewhere with my eyes closed and after a while of thinking about it, I can recall almost the entire incident or information that I need. Sometimes, like when it came to the school details above, I can even remember the entire scene like watching a movie. I can remember where I was sitting, who was sitting where in the classroom, what the teach was wearing, the weather outside, and often what things smelled like at that time. (perfumes, etc.)
When I studied the tests, I started out with online flash cards from HamExam. I started by learning the answers, and then after a while, I would go back to the actual theory and read about why the answers were what they were. HOWEVER, I also got to a point where I knew keywords or number sequences, or answers that would only have certain words or not have certain words.
Understanding that I only needed to correctly answer 37 out of 50 questions, I expected that I could miss some of the questions. Since the questions on the tests are pulled out of each theory area, there are perhaps 2-4 out of each section. If I knew more about one area than another, I could miss those questions and still pass.
Two weeks before the test, I stopped failing all practice tests.
The day of the test, I knew almost ALL the questions and that several of them, I had a 50/50 chance of answering right, because I knew the numeric sequence, but not the final part of the wording, because it would've helped if I studied more of the theory in that area.
Now that I passed the test, let me "SLIDE" back to where I started off at.
Last week, since the test, I've been bored during my "slow" times.
I started playing logic puzzles and backgammon again.
The last few days, those have been boring me pretty badly again too.
So, I started back into reading the news sites again.
One of these is The Blaze, Glenn Beck's brain child.
Does this mean that I follow Glenn Beck religiously or at all?
No, not really at all.
I did once though.
At the height of my emotional turmoil with Bipolar Disorder, I was listening to Glenn Beck and other similar radio show hosts. I even had a subscription to the The Blaze internet TV site.
Ellie knew I was doing this and finally told me it might help my stress if I stopped.
It took me a bit, but when I finally stopped, my stress did drop a LOT.
I still keep an ear to the ground and do not regret the history and other things that I went about learning because of Glenn Beck.
What I'm getting a little bit concerned about... is that I'm starting to get bored enough to start reading The Blaze again, and looking at Glenn's site...
Today, I even fired up the free internet feed from his radio show...
After a while of listening, it went to the stupid on air commercials, and I had a chance to stop and think...
Am I "Beck-Sliding" into my old emotional turmoil again?
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Here we go again? again...
I wonder if I'm not in some sort of a Bipolar cycle.
Previously I described a "Bipolar Episode" that I had yesterday.
Now, I feel like I'm going through that again today.
I like this time of the year, with everything starting to grow, the days getting longer, and the general weather changes...
Thank goodness when we refinanced the house several years ago, they insisted that we install heaters in all the rooms of the house, even though they don't typically need the heat.
This isn't necessarily surprising though.
Previously I described a "Bipolar Episode" that I had yesterday.
Now, I feel like I'm going through that again today.
I like this time of the year, with everything starting to grow, the days getting longer, and the general weather changes...
BUT
(Wow, that's one huge but!)
For weeks now, when it's not been in the 70's or so, the house is pretty damn cold/cool.
Ellie thinks that the heat should be off all the time, except at night, when needed.
This would be OK if no one was HERE!
Holy shit... it's pretty damn cold in here.
Thank goodness when we refinanced the house several years ago, they insisted that we install heaters in all the rooms of the house, even though they don't typically need the heat.
For the past several months, I've been running the heater in my office long enough for the house to warm up when the curtains are open and the sun warms it up.
Off/on for the last week or two, this hasn't happened until the end of my work day.
So I spend a large part of my day with my office doors closed and this wall heater turned on.
This wall heater only uses about 400watts an hour, which really isn't much and is LOWER than a traditional electrical heater.
Since today is Wednesday, I'm going to pick up Big Miss from school, as it's an early release day.
I enjoy the hour or so that she and I have by ourselves, when no one else is here.
Often we go get an ice cream cone or a milk shake on the way home. Usually once a month.
Well, cycling back around to another episode, it feels like it's happening again, but without all the adrenaline rushing through my body.
It feels more like a sugar/caffeine rush.
This isn't necessarily surprising though.
I had a bowl of ice cream with butterscotch topping and several no-doze.
Crap on a Crayola Dude!
Maybe it's not a good thing... I realized I am going back into that cycle I did several years ago.
Daily fucking bowl of ice cream...
I wish the ice cream wasn't here, but it is here.
The other day, I got quite a bit depressed thinking about a situation that happened in 1998.
At the time, I was renting the upper duplex of a house owned by a "friend".
His folks were visiting and he wanted to show them the upstairs apartment, and he called me to ask if they could come up in 10 minutes.
Well, I was doing some one handed web surfing and I didn't hear them come up less than 5 minutes later.
So what does this guy do?
He goes back downstairs, and calls on the phone with some sort of fucking crazy ass story about a dog running down the street with a bunch of KY jelly dripping down his fucking leg.
What bothers me is this. The fucker didn't stick to the time he said he was going to come up. Then he was also a phone mental health counselor, and he acted like a fucking moron. You'd figure the bastard would have the decency to realize a person might need help instead of being "funny"... What a fuck head.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
You aren't going to leave me alone are you? -Edie Adams
I have no idea who Edie Adams is, but the quote works for me.
