I am starting to wonder if anyone will help anyone they way they used to.

It used to be that a patient could go see a doctor or a pharmacist and receive recommendations or prescriptions of what will help them.

Like take 2 and call me the morning type of thing.

Or buy some ibuprofen and use them "as needed"....

Even when it came to my stronger pain pills, I used to be given a prescription with 30 days supply and it wouldn't be a problem...  If I didn't need any more pills, I wouldn't call the doctor for months... in some cases 9 months or more.

Over the past few years, especially since my arthritis in my knees & hips have been getting worse, I am almost being completely monitored from when the prescription is written to when it's being refilled again at the doctor office.

It's as though they stopped trusting everyone with their own ability to use their medication responsibly.

I've never called my doctor, but in two different times of dire need, to ask for more pain pills.

For me these days, there's no "buzz" or "aching need" or "unquenchable desire" to take more than is needed to get the job done.

The problem right now, is that the pain I've been dealing with for my knees & migraines is getting worse again....

So much so that the use of O2 isn't working anymore.  Maybe 1 out of every 10 times that I use it, I might get relief...

I'm going to call and return the tanks, etc back to the company who's been managing them.

While renewing the "contract" with the doctor, there was an additional "survey" regarding usage of things to determine how "addictive people" were to opioid drugs...  Part of the scoring was if you had family who were addicts or alcoholics...  Or if you are bipolar or depressed etc....
I can see why family ancestry thing might be an indicator if people were addictive my nature... but I'm not.... I can easily say no to things, and can control urges that might drive other people who are addicts or have trouble saying "no" or denying an impulse...

Another part of the "survey" was regarding my "behavior".

• Do I argue with people? (Who doesn't?  Especially if you have teenagers)
• Do you get upset with people? (Who doesn't?  Especially with teenagers)
• Did I take anyone else's meds? (Of course not.. that's something I wouldn't do, unless under extreme duress and nothing else was working and it was a matter of last resort and I couldn't get to an ER...)

There was just a lot more crap like that, that I didn't like on there... did I take more meds that I was prescribed, etc. etc.?

It's getting to a point that I'm afraid to ask or tell the doctors anything.... If I cannot be honest with them about the pain and how I have to manage it, then things are surely going to hell.

Perhaps I need move closer to Canada or Mexico so that I can walk into stores where some of these pills are just "over the counter"...

Well, I'm feel pretty freakin' mellow right now, because of the Xanax I took prior to seeing the doctor...  It helps me to calm down so that I don't shout off and really cause a problem arguing about "simple" things.

I feel defeated with my efforts to keep writing here.

It feels like my communication/hold on the bipolar world has been completely severed.

Today, I woke up initially just fine, no headaches, nor major knee pain.

Gradually today, I got pain in the right side of my head and it's getting worse.

My oldest daughter is a bit of a disappointment to me right now.

I'm working, and she often pops in to see if I need anything, or to tell me what she's going to do.

It's distracting and irritating.

I wish that she would just get her ass out of bed and get moving...

Right now it's just after noon, and she hasn't dressed or left the house yet looking for work.

My youngest daughter got into trouble this morning so bad, that the big wooden spoon was brought out.

She's been sulking really badly recently, and it's been pissing Ellie and I both off really badly due to her bad respect towards us.  Especially towards Ellie.

In fact the punishment got so bad, she's been banned from watching TV/Movies/etc for 4 weeks.  Also she cannot read her books after being sent to bed.

I want to say, "Serves her right".. and it does, but I don't want to make it appear that I have cruel thoughts towards my children.

Currently, I'm in a meeting with our team, and I think after it's over I'm going to use some Oxygen to see if it'll help get rid of the headache, but it's not guaranteed... I might need to contact the doctor again... but I don't see that things will change much from where they are.

I'm down and possibly needing help... but no one can.

Last few days have been very hard.

Thursday, we had cold temps and snow... then Friday, we had a bit more snow, which then turned into Freezing Rain!

Friday night, around 8:00-9:00 PM, the power went out.

Several hours later, hell started to break loose.  The limbs from our big tree started to crack and fall off, hitting the house.

