I took my uncle to his chemo therapy appointment today.
He was fairly tired and forgetful today.
When he was weighed, his weight was down to 117. He's about 5'7" or so, which means he's not a healthy weight at all.
The oncologist had indicated that he's very concerned about him, and that he wanted to give my uncle a month without chemo, so that he could try and recover from the broken hip.
What stuck out to me was that he said that he was hungry, but when we stopped at a Wendy's for lunch, he could barely eat half a hamburger.
I almost broke into tears watching him, as this was a guy who was fully functional a few weeks ago, barely be able to eat now, nor show any interest in eating more.
In the past, if he could finish a sandwich, he'd wrap it up and take it with him, rather than waste it.
Today, he didn't do it.
It's sad...
I'm not necessarily depressed, but I am sad.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Oh the tales I'll tell.... I hope...
I have an appointment with my shrink on the 17th, in the morning.
If things are OK around home, I'll work from the office for the remainder of the day.
What I want to chat with him about or at least let him know about is that I keep having these flashbacks of things that I experienced.
Not all of my flashback are bad, and not all of them are good either.
Like just now, I was reliving my Jr. High School prom... I didn't want to go or have anything to do with it. Well, my mom didn't want me to miss it, so I was forced to go to the stores to buy my suit & clothes.. Then forced to get ready to go and dropped off... I DID NOT WANT TO GO!
When I got into the prom, I had my camera and just goofed off, as well as I could with my friend(s) who were there. Most of my friends weren't there because they weren't forced to go.
I'm sure some of you reading this are wondering, why didn't I run away? Well, I didn't know where to go, and when you live in a big city, it's hard to find a good "hide out", and the police patrolled the area due to a curfew put into place. Why didn't I just not go? Well, my mom is very forceful, and my dad threated use of the fucking belt!
Well... Right now, after I realized that I wasn't really there, I had to de-tense, because I didn't need to be so freakin' tense.
Perhaps I'm ready for some ice cream... that sounds good right now...
If things are OK around home, I'll work from the office for the remainder of the day.
What I want to chat with him about or at least let him know about is that I keep having these flashbacks of things that I experienced.
Not all of my flashback are bad, and not all of them are good either.
Like just now, I was reliving my Jr. High School prom... I didn't want to go or have anything to do with it. Well, my mom didn't want me to miss it, so I was forced to go to the stores to buy my suit & clothes.. Then forced to get ready to go and dropped off... I DID NOT WANT TO GO!
When I got into the prom, I had my camera and just goofed off, as well as I could with my friend(s) who were there. Most of my friends weren't there because they weren't forced to go.
I'm sure some of you reading this are wondering, why didn't I run away? Well, I didn't know where to go, and when you live in a big city, it's hard to find a good "hide out", and the police patrolled the area due to a curfew put into place. Why didn't I just not go? Well, my mom is very forceful, and my dad threated use of the fucking belt!
Well... Right now, after I realized that I wasn't really there, I had to de-tense, because I didn't need to be so freakin' tense.
Perhaps I'm ready for some ice cream... that sounds good right now...
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
A little from column A, a little from column B.
Bill Gannon: Are you stalling for time, or are you just senile?I don't know exactly how I feel today, but to say that a little from each column please...
Abe Simpson: A little from column A, a little from column B.
Last night, I felt extremely FAT.
So fat, in fact, that it looked like I was going to develop one of those damn "eaves" or "Fat rolls?". I dunno how it's called medically, except that when I see it, it looks like where the fat has decided that it's not content to live in one spot, but has decided that it's going to spill, but cannot spill forward, so it just sags the skin outward and down.
I don't have a belly like that.
I took some fiber last night, and this morning, when I got up, prior to using the bathroom, my belly looked more normal again.
So, I suppose it must've been gas & I was full of shit...
My pain meds do cause constipation, and I try to take fiber daily, but perhaps I need to do it twice daily and accept the continuous shitting.
I'm certain that it will eventually help to clear me out and perhaps, like the anorexics, I'll thin out... HA! right.
When Ellie came home from her meeting, I told her that I was concerned as I was having a harder time breathing and wiping my ass... (Yes, wiping my ass... When you have the extra weight, it's harder to reach that area... Don't worry, I'm clean, and can wipe still.) I wanted to go see the family doctor, but Ellie went off on how I was only supposed to consume xxx number of calories, etc... I told her I wasn't really ready to learn all that just before bed time, and that it was like me spouting off how to do stuff with the computers when she wasn't ready to learn it. An, "at the time", useless bit of information.