"Big Miss" won't just shut up and leave me alone.
I don't want to be talked to, I want to be ignored while I'm working.
It's really FUCKING IRRITATING to keep getting talked to, when I work from HOME to keep from being INTERRUPTED by ANYONE!
The fucking kid just won't leave me alone!
In many ways, I wish she didn't move here. Or that she would move out on her own.
I doubt the latter will happen, as she's too damn clingy and stupid to get a job.
She often shows that she's a stereo typical blonde. Really stupid most days.
FUCK!
"Big Miss" won't just shut up and leave me alone.
I don't want to be talked to, I want to be ignored while I'm working.
It's really FUCKING IRRITATING to keep getting talked to, when I work from HOME to keep from being INTERRUPTED by ANYONE!
The fucking kid just won't leave me alone!
In many ways, I wish she didn't move here. Or that she would move out on her own.
I doubt the latter will happen, as she's too damn clingy and stupid to get a job.
She often shows that she's a stereo typical blonde. Really stupid most days.
FUCK!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Snow days = Fun for a while = "Dad.. I'm bored."
Ellie and the girls have been home from school since Thursday afternoon.
It's Tuesday now and it appears that there might be a good chance of freezing rain or at least lots of ice everywhere over the next few days still.
Which means now, that they'll be home for several days longer, despite the fact that we live just a few blocks from the school.
The city we live in is small-ish. Population around 10,000. It also has hills & other areas that are more rural than the downtown city itself, which we live close to.
Most teachers and many students live outside of the downtown area and have to commute a few miles or more to the school. Which means that traveling through snow & ice, despite how little there is, warrants snow days.
I don't usually mind driving in the snow, but I hate driving with the some of those who really "know" how to drive in the snow. This means all those guys with the 4x4's who try to do donuts & stuff, but wind up crashing into buildings and other cars. It also includes those who step on the gas too much and spin their wheels, trying to gather traction and wind up wasting the green light duration just to get across an intersection.
This is another reason why I justify working from home... That and my job isn't dependent on where I work.
It's the same thing as being a story/novel writer. You work where it's comfortable, inspiring, and away from the eyes of those who'll spoil the fun of the occasional computer game(s).
On the subject of mood & bipolar, I'm surprised and not surprised by some of the individuals I come in contact with.
Many are like me, funny, a tad "crazy", etc.
Some though, have very fragile personalities and often aren't sure what to do/think because of all the negative types of experiences they've had in their lives. If I didn't either learn or just become used to being alone or "shunned", I suppose I'd be in the same state of mind.
Actually, I was in the same type of fragile state after I first married Ellie. She didn't make me that way, but it was due to the way my relationship ended with my ex-wife.
What happened with my ex-wife, was that she had "moved" here. One day while I was looking for a job, I came home and everything she and Big Miss had was packed up and they were gone.
Another time after she "moved" here, she pissed me off, so I went out for a walk, and again, she and Big Miss were gone again.
Finally, on the final "move" here, she and I had been seeing a counselor. What she stated was that she wasn't happy here and couldn't ever be happy with me. She wanted to leave, but had pissed off her family so much that they wouldn't fly her back to California, "again". (They'd been doing this all of the other times she left.)
I told her I'd buy the ticket if she wanted to leave... so a few weeks later, when I had the money, I paid for their ticket and she left.
That was the last time she & Big Miss were here in the Northwest.
After marrying Ellie, I freaked out one night when she wasn't home from school/work when she normally was. Neither one of us had a cell phone, so I couldn't call her to see where she was.
For the next few hours, I was totally flipping out because she wasn't there... I kept thinking that I did something to piss her off... "what if she left me?" "what if this?" "what if that?"
Obviously, when she returned, I explained that I had been freaking out because of the way my ex-wife had treated me.
Now, I don't worry much at all if she's not here when I return from work & what not.
I learned to deal with my anxiety of that, but it took me over a year to get over.
Even now, I still wonder "what if"... but Ellie usually carries her cell phone with her now, so I can figure out what's up... :)
It's Tuesday now and it appears that there might be a good chance of freezing rain or at least lots of ice everywhere over the next few days still.
Which means now, that they'll be home for several days longer, despite the fact that we live just a few blocks from the school.
The city we live in is small-ish. Population around 10,000. It also has hills & other areas that are more rural than the downtown city itself, which we live close to.
Most teachers and many students live outside of the downtown area and have to commute a few miles or more to the school. Which means that traveling through snow & ice, despite how little there is, warrants snow days.
I don't usually mind driving in the snow, but I hate driving with the some of those who really "know" how to drive in the snow. This means all those guys with the 4x4's who try to do donuts & stuff, but wind up crashing into buildings and other cars. It also includes those who step on the gas too much and spin their wheels, trying to gather traction and wind up wasting the green light duration just to get across an intersection.
This is another reason why I justify working from home... That and my job isn't dependent on where I work.
It's the same thing as being a story/novel writer. You work where it's comfortable, inspiring, and away from the eyes of those who'll spoil the fun of the occasional computer game(s).
On the subject of mood & bipolar, I'm surprised and not surprised by some of the individuals I come in contact with.
Many are like me, funny, a tad "crazy", etc.
