This last week, I've started to have that fight or flight type of feeling, with my heart racing off/on. Or at least it feels like it's racing.
It was also because of the depression and anger from my cancel knee replacement.
The last few days, I've taken half of 25mg of Seroquel at night.
I know, I know, I know.
It messes with my blood pressure, but it's the only thing that can calm down what's happening to me.
Today, I'm going out to Ellie's folk's house with the Misses.
Ellie's mom asked for some help with her computer.
Well, I asked for the computer to be here, so that I can backup/image the drive.
Then I could start work on it...
Or
Get it ready to do a system restore, patch & upgrade everything, then restore her individual files.
She didn't want to do that.
She "needed" her data there too much to let me have it.
Well, I'm not certain what's up her butt about it... but there is.
Of course, she's still acting cold towards me...
That is...
Until she needs/wants something from me.
Then she's all buddy/pal/pal with me.
Well, I am still having trouble with the fight or flight problem...
AND
I've had a nasty sinus attack in the last hour.
The last few days I've been battling a nasty cold.
Today, I thought I'd use a sinus rinse with a nose "douche" to wash out my sinuses.
I got a lot of green goo out, but it also triggered my sinus attack.
Just now, I'm starting to feel better, but that's probably from the pain killer I took and the Claritin.
Which means it's more than likely allergy related and not a cold.
Or perhaps it's a sinus infection.
Or perhaps, again, what got washed up into the upper sinuses that's causing the pain finally moved/released/drained/etc.
I just hope that whatever is giving me the fight or flight is calmed down now.
It usually agitates me into an angry state and I tend to lash out.
That and I usually just become the worlds biggest asshole.
God bless, and remember this Easter that Jesus lives!
Showing posts with label Mania. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mania. Show all posts
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Manual Entry - Monday, March 26, 2012
Woke around 5:30 AM. Tried to go back to sleep and couldn't. Got up, dressed in shorts and went upstairs to work.
I checked on the YouTube videos from the bipolar gal I found last week. Nothing new from her.
From there, I did more research on bipolar symptoms and also remembered that my recent blood withdraw was to test the thyroid.
Turns out that my hot/cold/depression symptoms could be thyroid, although many who are bipolar are treated for both.
I still question... Am I Bipolar? My up swing moods do not happen very often unless I get into a mood to do something new or very different. I used to buy things before I got married to Ellie. Now I can't seem to get my mood up very often... Where I feel the best is usually reading fiction... some place to escape to.
I checked on the YouTube videos from the bipolar gal I found last week. Nothing new from her.
From there, I did more research on bipolar symptoms and also remembered that my recent blood withdraw was to test the thyroid.
Turns out that my hot/cold/depression symptoms could be thyroid, although many who are bipolar are treated for both.
I still question... Am I Bipolar? My up swing moods do not happen very often unless I get into a mood to do something new or very different. I used to buy things before I got married to Ellie. Now I can't seem to get my mood up very often... Where I feel the best is usually reading fiction... some place to escape to.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Was it really mania driving it or was the recent slow down another problem?
Ellie and I were intimating really frequently for several weeks.
The last few days, prior to last night, we slowed down for several reasons.
We were both really tired so we needed to sleep.
I needed to spend time with the Misses, because I hadn't been spending very much Daddy/Daughter time with them.
Yesterday I started worrying that it was due to a manic state...
I didn't want it to be from a manic state!
Dammit, I enjoy the activity with Ellie!
Yesterday, I was experiencing some pretty frequent urination.
So much that I had gone a little bit about 6 times in an hour.
After a bit of research, I realized that it was due to constipation.
With the pain in my knee sky-rocketing, I was using my pain medication very heavily over the past 3-4 days.
I also realized that I hadn't been eating the amount of fruit and vegetables that I was eating.
Yesterday afternoon, I started eating more potent fruit, juice and had some "poo potion".(MiraLax)
When Ellie returned home from work and picking up the girls, we made out for a bit and things moved.
Between the time she finished her exercise class and she returned from her meeting last night, the aforementioned "stimulus" worked and I was feeling better and the frequent piss pauses disappeared.
While we laid there, thinking that we were winding down, things wound up.
Needless to say, things happened.
The only problem, was that later on when she was asleep, the damn knee pain in the left one really nailed me hard again.
It was so bad, that I got up and took a couple of my break through pain pills.
Am I sorry because my knees hurt later on?
Hell no!
The last few days, prior to last night, we slowed down for several reasons.
We were both really tired so we needed to sleep.
I needed to spend time with the Misses, because I hadn't been spending very much Daddy/Daughter time with them.
Yesterday I started worrying that it was due to a manic state...
I didn't want it to be from a manic state!
Dammit, I enjoy the activity with Ellie!
Yesterday, I was experiencing some pretty frequent urination.
So much that I had gone a little bit about 6 times in an hour.
After a bit of research, I realized that it was due to constipation.
With the pain in my knee sky-rocketing, I was using my pain medication very heavily over the past 3-4 days.
I also realized that I hadn't been eating the amount of fruit and vegetables that I was eating.
Yesterday afternoon, I started eating more potent fruit, juice and had some "poo potion".(MiraLax)
When Ellie returned home from work and picking up the girls, we made out for a bit and things moved.
Between the time she finished her exercise class and she returned from her meeting last night, the aforementioned "stimulus" worked and I was feeling better and the frequent piss pauses disappeared.
While we laid there, thinking that we were winding down, things wound up.
Needless to say, things happened.
The only problem, was that later on when she was asleep, the damn knee pain in the left one really nailed me hard again.
It was so bad, that I got up and took a couple of my break through pain pills.
Am I sorry because my knees hurt later on?
Hell no!
Monday, January 18, 2016
It's been good to be... Well, you know...
Things have been really good since my last post.
Granted, I was in a mixed episode of sorts, where I was both manic and driven into a depressed state coupled by anxiety.
In other words, I was in an aroused manic state where I wanted to share myself with Ellie as only we could do together as a couple.
Then, I got depressed Thursday night when she said she was extremely tired and only wanted to sleep.
I had worked myself up really high to have intimacy with Ellie.
The next day, I was really, really tired from not sleeping and I felt that I was at fault for so many things.
I wound up taking as close to half a Seroquel as I could.
The damn thing just about knocked me completely out, and I had to stop working.
When I sat down in the recliner, I passed out for several hours.
After I woke up, I was still wound up so I took half of a Xanax and finally calmed down.
Ellie is off from work a half hour before the Misses are out of school.
She stopped by the house on Friday to get changed for her workout session, and we were both in such a state for intimacy that we ...
Well, you know...
That helped settle my freakin' mental & emotional freak out.
I believe things happened again that night.
Saturday morning things happened again, and again that afternoon I believe.
That night we were both exhausted and Ellie bruised her heel really bad, so we took a hiatus.
Sunday morning didn't stop us, neither did the afternoon, nor did the late evening session.
Needless to say, things went very well, and We feel like we're in our 20's again, and ...
Well, it's good to be ...
All I can say is that I love Ellie and we've enjoyed each other so much that we hope we can continue with everything at this rate!
Granted, I was in a mixed episode of sorts, where I was both manic and driven into a depressed state coupled by anxiety.
In other words, I was in an aroused manic state where I wanted to share myself with Ellie as only we could do together as a couple.
Then, I got depressed Thursday night when she said she was extremely tired and only wanted to sleep.
I had worked myself up really high to have intimacy with Ellie.
The next day, I was really, really tired from not sleeping and I felt that I was at fault for so many things.
I wound up taking as close to half a Seroquel as I could.
The damn thing just about knocked me completely out, and I had to stop working.
When I sat down in the recliner, I passed out for several hours.
After I woke up, I was still wound up so I took half of a Xanax and finally calmed down.
Ellie is off from work a half hour before the Misses are out of school.
She stopped by the house on Friday to get changed for her workout session, and we were both in such a state for intimacy that we ...
Well, you know...
