I've also had a really bad cold with accompanying sinus/forehead pain. Might be allergies, but probably a cold.
Very fitful sleep, waking up fully awake, thinking that I'm going to stay awake, but I didn't stay awake.
Even when I lay down in bed, put on my cpap mask and think to myself, I'm not feeling very sleepy, I usually fall to sleep.
Last night, it didn't happen.
After almost an hour, I got up, grabbed my Kindle, and sat in the front room in my chair.
Cuddling up with my 15+ year old cat, I started reading Dracula by Bram Stoker, the classic Vampire story. This is the first time that I have read it actually. So cuddling up with that cat seemed natural. I figured that he can defend me with his claws and hideous breath.
When I think of Dracula, I don't think of it as pronounced as "Dra-Q-lah".. I think of it is "Drak-koo-lah". Why? I dunno. It might be how I think of "Calculus" as "Cow-Q-Louis".
Perhaps it's because of the first time I admitted to an Australian that I had eaten Emu before. I got laughed at. Not for eating the animal, but by pronouncing it as "EE-MOO". It's actually pronounced as "M-YOU".
I don't know why I'm feeling a bit up right now. Perhaps it's because I've been watching christian comedy videos this morning.
Who'd have thought that comedians in the past 20 years, would've been able to be funny without cursing and being offensive to religious people?
NOT ME.
It's interesting the number of people that I'm actually subscribed to on YouTube, who aren't bipolar, who have admitted that they struggle with depression.
That actually helps me to not feel "alone" when I see/hear that someone else is dealing with the same types of problems.
Although, a person suffering with depression might not really relate to someone who suffers with Bipolar.
Truly, many will understand the depression, although, they probably don't understand/get the Manic/"Up Time". (I'm a computer programmer, so "up time" makes sense to me.)
For me, "Up Time", isn't a phase where I'm:
- Drinking
- Doing drugs
- Going through crazed/dangerous sexual behavior
- Spending like crazy.
- Not sleeping for days/weeks.
- Racing thoughts.
- Euphoria.
- Communications with God, etc.
- Not able to sleep well or sleeping 1-2 hours before being completely awake again.
- Being in a state where I cannot shut down my thoughts to sleep.
- Being in a fight or flight mood.
- Getting extremely angry at the drop of the hat.
- Swearing uncontrollably, while being angry... or not.
- Perhaps crying for no freaking reason.
- Able to see how to take things apart & put them together again faster than normal.
- Able to Code & Work faster.
If you can imagine all the momentum from what's going on during a manic/mania phase, it's just going the other direction.
Instead of moving really fast emotionally "up", you're moving really fast "down".
I've seen this in friends of mine who are also Bipolar. (Sally for instance)
Whenever we hit this "down time" cycle, it's very dismal and takes us awhile to get out of it. If we're lucky, we have medication that usually will help get us evened out. Might take a day or two... or more. But we can get back up and even.. if we're lucky.
Those who're "unlucky" are those who do the final deed in life without anyone there to help them.
Those who're "Semi-Lucky" are those who have someone around them realize what's going on and does something to help them. I say "Semi-Lucky", because to me these are the folks who get admitted to a hospital/psych ward.
I'm not against hospitalization, because there were multiple times I almost drove myself to the hospital to get admitted. I just don't like the idea of giving up all my "freedoms" in life to get help.
When you go some place that is trying to help you when you are having bad mental/emotional problems, the first thing they do is to remove anything on your person that you could hurt yourself or others with. Then, depending on the facility, you might have to surrender all of your clothing & effects.
For me, if I were admitted, if someone tried that, I might actually start throwing punches and getting very mean and fierce.
I may have arthritis in my knees & hips and be out of practice with martial arts fighting, but I would hit & kick harder than most of these people would expect if I wanted or didn't like a person.
Good thing for me I'm on medication that is helping me so that I don't have to worry about going into a hospital facility.
I need to go to the pharmacy to get my meds and then I think I'll have some ice cream... I haven't had any Ice Cream in several days.. *GASP*
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