I dunno know... I wanted to cut something.

I can't seem to remember where I left off at right now and sure as hell don't want to go back to read it right now.


Although... I believe I wrote about my useless, older brothers... All of whom lived with my folks several times after they were out of the house and married...


Where am I going with this?


Well, I'm going where I think I need to go.

A few hours ago, I was on the verge of sitting the curb on the side of the road, fishing out my knife and putting a slice across my arm!

This is not a suicide slice!
It's a cut!
There is a difference!

The difference is that the cut hurts and will hurt for awhile, while the other will typically end your life.

I needed to release tension and at that time a cut across my forearm was the only way I thought I could handle it.

Here's the backstory:

My dad had been sick and my younger sister and her husband have been driving our mom back and forth to his appointments, and eventually to the hospitals.


About a year ago, I spoke with with my sisters about how nasty and messed up our parent's house was and that our brother's kids weren't being cared for very well.

Now, my job at that time required me to call in any form of abuse. (child, adult, elderly, spousal, etc.)

So, I called social services.

Our dad's had several major problems over the years and about a year ago landed himself in dire medical care.  My brothers all started out helping, then kind of ran into their holes, leaving my younger sister to pick up all of the slack.

Recently his health got so bad that he was losing track of who he was, who others were and where he was.  All that he knew was that he wanted to go home.

Speaking with my sister, I told her that it sounded like he needed to go on hospice where he would be kept comfortable until he passed on.  She also told me that she was getting exhausted and on one occasion that one of the other brothers was with our mom and was supposed to wait with her until my sister got there.  Well, I guess that she needed to go to a clinic and he had something else to do!  So that asshole left her there at the clinic!  WTF?  Why would you just leave someone there like that!?  Seriously!  Our mom has been fighting with dementia and memory problems for several years.

That really pissed me off, so I decided I needed to come out here to help our mom and relieve my sister and her husband.  I ordered the bus ticket and then that same night, I got a call from my oldest brother and found out that our father passed away.

I got on the bus and came out here.  (Remember, I don't fly anymore!)

The bus ride sucked like hell and everytime I fell asleep I had to wake back up again for some dumbass reason.  That last one really pissed me off.  I was finally comfortable and in a deep, deep sleep.  Then a new lady getting on the bus practically sat on me!  It's not like I'm a little, bitty dude, and I was in deep sleep!


So today, I met with all the other siblings at our mom's house and they started going through the funeral program, and at first I was willing to play a flute, but I had forgotten mine.  Then my brothers started getting a bit pushy and the real, dumbass, pious mother fucking one started trying to be cute and tell jokes.  I got mad, so when I went outside to chat with my little sister, I decided to just walk.

I just walked away, and walked for probably a mile before my sister contacted me and told me they were done, and wanted to know if I wanted a ride back to where I was staying.

During my walk, I was starting to break down about the loss of my father, but more so that my fucking brothers all of a sudden showed up and were there to help out...

This is where I emotionally had to find a way to gain control, and the first thing that popped into my mind was to cut my arm and have the pain get me back into control.

Or...

To take several pain pills and try to "gain control".

I did take one pill.

I've never had a problem with my meds and the doctor has but that would've been normal for me as I'd been taking 4 a day as needed by the doctor

Texting with my sister, she drove to where I was walking and picked me up.

Where will I be in a few weeks?

I don't fucking know, but I do know that I am going to help our Mom get things cleaned up, and help my sister get back to a semblance of normal  for her own life.

Our mom needs to be in a assisted living facility where they can help her throughout the day as she needs it.

Not sponged off of by my major asshole brother who lives with her.

I saw it coming... It still doesn't mean it's not FUBAR.

I don't know if I previously posted my thoughts about wanting to retire and actually hoping it happened, in some sort of secret, good way.

I didn't actually retire, but I was retired, if you will.

My employment with my company after almost a full 20 years has been ended.  I didn't do anything to warrant getting laid off, except I think I did... sort of.

I was laid off as part of a reduction in force, which is better than just getting fired.