That helped settle my freakin' mental & emotional freak out.
I believe things happened again that night.
Saturday morning things happened again, and again that afternoon I believe.
That night we were both exhausted and Ellie bruised her heel really bad, so we took a hiatus.
Sunday morning didn't stop us, neither did the afternoon, nor did the late evening session.
Needless to say, things went very well, and We feel like we're in our 20's again, and ...
Well, it's good to be ...
All I can say is that I love Ellie and we've enjoyed each other so much that we hope we can continue with everything at this rate!
Thursday, September 17, 2015
A little mania can go a long ways.
Well, I don't know if it's exactly mania...
I didn't sleep well last night, although I'm not thoroughly tired.
Sleep was in 1-2 hour stints and I got up today around 5:00 AM.
Getting up and out of bed that early is VERY rare for me these days.
It used to be the norm for me, prior to really getting hit by my bipolar disorder.
So was showering every morning.
Speaking of showering, I'm running into problems trying to get a shower in because the Misses are showering at night and morning.
My shower this morning shower was barely over after Big Miss got out of bed.
Good thing I didn't have the hot water on too high or Ellie would've had a cold shower.
So right now, I'm actually sitting through training, paying attention and finishing off some more owl hats for Ellie and another lady she works with in the classroom.
They'll be done soon and then I'll work on knitting some Minion ear flap hats for the Misses.
I already made one for Ellie's sister.
Well, I'm starting to feel a bit tired, but not drained.
Perhaps I'll go and do the knee & hip workout on the Wii to help out the pain in my legs... seems to help, but also to cause my hips to feel like they're on fire.
I didn't sleep well last night, although I'm not thoroughly tired.
Sleep was in 1-2 hour stints and I got up today around 5:00 AM.
Getting up and out of bed that early is VERY rare for me these days.
It used to be the norm for me, prior to really getting hit by my bipolar disorder.
So was showering every morning.
Speaking of showering, I'm running into problems trying to get a shower in because the Misses are showering at night and morning.
My shower this morning shower was barely over after Big Miss got out of bed.
Good thing I didn't have the hot water on too high or Ellie would've had a cold shower.
So right now, I'm actually sitting through training, paying attention and finishing off some more owl hats for Ellie and another lady she works with in the classroom.
They'll be done soon and then I'll work on knitting some Minion ear flap hats for the Misses.
I already made one for Ellie's sister.
Well, I'm starting to feel a bit tired, but not drained.
Perhaps I'll go and do the knee & hip workout on the Wii to help out the pain in my legs... seems to help, but also to cause my hips to feel like they're on fire.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
and if I get melancholy, which can happen, I expect you to be my companion and solace me.
After all the bullshit posts I made yesterday morning...
I finished up the damn crazy, stupid, hard, and elusive Linux binary compilation and testing.
These files finally got uploaded to our source control server.
Now to update our build & execution scripts to test & run the files for x64 & x86.
Going on...
The quote is from "Paint your Wagon" with Clint Eastwood & Lee Marvin.
I think Lee Marvin's character, Ben Rumson, might be bipolar too. Or at least has some attributes.
One of my favorite scenes of the movie is where they're bidding on a woman to marry.
Yes, I can be called a Mormon, although, I really hate that term.
Growing up, I always associated the term with hate from others.
Even today, I hate people calling me a Mormon.
Circling the Wagons back...
Today, I'm not melancholy or depressed.
In fact, last night, I started feeling pretty good/better (FINALLY!)
Now, I took a homeopathic remedy that seemed to take ALL day before it kicked in.
Today, I worry about going in an uncontrollable Manic state now...
You can try out the same Homeopathic stuff from your local health food store.
It's called Ignatia Amara
If you're going to try it out...
You can go with a full "dose" which is usually 4 of the little pills.
Now, I only take this once a day, instead of the suggested 4 times a day.
If I did take it 4 times a day, I'd probably bouncing off the freaking walls, like someone teed off a golf ball in a tile bathroom.
As it stands right now...
I feel like I'm pretty close to that state.
So tomorrow, I'll only take 2 of these little things.
I used to take only one of these, and I hadn't been taking it for almost a month.
Appears that I should always take at lease one a day.
Here's the lyrics to "Paint your Wagon" from the Simpsons:
I finished up the damn crazy, stupid, hard, and elusive Linux binary compilation and testing.
These files finally got uploaded to our source control server.
Now to update our build & execution scripts to test & run the files for x64 & x86.
Going on...
The quote is from "Paint your Wagon" with Clint Eastwood & Lee Marvin.
I think Lee Marvin's character, Ben Rumson, might be bipolar too. Or at least has some attributes.
One of my favorite scenes of the movie is where they're bidding on a woman to marry.
Mooney, there's a woman in the saloon with a baby pressed against her breast.
Wait. It ain't every day that we got a woman in Atwell's pressing her breast with her baby.
- That's right.
Clendennon, there's a woman in Atwell's pressing her breast to the saloon.
- That's right.
There's a breast in Atwell's pressing a woman against her.
- I know, and we're bidding for her.
- Ben, where you going?
Look! There's another one!
- You better stay here.
I'll kill him!
- He's a Mormon. He has two wives.
WAIT!
Jared Strider!
Aren't you a Mormon?
Yes, I can be called a Mormon, although, I really hate that term.
Growing up, I always associated the term with hate from others.
Even today, I hate people calling me a Mormon.
Circling the Wagons back...
Today, I'm not melancholy or depressed.
In fact, last night, I started feeling pretty good/better (FINALLY!)
Now, I took a homeopathic remedy that seemed to take ALL day before it kicked in.
Today, I worry about going in an uncontrollable Manic state now...
You can try out the same Homeopathic stuff from your local health food store.
It's called Ignatia Amara
If you're going to try it out...
You can go with a full "dose" which is usually 4 of the little pills.
Now, I only take this once a day, instead of the suggested 4 times a day.
If I did take it 4 times a day, I'd probably bouncing off the freaking walls, like someone teed off a golf ball in a tile bathroom.
As it stands right now...
I feel like I'm pretty close to that state.
So tomorrow, I'll only take 2 of these little things.
I used to take only one of these, and I hadn't been taking it for almost a month.
Appears that I should always take at lease one a day.
Here's the lyrics to "Paint your Wagon" from the Simpsons:
Clint & Man:
- Gonna paint our wagon,
Gonna paint it good,
We ain't braggin',
Clint & Man:All:
- Gonna paint our wagon,
Gonna paint it good,
We ain't braggin',
We're gonna coat the wood.[pause]
- They're gonna paint their wagon,
gonna paint it good,
they ain't braggin',
they're gonna coat the wood.
Lee:Women:
- I'm gonna paint this wagon,
I'm gonna paint it fine,
I'm going to use oil-based paint
because this wood is pine.
- Ponderosa Pine!
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Love in an elevator... Loving me up as i go down..... Zzzzzz
The past few days I've been more crabby, sarcastic and meaner than usual (with everyone that's not my family).
Last night, if people paid attention and listened to me, I'd probably started a fight.
Today when I got up, things were awesome and a few hours later I realized I was in a pleasant manic state...
Unfortunately, this dropped back to my nasty state again and I was actually feeling aggressive beyond control.
Months ago, I told myself I wasn't going to take Seroquel because it messed with my body pressure...
Today, I took it anyway.
Did it help me emotionally?
Sitting there waiting for her I fell to sleep.
Not a just little bit, almost a stupor.
I had a bit of a time getting alert enough to drive us home.
Luckily, speed where we live is about 25mph, so driving slowly didn't look out of the usual.
When we got home, I went to bed and slept about 6 hours.
Now I'm trying to wake up some more and might spend the entire night awake.
Lord knows I am not taking that stuff again!
Last night, if people paid attention and listened to me, I'd probably started a fight.
Today when I got up, things were awesome and a few hours later I realized I was in a pleasant manic state...
Unfortunately, this dropped back to my nasty state again and I was actually feeling aggressive beyond control.