Good thing Ellie doesn't pay attention to my blog, or else she'd probably go off on how much detail I put up there... but it's detail that some people don't otherwise know or experience if they're not getting fat quickly like I am...
In the past 6 months, I've gone from around 290ish to 330ish.
That's a huge weight gain, if you ask me... but what's changed? Well, I'm at max dosage of Effexor XR (300mg). I'm also on 5mg of Zyprexa (which is still considered low)... I think the weight gain has more to do with Zyprexa than anything else.
My weight has been pretty much around 270-290 for years, and for me to breach and stay over 300 lbs, is pretty significant.
My diet hasn't really changed much from last year, and in fact, right now, I feel like I'm eating less than I was a year ago.
So what gives?
Should I stop my meds? Probably not.
If I stop my meds, I know that Ellie will completely flip out.
Right now, Ellie is in the garage loading up our trailer to go camping this weekend as a family.
I don't really know if I can handle that much stress, and worry a bit that emotionally it'll tip me over the edge.
Camping is something that my wife and her family have been doing forever, and my family only did it on occasions as it was a pain in the ass to get 6 kids ready to go.
I've done lots of overnight camp outs with my dad & brothers, and week long ventures as a boy scout.
So why are things different now?
- Arthritis
- Migraines
- Bipolar
- Sleep Apnea
Well, more to come, I suppose as the week progresses.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Push it out, shove it out, waaay out... (Bill Cosby.. A very funny fellow)
I love Bill Cosby's sense of humor, and for those of you only familiar with The Cosby Show, you're missing out on his earlier stuff from the 60's & 70's that are totally a riot!
What I'm referring to for pushing, is that Ellie and I have decided that we need to start pushing my uncle into a memory care facility, as he's not always there anymore.
Apparently, at the nursing home, he's gotten in the frame of mind again, that he needs to get into his car and get his wife out on a date, at least once.
I feel bad for him, not because he's going crazy, but that he's going to lose some of his freedom if we push him into that sort of care facility.
He's currently in a nursing home that's already under lock down with a keyed door alarm/system.
The doors cannot be opened unless you have the pass code, and if you're not aware of where the pass code is, you'll never be able to open the door. It's not hidden, it's just that it's written out in a framed "picture" next to the keypad.
I guess their memory patients aren't too keen on reading to figure that out.
What I'm driving at is that when my uncle isn't having an episode of not knowing where he's at or what time of day it is.. (i.e. when he's "sane"), what good is it for him to be locked up?
He loves to be outside and sun himself like a lizard on a rock. This isn't really like tanning, but he loves to enjoy the sunshine.
When you live in a cloudy area of the country like we do, it's nice to be able to go outside and soak up some of those rays, even if you don't want to tan. (I'd burn, I'm so freakin' white.)
So, what do you do?
Do you check a guy into a memory care area, that's locked down for his safety? Or leave him in a place to be normal in, only to have him go off the deep end, and find him hurt on a highway that he's rolled his wheel chair or walker onto?
What I'm referring to for pushing, is that Ellie and I have decided that we need to start pushing my uncle into a memory care facility, as he's not always there anymore.
Apparently, at the nursing home, he's gotten in the frame of mind again, that he needs to get into his car and get his wife out on a date, at least once.
I feel bad for him, not because he's going crazy, but that he's going to lose some of his freedom if we push him into that sort of care facility.
He's currently in a nursing home that's already under lock down with a keyed door alarm/system.
The doors cannot be opened unless you have the pass code, and if you're not aware of where the pass code is, you'll never be able to open the door. It's not hidden, it's just that it's written out in a framed "picture" next to the keypad.
I guess their memory patients aren't too keen on reading to figure that out.
What I'm driving at is that when my uncle isn't having an episode of not knowing where he's at or what time of day it is.. (i.e. when he's "sane"), what good is it for him to be locked up?
He loves to be outside and sun himself like a lizard on a rock. This isn't really like tanning, but he loves to enjoy the sunshine.
When you live in a cloudy area of the country like we do, it's nice to be able to go outside and soak up some of those rays, even if you don't want to tan. (I'd burn, I'm so freakin' white.)
So, what do you do?
Do you check a guy into a memory care area, that's locked down for his safety? Or leave him in a place to be normal in, only to have him go off the deep end, and find him hurt on a highway that he's rolled his wheel chair or walker onto?
Here we are! Born to be princes of the universe... (Highlander theme song by Queen)
I dunno much about being born as a prince to the universe.
I suppose, maybe I do, but don't.
Anyhow, it seemed like a good title for this post as I've not much else to really give as a theme.
I'm certain that there are many of you out there, if you read my posts straight through, that you'll notice that my writing style & lingo change. Often day to day.