It means that I was laid off with approx 6 months of pay and benefits, and they had to cash out all of the paid time off I accrued.

Now, I wasn't trying to get laid off on purpose, but I wasn't trying as hard as I might have been able to.  Although, I was trying damn hard to keep my job.

I dunno, it's hard to say.

With sleeping problems due to bipolar and arthritis that was #1 against me working really well.  Then #2 the heavy use of opiod pain killers.  I'm not addicted to them, wherein I'm not taking them for any sort of  a buzz or high.  I need them physically due to the pain.

I know when I no longer need them for pain, I'm going to have emotional problems weaning away from them, because of all the years that I've been taking them.

Then again I might not.

So here's the skinny of the work situation:

• I was not trying to get laid off on purpose.
• I was having problems working due to pain & bipolar sleep patterns.
• Emotionally, I was cracking because of the problems with sleep, etc.
• I needed to get away and take a break from things and taking vacation time wasn't going to be enough.
• Knee replacement was a HUGE deal with me.  (See sleep & emotional notes above.)
• If there was going to be a reduction in force, I was considering telling my manager to put me on the list...

See, I didn't want to be laid off, but I wasn't going to discourage it if it came to it.

When it comes to a business decision, it was what I was expecting.

I'd seen this same behavior before from this employer.

Their budget is too high and they need to reduce, this is how they do it:

1. They look at the top level/higher paid groups.
2. If they see that they have "too many" individuals that are on a team, they skim them off.
3. Managers are more expendable than grunts.
4. IT and other infrastructure staff are expendable.
5. By cutting higher level managers/staff, more grunt positions can be saved and customer facing work doesn't "change".

Well, I was a developer for a Tech Support tool, and they saw "too many" in the USA that were employed.

As a developer though, once you come up with a working concept and the infrastructure is in place, they can outsource your code and project to India and can your ass.

In truth, I was glad to get laid off, and I'm not worried about the future in any sort of sense.  I'm at peace with things and I expect to pick up the pieces and keep going.

Well...

I suppose that there is to say about the work situation.

My first knee surgery is coming up next week.

I'm excited to get it fixed...

but I'm also a bit anxious... I want it to be successful... Not the recovery, but the whole procedure, where they put me to sleep and then the cutting/shaping.

OK, it's not the cutting.  It's just the scenario that I might not wake up.

I don't want to leave my family yet.

I love them.

Open up and say ahh.

Well...

I am actually sad...

but...

I'm glad...


Recently, I've been having more mental health crisis problems than I have in a long time.

Ellie's also been riding my ass about taking days off from work.

I feel that I am taking advantage of my employer by "working" and not doing anything.

Doing that, hasn't been helping me because I don't want to do my job because all I do is sit there at that computer and don't do anything.

So...

Open Up and Say Ahh...

Today, Ellie and I continued a "discussion" we were having last night.

I stopped "working" and laid on the bed crying because I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Come on, any of you with depression or bipolar understand that when you're not feeling very good, you often don't know what wrong.

Anyhow, we finally decided together, because it was so late, that I should go downtown to the mental health care center/hospital.

It was really fucked up.

When they admitted me so that I could talk with them, I was lead into their locked environment, and asked to change into the "safe" paper hospital clothes.

Now, I told them I wasn't suicidal, etc.  Even though, I was kind of tempted a little bit, but I wasn't going to do anything.

So, I had to get into their scrubs...

They were monitoring me, and when they had all of my clothes, but my undershorts and socks, I said out loud, why didn't you take my socks too?

A short time later, one of the nurses came over and swapped out my socks.. well, duh!?

Their fucking camera/monitoring system works, right?

Oh well.

While I was in their room, I could hear some kid out there singing the alphabet song, then the Elmo song, etc...

That was sucky.

Then I also was getting pissed because they took my clothes, and I began to look around and see what was setup.

They were pretty thorough.

The benches I was on, were bolted down to the floor.  The lights in the ceiling were screwed shut, as was the light fixture.