Months ago, I told myself I wasn't going to take Seroquel because it messed with my body pressure...
Today, I took it anyway.
Did it help me emotionally?
Yes.Did it mess with my body?
Hell fucking yes!I took one tried to work a little bit more, then went to pick up my daughter from school.
Sitting there waiting for her I fell to sleep.
Not a just little bit, almost a stupor.
I had a bit of a time getting alert enough to drive us home.
Luckily, speed where we live is about 25mph, so driving slowly didn't look out of the usual.
When we got home, I went to bed and slept about 6 hours.
Now I'm trying to wake up some more and might spend the entire night awake.
Lord knows I am not taking that stuff again!
I just feel sick right now
In the throws of my minor mania this morning, I bought some candy and what not.
Ate quite a bit of it all at once, being the fat fucker that I am.
That didn't make me feel sick alone... I don't think.
My energized state moved into a hugely nasty mode.
Now I was pissed and really agitated.
After a while, I realized that I needed help, so I took a Seroquel.
Now I feel nauseated and really fucking sleepy.
Ate quite a bit of it all at once, being the fat fucker that I am.
That didn't make me feel sick alone... I don't think.
My energized state moved into a hugely nasty mode.
Now I was pissed and really agitated.
After a while, I realized that I needed help, so I took a Seroquel.
Now I feel nauseated and really fucking sleepy.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
The poisons are leaving the building...
I decided to take a shower after I got the bread bowls all baked. (Just finished dinner and they were really good!)
Whilst getting ready for my shower I started playing music on my phone's MP3 player. In addendum, I also opened the window , turned off the lights and took a cool shower.
In the midst of shaving and cleaning, I thought several things.
Since, I was going to get the eye of Horus tattooed on my left forearm... Why Egyptian? I thought about Judeo-Christian stories, figures and possible icons to use..
Here, a lesson from my religious studies came to me about the Israelites whining about not having a king. "Give us a king like other nations..."
Then I had a flash from possible meeting with friends of mine. I could just hear her giving me a small lecture about it... But not mean in any way. She just noticed it and asked about it.
Then I realized that the physical symptoms were better.
My physical symptoms usually include a sightly heightened heart rate, higher blood pressure...
Perhaps I just found a way to slow down my manic symptoms... Cool off somehow.
Taking a shower isn't always appealing to me. (See previous posts about showering)
I can't stand being cold... Maybe what used to help before, was that I used to walk outside everyday in the cold weather.
Perhaps I can go for car rides with the windows down or AC up all the way.
Whilst getting ready for my shower I started playing music on my phone's MP3 player. In addendum, I also opened the window , turned off the lights and took a cool shower.
In the midst of shaving and cleaning, I thought several things.
Since, I was going to get the eye of Horus tattooed on my left forearm... Why Egyptian? I thought about Judeo-Christian stories, figures and possible icons to use..
Here, a lesson from my religious studies came to me about the Israelites whining about not having a king. "Give us a king like other nations..."
Then I had a flash from possible meeting with friends of mine. I could just hear her giving me a small lecture about it... But not mean in any way. She just noticed it and asked about it.
Then I realized that the physical symptoms were better.
My physical symptoms usually include a sightly heightened heart rate, higher blood pressure...
Perhaps I just found a way to slow down my manic symptoms... Cool off somehow.
Taking a shower isn't always appealing to me. (See previous posts about showering)
I can't stand being cold... Maybe what used to help before, was that I used to walk outside everyday in the cold weather.
Perhaps I can go for car rides with the windows down or AC up all the way.
I've got gold fever...
That's a twofold statement for me.
If I had gold fever, then I'd have at least a single fixation on something.
If I didn't have folks fever...
Well then...
I'd have to say that I have a really bad mania going on right now. REALLY, really bad!
I'm pulled about twenty ways to Sunday... Why twenty ways to Sunday? Why not one or two hundred? Why Sunday?
I'm baking bread, getting ready for a tattoo (with Ellie's blessing.. She just wants to help me get it out of my system. If I back out... I'm only out the $15.00 deposit fee. )... I'm going to take a shower, but I'm worried about the bread since I can't smell it in the shower...
Just... Well... Very heightened and very aware right now.
Tomorrow, I'm going to see by physiatrist and if I don't tell her about the tat she won't talk me out of it. In nit sure what she can help me with... Maybe verbally being able to spew my emotions might really help out.
I've still got this damn cold thing going on right now.. Perhaps more cold medicine will feed this mania some more?
I don't feel so edgy that I can't be left alone... But it might be nice if I had good working legs that I could walk out some of this energy.
Damn now I'm cooling off and I'm getting sleepy.
Atlas's burden often seems less than ours.
I'm not able to sleep again...
Here are the possible reasons based on what's been in my history.
1. Insomnia...
Possible, although it's not always strictly inability to sleep.
2. Bipolar/mania...
Another good possibility, and more than likely. But I don't feel manic.
3. Cold medication...
Very possible, although I took it about 4 hours ago.
4. Stress and anxiety.
There is still uncertainty about work and there is a special meeting in about 6 hours.
What I found is that I can go into an insomniac state if I took Sudafed sometime after 4pm. It would push me into a manic state.
Or... Like the doctors say... I need to use my cpap machine... That's only good if you can fall asleep.
Reading doesn't necessarily help you sleep, but it does keep from getting bored.
Although, I find listening to music or a radio show often helps.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
I took Xanax and lots of X-Lax this morning. I can't get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.
I'm still worried about the job situation, but some how I feel very calm and peaceful...
Perhaps it's because I prayed and laid out my situation, concerns, doubts and fears to my Father in Heaven.
After all, I have proved his tender mercies more often than I can almost remember. Which is a lot!
Ellie can only describe my memory as "photographic". I think she's right.
It's not that I can see something and recall it back in perfect detail every time.
What basically happens, is that I manage to "record" like a video certain things that have happened.
Sometimes, when I dream, I record stuff that actually will happen to me! Not unlike Joseph, which was sold into Egypt.
Speaking of Egypt...
If you've been following my blog at all in the past few weeks, you know that I've been on an upper, manic state.
I've been thinking very strongly about getting my first tattoo... it'll be the Eye of Horus.
This is partly due to reading my favorite Rick Riordan books, The Kane Chronicles.
Here's how I think about the symbol: (From http://learningenglish.voanews.com/content/a-23-2009-03-21-voa3-83143007/130264.html Also, this is similar to what is described in The Kane Chronicles)
If I get into a "all systems go" and "I can keep from bouncing off the walls" mood again... I believe the local Tattoo parlor will get a visit from me. Since I figure it's just a matter of time, I called them and found that it should cost me $15+ to get it done. I only want it to be around 1" at the widest and to be on the forearm close to the elbow.
I want it to be visible, but also nondescript. So you see it, but don't take much notice to it.
Perhaps it's because I prayed and laid out my situation, concerns, doubts and fears to my Father in Heaven.
After all, I have proved his tender mercies more often than I can almost remember. Which is a lot!
Ellie can only describe my memory as "photographic". I think she's right.
It's not that I can see something and recall it back in perfect detail every time.
What basically happens, is that I manage to "record" like a video certain things that have happened.
Sometimes, when I dream, I record stuff that actually will happen to me! Not unlike Joseph, which was sold into Egypt.
Speaking of Egypt...
If you've been following my blog at all in the past few weeks, you know that I've been on an upper, manic state.
I've been thinking very strongly about getting my first tattoo... it'll be the Eye of Horus.
This is partly due to reading my favorite Rick Riordan books, The Kane Chronicles.
Here's how I think about the symbol: (From http://learningenglish.voanews.com/content/a-23-2009-03-21-voa3-83143007/130264.html Also, this is similar to what is described in The Kane Chronicles)
The evil Seth put out the eye of the young Horus. The mother of Horus called for help. Her cry was answered by Thoth, the god of learning and magic. Thoth, with his wisdom and special powers, healed the eye of Horus. The child was able to see again.