Luckily, as the limbs broke and fell on the house, they drooped over, touched the house, then broke and slid down the roof.  Mostly destroying gutters & fencing.

Saturday morning, a neighbor came over with his chain saw and helped to trim the limbs off the house, fence and natural gas meter.

Later on, Ellie wanted to go out and work on cleaning things up and especially use the chain saw.  So, I showed her how to use the saw, etc.

Just after setting her up, I got a call from one of our neighbors at church.  They wanted to know if we needed help.  Shortly after our friends arrived, the missionaries were on their way to our friend's house when they spotted all of us working, so they stopped to help.  Again, shortly after that help got started, our neighbor with the chain saw stopped by again.

All of the limbs & what no were all cut up, and cleared out of the way.

This was a lot of work that caused by knees to hurt like hell Saturday night and Sunday....

Sunday, Ellie wanted to go out and work on the fence... So instead of getting my knees ready to rest and recuperate, I dressed in my working gear... Shorts, t-shirt and hunting boots.  No coat this time, like Saturday.
I measured the piece of timber we'd need, ran an inventory of what we needed... then Ellie went and got it.

She returned with it, and a bit later on, the missionaries showed up again, and we got the fences all done yesterday as well.

Needless to say, last night, my body hurt like hell!

Everyone was going to be early, my head hurt like hell and I was tired...

Ellie asked me if I was going to bed, so I got up and went to bed... She was expecting some action... but I had that damn terrible headache, and would be grateful if the damn thing went away so I could sleep.

She got all bent out of shape that I wasn't "all over her"... well, that's probably not what she wanted.. but it sure as well feels like that some days between us...  I never expect her to "jump my bones" just because I "want some"...

Moving to this morning, I got pretty good sleep... rather I felt better, no immediate pain... Just had to get up and pee...

Despite wanting to wake up enough to have some action with Ellie didn't work... I just couldn't get myself into a high enough consciousnesses to stay awake.

Whilst getting dressed, I mentioned that I REALLY hurt... then things seemed to get pissy.

I just tried to stay the FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE'S WAY at that point...

Just after Ellie left... I texted her asking her if she was angry because I couldn't figure out if she was or not...

Being in my current state, I sent her another text over an hour later, telling her when I last texted and if she was ignoring me...

To boot, I called the doctor about my FUCKING KNEES! 

See, three weeks ago he did steroid injections, and said he would "QUICKLY" (FUCKING EH, right?) follow up with additional "visco-supplication" shots to help, as he "found" that to be the best way to deal with it...

SO FUCKING WHAT NOW?

SO the FUCKING DOCTOR IS ON VACATION NOW AND NO FUCKING SHOTS OR ADDITIONAL PAIN KILLERS>

Now I sit in fucking pain and currently am contemplating hurting myself...  or taking more pain pills than I'm allotted to get the fucking pain under control.

I HAVE no FUCKING Ice Cream!

DAMMIT... I've been so good and losing weight... so much so.. that by doctor's scales I'm down 40 pounds now.

SO WTF?  I want Ice Cream to help drown my sorrows and worries...

Good thing I don't drink or do drugs or I'd probably be roaring drunk or stoned by now...

Ellie and I just started texting now... that and some Xanax I took is helping me feel better and calm down...

Shit from work isn't going that well either... so I'm at fucking odds to what to do about things.

Adware sucks.

Since I come a security background, I know that I've done some pretty stupid things with my android phone.

I've installed various things that I shouldn't have, for various purposes... Like a wma->mp3 convertor... It required options not available on Google Play...etc...

However, I have installed things through Google Play that have appeared to made the adware worse...

In fact, my phone was running "fine" until last week... when I got a pop-up for installing a new "Free" - "iPhone 5s Keyboard iOS 7"...

I don't know why it was showing up in the notification part of my phone, unless Google decided to notify its users about it.

Unfortunately, and stupidly, like a sheep, I clicked and installed it...

Now I started to get all sorts of adware popping up asking me to install additional apps.

After clearing off, almost all the custom apps I installed, I got to a point where I didn't really see any other apps causing me a problem...