What they didn't account for was that their "safe" clothes...

even though they were "paper", they were sewn up with thread.  They were strong enough, I could've rolled them up and hung myself.  Along with the thread, I could've used it for cutting my wrists, etc.

Oh well...

I'm sure I just kicked myself in the crotch for admitting it here.

Well, if I didn't write things how I see them, then how else will anyone see it too?

I was released after discussing how messed up my sleep patterns have been and that Ellie's been riding my ass so much.

What I'm supposed to do now is to start Zyprexa and try increasing it to 10 mg from the 2.5 I have now.

Well...

I took all of my meds, including the 2.5mg of Zyprexa...

Now I'm getting tired, and perhaps this will really help me out.

I needed the help.

I'd rather not go back ever again...

I have to write this down before I leave.

This last week, I've started to have that fight or flight type of feeling, with my heart racing off/on.  Or at least it feels like it's racing.

It was also because of the depression and anger from my cancel knee replacement.

The last few days, I've taken half of 25mg of Seroquel at night.

I know, I know, I know.

It messes with my blood pressure, but it's the only thing that can calm down what's happening to me.

Today, I'm going out to Ellie's folk's house with the Misses.

Ellie's mom asked for some help with her computer.

Well, I asked for the computer to be here, so that I can backup/image the drive.

Then I could start work on it...

Or

Get it ready to do a system restore, patch & upgrade everything, then restore her individual files.

She didn't want to do that.

She "needed" her data there too much to let me have it.

Well, I'm not certain what's up her butt about it... but there is.

Of course, she's still acting cold towards me...

That is...

Until she needs/wants something from me.

Then she's all buddy/pal/pal with me.

Well, I am still having trouble with the fight or flight problem...

AND

I've had a nasty sinus attack in the last hour.

The last few days I've been battling a nasty cold.

Today, I thought I'd use a sinus rinse with a nose "douche" to wash out my sinuses.

I got a lot of green goo out, but it also triggered my sinus attack.

Just now, I'm starting to feel better, but that's probably from the pain killer I took and the Claritin.

Which means it's more than likely allergy related and not a cold.

Or perhaps it's a sinus infection.

Or perhaps, again, what got washed up into the upper sinuses that's causing the pain finally moved/released/drained/etc.

I just hope that whatever is giving me the fight or flight is calmed down now.

It usually agitates me into an angry state and I tend to lash out.

That and I usually just become the worlds biggest asshole.

God bless, and remember this Easter that Jesus lives!

I'll have to settle for a snowball because the consistency of shit varies too much.

At the time where my surgery was canceled, I was communicating with the short term disability company and HR.

When it was cancelled, I told them to cancel things and that I'd deal with the pain until the doctors could fix it.

Well, the HR chick got a bug up her ass about the "pain", and in her effort to "help" me, she actually made things worse.

On Friday, she asked that I call.

During the call, she started into how I should fill out this form, and that form, etc.

Then she started asking for more information that I really shouldn't have given her.

It really, really felt like a fucking ambush.

Today, I really, really regret talking to her.

I told her this in an email today.

She replied and asked if she should transfer this to another person.

DO YOU THINK?

Shit.

Then I sent her a reply that the email started out cancelling the Short Term Disability, and turned into a huge mess.

My anxiety already pretty high and my emotions are really fucked up.

Hell, a few hours ago, I left a message with my shrink about the possible need to start on antidepressants again.

I asked for Zoloft, because I know that doesn't fuck me up too much.

It's been over an hour since I sent the reply and she hasn't replied yet.

I think I'm just going to ignore her for a while and see what happens.

Perhaps this chick will just drop it.

Because I really don't know how much longer I can endure this stress.

I hate being bipolar!

Being bipolar and successful is not for pussies.

Right now, I don't know how I'm surviving like I haven't been.

I am or was a successful software developer.

Seriously.

What I have going on right now, is scaring me again.

I don't honestly know where to go or what to do.

On Thursday, I spoke with a gal in HR, since she was concerned with my pain.