Ancient Egyptians used a drawing of the eye of Horus as a magic sign to protect themselves from disease, suffering and evil. They cut this sign in the stones they used for buildings, and it was painted on the papyrus rolls used for writing about medicine and doctors.
For thousands of years, the eye of Horus remained as a sign of the god's help to the suffering and sick.
Long after the fall of the ancient Egyptian civilization, doctors and alchemists in Europe continued the custom of showing a sign of the gods' help and protection.
If I get into a "all systems go" and "I can keep from bouncing off the walls" mood again... I believe the local Tattoo parlor will get a visit from me. Since I figure it's just a matter of time, I called them and found that it should cost me $15+ to get it done. I only want it to be around 1" at the widest and to be on the forearm close to the elbow.
I want it to be visible, but also nondescript. So you see it, but don't take much notice to it.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
I must be a little less nutty today... The squirrels aren't bothering me much... yet.
Yesterday, I had the hardest time trying to stay focused and on track.
I was so distracted, that I wondered the meat grinder I had would also grind up grain/wheat.
Not only did I wonder, I searched and found it!
I started searching the web for information regarding this cast iron wonder.
My extensive research, 30+ minutes, I didn't really find anything.
For some reason, more research was needed for the grinder accessory for my Kitchen Aid.
Getting back to the actual grinder that I had in my lap... I put it together with the "nut butter" wheel on it. That's when I realized that control the pressure/tension for the grinding was hard to adjust. There just wasn't any sort of spring/adjustment. Only a wing nut that held the wheel on the grinder.
Now onto, yet another, distraction... A solution for the tension of the wheel.
Thinking about it for a while, I figured that I needed to have a lock washer and a flat washer to keep the lock washer from getting caught in part of the cog.
Now that I had my solution...
I had to go back to work and get it all fixed after work, right?
Well, that's not what happened...
A few minutes later, I found myself out in the garage going through my lock and flat washers.
I suppose the good thing was that I found some that fit!
Now, I went back to work...
In yesterday's post, I was trying to edit a document and was too distracted...
What I really wanted to do with the grinder was clamp it to the counter and try grinding wheat with it.
That's right... I was that obsessed with this quest that I almost completely stopped work just to mess with a meat/grain grinder.
It was then that I realized I REALLY needed help... and I'm still not sure where to go or what to fully do.
After sitting in the recliner and dozing off/on for an hour, I pulled out my laptop that's running Majaro Linux. (It could've been any linux distro, but I found Manjaro's features better than others... and it was one of the first ones I found that worked. I also tried Xubuntu, but it was too damn picky about the older hardware.)
Getting back to the laptop (again I'm sidetracked), I looked up the homeopathic website a friend suggested. (BTW, I really thought all of those who insisted on homeopathic solutions were wackos... I guess I am one now...)
Previously, I used this same website and found Rhus Tox and Belladona which both really help my arthritis pain!
The website has this very in-depth symptom checker/analyzer, so it took me 5+ minutes to go through all of the pages.
It suggested another remedy, which I will go and pick up after the store is open this morning.
If it works out well, then expect another post with more information about it.
I was so distracted, that I wondered the meat grinder I had would also grind up grain/wheat.
Not only did I wonder, I searched and found it!
But Wait! There's more!
I started searching the web for information regarding this cast iron wonder.
My extensive research, 30+ minutes, I didn't really find anything.
For some reason, more research was needed for the grinder accessory for my Kitchen Aid.
Getting back to the actual grinder that I had in my lap... I put it together with the "nut butter" wheel on it. That's when I realized that control the pressure/tension for the grinding was hard to adjust. There just wasn't any sort of spring/adjustment. Only a wing nut that held the wheel on the grinder.
Now onto, yet another, distraction... A solution for the tension of the wheel.
Thinking about it for a while, I figured that I needed to have a lock washer and a flat washer to keep the lock washer from getting caught in part of the cog.
Now that I had my solution...
I had to go back to work and get it all fixed after work, right?
Well, that's not what happened...
A few minutes later, I found myself out in the garage going through my lock and flat washers.
I suppose the good thing was that I found some that fit!
Now, I went back to work...
In yesterday's post, I was trying to edit a document and was too distracted...
What I really wanted to do with the grinder was clamp it to the counter and try grinding wheat with it.
That's right... I was that obsessed with this quest that I almost completely stopped work just to mess with a meat/grain grinder.
It was then that I realized I REALLY needed help... and I'm still not sure where to go or what to fully do.
After sitting in the recliner and dozing off/on for an hour, I pulled out my laptop that's running Majaro Linux. (It could've been any linux distro, but I found Manjaro's features better than others... and it was one of the first ones I found that worked. I also tried Xubuntu, but it was too damn picky about the older hardware.)
Getting back to the laptop (again I'm sidetracked), I looked up the homeopathic website a friend suggested. (BTW, I really thought all of those who insisted on homeopathic solutions were wackos... I guess I am one now...)
Previously, I used this same website and found Rhus Tox and Belladona which both really help my arthritis pain!
The website has this very in-depth symptom checker/analyzer, so it took me 5+ minutes to go through all of the pages.
It suggested another remedy, which I will go and pick up after the store is open this morning.
If it works out well, then expect another post with more information about it.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Gout sucks, and life did too... Maybe I'm on the upswing... again.
I know that I'm not really over the gout... The feet & heels still hurt, but it seems more bearable, although, perhaps it more from the fact that I'm accepting it instead of fighting.
Personally, I still want to fight things, and always will be a fighter...
After all I am bipolar, and over the last weekend, I was in a manic state. I've also noticed that I don't mind spending more money and my inhibitions for doing or stopping some things is much lower.
One of the inhibitions that I really don't want them to be lower, is my sexual desires & what not... Not stopping things with Ellie, but letting go around others or having a harder time not staring/wanting to do inappropriate things. (Not illegal, but inappropriate for a traditionally married person.)
Yesterday was a fun day, and I enjoyed myself. Our Indian counter parts from the Pune Office are onsite with us here in the U.S. Some of these guys are pretty dang funny, and interacting with other developers on our project is really insightful. Many of our ideas overlap, while others bring very new & fresh perspectives.
About 1/4 of us come from various aspects of technical support from our company. I come from consumer databases, AntiVirus/Computer security, and backup technologies. Another one is also from the AntiVirus/Security real, but more specialized in the mail security systems, while we have another from the Network Security / Firewalls, etc.
Those of us from Technical Support, are all self taught. We enjoy the aspect of being able to make a computer/electronic device do what we want it to and what it is capable of. It's like that with my HAM radio & other gear.
The rest of the team, including those from India, are developers, and typically trained or carrier developers.
Speaking on HAM radio, I am a licensed amateur with a General Class license and eventually I'll upgrade to my Extra Class license.
Since I value my anonymity online, I will NEVER post my CallSign!
With a HAM callsign, you can lookup their fullname, address, etc, all through the FCC & ARRL websites.
Personally, I still want to fight things, and always will be a fighter...
Maybe I'm still in a manic state where euphoria often exists, and things seem rosy and happy?
After all I am bipolar, and over the last weekend, I was in a manic state. I've also noticed that I don't mind spending more money and my inhibitions for doing or stopping some things is much lower.
One of the inhibitions that I really don't want them to be lower, is my sexual desires & what not... Not stopping things with Ellie, but letting go around others or having a harder time not staring/wanting to do inappropriate things. (Not illegal, but inappropriate for a traditionally married person.)
Yesterday was a fun day, and I enjoyed myself. Our Indian counter parts from the Pune Office are onsite with us here in the U.S. Some of these guys are pretty dang funny, and interacting with other developers on our project is really insightful. Many of our ideas overlap, while others bring very new & fresh perspectives.
About 1/4 of us come from various aspects of technical support from our company. I come from consumer databases, AntiVirus/Computer security, and backup technologies. Another one is also from the AntiVirus/Security real, but more specialized in the mail security systems, while we have another from the Network Security / Firewalls, etc.