That's just part of who I am, especially if I've been watching videos on YouTube from other english speaking countries. I will eventually pick up their accents & speaking styles enough that I start to think & speak like them. This translate to how I type up my blogs too.
It's a nice June day, and it's not very warm, but it's also not cold either. I'd say comfortable.
My youngest daughter stayed home from school today with a cold that's been bugging her. Ellie and I also found out that she was "demoted" from being one of the independent students. Her attitude has been really, really bad.
I remember, myself, when I around the same age, that I went through troubles, emotionally & what not.
I suppose that I feel for her as I wonder if she's not exhibiting signs of being bipolar or not.
Ellie discounts most of my thoughts towards this direction, but as I watch her struggle with school, I want to weep.
For me, grade school grade 6 through jr. high school, I wasn't very happy. In fact, mostly down when it came to being in school.
Very depressed when it came to school. If I was out of school, I think I did better.
Got to a point where I hated school, and I worry about my daughter. Over a month ago, she said that she's not been sleeping good and where she had problems staying to asleep.
I immediately thought of my own sleep problems with being bipolar. I don't know...
She's not quite 9.5 years old... She's already dealing with what I would call the first stages of the pain associated with bipolar & depression.
Now, I never was diagnosed as bipolar till I was 39, and I probably should've seen a doctor about my depression & other mood problems when I was 13 or years old, instead of chalking it up as a kid being lazy or what not.
I remember being yelled at by my mom for 30+ minutes at a time for my poor grades & getting office referrals & pink slips for poor marks & participation.
That didn't necessarily make me want to trust my mom with any of my secrets or things that bothered me.
She tried once, and only once, to force me to tell her about a relationship I had with a girl that I didn't want to tell her about it. She sat there arguing with me for a good 20 minutes or so, but I didn't want to tell her anything because it just wasn't her business. My brothers would've caved by then, but I was a stubborn ass.
I don't want to ever do that to my daughters, and I try to be soft & gentle as I can to help them out.
My kids will never have a "party" dad, but they'll have a dad that will take time to listen, they'll have a dad that will encourage them to do whatever their heart desires them to do.
In short, I really am just trying to live a good life...
I suppose, maybe I do, but don't.
Anyhow, it seemed like a good title for this post as I've not much else to really give as a theme.
I'm certain that there are many of you out there, if you read my posts straight through, that you'll notice that my writing style & lingo change. Often day to day.
That's just part of who I am, especially if I've been watching videos on YouTube from other english speaking countries. I will eventually pick up their accents & speaking styles enough that I start to think & speak like them. This translate to how I type up my blogs too.
It's a nice June day, and it's not very warm, but it's also not cold either. I'd say comfortable.
My youngest daughter stayed home from school today with a cold that's been bugging her. Ellie and I also found out that she was "demoted" from being one of the independent students. Her attitude has been really, really bad.
I remember, myself, when I around the same age, that I went through troubles, emotionally & what not.
I suppose that I feel for her as I wonder if she's not exhibiting signs of being bipolar or not.
Ellie discounts most of my thoughts towards this direction, but as I watch her struggle with school, I want to weep.
For me, grade school grade 6 through jr. high school, I wasn't very happy. In fact, mostly down when it came to being in school.
Very depressed when it came to school. If I was out of school, I think I did better.
Got to a point where I hated school, and I worry about my daughter. Over a month ago, she said that she's not been sleeping good and where she had problems staying to asleep.
I immediately thought of my own sleep problems with being bipolar. I don't know...
She's not quite 9.5 years old... She's already dealing with what I would call the first stages of the pain associated with bipolar & depression.
Now, I never was diagnosed as bipolar till I was 39, and I probably should've seen a doctor about my depression & other mood problems when I was 13 or years old, instead of chalking it up as a kid being lazy or what not.
I remember being yelled at by my mom for 30+ minutes at a time for my poor grades & getting office referrals & pink slips for poor marks & participation.
That didn't necessarily make me want to trust my mom with any of my secrets or things that bothered me.
She tried once, and only once, to force me to tell her about a relationship I had with a girl that I didn't want to tell her about it. She sat there arguing with me for a good 20 minutes or so, but I didn't want to tell her anything because it just wasn't her business. My brothers would've caved by then, but I was a stubborn ass.
I don't want to ever do that to my daughters, and I try to be soft & gentle as I can to help them out.
My kids will never have a "party" dad, but they'll have a dad that will take time to listen, they'll have a dad that will encourage them to do whatever their heart desires them to do.
In short, I really am just trying to live a good life...