She pushed at me pretty hard about my working arrangements.

I'm worried by the way she was acting/talking to me.

Remember, I work from home for MANY reasons.

These days the #1 reason is because of the pain and associated lack of sleep from my arthritic knees.

The other reasons are also associated from the knees.

Should I be driving because of my pain medication intake?

Stereotypically, no.

Doctors and law enforcement don't want people driving who are under the influence of pain medication.

I'm worried and scared.

Yesterday, Ellie fed my anxiety and depression, without meaning to.

She started the conversation with, "I need to talk to you about something."

Her sister, who works at the hospital, told her in a very, very helpful way that the Surgeon we were going to see might only perform surgeries at a hospital that my insurance might not 100% cover.  That perhaps, we should call and see if this is true, then to reschedule with another surgeon who does.

After hearing it, I was very upset and almost started to cry.

So I got upset and got ready to leave.

I actually needed to go shopping to get a few things for dinner.

At the store, I really really just wanted to buy lots of food and junk to feed my anger and depression.

No wonder so many of us with mental health issues are fat fuckers.

Even today I'm worried and scared.

I know taking Xanax can help, but then I'm drowsy as all fuck.

Then it's even harder to work.

Working is a big problem for me these days again.

I just can't always seem to work.

Today, I also have an appointment with my doctor for my quarterly pain medication refills.

I invited Ellie along, and now I don't think I wan her there.

I really want to ask the doctor for something to help me focus on work.

I'm really having a hard time focusing.

Even when I take caffeine, sugar, etc. to try and boost my alertness, I can't seem to work.

These days, I'm thinning out, but it's also because it's driven by emotions.

Well, I'm off to try and work some more...

I'm a bit anxious... but I don't know why...

Ellie and I have a great relationship...

I think.

I mean, I love her and she says she loves me.

But today, I'm anxious about it.

It's probably nothing...

...again...

It's only founded on the idea that she might not want the Misses here after I return home from the surgery.

I'd like to have them home on the Friday or Saturday after the surgery is over.

I want to see and spend time with my girls.

Granted, it might only be for watching movies, but perhaps we can dye our Easter eggs that day.

We like to do silly stuff like that.

In fact, I'd like to take them out today to shop for our Easter dying kits, just to see what is out there.

I've made up my mind...

I'm going to take them out after I pick them up from school today to look for the dye kit.

Maybe it'll be a local pharmacy chain, because Wal-Mart & the other store we go to in town have basically the same kits.

The pharmacy usually has different things, and more novelty items.  That and they'll have seasonal treats that we'll buy as part of our monthly treat "program".

Big Miss and I started this tradition last year.

We decided that we were going to go out once a month when I pick her up on Weds' early release day and get a treat.

It could be ice cream treat from DQ or a milk shake from the local burger joint... or some sort of candy treat from the stores we shop at those days.

So today, I think it'll be something from the pharmacy when we pick up the egg dying kit.

As for Ellie and I...

It's probably nothing at all...

I just don't like it when she starts talking to her parents about when/where the Misses might be/go without talking to me first.

I just love being with my daughters.

Just as much as I love being with Ellie.

It helps me to be calm and strong.

Even though, in the past, before I got help & treatment for Bipolar Disorder, I was a complete asshole at times.

I love them all.

This was my first time, and I'm nervous...

On Friday, I returned my old corporate laptop after I wiped the disk with a DOD standard wipe.

I went into the foyer and asked the receptionist to see if one of the "IT" guys would come down and pick it up, because I couldn't walk very well.

Without going into great detail, she essentially embarrassed me and forced me to walk part way down to deliver this laptop.

I'm pretty pissed and upset about this.

Today was the first time that I've ever submitted a harassment complaint through my manager to HR.

The boss said I should've gone to HR directly, but since I got him involved he had to take action and asked me to email summary.

I did this, and now I'm not sure WTF will happen.

I know this person didn't do it on purpose...

but dammit...