Those of us from Technical Support, are all self taught. We enjoy the aspect of being able to make a computer/electronic device do what we want it to and what it is capable of. It's like that with my HAM radio & other gear.
The rest of the team, including those from India, are developers, and typically trained or carrier developers.
Speaking on HAM radio, I am a licensed amateur with a General Class license and eventually I'll upgrade to my Extra Class license.
Since I value my anonymity online, I will NEVER post my CallSign!
With a HAM callsign, you can lookup their fullname, address, etc, all through the FCC & ARRL websites.
Friday, November 22, 2013
When she's right, she's right... Why do I always hear a piper today?
The other day Ellie noted that the shower wasn't draining very well anymore and it was probably due to all the long hair between her and the girls.
I also suspect that it's from our sheltie. He's got really long/wooly type of fur and Ellie gave him a bath last week.
After my shower today, I took the plunger to the shower drain, and it didn't help.
Next, I'm going try using Drano or some knock off.
If that doesn't work, then I'll pull out the drain auger/snake... Then I get to run that for a while and pull out the clog.
Usually when I pull out the clog, it's a gag type of moment. Sometimes it brings its own special odor or is a large hairball yacked up by a Yeti.
What's ever worse than the shower drain is the sink drain. That ALWAYS has a stink to it... And it's slippery/slimy. ACK!
Being a home owner brings all sorts of fun like this.
As to the piper, since my shower, I have been in a better mood, and for some reason hearing bag pipe music being belted out at high volume is pumping me up.
Of course, so is "No Church in the Wild" by Kanye West and Jay-Z.
Well, otherwise, my mood is going up, and I hope that it keeps going today, but doesn't crash tomorrow. Which would suck.
I'm supposed to help out my family & their girls club sell stuff at a church's bazaar. (Lucky me, eh?) If I'm not feeling so hot, then I know I'm going to be a cynical asshole to everyone that I meet and I'll have to bite my tongue... Even if it's not my particular chapel & faith.
To make matters even more fun tomorrow, we're doing family pictures sometime in the afternoon. After which, we're supposed to return to the bazaar to keep pimping the goods that were made.
I'm thinking about taking the Zombie Dice game with me, so that the kids and I can have something to play when/if things get really slow... (previous post about Zombie Dice & the other Zombie game I bought..)
That'll teach that religion/chapel a thing or two about my cynical nature, eh?
It's not that I want to disrespect any religion, as I have a strong belief that EVERYONE should worship God in the manner that they see fit.
I don't like it when you go into another faith's chapel and you start getting preached at. If they really want to get my attention, they won't push their religion at me. Instead they should show me courtesy and kindness.
Since I already feel that my faith is true, I really don't think that I'm going to switch anytime soon... :)
I also suspect that it's from our sheltie. He's got really long/wooly type of fur and Ellie gave him a bath last week.
After my shower today, I took the plunger to the shower drain, and it didn't help.
Next, I'm going try using Drano or some knock off.
If that doesn't work, then I'll pull out the drain auger/snake... Then I get to run that for a while and pull out the clog.
Usually when I pull out the clog, it's a gag type of moment. Sometimes it brings its own special odor or is a large hairball yacked up by a Yeti.
What's ever worse than the shower drain is the sink drain. That ALWAYS has a stink to it... And it's slippery/slimy. ACK!
Being a home owner brings all sorts of fun like this.
As to the piper, since my shower, I have been in a better mood, and for some reason hearing bag pipe music being belted out at high volume is pumping me up.
Of course, so is "No Church in the Wild" by Kanye West and Jay-Z.
See?I have a LARGE variety of different music styles, eras, etc. Classical, Heavy Metal, Rock, Rap, Big Band, Oldies, Cowboy (not country, which I usually can't stand), etc...
When I stated that I'm a music lover, I mean it.
Well, otherwise, my mood is going up, and I hope that it keeps going today, but doesn't crash tomorrow. Which would suck.
I'm supposed to help out my family & their girls club sell stuff at a church's bazaar. (Lucky me, eh?) If I'm not feeling so hot, then I know I'm going to be a cynical asshole to everyone that I meet and I'll have to bite my tongue... Even if it's not my particular chapel & faith.
To make matters even more fun tomorrow, we're doing family pictures sometime in the afternoon. After which, we're supposed to return to the bazaar to keep pimping the goods that were made.
I'm thinking about taking the Zombie Dice game with me, so that the kids and I can have something to play when/if things get really slow... (previous post about Zombie Dice & the other Zombie game I bought..)
That'll teach that religion/chapel a thing or two about my cynical nature, eh?
It's not that I want to disrespect any religion, as I have a strong belief that EVERYONE should worship God in the manner that they see fit.
I don't like it when you go into another faith's chapel and you start getting preached at. If they really want to get my attention, they won't push their religion at me. Instead they should show me courtesy and kindness.
Since I already feel that my faith is true, I really don't think that I'm going to switch anytime soon... :)
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho. - Phillip J. Fry
When you don't know what else to say, turn to Futurama. Lots of random funny stuff there.
I recently returned from seeing my shrink, "The Ogre". (His last name is similar to a famous animated Ogre)
When he found out that I cut my usage of Effexor back to 75mg of 150mg, he kind of flipped out.
Personally, I don't see why he seems to care so much about the Effexor usage.
While on 300mg for many months, I was still having so many various emotional problems before going on Zyprexa and then Lamictal.
I stressed to him today the reason for cutting back Effexor. "INTIMACY!" to get the DESIRE to get "Funky" or "Frisky" with Ellie.
That he seemed to understand.
I mean, not having the desire to lust after women & look at suggestive pictures, etc was nice... but it also hasn't been so nice when you feel you should get "Frisky" with your mate... but don't really have the desire to do anything with them in that manner.
The Ogre put me on a tapering off dosage schedule for the Effexor and put me on Viibryd...
Out of curiosity, I looked up effects of VIIBRYD & Bipolar... Looks like if this works "right", I'll be back on the manic side of Bipolar again...
I liked being on the manic bandwagon many times, but I didn't like the anger episodes & vitriol hate & venom that I often had/spewed.
Good thing Ellie loves me and if I tell her about this, she'll at least know to keep a lookout for problems with me.
"The Ogre" asked if I had further questions/comments/etc... I told him there have been times recently that I've been feeling good enough to start wondering why I took any of these drugs, aside from my pain pills. That I often have been tempted to stop taking them, but I was afraid to do that.
I feel like my memories of how I was before the medication are fading. Often it feels like I never had a problem at all and those problems were all just a "dream"...
Since I was only recently diagnosed with bipolar, I remember what it was like before my extreme emotional problems.... Now it feels like I never had the emotional problems to begin with...
Classic bipolar/depression type scenario, right? You don't feel like you have any problems anymore or that you had any problems to begin with, so why take the meds... right?
I'm going to keep moving forward with my meds... but damned if I don't feel the way that I feel right now...
I recently returned from seeing my shrink, "The Ogre". (His last name is similar to a famous animated Ogre)
When he found out that I cut my usage of Effexor back to 75mg of 150mg, he kind of flipped out.
Personally, I don't see why he seems to care so much about the Effexor usage.
While on 300mg for many months, I was still having so many various emotional problems before going on Zyprexa and then Lamictal.
I stressed to him today the reason for cutting back Effexor. "INTIMACY!" to get the DESIRE to get "Funky" or "Frisky" with Ellie.
That he seemed to understand.
I mean, not having the desire to lust after women & look at suggestive pictures, etc was nice... but it also hasn't been so nice when you feel you should get "Frisky" with your mate... but don't really have the desire to do anything with them in that manner.
The Ogre put me on a tapering off dosage schedule for the Effexor and put me on Viibryd...
Out of curiosity, I looked up effects of VIIBRYD & Bipolar... Looks like if this works "right", I'll be back on the manic side of Bipolar again...