Yet, I still got an alert that I need to install the Google Play service, as the Google maps required it...

It did not require it... I could open Google maps, browse maps, locations, etc. Just fine.

BTW, I installed Norton's Android AV software, other application tracking and ad-tracking software.  It seems that there's stuff that's much NEWER than these know how to deal with, even with current signatures.

I'll still install the Norton Android AV software, as it's free through my employer.

Well, I managed to sync up my address/phone book and my calendar, so I'm going to factory reset.

Wish me luck!

Catching up to January 29, 2014.

Christmas was... well Christmas... Things went really good.  No family fights/arguments/etc.

A week or two ago, I get a call from my oldest daughter telling me that she wants to move in.

See, she finished the school term at the college in another state, and went back home to her mom.

During a conversation Big Miss was having with a friend, her half-sister got irritating... her half sister got their mom involved, and after much yelling, their mom slapped Big Miss, raking with her nails... Big Miss had scratches on her face after the encounter.

Now, I love my child, even though I haven't seen her, nor interacted with her on a regular basis for many years.  (Interacting with her was always a problem with me, because I had to go through her mom to get to her... and her mom and I well... we argue a LOT and her mom isn't really my favorite person.)

I regret not interacting with her more, and not taking more time to save more and more money to visit more... but it's hard to save money when you're beating off a county/government from taking ALL your money for child support that they feel the kid deserves, despite how much/little you make. (Flat 15%, instead of a rate for the area they live in...)  Too many times I got calls from my Ex asking where the money was.  It was garnished by my employer and I had no control over how long it took to get from them to the county, and then the county to my Ex.

So, I really stopped responding to the phone calls and screened them, because all it became was a bitch session by my Ex.

Even after they first left, I used to get pages/calls from Big Miss (at this time around 2+ years old).  Big Miss and I would chat/talk for quite sometime, even if it was strange communication.
When they started moving across the states several times, this communication from them pretty much ceased being friendly, to being confrontational by my Ex.

I know I put a LOT of blame on her, but I just got tired of the arguments and de-stressed from it to find internal peace.  I did find the peace, and started sending more funds and gifts, when I could...

Now that Big Miss is here, the first week went as I expected... Lots of talking and her "detoxing" from the situation she just left.

Currently she has a cold, and I understand that, but she's basically been hiding in her room and not interacting with the rest of the family except for meal times.

Last week I installed a new wireless router as a hotspot and put a wireless fob on Ellie's computer so that we can get her system to communicate with the rest of the house easily through the wireless, instead of figuring out how to connect the CAT5 from place to place in the house, without lots of drilling and attic crawling.

Well, this changed as I "disabled" the original Wireless network, and renamed it.

I setup my phone to use the original Wireless network, and no one else can go straight to the internet as they're going through the hotspot to the firewall then out to the internet.... as it should be for security.

Since Big Miss has been hiding in her room, watching YouTube, using FaceBook, and generally just sucking bandwidth, I configured the new HotSpot to turn off the wireless from 8:00 AM to 12:00 PM.

It's not a long disconnect time, but it's enough for me to feel that she might actually start working more on her Driver's permit, as she doesn't have driver's license, which means that she doesn't have a government issued ID.  This made it hard getting her money via Western Union... but I got it to her for the trip.

While disconnected, I also hope she fills out the job applications she has, so that she can start to earn her own money.

I'm not going to pay for her to waste the left over money I gave her for the trip and for all the "new" stuff she said she needs. (Dresses, belts, etc.)

It's not that I don't want to help her.... I just spent close to $300 a few weeks ago to get her here.... so she can make do with what she has to get along...

At least she has a good, warm place to stay with good food to eat...  Unless she went back to her mom's house and dealt with more confrontations/etc... she'd probably be on the streets or spend LOTS of her time couch surfing and not getting anywhere.

I really want her to succeed and make something of and for herself instead of just idling around.

This isn't as detailed as it could be, but who the heck wants to spend all day reading more than I already posted?

I also really need to get into the corporate system to fill out some yearly forms... (Whoopee... If my pay wasn't tied to this, I would skip it or make excuses for not filling them out.)