Why should all of my disability circumstance information be given to a security guard?

Why wouldn't this person offer to just have me sit...

Instead, she started giving me a bit of crap because I wanted to sit down on a chair with arms, instead of a couch where the arms are too far apart for me to use...

Wish me luck...

I guess.

Manual Entry - Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Finally sitting down fro a bit.  Dammit! I need to get the suit coat done.

Yesterday, I was a bit of a mess.  I started OK, but I started to look at what needed to be done and I started to panic.  I had almost everything under control except that I didn't know I had an eye exam at 2:15, which is before the girls get out of school.

The doctor office said I could be late, so we arrived @ 2:40.  Afterwords we went home to have the kids do homework and ate the left over pizza for dinner.

Today was even crazier, at least I didn't freak out and need to take a Xanax, like Monday before the Dr. appt.

After stopping work, drove kids to school for literacy night, then to dance classes then to church activity.

I took the Dark Tower VII with me and read during dance class and practiced banjo during church activity.

Man, I need to practice playing more.  My fingers need the work out.

I haven't taken any Ambien since Sat. night.  I don't like to take sleeping aids when home alone with the girls.

Last night or should I say this morning my hips hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep for an hour or two, around 1:00AM.

I should've taken something for pain but, I didn't and I didn't sleep for a bit because it hurt so bad!

Tonight, I'll take something for pain if I need to, but it often wakes me up and I can't sleep anyway, at least the pain will fade faster.

Manual Entry - Monday, May 7, 2012

Dr. Bxxxx ordered that the Seroquel be stopped.  Gave me some Xanax for the pain/anxiety.

I know that I didn't sleep well that night either.  My legs & head hurt and the Xanax didn't put me to sleep.  I slept for 3-4 hours before getting up and starting work.

We saw Dr. Txxxx on the 3rd.  He really only seemed to think that I was depressed after talking to Ellie.

He didn't think much of the Xanax from Dr. Bxxxx, but it did help calm me down.  I don't use it much though.

Ellie and the girls left Friday afternoon for their trip.

My Uncle and I watched "War Horse" and I stayed up watching a "House M.D." dvd.

Dr. Txxxxput me on Venlafaxine ER, 75mg.  1 for 3 days then 3 every day/morn.

Weekend w/o Ellie & girls was good.  Except that I didn't sleep well Friday night.

Actually, here's what happened Friday:

I got up by 5:30 AM & started work.

I also started process of backing up Ellie's H.D.

I worked till around 9:00AM and felt so tired and didn't really do anything that I went back to bed and slept till 1-3PM.

That night after hours of TV, I couldn't sleep, so I went to work and really got a lot done.

I stopped @ 3:00AM Sat. morn.

Sat. I got up around 8:30AM, cleaned the garage a bit, put up another shelf and organized the tumbler grit.

I also sorted out the tire weights from the local tire company, I got for making bullets.

While doing it I got an idea how to mount my banjo & resonator.

I bought screws for it then felt really tired and took a nap.

When I got up, I started thinking about the banjo and changed my mind again and bought some different screws.

I worked on the banjo till it was done and went to bed around 9:00PM.

Today, Monday, I felt kind of on edge.  Not fight or flight or nervous.

Rather, I felt on the verge of crying off and on all day.

I don't know why.

Maybe this Venlafaxine ER. wasn't working yet.

I got a lot of work done, caught up on my documentation for work, despite this problem.

Maybe I should use the Xanax?

For now, I will practice my banjo and rest.

I feel the need to apologize to almost everyone and to hug people.

Even my coworkers.

I don't know why.

Manual Entry - Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Thursday afternoon, Ellie called the family Dr. and told him about my problems and that I had mentioned taking myself out.

I was still feeling like I was in a fight or flight mode then.

Ellie told him about this and we made an appointment early the next day.

At the appointment, we all agreed that Cymbalta wasn't working well.  The prior day, Weds. I left a message that I felt I was losing my mind and that I didn't want to ER, on this Dr.'s voice message.  The Dr. took most the appointment to explain about the med & apologize even though he never said it.  I could feel he was trying to apologize without saying it out right or maybe he seemed to be begging for forgiveness.