I liked being on the manic bandwagon many times, but I didn't like the anger episodes & vitriol hate & venom that I often had/spewed.
Good thing Ellie loves me and if I tell her about this, she'll at least know to keep a lookout for problems with me.
"The Ogre" asked if I had further questions/comments/etc... I told him there have been times recently that I've been feeling good enough to start wondering why I took any of these drugs, aside from my pain pills. That I often have been tempted to stop taking them, but I was afraid to do that.
I feel like my memories of how I was before the medication are fading. Often it feels like I never had a problem at all and those problems were all just a "dream"...
Since I was only recently diagnosed with bipolar, I remember what it was like before my extreme emotional problems.... Now it feels like I never had the emotional problems to begin with...
Classic bipolar/depression type scenario, right? You don't feel like you have any problems anymore or that you had any problems to begin with, so why take the meds... right?
I'm going to keep moving forward with my meds... but damned if I don't feel the way that I feel right now...
Friday, November 15, 2013
Somebody, help me! (Jump in the line, rock your body in time) - Harry Belafonte
Today is a good day so far...
EXCEPT...
Well, earlier prior to Ellie and the girls going to school, I mentioned bringing my Zombie Dice game with me to tonight's Bingo/Fundraiser for the girls' club.
Ellie went nuts on me! All about how I would bring the Kindle or puzzle books or the game and just ignore everything else around me!
Well, I don't ignore everything around me, but I am just not very outgoing, so I tend to remain in my shell.
If my nephew(s) are there, then I'll play Zombie Dice with (him/them)... if Ellie doesn't jump down my throat or their moms' don't jump down theirs.
I'm a bit of a devious guy, and I can play bingo and another game or read a book at the same time...
Bingo is just a boring ass game, and if the people who're reading the numbers/etc are really slow, then I get REALLY bored.
Not even the "thrill" of winning stuff gets me to ignore everything else.
Although, there will be some cool gift cards & other stuff to win. Perhaps I'll get a really bad migraine/headache before we need to leave, and I'll stay home and do what I want to...
Tomorrow, Ellie and I are going out as dinner for her birthday. Her actual birthday is on Wednesday, so we're going out tomorrow instead of trying to do it on a work night.
I'm going to the shrink on Weds. anyway. So if I get some crap from him, then I won't carry it onto dinner.
For the fundraiser, I'm disappointed with Ellie. Several weeks ago, she bought a shit load of tomatoes and "alligator tails".
(What my dad's brothers used to call avocados.. Now that I think about it, he never referred to his brothers as my uncles... I mean, that's what they are, but he never said "Uncle Bob" or "Uncle Joe". Just "my brothers").
Getting back to the produce purchase, all of those food spoiled and rotted, obviously. Since they were purchased several weeks prior to being used, they would spoil.
So, now we poured out a bunch more money to buy additional food stuff.
I'm getting really frustrated with Ellie in regards to money. If stuff goes bad or she feels the need to get things, then she just goes "Oh well" and buys new stuff. If it was me, I would actually wait to buy the food and say "Wait a sec. Do we need to buy that stuff now, or can it wait?"
With my hypo-mania swings, I occasionally go into a bit of a spending spree or a "I want that" spree. It's not a "HOLY SHIT, I got to spend!"
My "I wants" aren't very expensive, generally, but they can get frequent, which doesn't help preserve our cash inflow.
I worry, as we have several thousand dollars from my uncle's estate when he passed on, that will probably get spent REALLY quickly this Christmas...
Several years ago, when we didn't have much, we got various donations from people at church. We had $200 cash and several $100 gift cards! All of it and MORE was spent like water!
I'm very disappointed that we couldn't just curb our spending, instead of just spending and spending!
Ellie gets very mad at me for being so cautious with spending/saving process.
She wants to know why our bills aren't getting paid off faster and why we don't always have excess cash... well that's why! Ellie just spends too much.
With how her "monthly" mood swings go, I wonder if she isn't bipolar too.
You know.. this week as I've been reading posts and interacting with other bipolar people, I often wonder if I really am bipolar...
I also wonder what would happen if I stopped my meds...
It's a scary thought and I know that Ellie would totally flip out if I stopped the meds and my mood swings returned and my sleeping went ape shit again.
Falling to sleep is getting harder and harder these days... As I noted yesterday, it's hard to fall to sleep due to my body going tense after I relax it.
Last night, I couldn't really sleep and I was going to read for a bit, but I had my cat, Long-Tail, laying on me. If I turn over, she jumps off and goes away. I like her enough to just "hold still", plus her fur is very luxurious and soft for a shorter haired cat.
So, for work today, I'm in a good mood and I'm starting to turn out the code I need in good spurts and I can see what I need to do in my mind.
Most of that is that I spent & wasted time this week researching all the various cases that I need to code around.
So, I'm going to stop here and get back to work, since I've been wasting enough time this week.
EXCEPT...
Well, earlier prior to Ellie and the girls going to school, I mentioned bringing my Zombie Dice game with me to tonight's Bingo/Fundraiser for the girls' club.
Ellie went nuts on me! All about how I would bring the Kindle or puzzle books or the game and just ignore everything else around me!
Well, I don't ignore everything around me, but I am just not very outgoing, so I tend to remain in my shell.
If my nephew(s) are there, then I'll play Zombie Dice with (him/them)... if Ellie doesn't jump down my throat or their moms' don't jump down theirs.
I'm a bit of a devious guy, and I can play bingo and another game or read a book at the same time...
Bingo is just a boring ass game, and if the people who're reading the numbers/etc are really slow, then I get REALLY bored.
Not even the "thrill" of winning stuff gets me to ignore everything else.
Although, there will be some cool gift cards & other stuff to win. Perhaps I'll get a really bad migraine/headache before we need to leave, and I'll stay home and do what I want to...
Tomorrow, Ellie and I are going out as dinner for her birthday. Her actual birthday is on Wednesday, so we're going out tomorrow instead of trying to do it on a work night.
I'm going to the shrink on Weds. anyway. So if I get some crap from him, then I won't carry it onto dinner.
For the fundraiser, I'm disappointed with Ellie. Several weeks ago, she bought a shit load of tomatoes and "alligator tails".
(What my dad's brothers used to call avocados.. Now that I think about it, he never referred to his brothers as my uncles... I mean, that's what they are, but he never said "Uncle Bob" or "Uncle Joe". Just "my brothers").
Getting back to the produce purchase, all of those food spoiled and rotted, obviously. Since they were purchased several weeks prior to being used, they would spoil.
So, now we poured out a bunch more money to buy additional food stuff.
I'm getting really frustrated with Ellie in regards to money. If stuff goes bad or she feels the need to get things, then she just goes "Oh well" and buys new stuff. If it was me, I would actually wait to buy the food and say "Wait a sec. Do we need to buy that stuff now, or can it wait?"
With my hypo-mania swings, I occasionally go into a bit of a spending spree or a "I want that" spree. It's not a "HOLY SHIT, I got to spend!"
My "I wants" aren't very expensive, generally, but they can get frequent, which doesn't help preserve our cash inflow.
I worry, as we have several thousand dollars from my uncle's estate when he passed on, that will probably get spent REALLY quickly this Christmas...
Several years ago, when we didn't have much, we got various donations from people at church. We had $200 cash and several $100 gift cards! All of it and MORE was spent like water!
I'm very disappointed that we couldn't just curb our spending, instead of just spending and spending!
Ellie gets very mad at me for being so cautious with spending/saving process.
She wants to know why our bills aren't getting paid off faster and why we don't always have excess cash... well that's why! Ellie just spends too much.
With how her "monthly" mood swings go, I wonder if she isn't bipolar too.
You know.. this week as I've been reading posts and interacting with other bipolar people, I often wonder if I really am bipolar...
I also wonder what would happen if I stopped my meds...
It's a scary thought and I know that Ellie would totally flip out if I stopped the meds and my mood swings returned and my sleeping went ape shit again.
