I finished watching all of the videos that "Nicole" had recorded to date about her bipolar problems.
The last of these, she went off the meds and was in a hyper-manic state, kind of bouncing around.
I still wasn't doing much work and my head started hurting, so I took 1 pill and finally started figuring out how to make the Windows VSS modules work under C# & .NET.
It felt good and almost Euphoric to get started coding again.
I ate half a bag of dark chocolate M&Ms.
Before I started eating, my heart felt like it was starting to race a bit and I loved the feeling. I felt alive.
Probably why I ate so many of the M&Ms to keep the "Buzz" going.
I think back, I ate a lot of chocolate the night before too. Maybe that's why I felt better?
Also, I showered on Weds night, brushed my teeth and had relations with Ellie.
I remember lying awake and not sleeping well.
I contacted Txx, one of my coworkers, about my module and he said he'd get the import from C++ into the C# for me.
Another coworker, Cxxxx, chatted with me about some work I had been doing.
It was good to interact with them.
I often feel alone in my work because no one else on the team does what I do.
What attracted me to writing code was that I realized I see/understand patterns & automate the work for me. It also allowed me to share my knowledge with others, as a way to help them become as fast as I was.
Turns out that I was faster than maybe I should be... I guess.
Last night while tossing & turning, I dreamt in story mode. Visualizing the characters & making up the interesting dialog as I went on. The story only progressed when I was actively thought about it.
It was a sci-fi story, which I don't really write or think about much. Maybe it's a precursor to a movie or story I will read soon. This happens sometimes. I know it wasn't about my future because it didn't feel real. Whenever I feel, in my dreams, that it is real, it often comes true.
I dreamt about baby chicks in the fourth grade that all but 2 died and one was a rooster. Well all those came true. When I was a teenager, my grandma fell. My family went to visit her that night, as she only lived a few minutes from our house.
I remember as all of us kids lined up to hug her, I was the last. I bent over and gave her a hug, when I stood up, a vision was given to me. At the time, I didn't know what it was, but at her funeral months later, I saw the same scene.
When I first saw it, it was like an out of body experience. I felt as if I drifted to another world for minutes only it had been 1-2 seconds. Grandma looked at me as if she knew I had seen something and said she would be "alright". I only shook my head and said,"sure."
I just finished whipping dinner together and my head has a lancing pain through it. I took the last pain pill I could take until around 10:00 PM tonight.
I'm starting to come down from the excitement because of the pain.
Without the pain slowing me down, I can work, think & move very fast. When coding, I can see & mentally plan everything out without writing any notes! Not every developer can do that. It's like seeing everything on the earth at the same time, that you're walking down a country road. I take it back, not a walk, but riding hell-bent for leather on an off road bike!
You have to be moving as fast as your thoughts are.
Thinking back to dreams, I have other dreams that have come true, but they were already written down in another journal when I was 18 or 19. I believe Ellie has already read that one, but I am not certain.
The head pain is coming on stronger now, and my "high" or "mania" or whatever it is, is going away now. 17:37
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