Thursday night, I still attended the banjo class, and part way through, I got a severe urge to leave and I was starting to heat up.  I managed to hang on and enjoyed the class.

I seem to be all over today, but a lot has happened since my last entry.

To sum up the Dr. Appt, the Dr. dropped my Cymbalta dose to 30mg and started me on Gabapentin.  One 300mg capsule at night.

I saw around the day on Friday, and didn't work at all, but I did stitch up a couple of bags out of rabbit fur.  I wanted one to store my finger picks in.

Saturday I felt better but not 100% yet.

I helped Ellie load and unload our trailer with sawdust 6 times.  During this I took a small break to help the missionaries out.

The missionaries' teaching appointment turned out to be a no show though.

Sunday, I was feeling much better and went to church.  Told the Bishop that I'd take the calling to be a Ward Missionary.

Monday, I was working pretty well and got more work done that day than I had in weeks.

Today, I got even more done and for the most part felt pretty darn good.

I haven't showered yet, but that was so that I could start work early today to finish what I started Monday.

The module I had been working on, is all wrapped up except for the data views to be used by Tech Support.

During this time, my head has hurt and I've taken pain meds, but the constant feeling of shit & being fucked up is almost gone now.

-- call and setup appt with Dr. T(asshole shrink)

Manual Entry - Thursday, April 12, 2012

Sometime yesterday around noon I felt accelerated.  I did have some caffeine, but I never had this happen EVER!

I was to keep working until 4:00PM, but I stopped at 1:00PM and laid down until I got my daughters from school.

I tried to work again, but felt really jumpy.  Finally, I stopped, got Ellie alone for a bit and told her about my problem.  She told me to just lay down and try to rest, not even try to read.  So I laid there for almost an hour, I think, and I wasn't sure if I slept or not until close to 6:00pm.

The feeling continued all night.  We went to bed around 10:00pm, but I couldn't sleep.

I put on my headlight and read till close to 1:00AM.  During this time, I felt I could best describe this sensation as "Fight or Flight."

So when I awoke, mostly by Ellie turning on the lights & T.V., I still felt this sensation.

I did shower and shave, and only took 1 Cymbalta.  I want to blame it for my problem.  I really don't have a fucking clue why I feel like this.

I cried a bit up in my  office, but I don't know why.

Right now my head hurts and I'll take a Percocet soon.

I feel like crying and hiding somewhere dark and quiet, but I probably won't today.

I NEED HELP!

I love Ellie! General bitching, and WTF is a post from June 2015 so popular?

Last night Ellie and I had a bit of a tiff.

Nothing bad.

No yelling, screaming, nor anything that I hear from others who argue.

I made dinner for the Misses and myself.

It was sausage gravy with mashed potatoes, beets for Big Miss, Ellie and myself.  Little Miss doesn't like beets, so I was expecting her to eat spinach, which she loves.

Well, Ellie's targeted diet is towards vegetarian/vegan.

She didn't want to eat the food with the rest of us, because of the meat...

But...

Instead she pulled out these yummy pasta shells & cheese from Schwans.

They're full of cheese/dairy and fat.

Cooked them all and was about to eat them all.

I got pissed and told her that I was confused that she was being a hypocrite in her diet...

She'd eat the dairy/cheese/fat like that, but wouldn't eat the food with minimal amounts of dairy/fat/meat.

The ratio of sausage to the rest of the food was very little.

We got into the discussion of how to adapt the diet she's targeting with the diet the rest of us are eating.

It's important that we share and plan out our meals so that we can satisfy everyone without going back to a diet with very little veggies and fiber.

So, we got a vegetable soup all made up and into the crock-pot, which I turned on this morning after adding some Quinoa to it.

Last night, Ellie and I skipped our new regular "intellectual discussions", because it was getting late...

Unfortunately, it turned to the pain in my knees because it hurt like hell trying to sleep.

