WTF have I done?

Friday, I had taken off of work so that I could get a bunch of things done...

Actually, this log goes back to Thursday night. Ellie's blood pressure was dropping and then went back to normal...

See, she's been very stressed out recently... Taking on more projects and obligations than she could probably handle.

Thursday night, when we got home, the first thing she did was to call her parents, and then to go into a crying fit with them about all the things that needed to be done.

Her parents agreed to help get things done...

Turns out, on Friday, during her trip to Washington, her parents couldn't actually do what they said they'd do.

So, Ellie called a friend, Sally (They bipolar friend of ours), to see if she could do it.

This was an OK action to take, but what she didn't do was alert me that Ellie needed me to get her some stuff... Which she did via text message.

I was already to get things done, but I was also pissed at Ellie... She had stayed up all night, Thursday night, against doctor advice, and did all the bills, which I CAN DO.

So, mostly, I suppose, I was pissed that Ellie couldn't get rid of the stress or do what people who love her told her to do to relax. (Does any of this crap make sense?)

One thing that I did, which I did while I was pissed was to text Ellie and tell her that I wasn't her "house boy".

This was only because she promised my time and efforts without first checking in with me...

Normally, this wouldn't be a problem if I was working... I expect stuff like that, but the time that I got the calls/text messages, I was almost out of the house to get things done that I wanted to do. and I was delayed.

Tonight, when Ellie returned from her trip, she was a bit tense, it seemed, and so when I mentioned why I was so upset to her on Friday, she totally flipped out.

Started yelling and swearing, dropping f-bombs in front of the kids.

I don't know the full extent of why she was so damn pissed or why.

I'm still at a total loss as to why she cannot drop the problem and continue with life.

I feel totally freakin' wired right now.

I took my Zyprexa & Lamictal, pain pill & an Ambien and I'm still wired.

I feel the need to type of my thoughts though.

So, Ellie and the kids went to my in-laws house... I called there to tell them that she was coming out and to alert me when they arrived... I tried to tell my mother in law that I was going to be grateful for the procedure that Ellie was going to have as her moods, like today's, have been getting worse...
Instead I get the third degree from my mother in law, then hung up on.

I called back a minute or two later to apologize to her about even trying to bring things up.

Then her mom walked up and down me about the "house boy" comment, and I when I tried to explain why, she didn't want to hear it.

So, I told her I was going to drop it and to please let me know when Ellie and the kids arrived safely.

Well, my father in law called me and told me they arrived, and I'm at peace about that.

I called a while ago, prior to deciding to type up any of this crap, and left a message at my in laws house to tell Ellie that I loved her and that I had work tomorrow and I wasn't certain how to talk to her... I hate doing stuff like this over the phone.

I really wish that she didn't go to her parents house, as I feel her mom is what fed her into the frenzy she got into tonight.

Well, I don't know what to do as I cannot sleep and I don't feel like doing anything.

I've thought about more pills or the revolver... not because I want to die... at least not actively, nor to leave my family in a state like that.... that's just too damn selfish...

My mind is just moving faster than I like right now...

I mean, I do feel at peace, and I wished that Heavenly Father could please help me know what to do, and more importantly to also help Ellie know what to do.

We both need help, and I know Ellie needs the peace more than I do.

I dunno... I was just trying to calm her down and get her to stay, but she'd already packed the car with stuff and had the kids pack their crap too...

So, well...
I dunno.

Signing off...