Some though, have very fragile personalities and often aren't sure what to do/think because of all the negative types of experiences they've had in their lives. If I didn't either learn or just become used to being alone or "shunned", I suppose I'd be in the same state of mind.
Actually, I was in the same type of fragile state after I first married Ellie. She didn't make me that way, but it was due to the way my relationship ended with my ex-wife.
What happened with my ex-wife, was that she had "moved" here. One day while I was looking for a job, I came home and everything she and Big Miss had was packed up and they were gone.
Another time after she "moved" here, she pissed me off, so I went out for a walk, and again, she and Big Miss were gone again.
Finally, on the final "move" here, she and I had been seeing a counselor. What she stated was that she wasn't happy here and couldn't ever be happy with me. She wanted to leave, but had pissed off her family so much that they wouldn't fly her back to California, "again". (They'd been doing this all of the other times she left.)
I told her I'd buy the ticket if she wanted to leave... so a few weeks later, when I had the money, I paid for their ticket and she left.
That was the last time she & Big Miss were here in the Northwest.
After marrying Ellie, I freaked out one night when she wasn't home from school/work when she normally was. Neither one of us had a cell phone, so I couldn't call her to see where she was.
For the next few hours, I was totally flipping out because she wasn't there... I kept thinking that I did something to piss her off... "what if she left me?" "what if this?" "what if that?"
Obviously, when she returned, I explained that I had been freaking out because of the way my ex-wife had treated me.
Now, I don't worry much at all if she's not here when I return from work & what not.
I learned to deal with my anxiety of that, but it took me over a year to get over.
Even now, I still wonder "what if"... but Ellie usually carries her cell phone with her now, so I can figure out what's up... :)
Friday, November 22, 2013
When she's right, she's right... Why do I always hear a piper today?
The other day Ellie noted that the shower wasn't draining very well anymore and it was probably due to all the long hair between her and the girls.
I also suspect that it's from our sheltie. He's got really long/wooly type of fur and Ellie gave him a bath last week.
After my shower today, I took the plunger to the shower drain, and it didn't help.
Next, I'm going try using Drano or some knock off.
If that doesn't work, then I'll pull out the drain auger/snake... Then I get to run that for a while and pull out the clog.
Usually when I pull out the clog, it's a gag type of moment. Sometimes it brings its own special odor or is a large hairball yacked up by a Yeti.
What's ever worse than the shower drain is the sink drain. That ALWAYS has a stink to it... And it's slippery/slimy. ACK!
Being a home owner brings all sorts of fun like this.
As to the piper, since my shower, I have been in a better mood, and for some reason hearing bag pipe music being belted out at high volume is pumping me up.
Of course, so is "No Church in the Wild" by Kanye West and Jay-Z.
Well, otherwise, my mood is going up, and I hope that it keeps going today, but doesn't crash tomorrow. Which would suck.
I'm supposed to help out my family & their girls club sell stuff at a church's bazaar. (Lucky me, eh?) If I'm not feeling so hot, then I know I'm going to be a cynical asshole to everyone that I meet and I'll have to bite my tongue... Even if it's not my particular chapel & faith.
To make matters even more fun tomorrow, we're doing family pictures sometime in the afternoon. After which, we're supposed to return to the bazaar to keep pimping the goods that were made.
I'm thinking about taking the Zombie Dice game with me, so that the kids and I can have something to play when/if things get really slow... (previous post about Zombie Dice & the other Zombie game I bought..)
That'll teach that religion/chapel a thing or two about my cynical nature, eh?
It's not that I want to disrespect any religion, as I have a strong belief that EVERYONE should worship God in the manner that they see fit.
I don't like it when you go into another faith's chapel and you start getting preached at. If they really want to get my attention, they won't push their religion at me. Instead they should show me courtesy and kindness.
Since I already feel that my faith is true, I really don't think that I'm going to switch anytime soon... :)
I also suspect that it's from our sheltie. He's got really long/wooly type of fur and Ellie gave him a bath last week.
After my shower today, I took the plunger to the shower drain, and it didn't help.
Next, I'm going try using Drano or some knock off.
If that doesn't work, then I'll pull out the drain auger/snake... Then I get to run that for a while and pull out the clog.
Usually when I pull out the clog, it's a gag type of moment. Sometimes it brings its own special odor or is a large hairball yacked up by a Yeti.
What's ever worse than the shower drain is the sink drain. That ALWAYS has a stink to it... And it's slippery/slimy. ACK!
Being a home owner brings all sorts of fun like this.
As to the piper, since my shower, I have been in a better mood, and for some reason hearing bag pipe music being belted out at high volume is pumping me up.
Of course, so is "No Church in the Wild" by Kanye West and Jay-Z.
See?I have a LARGE variety of different music styles, eras, etc. Classical, Heavy Metal, Rock, Rap, Big Band, Oldies, Cowboy (not country, which I usually can't stand), etc...
When I stated that I'm a music lover, I mean it.
Well, otherwise, my mood is going up, and I hope that it keeps going today, but doesn't crash tomorrow. Which would suck.
I'm supposed to help out my family & their girls club sell stuff at a church's bazaar. (Lucky me, eh?) If I'm not feeling so hot, then I know I'm going to be a cynical asshole to everyone that I meet and I'll have to bite my tongue... Even if it's not my particular chapel & faith.