Our encounters help, because I participate heavily despite the knee pain.

It seems the endorphin's & what not really help to deal with the pain during and last for a while after.

The pain though is really bad, and I started into my blue funk state because it hurts no matter how I lay on it.

Rather, I can lay on my back without too much pain, but when I need to move, it really, really hurts.

It feels like ground hamburger in there with 3/4 minus gravel mixed in.

When moving the knee, it grinds the gravel further into the hamburger of the knee joint & bones, and hurts something awful.

I complained that there wasn't anything else that modern medicine could do, because I've done it all.

1. I lost weight.
1. Almost 50 pounds from my heaviest a few years ago.
2. Another 20 pounds since October.
2. I exercise the knee.
1. I use a small exercise ball and resistance band.
2. I continue to walk when it's not too awful, which is still an 8+ on the pain scale.
3. I cannot take NSAIDs.
1. I pee blood.
2. They cause me diarrhea. 
3. They contribute to my kidney stones
4. I have done cortisone injects.
1. Done in both knees multiple times.
2. Had it in my hips just before Christmas without success.
5. My use of opiods for pain only masks the pain.
6. Knee braces don't help, because they cannot change the pain caused by just the movement of the knee.
7. The left knee is the one that feels like gravel infused hamburger.
8. My right catches and pops with almost every step.
1. The catching gets worse the more I walk.
2. The pain also gets worse the more I walk.

I used to only take 1 of my "breakthrough" pain pills a day or less.

This lead me to a large reserve. (Almost 2 months extra!)

Recently, because of my pain severity, I've been using all 3 of my allotted "breakthrough" pills a day.

Even worse, I've started to use more than the 3.

Earlier this year, I was able lower my need for the buffered pain medication, so that I had almost a month and a half extra.

I had to start using 3 of those a day instead of my normal morning/night use. (12 hour difference.)

Where is this leading with my love for Ellie?

She's my strength and anchor in life, and really understands that I am not an addict with my pain medications.

Ellie was able to help calm me down and settle the depression funk I dropped into last night because the doctors usually treat me the same... "Pat me on the head and give me another supply of prescriptions for these "hard" pain medications. Then follow up with 'sorry...'"


Now to the June 3, 2015 post..

The title of it is "and if I get melancholy, which can happen, I expect you to be my companion and solace me."

Now that I look at the content of that post, I'm not certain if it's the title or the content.

You'll just have to read it to see if it's that intriguing. (http://jaredstrider.blogspot.com/2015/06/and-if-i-get-melancholy-which-can.html)

It's been good to be... Well, you know...

Things have been really good since my last post.

Granted, I was in a mixed episode of sorts, where I was both manic and driven into a depressed state coupled by anxiety.

In other words, I was in an aroused manic state where I wanted to share myself with Ellie as only we could do together as a couple.

Then, I got depressed Thursday night when she said she was extremely tired and only wanted to sleep.

I had worked myself up really high to have intimacy with Ellie.

The next day, I was really, really tired from not sleeping and I felt that I was at fault for so many things.

I wound up taking as close to half a Seroquel as I could.

The damn thing just about knocked me completely out, and I had to stop working.

When I sat down in the recliner, I passed out for several hours.

After I woke up, I was still wound up so I took half of a Xanax and finally calmed down.

Ellie is off from work a half hour before the Misses are out of school.

She stopped by the house on Friday to get changed for her workout session, and we were both in such a state for intimacy that we ...

Well, you know...

That helped settle my freakin' mental & emotional freak out.

I believe things happened again that night.

Saturday morning things happened again, and again that afternoon I believe.

That night we were both exhausted and Ellie bruised her heel really bad, so we took a hiatus.

Sunday morning didn't stop us, neither did the afternoon, nor did the late evening session.

Needless to say, things went very well, and We feel like we're in our 20's again, and ...

Well, it's good to be ...

All I can say is that I love Ellie and we've enjoyed each other so much that we hope we can continue with everything at this rate!