Falling to sleep is getting harder and harder these days... As I noted yesterday, it's hard to fall to sleep due to my body going tense after I relax it.
Last night, I couldn't really sleep and I was going to read for a bit, but I had my cat, Long-Tail, laying on me. If I turn over, she jumps off and goes away. I like her enough to just "hold still", plus her fur is very luxurious and soft for a shorter haired cat.
So, for work today, I'm in a good mood and I'm starting to turn out the code I need in good spurts and I can see what I need to do in my mind.
Most of that is that I spent & wasted time this week researching all the various cases that I need to code around.
So, I'm going to stop here and get back to work, since I've been wasting enough time this week.
Monday, November 4, 2013
In and out... up and down...
I think my body/brain is trying to go into hypo manic states again.
Over the weekend (Friday & Saturday), I took Ambien to help me sleep, and I slept pretty darn good.
Last night, I didn't take anything, so that way I could wake up for work OK.
Well, I went to bed around 9:30-ish... Woke up around 12:00, fell back to sleep only to wake up completely alert at 2:15. When the clock hit 2:30, I got up, took a nice hot bath, shaved, etc.
Finally it was 3:00 and I got dried off, dressed and try to start work.
An hour of sitting here, I realized that I was dead tired and not good if I tried to force myself awake.
Well, I went back to bed. Got back up around 8:00 and now here I am. Feeling tired and dragging my ass around like it's a saggy diaper dragging on the ground, threatening to burst open any moment.
Recently though, I've been feeling nauseated and have dry heaved once, pretty good. Nothing came out, obviously, because it was a DRY heave.
Saturday afternoon, my niece's volleyball team won their league's #1 position for the season! Good for her!
Finally got Zombie Dice to my nephew for his birthday. It's a pretty fun game to play and very easy. Unlike other games where you're trying to take down zombies, you're the Zombie trying to get brains without getting completely blown away by shotguns and your turn ends.
I bought another Zombie game at the same time I bought Zombie Dice... but alas, I haven't played it yet, and I cannot remember what it's called. It's downstairs on my dresser and I'm not hiking my butt downstairs just to put it here in my blog.
Ellie has a meeting tonight with her fraternal organization, so I thought I'd take the girls with me to Wal-Mart to shop for yarn to make them some new fingerless gloves.
They love them, and want new ones made now, as they've grown out of their old ones. They're pretty small and very cute to look at now.
I also think that we'll play Zombie Dice and possibly the new Zombie game, which is the reverse roll of Zombie Dice. You need to go 16 blocks and take out Zombies along the way.
Ok, since you asked for it, and I was curious about the name of the game, I used Google to search for the game.
It's called Zombies!!! Roll Them Bones!
Looks like a pretty easy game to play as well, so the girls and I might play that as well, if their homework is done and showers are done too.
Well, I'm done and I need to try and do some work again today.
Over the weekend (Friday & Saturday), I took Ambien to help me sleep, and I slept pretty darn good.
Last night, I didn't take anything, so that way I could wake up for work OK.
Well, I went to bed around 9:30-ish... Woke up around 12:00, fell back to sleep only to wake up completely alert at 2:15. When the clock hit 2:30, I got up, took a nice hot bath, shaved, etc.
Finally it was 3:00 and I got dried off, dressed and try to start work.
An hour of sitting here, I realized that I was dead tired and not good if I tried to force myself awake.
Well, I went back to bed. Got back up around 8:00 and now here I am. Feeling tired and dragging my ass around like it's a saggy diaper dragging on the ground, threatening to burst open any moment.
Recently though, I've been feeling nauseated and have dry heaved once, pretty good. Nothing came out, obviously, because it was a DRY heave.
Saturday afternoon, my niece's volleyball team won their league's #1 position for the season! Good for her!
Finally got Zombie Dice to my nephew for his birthday. It's a pretty fun game to play and very easy. Unlike other games where you're trying to take down zombies, you're the Zombie trying to get brains without getting completely blown away by shotguns and your turn ends.
I bought another Zombie game at the same time I bought Zombie Dice... but alas, I haven't played it yet, and I cannot remember what it's called. It's downstairs on my dresser and I'm not hiking my butt downstairs just to put it here in my blog.
Ellie has a meeting tonight with her fraternal organization, so I thought I'd take the girls with me to Wal-Mart to shop for yarn to make them some new fingerless gloves.
They love them, and want new ones made now, as they've grown out of their old ones. They're pretty small and very cute to look at now.
I also think that we'll play Zombie Dice and possibly the new Zombie game, which is the reverse roll of Zombie Dice. You need to go 16 blocks and take out Zombies along the way.
Ok, since you asked for it, and I was curious about the name of the game, I used Google to search for the game.
It's called Zombies!!! Roll Them Bones!
Looks like a pretty easy game to play as well, so the girls and I might play that as well, if their homework is done and showers are done too.
Well, I'm done and I need to try and do some work again today.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
It was so cold... kids were fighting for turns on the rotisserie
It was in the low 30's this morning when I got up.
BTW, last night, I decided I need something to help me sleep. Which led me to taking an Ambien last night.
I took it around 9:30 and during the time between when I took it and when it finally kicked in around 11:00, I was starting to feel very, very manic. I was seeing myself moving through source code very fast, and felt like I could connect various electrical points & ideas from place to place in just milliseconds.
Going back to the cold, I left my office window almost completely wide open last night. I'm sure the computers were happy with the cold, but at 56 degrees I'm not so certain.
Even now, with the temperature just over 60 degrees I'm actually thinking about putting on a pair of PANTS. Who knew that I'd ever think about pants at a time like this?
After all, I am "Mr. Heater" or is that "Mr. Heater, Deluxe Edition"?
I lit a candle, which will help warm the air a bit, turned on my second computer system, and started burning some incense in here. All in hopes of warming this little room.
Right now, the sun is coming through the clouds & fog, so it should warm up my little office in another hour or so. Which makes me wonder if it'll get back up into the high 70's in my office again this afternoon.
I'm pretty tired, right now, but not as tired as I was this time yesterday. So I'm actually thinking about taking Ambien again tonight to help me stay asleep tonight.
I actually thought, last night, that I was going to stay fully awake through the Ambien. I haven't done that in over a year... but the Lamictal has been helping me to not go into full hypo manic episodes.
Just opened the curtains of my office, hoping that the sun will do it's job and warm things up in here... although, through the glass of the windows.
Can't seem to stop yawning right now... Perhaps I need more O2 in my system?
I also keep thinking about these dreams/flashbacks and perhaps it's time that I start putting them together into a story and write it down. Could be interesting and again it can just be a lot of words on a page.
Well, I wish that it was raining, as it's generally much warming when its raining than when it's clear.
BTW, last night, I decided I need something to help me sleep. Which led me to taking an Ambien last night.
I took it around 9:30 and during the time between when I took it and when it finally kicked in around 11:00, I was starting to feel very, very manic. I was seeing myself moving through source code very fast, and felt like I could connect various electrical points & ideas from place to place in just milliseconds.
Going back to the cold, I left my office window almost completely wide open last night. I'm sure the computers were happy with the cold, but at 56 degrees I'm not so certain.
Even now, with the temperature just over 60 degrees I'm actually thinking about putting on a pair of PANTS. Who knew that I'd ever think about pants at a time like this?
After all, I am "Mr. Heater" or is that "Mr. Heater, Deluxe Edition"?
I lit a candle, which will help warm the air a bit, turned on my second computer system, and started burning some incense in here. All in hopes of warming this little room.
Right now, the sun is coming through the clouds & fog, so it should warm up my little office in another hour or so. Which makes me wonder if it'll get back up into the high 70's in my office again this afternoon.
I'm pretty tired, right now, but not as tired as I was this time yesterday. So I'm actually thinking about taking Ambien again tonight to help me stay asleep tonight.