To make matters even more fun tomorrow, we're doing family pictures sometime in the afternoon. After which, we're supposed to return to the bazaar to keep pimping the goods that were made.
I'm thinking about taking the Zombie Dice game with me, so that the kids and I can have something to play when/if things get really slow... (previous post about Zombie Dice & the other Zombie game I bought..)
That'll teach that religion/chapel a thing or two about my cynical nature, eh?
It's not that I want to disrespect any religion, as I have a strong belief that EVERYONE should worship God in the manner that they see fit.
I don't like it when you go into another faith's chapel and you start getting preached at. If they really want to get my attention, they won't push their religion at me. Instead they should show me courtesy and kindness.
Since I already feel that my faith is true, I really don't think that I'm going to switch anytime soon... :)
Monday, October 28, 2013
... if she cooks squirrel and dumplins, that's the woman you go after...
Today feels a little bit like a "squirrel" day...
Yet, I don't feel distracted, like I normally would on a squirrel day.
I just can't seem to engage myself into work or anything else.
It's like all I want to do is sit around a loaf and/or just do mindless things.
Ok.. I'd sit and read books or do word puzzles from those Variety Puzzle books.
If I hadn't previously posted this, my uncle left me 1 and a half boxes of those puzzle books.
I've gotten into doing those puzzles, and can do a full book in about 2 weeks or so.
For work, I am looking at what I need to do... mostly... I just can't seem to click things together.
Feels like I have one of my "background" headaches, and I feel sleepy as can be.
I don't know why I'm so sleepy these days.
From what I can figure is that either I'm not sleeping fully or I'm just at a FUBAR stage right now.
It seems as though I lay down to sleep, I fall to sleep, yet I toss and turn... when I do.. I sometimes become fully awake, instead of the "temporary" motion of moving from position to position.
Yesterday, Ellie was on the freakin' rag... Ok it's not a rag because of the hysterectomy, but she still has the ovaries, and her moods & attitudes during this time of the month are REALLY harsh. I can say that, because when I hear her going off, it's like what I used to say when I was in one of my bipolar tirade moods. (Medication has pretty much diminished them.)
I was pretty tired yesterday, and I wanted a nap, but she just kept snapping that I needed to be doing something to help her get stuff done... The stuff she wanted me to do, I couldn't do, because the space in our kitchen is a bit limited, and I didn't have any space to work on things.
Whenever they were done, I kicked into gear and whipped up what she wanted in about 10 minutes.
Well, I went to bed around 9:00-10:00 last night and woke up around 6:00 AM... Right now, I still feel super, super tired.
Looking at my watch, I've been sitting here at my laptop/station since 7:00 AM and it's almost 1:00 PM, and I haven't done anything, but read several emails, play multiple games of Spider Solitaire (At the hardest level, four suits.) and online Cryptograms.
Now that I think about it, I have samples of several sleeping aid pills, like Ambien, Lunesta, etc. I'm afraid of using them right now... Last time I was like this and I started using them, I was sleeping 10+ hours every night/time. Not necessarily good, since I didn't want my days to be "roll out of bed, go to work, roll back into bed".
Today, not even the caffeine pills are working.
Feels like I might get one of those REALLY bad pressure headaches, where it feels like someone's using an air compressor to fill up a canister with air, but the canister is full, but the pressure is still building up.. the canister cannot get any bigger, but the pressure is constant and doesn't seem as though there's any sort of relief valve to even temporarily drop the pressure.
These headaches often last for hours & hours. I think I touched on these in previous posts... since they're such dramatic things in my life, I cannot forget them.
Each time that I get one of these headaches, it reminds me of one I had almost a year ago.. when I wanted to take my revolved to put a "hole" in my head to relieve the pressure for good.
Obviously I didn't do that, and I don't imagine myself thinking like that again.
I have figured out somethings that I can do to help relieve this pain.
If I'm away from home I usually carry items 1-5 with me. With my work laptop bag with me, then I can do 6 & 8.
Obviously, # 12 is easy to do. Just take them out, put them on my desk/dresser/pocket/etc.
For #3, it's often very hard to always do for the following reasons:
For what it's worth...
I don't know...
Yet, I don't feel distracted, like I normally would on a squirrel day.
I just can't seem to engage myself into work or anything else.
It's like all I want to do is sit around a loaf and/or just do mindless things.
Ok.. I'd sit and read books or do word puzzles from those Variety Puzzle books.
If I hadn't previously posted this, my uncle left me 1 and a half boxes of those puzzle books.
I've gotten into doing those puzzles, and can do a full book in about 2 weeks or so.
For work, I am looking at what I need to do... mostly... I just can't seem to click things together.
Feels like I have one of my "background" headaches, and I feel sleepy as can be.
I don't know why I'm so sleepy these days.
From what I can figure is that either I'm not sleeping fully or I'm just at a FUBAR stage right now.
It seems as though I lay down to sleep, I fall to sleep, yet I toss and turn... when I do.. I sometimes become fully awake, instead of the "temporary" motion of moving from position to position.
