Open up and say ahh.

Well...

I am actually sad...

but...

I'm glad...


Recently, I've been having more mental health crisis problems than I have in a long time.

Ellie's also been riding my ass about taking days off from work.

I feel that I am taking advantage of my employer by "working" and not doing anything.

Doing that, hasn't been helping me because I don't want to do my job because all I do is sit there at that computer and don't do anything.

So...

Open Up and Say Ahh...

Today, Ellie and I continued a "discussion" we were having last night.

I stopped "working" and laid on the bed crying because I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Come on, any of you with depression or bipolar understand that when you're not feeling very good, you often don't know what wrong.

Anyhow, we finally decided together, because it was so late, that I should go downtown to the mental health care center/hospital.

It was really fucked up.

When they admitted me so that I could talk with them, I was lead into their locked environment, and asked to change into the "safe" paper hospital clothes.

Now, I told them I wasn't suicidal, etc.  Even though, I was kind of tempted a little bit, but I wasn't going to do anything.

So, I had to get into their scrubs...

They were monitoring me, and when they had all of my clothes, but my undershorts and socks, I said out loud, why didn't you take my socks too?

A short time later, one of the nurses came over and swapped out my socks.. well, duh!?

Their fucking camera/monitoring system works, right?

Oh well.

While I was in their room, I could hear some kid out there singing the alphabet song, then the Elmo song, etc...

That was sucky.

Then I also was getting pissed because they took my clothes, and I began to look around and see what was setup.

They were pretty thorough.

The benches I was on, were bolted down to the floor.  The lights in the ceiling were screwed shut, as was the light fixture.

What they didn't account for was that their "safe" clothes...

even though they were "paper", they were sewn up with thread.  They were strong enough, I could've rolled them up and hung myself.  Along with the thread, I could've used it for cutting my wrists, etc.

Oh well...

I'm sure I just kicked myself in the crotch for admitting it here.

Well, if I didn't write things how I see them, then how else will anyone see it too?

I was released after discussing how messed up my sleep patterns have been and that Ellie's been riding my ass so much.

What I'm supposed to do now is to start Zyprexa and try increasing it to 10 mg from the 2.5 I have now.

Well...

I took all of my meds, including the 2.5mg of Zyprexa...

Now I'm getting tired, and perhaps this will really help me out.

I needed the help.

I'd rather not go back ever again...