I actually thought, last night, that I was going to stay fully awake through the Ambien. I haven't done that in over a year... but the Lamictal has been helping me to not go into full hypo manic episodes.
Just opened the curtains of my office, hoping that the sun will do it's job and warm things up in here... although, through the glass of the windows.
Can't seem to stop yawning right now... Perhaps I need more O2 in my system?
I also keep thinking about these dreams/flashbacks and perhaps it's time that I start putting them together into a story and write it down. Could be interesting and again it can just be a lot of words on a page.
Well, I wish that it was raining, as it's generally much warming when its raining than when it's clear.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I am going into a bit of a manic phase... again...
The past few weeks I've had a terrible sleep patterns.
I've also had a really bad cold with accompanying sinus/forehead pain. Might be allergies, but probably a cold.
Very fitful sleep, waking up fully awake, thinking that I'm going to stay awake, but I didn't stay awake.
Even when I lay down in bed, put on my cpap mask and think to myself, I'm not feeling very sleepy, I usually fall to sleep.
Last night, it didn't happen.
After almost an hour, I got up, grabbed my Kindle, and sat in the front room in my chair.
Cuddling up with my 15+ year old cat, I started reading Dracula by Bram Stoker, the classic Vampire story. This is the first time that I have read it actually. So cuddling up with that cat seemed natural. I figured that he can defend me with his claws and hideous breath.
When I think of Dracula, I don't think of it as pronounced as "Dra-Q-lah".. I think of it is "Drak-koo-lah". Why? I dunno. It might be how I think of "Calculus" as "Cow-Q-Louis".
Perhaps it's because of the first time I admitted to an Australian that I had eaten Emu before. I got laughed at. Not for eating the animal, but by pronouncing it as "EE-MOO". It's actually pronounced as "M-YOU".
I don't know why I'm feeling a bit up right now. Perhaps it's because I've been watching christian comedy videos this morning.
Who'd have thought that comedians in the past 20 years, would've been able to be funny without cursing and being offensive to religious people?
NOT ME.
It's interesting the number of people that I'm actually subscribed to on YouTube, who aren't bipolar, who have admitted that they struggle with depression.
That actually helps me to not feel "alone" when I see/hear that someone else is dealing with the same types of problems.
Although, a person suffering with depression might not really relate to someone who suffers with Bipolar.
Truly, many will understand the depression, although, they probably don't understand/get the Manic/"Up Time". (I'm a computer programmer, so "up time" makes sense to me.)
For me, "Up Time", isn't a phase where I'm:
If you can imagine all the momentum from what's going on during a manic/mania phase, it's just going the other direction.
Instead of moving really fast emotionally "up", you're moving really fast "down".
I've seen this in friends of mine who are also Bipolar. (Sally for instance)
Whenever we hit this "down time" cycle, it's very dismal and takes us awhile to get out of it. If we're lucky, we have medication that usually will help get us evened out. Might take a day or two... or more. But we can get back up and even.. if we're lucky.
Those who're "unlucky" are those who do the final deed in life without anyone there to help them.
Those who're "Semi-Lucky" are those who have someone around them realize what's going on and does something to help them. I say "Semi-Lucky", because to me these are the folks who get admitted to a hospital/psych ward.
I'm not against hospitalization, because there were multiple times I almost drove myself to the hospital to get admitted. I just don't like the idea of giving up all my "freedoms" in life to get help.
When you go some place that is trying to help you when you are having bad mental/emotional problems, the first thing they do is to remove anything on your person that you could hurt yourself or others with. Then, depending on the facility, you might have to surrender all of your clothing & effects.
For me, if I were admitted, if someone tried that, I might actually start throwing punches and getting very mean and fierce.
I may have arthritis in my knees & hips and be out of practice with martial arts fighting, but I would hit & kick harder than most of these people would expect if I wanted or didn't like a person.
Good thing for me I'm on medication that is helping me so that I don't have to worry about going into a hospital facility.
I need to go to the pharmacy to get my meds and then I think I'll have some ice cream... I haven't had any Ice Cream in several days.. *GASP*
I've also had a really bad cold with accompanying sinus/forehead pain. Might be allergies, but probably a cold.
Very fitful sleep, waking up fully awake, thinking that I'm going to stay awake, but I didn't stay awake.
Even when I lay down in bed, put on my cpap mask and think to myself, I'm not feeling very sleepy, I usually fall to sleep.
Last night, it didn't happen.
After almost an hour, I got up, grabbed my Kindle, and sat in the front room in my chair.
Cuddling up with my 15+ year old cat, I started reading Dracula by Bram Stoker, the classic Vampire story. This is the first time that I have read it actually. So cuddling up with that cat seemed natural. I figured that he can defend me with his claws and hideous breath.
When I think of Dracula, I don't think of it as pronounced as "Dra-Q-lah".. I think of it is "Drak-koo-lah". Why? I dunno. It might be how I think of "Calculus" as "Cow-Q-Louis".
Perhaps it's because of the first time I admitted to an Australian that I had eaten Emu before. I got laughed at. Not for eating the animal, but by pronouncing it as "EE-MOO". It's actually pronounced as "M-YOU".
I don't know why I'm feeling a bit up right now. Perhaps it's because I've been watching christian comedy videos this morning.
Who'd have thought that comedians in the past 20 years, would've been able to be funny without cursing and being offensive to religious people?
NOT ME.
It's interesting the number of people that I'm actually subscribed to on YouTube, who aren't bipolar, who have admitted that they struggle with depression.
That actually helps me to not feel "alone" when I see/hear that someone else is dealing with the same types of problems.
Although, a person suffering with depression might not really relate to someone who suffers with Bipolar.
Truly, many will understand the depression, although, they probably don't understand/get the Manic/"Up Time". (I'm a computer programmer, so "up time" makes sense to me.)
For me, "Up Time", isn't a phase where I'm:
- Drinking
- Doing drugs
- Going through crazed/dangerous sexual behavior
- Spending like crazy.
- Not sleeping for days/weeks.
- Racing thoughts.
- Euphoria.
- Communications with God, etc.
- Not able to sleep well or sleeping 1-2 hours before being completely awake again.
- Being in a state where I cannot shut down my thoughts to sleep.
- Being in a fight or flight mood.
- Getting extremely angry at the drop of the hat.
- Swearing uncontrollably, while being angry... or not.
- Perhaps crying for no freaking reason.
- Able to see how to take things apart & put them together again faster than normal.
- Able to Code & Work faster.
If you can imagine all the momentum from what's going on during a manic/mania phase, it's just going the other direction.
Instead of moving really fast emotionally "up", you're moving really fast "down".
I've seen this in friends of mine who are also Bipolar. (Sally for instance)
Whenever we hit this "down time" cycle, it's very dismal and takes us awhile to get out of it. If we're lucky, we have medication that usually will help get us evened out. Might take a day or two... or more. But we can get back up and even.. if we're lucky.
Those who're "unlucky" are those who do the final deed in life without anyone there to help them.
Those who're "Semi-Lucky" are those who have someone around them realize what's going on and does something to help them. I say "Semi-Lucky", because to me these are the folks who get admitted to a hospital/psych ward.
I'm not against hospitalization, because there were multiple times I almost drove myself to the hospital to get admitted. I just don't like the idea of giving up all my "freedoms" in life to get help.
When you go some place that is trying to help you when you are having bad mental/emotional problems, the first thing they do is to remove anything on your person that you could hurt yourself or others with. Then, depending on the facility, you might have to surrender all of your clothing & effects.
For me, if I were admitted, if someone tried that, I might actually start throwing punches and getting very mean and fierce.
I may have arthritis in my knees & hips and be out of practice with martial arts fighting, but I would hit & kick harder than most of these people would expect if I wanted or didn't like a person.
Good thing for me I'm on medication that is helping me so that I don't have to worry about going into a hospital facility.
I need to go to the pharmacy to get my meds and then I think I'll have some ice cream... I haven't had any Ice Cream in several days.. *GASP*