Yesterday, Ellie was on the freakin' rag... Ok it's not a rag because of the hysterectomy, but she still has the ovaries, and her moods & attitudes during this time of the month are REALLY harsh. I can say that, because when I hear her going off, it's like what I used to say when I was in one of my bipolar tirade moods. (Medication has pretty much diminished them.)
I was pretty tired yesterday, and I wanted a nap, but she just kept snapping that I needed to be doing something to help her get stuff done... The stuff she wanted me to do, I couldn't do, because the space in our kitchen is a bit limited, and I didn't have any space to work on things.
Whenever they were done, I kicked into gear and whipped up what she wanted in about 10 minutes.
Well, I went to bed around 9:00-10:00 last night and woke up around 6:00 AM... Right now, I still feel super, super tired.
Looking at my watch, I've been sitting here at my laptop/station since 7:00 AM and it's almost 1:00 PM, and I haven't done anything, but read several emails, play multiple games of Spider Solitaire (At the hardest level, four suits.) and online Cryptograms.
Now that I think about it, I have samples of several sleeping aid pills, like Ambien, Lunesta, etc. I'm afraid of using them right now... Last time I was like this and I started using them, I was sleeping 10+ hours every night/time. Not necessarily good, since I didn't want my days to be "roll out of bed, go to work, roll back into bed".
Today, not even the caffeine pills are working.
Feels like I might get one of those REALLY bad pressure headaches, where it feels like someone's using an air compressor to fill up a canister with air, but the canister is full, but the pressure is still building up.. the canister cannot get any bigger, but the pressure is constant and doesn't seem as though there's any sort of relief valve to even temporarily drop the pressure.
These headaches often last for hours & hours. I think I touched on these in previous posts... since they're such dramatic things in my life, I cannot forget them.
Each time that I get one of these headaches, it reminds me of one I had almost a year ago.. when I wanted to take my revolved to put a "hole" in my head to relieve the pressure for good.
Obviously I didn't do that, and I don't imagine myself thinking like that again.
I have figured out somethings that I can do to help relieve this pain.
- Take Tylenol. (I get bad diarrhea from NSAIDs anymore.)
- Take my pain pill(s).
- Start swearing. (Scientific proof that swearing or shouting/saying various words can help endure pain.)
- Take caffeine.
- Take an Antihistamine. (Sometimes, Claritin alone. Often an hour or so later, followed up Benadryl.)
- Rub Vicks / menthol rub on my forehead, around the side & bottom of my nose. (Never in, it hurts badly) This often causes my nose to run and helps the sinuses drain.
- Put ice on my head. Same as the Vicks, causes the nose to run sometimes and helps things to drain.
- Occasionally, I'll use a strong saline sinus rinse..
- Use Oxygen for 15 minutes.
- Use CPAP machine.
- Soak in a HOT shower/tub.
- Take out my hearing aids.
- Get into a dark room with low noise.
- Pet the cat(s).
If I'm away from home I usually carry items 1-5 with me. With my work laptop bag with me, then I can do 6 & 8.
Obviously, # 12 is easy to do. Just take them out, put them on my desk/dresser/pocket/etc.
For #3, it's often very hard to always do for the following reasons:
- Children are near. (My kids and other kids)
- I'm not alone. (My wife hates to hear me swearing.)
- Not in a good/appropriate place to shout/swear. (Church, grocery store, etc. Got into trouble for swearing at the corporate office once.)
- Talking hurts worse.
For what it's worth...
I don't know...
Monday, October 21, 2013
Put the crack pipe down and step away...
I've no idea who actually made that quote or what it exactly references to... but that doesn't matter.
Supposing that I am using it for a purpose, I don't think that I have a true purpose for that quote...
I just returned from seeing "The Ogre" (My Shrink).
He's a good doctor, for the most part, but he's a bit "slow" when it comes to listening... maybe it's not that... I don't think that he's able to process information or communicate as fast as I do. Remember, I'm a software developer and being able to process information and see how to fix/build/work around things is my specialty.
Well, the results of the blood test from my previous appointment came back.
My lamictal levels are a bit low, so he has me upping the levels to 300 mg... Starting with 50 mg in the morning, while taking my 200 mg at night. Then a week or two later, take a full 100 mg pill in the morning with the 200 mg at night.
Recently, my migraines/headaches have been getting really acute/severe/"Holy shit can it hurt any worse than a kidney stone or giving birth!?"
The pain usually starts with the left sinus passage, just as it starts in the nose, where the cartilage ends and the bone starts.
As I mentioned, comparing it to a Kidney stone, it is like a pressure that keeps building up and doesn't stop quickly, and often lasts for HOURS and HOURS.
Using Oxygen (O2 for you science/chemistry geeks), often helps out... BUT... (There's always a but for me in these cases... sometimes really big and round... "I like big butts and I cannot..." Sorry, I got overtaken by the moment.)
It really started on Thursday, during my all day training. Which was good training and information, while it was bad for my diet. "Breakfast" consisted of "Pop Tarts", muffins, sodas, water, "juice" and other unhealthy things. Not to mention that all day long there was candy on the table, which I had a hard time not just snacking the hell out of.
Towards the last hour, I could feel the pressure/start of the pain/headache. I took my break through pain pill, and my long lasting, scheduled, pain pill... No effect.
I finally left about 15-30 minutes before it ended, and drove home with the A/C turned up all the way.
Obviously, I made it home, safely, and it went away completely using my O2 for 15 minutes. (Standard usage/dosage for O2 therapy for migraines.)
Friday, I was doing pretty good as I worked from home... then I went with my family and a friend of the kids to watch a movie. I think it was Turbo. Good movie BTW, a bit corny in places, but very entertaining.
About half way through the show, I started to get the sinus pain, and started, in the dark to find my pain pills. I managed to find all of my pills in the dark, by feel and what reflection I had from the screen.
Pain Pills didn't do what I was hoping they would do... So when the show was over, I went out to the car, swearing about the lines of kids all over the place getting in the way.
I waited for my family with the window down, letting the cold air in. During the drive home, I kept the window open for a while, then finally closed it, turned the heat up full and turned the vents to myself. That helped, but it didn't go away very well.
Using the hair dryer when I got home did help... Some...
Finally, the O2 did help again.
Saturday night, same type of thing happened, but this time while watching a movie at home, I was able to use my portable O2 tank, and it helped it to go away for an hour or so... then it came back.
Keeping up with this nightly pain sequence, it happened again last night.
Today, I can feel that it's building up again too.
I might try using Afrin, like I used to many years ago, to prevent/stop the pain. It does help!
What really sucks about this pain, is that it isn't just isolated in the head. The pain gets worse or flares up when breathing in through my nose. If I don't breath through my nose, the pain is even worse when I breath through my mouth.
No good solution.
Drinking hot liquids, tea, hot juice, water, broth, etc, does help... As does delicious and almost nutritious Ice Cream!!
However!
Since joining Weight Watchers, I haven't had any "regular" ice cream here that I can just pile into a bowl and eat. All of the ice cream is in pre-portioned bars and what not. Stuff tastes amazing, but still, one bar for a headache just isn't enough...
Well, I'll "Keep Moving Forward" and let life lead me where I need to go.
Or as Walt Disney put it:
Supposing that I am using it for a purpose, I don't think that I have a true purpose for that quote...
I just returned from seeing "The Ogre" (My Shrink).
He's a good doctor, for the most part, but he's a bit "slow" when it comes to listening... maybe it's not that... I don't think that he's able to process information or communicate as fast as I do. Remember, I'm a software developer and being able to process information and see how to fix/build/work around things is my specialty.
Well, the results of the blood test from my previous appointment came back.
My lamictal levels are a bit low, so he has me upping the levels to 300 mg... Starting with 50 mg in the morning, while taking my 200 mg at night. Then a week or two later, take a full 100 mg pill in the morning with the 200 mg at night.
Recently, my migraines/headaches have been getting really acute/severe/"Holy shit can it hurt any worse than a kidney stone or giving birth!?"
The pain usually starts with the left sinus passage, just as it starts in the nose, where the cartilage ends and the bone starts.
It's really, REALLY painful.
As I mentioned, comparing it to a Kidney stone, it is like a pressure that keeps building up and doesn't stop quickly, and often lasts for HOURS and HOURS.
Using Oxygen (O2 for you science/chemistry geeks), often helps out... BUT... (There's always a but for me in these cases... sometimes really big and round... "I like big butts and I cannot..." Sorry, I got overtaken by the moment.)
It really started on Thursday, during my all day training. Which was good training and information, while it was bad for my diet. "Breakfast" consisted of "Pop Tarts", muffins, sodas, water, "juice" and other unhealthy things. Not to mention that all day long there was candy on the table, which I had a hard time not just snacking the hell out of.
Towards the last hour, I could feel the pressure/start of the pain/headache. I took my break through pain pill, and my long lasting, scheduled, pain pill... No effect.
I finally left about 15-30 minutes before it ended, and drove home with the A/C turned up all the way.
Obviously, I made it home, safely, and it went away completely using my O2 for 15 minutes. (Standard usage/dosage for O2 therapy for migraines.)
Friday, I was doing pretty good as I worked from home... then I went with my family and a friend of the kids to watch a movie. I think it was Turbo. Good movie BTW, a bit corny in places, but very entertaining.
About half way through the show, I started to get the sinus pain, and started, in the dark to find my pain pills. I managed to find all of my pills in the dark, by feel and what reflection I had from the screen.
Pain Pills didn't do what I was hoping they would do... So when the show was over, I went out to the car, swearing about the lines of kids all over the place getting in the way.
I waited for my family with the window down, letting the cold air in. During the drive home, I kept the window open for a while, then finally closed it, turned the heat up full and turned the vents to myself. That helped, but it didn't go away very well.
Using the hair dryer when I got home did help... Some...
Finally, the O2 did help again.
Saturday night, same type of thing happened, but this time while watching a movie at home, I was able to use my portable O2 tank, and it helped it to go away for an hour or so... then it came back.
Keeping up with this nightly pain sequence, it happened again last night.
Today, I can feel that it's building up again too.
I might try using Afrin, like I used to many years ago, to prevent/stop the pain. It does help!
What really sucks about this pain, is that it isn't just isolated in the head. The pain gets worse or flares up when breathing in through my nose. If I don't breath through my nose, the pain is even worse when I breath through my mouth.
No good solution.
Drinking hot liquids, tea, hot juice, water, broth, etc, does help... As does delicious and almost nutritious Ice Cream!!
However!
Since joining Weight Watchers, I haven't had any "regular" ice cream here that I can just pile into a bowl and eat. All of the ice cream is in pre-portioned bars and what not. Stuff tastes amazing, but still, one bar for a headache just isn't enough...
Well, I'll "Keep Moving Forward" and let life lead me where I need to go.
Or as Walt Disney put it:
We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
A little from column A, a little from column B.
Bill Gannon: Are you stalling for time, or are you just senile?I don't know exactly how I feel today, but to say that a little from each column please...
Abe Simpson: A little from column A, a little from column B.
Last night, I felt extremely FAT.
So fat, in fact, that it looked like I was going to develop one of those damn "eaves" or "Fat rolls?". I dunno how it's called medically, except that when I see it, it looks like where the fat has decided that it's not content to live in one spot, but has decided that it's going to spill, but cannot spill forward, so it just sags the skin outward and down.
I don't have a belly like that.
I took some fiber last night, and this morning, when I got up, prior to using the bathroom, my belly looked more normal again.
So, I suppose it must've been gas & I was full of shit...
My pain meds do cause constipation, and I try to take fiber daily, but perhaps I need to do it twice daily and accept the continuous shitting.
I'm certain that it will eventually help to clear me out and perhaps, like the anorexics, I'll thin out... HA! right.
When Ellie came home from her meeting, I told her that I was concerned as I was having a harder time breathing and wiping my ass... (Yes, wiping my ass... When you have the extra weight, it's harder to reach that area... Don't worry, I'm clean, and can wipe still.) I wanted to go see the family doctor, but Ellie went off on how I was only supposed to consume xxx number of calories, etc... I told her I wasn't really ready to learn all that just before bed time, and that it was like me spouting off how to do stuff with the computers when she wasn't ready to learn it. An, "at the time", useless bit of information.
Good thing Ellie doesn't pay attention to my blog, or else she'd probably go off on how much detail I put up there... but it's detail that some people don't otherwise know or experience if they're not getting fat quickly like I am...
In the past 6 months, I've gone from around 290ish to 330ish.
That's a huge weight gain, if you ask me... but what's changed? Well, I'm at max dosage of Effexor XR (300mg). I'm also on 5mg of Zyprexa (which is still considered low)... I think the weight gain has more to do with Zyprexa than anything else.
My weight has been pretty much around 270-290 for years, and for me to breach and stay over 300 lbs, is pretty significant.
My diet hasn't really changed much from last year, and in fact, right now, I feel like I'm eating less than I was a year ago.
So what gives?
Should I stop my meds? Probably not.
If I stop my meds, I know that Ellie will completely flip out.
Right now, Ellie is in the garage loading up our trailer to go camping this weekend as a family.
I don't really know if I can handle that much stress, and worry a bit that emotionally it'll tip me over the edge.
Camping is something that my wife and her family have been doing forever, and my family only did it on occasions as it was a pain in the ass to get 6 kids ready to go.
I've done lots of overnight camp outs with my dad & brothers, and week long ventures as a boy scout.
So why are things different now?
- Arthritis
- Migraines
- Bipolar
- Sleep Apnea
Well, more to come, I suppose as the week progresses.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Just do it?
WTF is that supposed to actually mean to a depressed guy?
It's like those moron friends & associates that come up to you and say "You just got to stop being so depressed".
Well, STFU!
I'm a bit blue again this morning/early afternoon. I also have a bit of a headache coming on.
I finally had some Caffiene and a pain pill.
I should be buzzing pretty soon, maybe not.
Hell, I dunno.
I should take sometime and spend it writing & typing my stories into the computer, so that I can start to submit them.
I dunno why I don't use a computer directly, but I feel more at home with my fountain pen and a pad of paper.
That's how I used to write 20 years ago in high school.
Anyone ever feel that they want to revisit those years again? Not me, really.. Well, I'd like to find my old friends again and get some sort of support system setup with them again.
Without their knowing it... Hell, I had an ex girlfriend that I remained good friends with after we broke up.
I doubt she'll want to chat with me, because she felt that my brother(s) used her just for tongue. I didn't... I genuinely miss her as the friend she was.
Oh well, I'm married and Ellie is a good friend, but there are times that I want to talk and vent, and all she can do is try to "fix" things.
Drives me up the freakin' wall.
Well, I'm starting to feel better, the pain pill is kicking in and the headache pain is going away now.
It's like those moron friends & associates that come up to you and say "You just got to stop being so depressed".
Well, STFU!
I'm a bit blue again this morning/early afternoon. I also have a bit of a headache coming on.
I finally had some Caffiene and a pain pill.
I should be buzzing pretty soon, maybe not.
Hell, I dunno.
I should take sometime and spend it writing & typing my stories into the computer, so that I can start to submit them.
I dunno why I don't use a computer directly, but I feel more at home with my fountain pen and a pad of paper.
That's how I used to write 20 years ago in high school.
Anyone ever feel that they want to revisit those years again? Not me, really.. Well, I'd like to find my old friends again and get some sort of support system setup with them again.
Without their knowing it... Hell, I had an ex girlfriend that I remained good friends with after we broke up.
I doubt she'll want to chat with me, because she felt that my brother(s) used her just for tongue. I didn't... I genuinely miss her as the friend she was.
Oh well, I'm married and Ellie is a good friend, but there are times that I want to talk and vent, and all she can do is try to "fix" things.
Drives me up the freakin' wall.
Well, I'm starting to feel better, the pain pill is kicking in and the headache pain is going away now.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Ok, now I understand bipolar trigger warnings...
Earlier this week, I received an ebook from Steve Martin.
I thought to myself, "Steve Martin? Should be funny as hell..."
The book was funny for the first few chapters, and after a while the main character who suffers from some forms of insanity started to wear off on me.
I started to get really depressed and I kept reading the book. I thought, "Hey, this should get really, really funny.... soon..."
It never did get really funny.
Yesterday morning, I started Bill Crystal's "700 Sundays" and it started off really, really great! I mean, I was having a hard time holding it in while I was supposed to be sitting stiff & straight. Unfortunately, as the book progressed it started getting more & more serious, but I think Billy had a harder time spinning humor into this as it was about his mom, whom he loved very much.
I finished it yesterday afternoon, and while I thought, "Hey, I'll get boosted by humor", and I was while it was really funny, but later on, it kind of left me down.
Thank goodness the girls had water polo practice & scrimmages in the afternoon, so I went to watch. Sitting there in that muggy/warm indoor swimming pool kind of help rouse me a bit.
For some reason, whenever I read a book that has a mentally messed up main character I get depressed or feel so attached to it/him/her, that I think I should stop.
I started reading another ebook a friend had and it had a guy who was a shrink that was doing coke, and trying to be a criminal guy... I finally finished the first chapter and removed the book from my Kindle and the others by the author.
I don't know... I think that as an author, the main characters shouldn't be shooting up heroin or snorting coke...
It's not that I want to read a rosy colored book.. Hell, I love many of Anne Rice & Stephen King books because of their messed up characters, but for a character to keep going back for more coke was depressing...
My wife is one of my biggest triggers, especially when she's trying to plan out everything that she's working on that it spills over and winds up knee deep around her.
Monday afternoon, I needed to use the bathroom and while I'm navigating the house to get to the crapper, she stand right in my way with a list of what's going to happen during the week. She expected me to stop on my quest for a good bowel movement and read/listen to everything. I had to tell her I was full of shit and if I didn't go soon there might be a problem.
She might've taken offense to it, but dammit, I don't do that to her when she's got to go... In general, if I feel that pressed to talk to a person, I just follow them into the shitter and arm myself with the air freshener... In the case of Ellie, I don't do that because I don't think there's that much that's important to follow her in to the throne room.
There are times where conversations through the door happen, but that's about it. I'll sit outside and wait for her, or if it's not that important, I go back to what I was doing.
I dunno what anyone thinks about this, but hey, some of what's up there is pretty funny shit.
I thought to myself, "Steve Martin? Should be funny as hell..."
The book was funny for the first few chapters, and after a while the main character who suffers from some forms of insanity started to wear off on me.
I started to get really depressed and I kept reading the book. I thought, "Hey, this should get really, really funny.... soon..."
It never did get really funny.
Yesterday morning, I started Bill Crystal's "700 Sundays" and it started off really, really great! I mean, I was having a hard time holding it in while I was supposed to be sitting stiff & straight. Unfortunately, as the book progressed it started getting more & more serious, but I think Billy had a harder time spinning humor into this as it was about his mom, whom he loved very much.
I finished it yesterday afternoon, and while I thought, "Hey, I'll get boosted by humor", and I was while it was really funny, but later on, it kind of left me down.
Thank goodness the girls had water polo practice & scrimmages in the afternoon, so I went to watch. Sitting there in that muggy/warm indoor swimming pool kind of help rouse me a bit.
For some reason, whenever I read a book that has a mentally messed up main character I get depressed or feel so attached to it/him/her, that I think I should stop.
I started reading another ebook a friend had and it had a guy who was a shrink that was doing coke, and trying to be a criminal guy... I finally finished the first chapter and removed the book from my Kindle and the others by the author.
I don't know... I think that as an author, the main characters shouldn't be shooting up heroin or snorting coke...
It's not that I want to read a rosy colored book.. Hell, I love many of Anne Rice & Stephen King books because of their messed up characters, but for a character to keep going back for more coke was depressing...
My wife is one of my biggest triggers, especially when she's trying to plan out everything that she's working on that it spills over and winds up knee deep around her.
Monday afternoon, I needed to use the bathroom and while I'm navigating the house to get to the crapper, she stand right in my way with a list of what's going to happen during the week. She expected me to stop on my quest for a good bowel movement and read/listen to everything. I had to tell her I was full of shit and if I didn't go soon there might be a problem.
She might've taken offense to it, but dammit, I don't do that to her when she's got to go... In general, if I feel that pressed to talk to a person, I just follow them into the shitter and arm myself with the air freshener... In the case of Ellie, I don't do that because I don't think there's that much that's important to follow her in to the throne room.
There are times where conversations through the door happen, but that's about it. I'll sit outside and wait for her, or if it's not that important, I go back to what I was doing.
I dunno what anyone thinks about this, but hey, some of what's up there is pretty funny shit.